his ex is killing us
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hi! Im new to this group but I am desparate for help

I am newly married (less than a year) with a blended family (5 kids total) and I am miserable only when my husbands ex wife is an issue

Everytime she calls he jumps...... she can make last minute requests of him to do things under the guise of being for the kids but it is so obvious that all of these things are lures to get him to come to her house and to still feel like she has his attention.

He even got up in the middle of us being intimate one time to answer her call I was devastated. of course he apologized a million times but his behavoir doesnt change if I question why she does anything he yells and cusses at me and says some really mean and hurtful things

I tried just being quiet and not saying anything but it is so out of character for me not to speak up and its not fair that I have to suffer in silence while this woman still has a hold on my husband.

I feel like he would rather argue with me than just say no to her or say something to her about not calling him at the last minute. he is so afraid that she will get mad at him. Our arguing has gotten so bad that we have had some physical altercations. He slammed me into the doorway and bruised my arm because I asked him to tell her to stop calling the house every morning at 6am (for dumb reasons and things that could wait) because it was disturbing to me as I work late and do not get up that early


any advice on what I should do? Please help me!
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by secondwifesadness View Post

Our arguing has gotten so bad that we have had some physical altercations. He slammed me into the doorway and bruised my arm
This is NOT ok...ever. There is no place for hitting or hurting in a marriage.
I really hope your children aren't seeing/hearing any of this.

That said I would hope you get yourselves off to MC and maybe work on an agreement that you can both work with regarding the EX. Something on paper that can be refered back to.

Best of luck with it all.
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Old 12-16-2011, 12:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

Hi, secondwifeandsadness

Judging from what you have said, I think the problem is not the ex wife. She can call all she wants but she will stop if nobody answer.

Your first problem lies in your husband himself. He still love his ex wife and I think he even love her more than you. You must address this problem because your husband is become increasingly dependent on his ex wife. The more he response to this kind of call the more feeling he will start to develop to his ex wife and the less he have for you.

You should read this article on codependency to understand more about this problem:
How to save my marriage and overcome codependency

The second problem is communication break down in your marriage. I can see that it even lead to physical violence so the problem is bad. This is an even bigger problem than the ex wife problem because it is from the marriage it self. You should take step to address this problem immediately because this will hurt you more in the long run.

You can read this article to learn more about communication breakdown:
How to save my marriage from communication breakdown
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Old 12-16-2011, 01:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

You knew, that marrying divorcees, can be a problem, and that his kids, will probably always hold sway over you.
BUT
That never gives him the right to abuse you. It is time you stopped the arguing, and just plain, either set up boundaries, or tell him, the mge., is over.

You have never forced him to face consequences, now is the time, for consequences to happen.

Also you need to tell him point blank---if HE EVER LAYS A FINGER ON YOU AGAIN IN ANGER, he will find himself not only IN JAIL, but defending a D. action.

Unfortunately, there probably is no other way to get his attention, and your continued arguing, just leaves you living in misery, and a very unhealthy situation for all the kids.

Time to face him down, and back him off!!!!!
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Old 12-16-2011, 05:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

This is not normal or acceptable behavior. Your man should NEVER be violent with you.....for ANY reason. That, for me, is a deal breaker. Your kids should not be in this environment and frankly, your kids could be taken away from you if you allow this abuse to continue. They should not be witnessing such things.

The other issue of the exwife calling is also a problem. He seems to have a problem setting boundaries with her and maybe is still in love with her.

I would get some counseling for yourself to figure out what is best for YOU and your kids. But bringing them up in a violent, angry environment is HORRIBLE for them and you really have a responsibility as a parent to bring them up in a calm, peaceful, SAFE family unit....which you currently don't have.
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Old 12-16-2011, 06:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

Ask him if he wants another ex-wife.
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Old 12-16-2011, 07:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Ask him if he wants another ex-wife.
And give him one.
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Old 12-16-2011, 08:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

Would he be willing to go to marriage counceling? He may listen to someone else telling him what he's doing is wrong. You are his wife and should be his first priority not his ex.
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Old 12-16-2011, 08:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

