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That didn't go well!

16K views 163 replies 36 participants last post by  marksaysay 
#1 ·
So for the past 2+ months, I had been seeing a girl I go to church with. She's 28 and is 8-9 months out of an 11 yr relationship that included physical abuse and multiple infidelities. She has 3 kids with her ex, goes to school full-time, and works part-time. I'm 41 and have been divorced for almost 6 yrs.

With her hectic schedule, we've had limited opportunities to do things together but we've managed to do some lunches, about 4-5 dates, a lot of texting and talking on the phone, and yes, we've been intimate. I've even been introduced to her children, although they know me from church.

We'd both discussed the fact that neither of us were seeing other people but she said she wasn't ready to be considered bf/gf yet and that she just wanted to go slow before making that classification. She's consulted with her mother, a close family friend (who's in her 50s), her aunt, and our pastor about me, all of which have given her an approving word.

Everything went south this past week. I thought we would get together because it was her kids weekend with their dad. We had lunch together Thursday. Then I call her Friday and she says she'd made plans with her girls. On Saturday, she didn't respond to my normal "good morning" text until like 3 pm which is highly unusual. Every subsequent text was met with very short replies. Again unusual. Then I asked why she was being of so few words, she said she didn't have much to talk about. Again, so not the norm. She then doesn't return my normal after work phone call. Again, not the norm. I try a few hours later and her "girl" picks up and tells me she's busy. My lady friend eventually answers saying she went bowling with her "girls" and that she didn't owe me any explanation and that I didn't control her.

Later, we talk and she's going on and on about how she's feeling pressured to be in a relationship she's not ready for. She tells me I'm being controlling and manipulative and that she just couldn't take all the questions. I'm like huh? Just days earlier, she was telling me how awesome and perfect I was and was telling me to think of a way to schedule a getaway!

What gives? And understand I've not spoke to her since Sunday with no plans to initiate any communication. I saw her at church yesterday and managed to receive a smile when eye contact was made. But I'm really more curious than anything about what everyone thinks happened. I'm blown away! Not hurt but just confused! Any how, sorry this was so long!
 
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#101 ·
Did she ask you to be her fwb?
No, but that's essentially what I was to an extent. Yes, we had dinners and lunches. We'd gone on dates and had constant communication daily via text or phone conversations. I'd been introduced to her children. She told everyone about me. We couldn't spend tons of time together which was ok. But we did have sex quite a few times.

So we weren't exactly FWB but we weren't exactly casually dating, either. I don't think I was asking too much to say we were in a relationship.
 
#103 ·
She seems to have sent mixed signals...introducing you to her kids after 2 months? Wow, that's fast. But, it sends a message that you're ''worthy'' enough to be introduced to them. So, I can see why you were thinking it was more serious that it might have been. But, I'd go NC ...because she seems like someone who will use you, when it suits her. Just a feeling I get.

You have your own issues too, like others say...maybe too assuming or controlling, so maybe work on that yourself. But, I would totally break things with this woman, no friendship...nothing. No contact...and move on...work on yourself, and hopefully, meet a woman who you have a connection with, and less drama.
 
#106 · (Edited)
I felt strongly that there were mixed and confusing signals.

I know I've got my own issues and I'm taking steps to make improvements. Unfortunately, NC is not an option. I just 5 or 6 months ago started attending this church and I dont think its necessary to leave on her account. I'm just starting to feel comfortable and accepted at this church and I'm not gonna change that because a relationship, or whatever it was, failed. I will keep my distance, though!!!
 
#111 ·
So I'll admit I've been contemplating sending her flowers for Valentine's. And before you jump on me about the no contact, I'm not gonna do it. Also, my reason for wanting to do so was because I anticipate it'll be a rough day for her and I simply want to give her something to smile about. Again, I am NOT gonna do it. But I did consider it.

I also turned down a girl's offer to hang out tonight. Mostly due to the fact she's only 25. I'm definitely not going there...lol. Anyhow, I just thought I'd share.
 
#114 ·
What the number to the 25yr old?

Just kidding. I'm not on the market.


Sometimes, you date someone - things seem OKAY. But under the hood - things are not clicking. I dated a very good, smart, sexy, fun woman 12 years ago, she was 30. No fights, no drama. It lasted about two months... when she asked to meet her for dinner. I kinda felt where it was going before I got there. She said the same thing about me but that she "wasn't feeling it" and I told her "okay, that's good. I was feeling the same." and that was that. Then I just went single/fun mode for a few years.

I think - when it happens. Fireworks should happen. Rare too, IMHO.
 
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#123 · (Edited)
IF you are going to carry on seeing her(which I think is a massive mistake) please go and see your pastor or a mature couple in your church and talk to them about conducting this relationship in a godly way. It hasn't started in a godly way at all. You as a Christian man, need other mature men in your church to be accountable to. She needs to also know that the way she has been for living for years isn't right.
 
#127 · (Edited)
Well, things had been going well until last night. We went to a movie and then went and played some arcade games. She asked if I had went out with anyone out during the week we weren't talking. I told her I went to do some karaoke with another girl. The girl was someone who'd had some issues with drugs in the past but is in recovery.

This girl was not in any way someone I desired a relationship with. We just did karaoke. Heck, while i did drive her there, i only stayed for just over an hour and left. The girl wasnt ready to leave and found another ride.

She said I disgusted her and that I couldn't even wait longer than a week before entertaining someone else. She acknowledged that we weren't in a committed relationship and that I really didn't do anything wrong. It had more to do with who I spent that brief period with. Really?

Anyhow, turning the page. Just thought I'd update this.
 
