Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married
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Old 12-15-2011, 05:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

Hi all

Me and my OH are getting married next year. We know there are some things we need to discuss to make sure we're on the same page.

We have discussed children (I have four, two are his and neither of us want more.) We have talked about work and finances (logistics of me returning to work in a year or so and we will both work in order to save a deposit for a house.)

We discussed boundaries around behaviour around the opposite sex when we did counselling a while back. I intend to bring these forward into marriage. I haven't decided how stringent I want to be with mine. But I do want to be crystal clear, say it then it's said.

Anyone care to offer thoughts on the above or anything else it would be useful to discuss before we get married?

Thanks!
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

Sex , Money and Communication are the BIG ONES, they can make or destroy a marraige.

This below is something I wrote up awhile back -quickly & put on a few threads before.... in what I will be teaching my kids TO KNOW -before they marry, some of this will not apply as you are deep into the relationship already of coarse.


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Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making da** sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....

What I will teach all of my children in how to choose a partner for life....this is my personal list so far...


1. Don't have sex too soon, it can create a bonding too fast, too soon (even a surprise pregnancy) where other important things are missed, overlooked. Hormones take over & common sense is LOST. TAKE TIME, get to know THE WHOLE PERSON, do things together, go places, make sure you genuinelly LIKE them, RESPECT them , and they should be on par as a BEST FRIEND before you take them to bed -if it can be helped of coare. A little romance is good !


2. KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE , your hopes, your dreams. Have a vision, Be sure your this BF or GF can fit into this, wants the same things, will be a "helpmate" in these same dreams. Are you both old fashioned in our views, traditional marraige type thing or agree both parents need to work.

3. HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS and morals, so you will not spend the majority of your life judging the other and irratating them to anger over doctrine, etc.

4. COMMUNICATION - -know how to resolve conflict !! When I hear of couples who have been going out a few months, they think they have found "the one" sometimes I ask , did you have your 1st fight yet ? UNtil you have a few of those, you simply do not know each other well.

Every marraige will struggle if communication is not used effectively. If one is a Silent Treatment player, this has to be nipped in the butt. Be a listener as well as an effective communicator of your needs. Be open, honest in all things, undertanding & forgiving when it is called for . Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE

And NO secrets. I have found this keeps us accountable to our spouses.

5. Do you agree on how to spend MONEY ? This is the #2 reason for Divorce. Don't think one will change, the habits you see in dating are likely habits for life. Know what you are marrying, a spender who will need HIGH cash volumes for happiness or a Saver who can relax a little , put his feet down some & still get his bills paid.

6. SEX ! Compatability is very important here - especially IF YOU LOVE SEX ! Many women's drives can take a dive after marraige & kids, knowing if she is a PLEASER by nature will be very helpful , if she can orgasm, does she feel passionate desire ? A ton of talking needs to be done here --what one expects in marraige & what is agreed upon -how to handle the dry spells ect. Even enjoyment of a little PORN should be openly discussed- so no surprises later & hurt feelings. And always keep the sex Spicey, buy a game, get a book, keep learning. It may be less than 10% of the marraige, but when it is lacking, it may feel like 90% of the problems.

7. Kids, how many , how to discipline them. Important !

8. Sexual attraction, never underestimate it, a plan to keep the pounds off -if this is important to one partner, it is for BOTH.

9. Do you genuinely ENJOY each other, crave to be with the other, laugh together ALOT, love getting away alone. Are you both Home buddies or both more the party type? Being similar can be very helpful here.

10. LOVE LANGUAGES - since we are ALL sefish, we should try to marry someone who closely matches our same love languages in a similar order. As we generally GIVE what we want to RECIEVE -unless we are just plain lazy.

What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?

one more -

11. Know yours & your partners Inborn Temperments so you can understand them , how they think, why they react the way they do - this helps us know their strenghts -as well as their weaknesses.

Learning our Temperments & that of our Spouses to better understand them..

These are the things I will teach my children so they will marry well. I didn't know all of this when I married my husband, I think we just got LUCKY - but we have all of this going on and it has, for the most part, been a breeze.
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

Wow, don't think I could have come up with a better list! These are all really important to discuss.

I would suggest though, getting a couple of books, reading them, and always have them on hand. Those books are at the least::: Love Busters: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, and Yhe Five Love Languages. Another good one is His Needs, Her Needs. All these books speak on how to "love" your soon to be or actual spouse.

My husband and I have all these books, given to us as wedding gifts, and we give them to friends about to take that step.
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Old 12-15-2011, 12:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

Tell each other everything in your backgrounds which could in any way affect you, him, or the both of you. STDs, babies adopted away as a teen, the ONS you're embarrassed about, the DUI arrest, significant medical history, abusive relationships, sexual abuse, rape, emotionally traumatic events (nearly killed etc), bankruptcy, debts, stalkers, etc.

First off, you each have the right to make a fully informed decision. You are who you are, and he is who he is. If you pretend to be something else by hiding important information, he is not marrying who he expected. If it makes a difference now to either one of you, it will make a difference eventually! You might as well know the truth before.

