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I overheard my husband say that he's not attracted to me...

24K views 105 replies 46 participants last post by  Ursula 
#1 ·
...but that he is with my because I'm a good wife and we get along well. Followed by, "Eh, it's ok, definitely have had better. Who am I to complain, some married folks don't get it at all. Like you (laughing)." Which I can easily assume was about our sex life. He didn't know I was home when he said it, he was talking online to one (or more) of his friends while playing a game. I don't know what's worse, hearing him say that or him saying it to his friend(s). I see his friends a few times a month and since his friends all blabber they probably all know that he thinks I'm ugly and suck at sex.

I have been with my husband for 2 years. He's a really attractive man. I have never felt ugly next to him but I don't feel like I'm as attractive as he is. I haven't had a lot of self-confidence issues until now. I was single for nearly a decade after getting divorced so maybe I should have...

My own husband doesn't find my attractive... Every time he's said I'm pretty, or beautiful, or sexy was a giant lie and makes everything feel like a lie. He settled for me... And what happens when someone better comes along... Now when he goes out I obsess over what he's doing, if there is someone at work he is more attracted to or... even just attracted to in general. I'm ugly and the sex sucks apparently so during does he think about someone else who he "definitely had better" sex with. Every time he glances at another woman or makes a comment about another woman's appearance it physically hurts. It didn't bother me before, everyone is attracted to other people. It bothers me now because he is attracted to all these women but not me.

My ex-husband felt the same and it makes me want to quit. He was only with me because he felt obligated to be with me, hooked up once and got pregnant. Now, my new husband settled for me because he was in his mid-30's, never married and wanted to settle down.

I feel stupid for not knowing and not figuring it out. Now I don't know where to go from here. Stay married to a man who isn't attracted to me or have two divorces and two broken families by 34?
 
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#2 ·
Quin,
You are smart and mature. You also write well and are honest. Those are all big things.

Plenty of people say stuff 'for effect' around their friends. Stuff they don't really mean. For example, some guys might make that type comment - fishing for compliments.

For example. He says: I'm not all that attracted to my wife
Hoping his buddies will say: are you out of your mind, your wife is hot

The real question here isn't whether or not that was an awful thing to say. It was, and no one will tell you different.

The real question is instead this: Did he mean what he said?

And of the two parts one is more important than the other. You can't change your appearance, but you can probably figure out how to increase your sexual compatibility. Assuming that - when the dust settles you want to stay married.

And fwiw - if he acts attracted to you and if he wants a fair amount of sex, he likely IS attracted to you. He's a man, kind of hard for him to get hard if he isn't turned on.
 
#3 ·
I am so sorry that you are feeling that way. I am going through the same thing although due to a different reason but the pain is still immense. Please know that you are good enough and your worth is not based on what someone thinks of you. Is there something you can do to make yourself feel better? Work out? Color your hair? Etc? I know when I feel "ugly" and "not good enough" I get myself ready. I do my hair, makeup and dress nice. I know that I feel good about myself and if my husband does not find me sexy, I feel good about myself and someone else will too.


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#4 ·
...but that he is with my because I'm a good wife and we get along well. Followed by, "Eh, it's ok, definitely have had better. Who am I to complain, some married folks don't get it at all. Like you (laughing)." Which I can easily assume was about our sex life. He didn't know I was home when he said it, he was talking online to one (or more) of his friends while playing a game. I don't know what's worse, hearing him say that or him saying it to his friend(s). I see his friends a few times a month and since his friends all blabber they probably all know that he thinks I'm ugly and suck at sex.

I have been with my husband for 2 years. He's a really attractive man. I have never felt ugly next to him but I don't feel like I'm as attractive as he is. I haven't had a lot of self-confidence issues until now. I was single for nearly a decade after getting divorced so maybe I should have...

My own husband doesn't find my attractive... Every time he's said I'm pretty, or beautiful, or sexy was a giant lie and makes everything feel like a lie. He settled for me... And what happens when someone better comes along... Now when he goes out I obsess over what he's doing, if there is someone at work he is more attracted to or... even just attracted to in general. I'm ugly and the sex sucks apparently so during does he think about someone else who he "definitely had better" sex with. Every time he glances at another woman or makes a comment about another woman's appearance it physically hurts. It didn't bother me before, everyone is attracted to other people. It bothers me now because he is attracted to all these women but not me.

My ex-husband felt the same and it makes me want to quit. He was only with me because he felt obligated to be with me, hooked up once and got pregnant. Now, my new husband settled for me because he was in his mid-30's, never married and wanted to settle down.


I feel stupid for not knowing and not figuring it out. Now I don't know where to go from here. Stay married to a man who isn't attracted to me or have two divorces and two broken families by 34?

The main thing "wrong" with you is you have a bad picker. Bad man picker.

You were very young with your first marriage, and you got out early. That is good. That is not as big a mistake as you think.

You waited ten years to find another man. That is also "likely" good. You did not jump into another relationship.

You are beautiful. Your husband married you. Why would a man marry an ugly women? Marry an ugly women when HE is a handsome guy?