His behavior is the problem...not hers (although she is out of line). He is allowing her bahavior and is participating in it. Not ok. I was in a very similiar situation 2 yrs ago with my new husband. His ex called and text him every single day and they talked for an hour and he hid the texts. We argued, non-stop about it and, like you, I got pissed at him and yelled, and he slammed me up against the wall and tried to choke me. I kneed him in the groin and punched him to get him off me. Not a good situation. I packed my things and took off for a hotel until I get rent an apartment. The only thing we ever argued about was his contact with her, bit it never ended. After 8 months of that crap, I was ready to divorce. We ended up moving 5 and a half hours away and it finally ended that. Things are good now, except when she gets involved. It is ugly everytime but thankfully it's only about every 3 months now.

I doubt that you have the option of moving far away like me. So, I recommend setting a standard of respect for yourself that if your husband does not follow, then you threaten to leave and follow through with it if he calls you on it. People treat you how you allow them to treat you, so his disrespect for being married now and continuing to shower his his ex with doting attention is disrespectful and out of line. Do not allow yourself to be treated this way. Stand up for yourself and if he does not get it, then leave. You won't be looseing out on a thing if that is what life with him is going to be lik. Love yourself first or noone else will.
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Old 12-16-2011, 09:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

Oh, ex-wives...they always seem to think they still have a firm hold of those balls, long after the divorce papers are signed. Only when your man stops jumping through hoops for her, will it ever change.

But still, your H is being abusive, and as others have pointed out, this is not OK. Never accept this from a man (or anyone else).
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Old 12-16-2011, 10:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

One thing about marrying someone that has kids and a disturbing x wife is that there will always be a bond there that you will never get rid of that bond is the kids. That being said I dont personally think it right him to abuse you because of his x. I think you should speak up and tell him what you feel about this. I dont see the need for his x to be calling him all the time unless it was an emergency like the kids being ill which im sure isnt all the time. Dont let him get away with this otherwise one day you may have enough and walk which i dont think anyone would blame you for.
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I agree with all of you. I told him that he will not ever put his hands on me again. I will leave. I was clear that I left my first husband with nothing but my kids and my clothes and started over. Leaving him is an option. He swears that will never happen again. He agreed to go to counseling but still cannot see the manipulation of the ex. I have checked his cell details and its worse than I thought she calls and texts him several times a day EVERY day even when the kids are at school or with us! but I know she does it because she gets a response. He keeps saying I dont want her I will never go back to her and that I need to stop being so insecure...... he doesnt get that its the disrespect of our marriage, and her feeling that she can control his movements. I am so frustrated I feel like he is still emotionally married to her and I cannot have him fully until he totally divorces her
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:10 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

You need to address it and he needs to handle it
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I have address this so many times He doesnt see anything wrong with anything that she does.... for example last week my step daughter wanted to make muffins to share with her class so the ex bought muffin mix and packed it in with the kids stuff and told her to tell her dad to do it! when I asked him did she ask him did he have time to do this he started fussing at me saying I need to quit b****ing about everything she does. whats worse is he doesnt really cook so she just assumed I would do it so I went to bed and told him I wouldnt have anything to do with this foolishness. I hope the counseling will help he has now turned to his cousins for advice who are all still close with the ex so now he is being advised that he needs to just leave me!!!! this whole situation is unbelievable
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Old 12-20-2011, 12:29 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: his ex is killing us

Ok first of all--he has no right to be pushing you into doorways and becoming physical with you. At all. Ever. Under any circumstances. No freakin way.

How long were he and his ex-wife divorced beore you got with him? Were they still legally married when you and him met?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CandieGirl View Post
Oh, ex-wives...they always seem to think they still have a firm hold of those balls, long after the divorce papers are signed.
Ah yes, ex-wives are all evil.

The problem is with your husband. Sure, this ex-wife has really
sh!tty boundaries but HE is enabling her by not putting a stop to this. You can't change him, only how you react to him. So if what you have tried isn't working, try something else.

Ultimately though, it's up to him on how to handle her behavior.

I would be pissed too if we were having sex and my guy got up to answer his ex's phone call.
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