Secondly, if there is something you are not proud of, there is a natural inclination to hide it. That will just build resentment when it does come out later. Trust is the bedrock of a relationship, so if it comes out later that one of you kept secrets, it will kill the trust. Secrets = Lies.
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Old 12-15-2011, 12:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

It's already been adressed but Intimacy.

That's the one I should have hammered home before marriage. I use to laugh at the sitcoms where the guy would complained about their wives non-existent libido.

The joke was on me....it's real.
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Old 12-15-2011, 12:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

I think it's important to know, and accept, that at some point you arent going to love this person anymore. At some point they will hurt you and you will hurt him. How do you treat people who can do nothing for you? How have you treated those in the past who offended you or hurt you? When you have hurt someone else, and you didnt think it was at all your fault, how did you handle it? You will handle your marriage exactly the same way, with the behavior being more extreme. IMO that is what will make you or break you.
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Old 12-15-2011, 01:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

Yeah, discuss not legally getting bound together. Why not just enjoy life and not complicate it!
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Old 12-15-2011, 02:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

Make sure to discuss what his role is with the children that aren't biologically his.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

I would add that you should spend a great deal of time observing each other in your "natural settings". That is to say to try to get a feel of how this person reacts/interacts with others so you are VERY realistic about them (as much as you can be anyway).

Observe them as they interact with friends and their family. Try to be a "fly on the wall" at times. Not directly involved in the conversation/interaction but close enough to observe/listen.

If possible, observe carefully how they handle crisis situations (a death of a loved one or a difficult situation at work etc.). This is when the "true" person will be on full display. Make sure it's consistent with what you already know about them. If not, it's a red flag.

I know these are not things to "discuss" with your potential mate, but they are some things you can observe and take note of.

If you see discrepancies...watch out!!
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

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Originally Posted by JustAMan2 View Post
Observe them as they interact with friends and their family. Try to be a "fly on the wall" at times. Not directly involved in the conversation/interaction but close enough to observe/listen.
My grandmother always told me to watch how a man treats his Mother, if he is good and respectful to her- always , he will likely make a good husband.

Also who their friends are should say alot about their character as well.
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Old 12-15-2011, 06:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

This isn't very romantic but you have to learn how to fight with each other. In all marriages, even great ones there can be some high scale arguments. It's how you resolve them as a couple that matters.

For example, my in-laws gave my husband and I of 20 years a forgiveness glass for our wedding present. It is an ordinary wine glass that we put on a shelf in our room. When we have an argument and one of us wants to end it or talk calmly about it one of us gets the glass and fills it, water, wine, juice and brings it to the other to share "forgiveness" There is no judging or condemning but the start of moving forward, sometimes with no questions asked. This has really helped in some very tough fights.
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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This isn't very romantic but you have to learn how to fight with each other. In all marriages, even great ones there can be some high scale arguments. It's how you resolve them as a couple that matters.

For example, my in-laws gave my husband and I of 20 years a forgiveness glass for our wedding present. It is an ordinary wine glass that we put on a shelf in our room. When we have an argument and one of us wants to end it or talk calmly about it one of us gets the glass and fills it, water, wine, juice and brings it to the other to share "forgiveness" There is no judging or condemning but the start of moving forward, sometimes with no questions asked. This has really helped in some very tough fights.
LOVE this, I should look for one of those on Ebay ! These would make wonderful gifts for every Bridal shower. THat and some hot lingerie & a good SEX book.

When I hear of others couples not fighting, I always raise my eye brows, in my mind ....I can't help but think someone is hiding -not expressing their true feelings....cause no 2 people get along THAT good all the time, if so it has to be like less than 1% of the marraige population or they are so laid back...well, I can't imagine it being too exciting.

I accually ENJOY a good fight now & then. Sometimes I joke we have not had one in a while, it is about due. Ours aren't knock down nasty, we always end up making up & laughing about what started it -usually terribly stupid, I wish I would have wrote them down over the years, that would have been halarious. And we ALWAYS end up having Make up sex -this is our resolution of the heart -using our bodies to express it.

A little fighting gets the hormones REVVED up , makes the Making up all the more intense.
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Old 12-16-2011, 05:34 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

Wow! Thanks SA for the cut and paste and thanks to everyone who's offered anything to think about. @ speakingforsomemen : marriage is the icing on the cake for me so definitely going ahead but curious what you are doing here with an opinion like that!

Thor. I understand what you are saying. I agree. I think he knows the pertinent things about me. I certainly haven't hidden anything big/traumatic/significant.

Blanca. Passionately worded but I understand completely.

Good point about his role with my older children. I would definitely like to talk more about that.

Anyone else?
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:00 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Important things to discuss BEFORE getting married

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Originally Posted by sinnister View Post
It's already been adressed but Intimacy.

That's the one I should have hammered home before marriage. I use to laugh at the sitcoms where the guy would complained about their wives non-existent libido.

The joke was on me....it's real.
Ya. Me too!
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