He is good looking on the outside and ugly on the inside. He is a phony............or he is an egotist. He thinks so highly of himself that no women is worthy enough for his sorry azz.

Me? I would let him know that you overheard what he said. Let him TAP DANCE out of this mess.

If he bends over backwards to correct the damage, good.

If he downplays his horrible comments, brushes your concerns away........then brush him away. One divorce, two divorce...so what. Get a better one on the third strike of the match. You are young.

Be prepared for "Gas Lighting". Gas lighting is where someone tries to turn the tables on you. Telling you that you are crazy, you are wrong, you are.....on to them and they want to silence you.
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Note: Not being great in bed can be fixed [if that is true]
Not being loyal to your wife, by saying bad things about her cannot be "fixed". He has character issues.

Sorry for your pain and your discovery. Hang in there, Kid. Your life is not over by a long shot.
 
#5 ·
You're married to a gamer in his mid 30s, odds are probably good it was all bluster to look like the big man to his buddies. Have you confronted him about what he said ? That's what you need to do. If he was bs'ing then you will have called him on it and taken control of the situation to boot. Don't bottle it up.
 
#6 ·
This would be very hard to hear. I'm so sorry you heard it. Words like that can't really get out of your head very easily.

But it is totally possible that your H had some reason for saying it and the way he said it, but that it isn't technically true.

I am dating a man right now who by some women's standards would not be attractive. But to me he is very attractive. So I have said at times to my younger girlfriends who literally can't imagine how they will ever be attracted to 55 year old men, "yes I know he's an old white guy" or similar. I am implying that I understand you gals don't get it and I don't expect you to say "oh wow your boyfriend is so hot!" I don't push my attraction for him on them either because I know it will make them go "ew" even if they don't say it out loud.

Meanwhile, we have a sex life that would blow these kids out of the water if they only knew. I know we have something they don't have and wish they had.

I hope somehow your husband can make you feel better. I would tell him what you heard, and allow him to just react. I'm sure he will feel bad, embarrassed, etc. He might also feel defensive. It will put him on the spot. But if he can pull out some kind of honest reasoning for what he said (like my example above type of thing) then maybe you will be able to believe him (if you sense he is being honest).

One of my ex's said something really mean to the point of a little cruel about a part of my body once. He said it right to me, I didn't over hear it. I agreed with him about that part of my body, so even though it hurt to hear it, I didn't blame him for saying it or thinking it. I never mentioned it again. I just kept that part of my body hidden from him as much as possible.

Years later it came up again one time. He was shocked to find out how I had internalized that moment and held the same to it for over 10 years. I said well, why wouldn't I? It is true what you said so why wouldn't I just believe it? He then said that he had been a young fool. He said that he now loved this part of my body and I knew in that moment, he really meant it. He never, ever wanted me to feel so unworthy in that area all those years. He was just young and didn't know I wouldn't change how I felt about myself as we grew and matured. Obviously there was a big lack of communication about the topic and I never asked him about it, so I never allowed any healing or growth or room for expansion of his original position either. I stayed stuck, but I didn't have to .... which I only found out a decade later. I wish I had asked him about it before, asked him to soothe me somehow. I know he would have told me much sooner that he no longer agreed with his early assessment.
 
#7 ·
I would absolutely ask him what he meant. I would also tell him how it has made you feel. This will not go away and will only eat away at you.
I am sure you are beautiful (to him and others), he would not have married you otherwise. And the sex part can be worked on. You need to both communicate what you need from each other. Thats whats important x

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#8 ·
...but that he is with my because I'm a good wife and we get along well. Followed by, "Eh, it's ok, definitely have had better. Who am I to complain, some married folks don't get it at all. Like you (laughing)." Which I can easily assume was about our sex life. He didn't know I was home when he said it, he was talking online to one (or more) of his friends while playing a game. I don't know what's worse, hearing him say that or him saying it to his friend(s). I see his friends a few times a month and since his friends all blabber they probably all know that he thinks I'm ugly and suck at sex.
I'm not trying to downplay your feelings, but seem to remember (but cannot find) some thread in a similar vein, but that time it was the guys who feeling threatened. I may be incorrectly merging different threads in my memory, but some guys voiced the opinion that they would not be happy if their wives (or girlfriends) did not feel that they were the best (or in some cases not the biggest) lovers they ever had, or if they didn't inspire burning desire in their wives. They didn't want to be the "beta" choice, selected for being nice or supportive or good providers or good fathers rather than for passion.

The response was that with people today having a lot of experiences before they settle down, it is unrealistic to expect to be the "best." Rather, focus that in the end, your mix of pros and cons were chosen. They (mostly women posters, if I remember), responded that those guys were just being insecure, being "unrealistic" to expect that they would be the best, and their insecurities would undermine the relationship, especially if they focused too much on this "beta male" business.

Your situation seems somewhat analogous to that. Maybe you don't push his "passion" buttons, but you have other attributes which he finds valuable (good wife, get along well, and apparently even though it may not be a mind-blowing experience to him, you don't deny him which puts you ahead of a lot of others).