#128 ·
Well, things had been going well until last night. We went to a movie and then went and played some arcade gamed. She asked if I had went with anyone out during the week we weren't talking. I told her I went to do some karaoke with another girl. The girl was someone who'd had some issues with drugs in the past but is in recovery.

This girl was not in any way someone I desired a relationship with. We just did karaoke. Heck, while i did drive her there, i only stayed for just over an hour and left. The girl wasnt ready to leave and found another ride.

She said I disgusted her and that I couldn't even wait longer than a week before entertaining someone else. She acknowledged that we weren't in a committed relationship and that I really didn't do anything wrong. It had more to do with who I spent that brief period with.

Anyhow, turning the page. Just thought I'd update this.
She's pissed that you weren't sitting at home pining away for her while she was out chasing whoever.
 
#134 ·
It just dawned on me that she already knew the answer to the question. She told me the age and the name of the girl because she's friends with her sister. So why get mad after we've spent time 3-4 hours together after I answered a question she already knew the answer to?
 
#138 ·
Why do you continue to waste your time with this woman? She's clearly playing games with you, and there are red flags galore.

You need to walk away from her and not have any more contact with her outside of pleasantries at church.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
 
#135 ·
You're trying to make sense of her behavior. Have to say that is coming across as a little bit desperate.

Your ego wants to believe that she was mad because she is really, deep-down just so into you that she can't bear the thought of sharing you with another woman. That ain't it. This isn't about you.
 
#150 ·
So, she didn't have much time to spend with you because of her hectic schedule, yet she's disgusted by you for hanging out with another girl while you and your lady weren't seeing each other meanwhile??

  • She's immature;
  • undecided;
  • self-centered;
  • craves attention;
  • wants to have a guy in her life BUT ONLY according to her terms,
  • tells you that she has missed you but didn't do anything to show it.
_____________
She's simply testing the waters with you to see how far she can go and how much you can handle...
But in fact, you're too nice for her. Actually, I feel it in your posts that you might have the "too nice guy" syndrome.

You should have gone NO CONTACT with her long ago...! Have some self-respect and move on.
 
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#151 ·
So, she didn't have much time to spend with you because of her hectic schedule, yet she's disgusted by you for hanging out with another girl while you and your lady weren't seeing each other meanwhile??

  • She's immature;
  • undecided;
  • self-centered;
  • craves attention;
  • wants to have a guy in her life BUT ONLY according to her terms,
  • tells you that she has missed you but didn't do anything to show it.
_____________
She's simply testing the waters with you to see how far she can go and how much you can handle...
But in fact, you're too nice for her. Actually, I feel it in your posts that you might have the "too nice guy" syndrome.

You should have gone NO CONTACT with her long ago..m.! Have some self-respect and move on.

All those things you list are correct with one exception. Her disgust, according to her, had as more to do with WHO I hung out with, or so she says. Nonetheless, it shouldn't have mattered anyhow. She wasn't talking to me.

Unfortunately, we attend the same church and I have no desire to leave so I'll just have to deal with the awkwardness of any encounters we have. While I will make no attempts to engage her in any way, I understand encounters will happen.

Today, there were two unavoidable and unexpected encounters. In one, she was exiting a room prior to service and simple "Hellos" were exchanged (there were several people around and to ignore one another would have been very revealing). On the second, she was leaving the dining room as I was entering. No words were spoken as she turned away as she passed by. I let out a little chuckle...lol.

As I've began reading the suggested books, I've gained a lot of understanding about some of my flaws and have already taken some steps to make some changes. I'm really unconcerned about her because I know I do "deserve" better, as she would often tell me. It's actually been quite eye-opening and encouraging after learning so much in the little I've read so far. I'm kinda kicking myself in the butt a little knowing I should've read those books years ago when I was going thru my divorce. Anyhow, I'm excited about the changes that lie ahead!!!

P.S.
I didn't mean for this post to be that long...lol
 
#152 ·
Well, I had my first opportunity to test the 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' concept tonight and I must admit, it was a little different than the normal me.

Someone I barely know asked to borrow money and I said the first thing that popped in my mind, NOPE. Normally, I would've tried to let them off easy by making some kind of excuse as to why I couldn't. Saying what I really thought actually felt GOOD! LOL.
 
#153 ·
As I've been reading these books, I've been learning a lot. I learned I did exactly what was necessary to create the attraction with this girl (she told me at the beginning I was a challenge), but then I reverted to mostly Beta characteristics. Doing so, caused whatever attraction she had to fade. I am pretty convinced, as well, that she's been entertaining someone else, too, which is all good. Having learned from my exwife's infidelity and the unfaithfulness of another girlfriend, I saw some huge red flags in that area. I actually went as far as telling her which got a pretty big response from her, so I'm pretty sure there's no going back to this one.

In the future, I will probably not get physical so quickly with the next lady, 1) because my Christian beliefs tells me I shouldn't and 2) because I can't be just friends with someone I've been intimate with. She will probably have to be over 30, as well...lol.
 
#154 ·
That, and unless you are doing nothing more than pursuing a friends-with-benefits relationship, never behave one way to get a girl and another way once you have her.

This method of bait-and-switch is exactly what will cause you to lose her, and it is fair to neither of you.
 
#155 · (Edited)
This method of bait-and-switch is exactly what will cause you to lose her, and it is fair to neither of you.
I get that now. Although, I'm convinced we weren't a match, I definitely wouldn't want to lose someone I am more compatible with. I started working on my alpha yesterday when I joined a gym with the goal of packing on about 30 lbs of muscle to my 5'10", 160 lb physique.

I'm ready for this journey!!!
 
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