This might be a ridiculously childlike post, and if so I apologize.
I am in IC stemming from some stuff that happened many years back. My learned defense system is to shut down/off when people close to me "threaten" me in some way. It is really awful because I want to be close, but at the same time I feel compelled to push people that have hurt me away to prevent getting hurt again. Hopefully through IC I will continue to get better overcoming this.
I originally came here complaining about my marriage. My wife has admitted she used sex to hook me, she has gained weight and is morbidly obese, refused sex to the point of a sexless marriage, and has prioritized work and such repeatedly over me and the family. She has her own issues and I understand now that none of this is a reflection on me. We probably have developed our own issues just from our dynamic as well. She is as unavailable as I was. In some convoluted way, we made a good match before.
I have a lot of IC left to do but I am starting to "feel" things. I think this is largely because I've learned not to turn them off. I will tell you that it is really weird to start feeling things so late in life, the intensity of feeling from every day things is sometimes very overwhelming, both good and bad.
I have forgiven my wife. I thought I did a while ago, but I think finally, deep down I have honestly forgiven her. I don't know why she is as she is, but whatever the reasons, I do believe she is behaving in the way she thinks is right. Regardless of how we are together, I think she is a wonderful individual. I know she loves me and sees me as an entirely different person now, one that she doesn't understand but is desperate to hold on to.
I want to love my wife again, but right now I can't. No matter what I try, I can't open up the emotional side of me to her because I know I won't be getting anything back. It is difficult to force yourself to be vulnerable when you have 10+ years of history to say she can't be vulnerable back. Mind you, she is doing everything in her power to fix things. I've never seen her try so hard in some ways. She even started up IC, which she swore she'd never do. (She's probably a good 2-3 years of IC away from being where I am now, emotionally available-wise)
In some way, it just seems, you cannot find a logical solution to fix a broken heart, which is what she's trying to do. We have been carrying on in a dead marriage as close friends like robots in a closed factory that no one bothered to shut off.
I also feel very selfish. I have my own problems which I bring into the marriage... I'm working on them and I keep holding on to things for the sake of my kids and hoping that my wife will understand that I need this emotional connection now and overcome her own issues too. But I can't make her. I've already hurt us enough trying to ask her to change when I didn't realize how awful a thing to do that was. Maybe I'm harming her more than helping by hopefully sticking around.
I just don't know if I can be around her. It *hurts* to open up to her. I am so anxious sometimes that I can't sleep and had to give up my morning coffees since my heart skipping has been getting so bad. I have cried more times in the last year than in the past 30, and usually it is just thinking about all the things I want to say and do with her that I realize I won't be able to. There is so much of me that I want to give to a relationship, and while I can do that with her, she can't possibly understand or appreciate it because she can't feel it.
I can't imagine life without her, and I want to be with her. Yet, being with an unavailable person is killing me, and I can't be with her.
I don't know if there is a real question here. Everything points to leaving. It's just so sad to leave a person you really love because of some traits she has which she will not be able to control without a lot of work on herself.
Just very overwhelming. Thanks for reading.
I am in IC stemming from some stuff that happened many years back. My learned defense system is to shut down/off when people close to me "threaten" me in some way. It is really awful because I want to be close, but at the same time I feel compelled to push people that have hurt me away to prevent getting hurt again. Hopefully through IC I will continue to get better overcoming this.
I originally came here complaining about my marriage. My wife has admitted she used sex to hook me, she has gained weight and is morbidly obese, refused sex to the point of a sexless marriage, and has prioritized work and such repeatedly over me and the family. She has her own issues and I understand now that none of this is a reflection on me. We probably have developed our own issues just from our dynamic as well. She is as unavailable as I was. In some convoluted way, we made a good match before.
I have a lot of IC left to do but I am starting to "feel" things. I think this is largely because I've learned not to turn them off. I will tell you that it is really weird to start feeling things so late in life, the intensity of feeling from every day things is sometimes very overwhelming, both good and bad.
I have forgiven my wife. I thought I did a while ago, but I think finally, deep down I have honestly forgiven her. I don't know why she is as she is, but whatever the reasons, I do believe she is behaving in the way she thinks is right. Regardless of how we are together, I think she is a wonderful individual. I know she loves me and sees me as an entirely different person now, one that she doesn't understand but is desperate to hold on to.
I want to love my wife again, but right now I can't. No matter what I try, I can't open up the emotional side of me to her because I know I won't be getting anything back. It is difficult to force yourself to be vulnerable when you have 10+ years of history to say she can't be vulnerable back. Mind you, she is doing everything in her power to fix things. I've never seen her try so hard in some ways. She even started up IC, which she swore she'd never do. (She's probably a good 2-3 years of IC away from being where I am now, emotionally available-wise)
In some way, it just seems, you cannot find a logical solution to fix a broken heart, which is what she's trying to do. We have been carrying on in a dead marriage as close friends like robots in a closed factory that no one bothered to shut off.
I also feel very selfish. I have my own problems which I bring into the marriage... I'm working on them and I keep holding on to things for the sake of my kids and hoping that my wife will understand that I need this emotional connection now and overcome her own issues too. But I can't make her. I've already hurt us enough trying to ask her to change when I didn't realize how awful a thing to do that was. Maybe I'm harming her more than helping by hopefully sticking around.
I just don't know if I can be around her. It *hurts* to open up to her. I am so anxious sometimes that I can't sleep and had to give up my morning coffees since my heart skipping has been getting so bad. I have cried more times in the last year than in the past 30, and usually it is just thinking about all the things I want to say and do with her that I realize I won't be able to. There is so much of me that I want to give to a relationship, and while I can do that with her, she can't possibly understand or appreciate it because she can't feel it.
I can't imagine life without her, and I want to be with her. Yet, being with an unavailable person is killing me, and I can't be with her.
I don't know if there is a real question here. Everything points to leaving. It's just so sad to leave a person you really love because of some traits she has which she will not be able to control without a lot of work on herself.
Just very overwhelming. Thanks for reading.