So, maybe the answer is to follow the advice of those women posters in the other threads. Maybe, instead of insisting of being his best sexual experience, you could focus on your strengths that he values. Find your own niche, in other words. After all, he did choose you in the end.
 
#9 ·
What your husband said to his friends is horribly disrespectful to you. Are wondering what other unflattering things he's told his friends about you in the past? Like you said, he's telling these things to people you know. What a insult!

I don't think that there is anything he can say that puts this in a better light. There is no excuse for putting down his wife to other men. If it were me, I would not ask for an explanation. But I would tell him what I overheard. And I would tell him that now that you know the truth of how he sees you, you question whether or not to stay married to him.

I don't know how you get over what he said and stay with him. I doubt that you will ever believe anything good he says about your appearance and you sexually in the future.

Have you changed much in appearance since you started dating and since you married?

What's most important is how you feel about yourself?
 
#10 · (Edited)
This is the kind of thing my wife says about me.

At least she says it to my face and not behind my back.

I am NOT asking you to share your photograph with us.

But if you did, it is certain that a good percentage of folks on TAM would say: "Wow! She looks good!"

Your husband says you are unattractive and your husband's friend doesn't get any sex?

Yep! They are 30s going on early teens by the sounds of it.

I think you might need to tell him what you heard or risk letting it fester over time.
 
#31 ·
This is the kind of thing my wife says about me. "ugly man"

At least she says it to my face and not behind my back.

I am NOT asking you to share your photograph with us.

But if you did, it is certain that a good percentage of folks on TAM would say: "Wow! She looks good!"

Your husband says you are unattractive and your husband's friend doesn't get any sex?

Yep! They are 30s going on early teens by the sounds of it.

I think you might need to tell him what you heard or risk letting it fester over time.
Here goes another "Blue Post" [from a Red State!] from me.

Dear Prudes, do not read what I am going to post. Stop here.

Ah, Ooga. Ahhhhh OOOOOga!
.................................................................................................................................................................................................
"We are all pink on the inside".

Men say this about women [of all races], especially those that are not good looking.

This is a horrible statement. It is misogynist.

But that "pink" is below the neck.
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We are grey between the ears. All of us. Brain Matter is grey. And with ~6 billion dudes and dames running and fluttering around, there are many shades of grey.


My point:
@MattMatt, I think the pink part of you is very attractive.....unseen, Thank you. Provided the pink does not leach out to the surface. I do not like pinky males. Not my type.

But, Matt, your shade of grey is absolutely beautiful. I can judge from your copious posts, now over, what 12K?, that you are a nice shade of grey. A nice shade of grey flows out in your posts.

Do you feel better?

Oh, do not envy Dorian Grey. On the surface, he was handsome as handsome.... is. The ladies swooned over him. Until he opened his mouth...and bats and flies flew out.

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................

The Loonies [not from Hope's Canada] say that there is a Grey Race of men, living hidden and among us.

I think, if they do exist...that they cannot flutch for the life of them. If they could, they would be reproducing like rabbits. They would be everywhere. Getting naked, and being grey, they would be invisible at night. No women would be safe, and many women would be carrying little grey ones, and bringing them to light. The census would reflect their true numbers.
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This week I am going to Vegas. Maybe I can book a gig, be a real comedian. Nah, I fly in erratic circles, my dropped poop never lands on common minds.
 
#11 ·
Yes, he was behaving like an ass.

Firstly, @quin sweetheart - sex is a team sport.
I'm assuming that your husband feels that he is an expert? Has had many more lovers than you? Has left a trail of satisfied women behind him? In my experience, the more experienced party in a sexual relationship gets a kick out of showing the less experienced partner other ways for them BOTH to enjoy themselves (and the other person) more. It's about discovering that each person you make love with is unique and that the chemistry that you have with them is unique. If your husband is still in the place where he has a ranking system for his sexual partners, collecting badges like a selfish adolescent then he is a long way from expert. Out of interest, how do you enjoy sex with him? (IMO, that is the measure of a really good lover.) If your sex isn't earth-shattering for either of you, why is this just on you? FWIW, the more desirable and cherished I feel, the more I trust my husband, the better the sex is for me ... and him as well.

As to your husband not finding you attractive...
@MEM2020, @SunCMars and @Faithful Wife all make good points. Can I push you harder on whether YOU find a man who could say the things that your husband said attractive? A big part of my attraction to other people is how I FEEL when I'm with them. Attraction is a complicated animal. And a big part of being attractive is feeling that you are. (Which has to be one of the worst feedback loops in the universe.) A negative self-image can be like a cancer. You need to work on fighting that independent of your marriage. I have had my own battles (and probably always will) with this. Fight it. You're better, stronger and more capable than you think. And more beautiful. (It sounds like the men in your life have done quite a job on your self-esteem.)

... Every time he's said I'm pretty, or beautiful, or sexy was a giant lie and makes everything feel like a lie. He settled for me...
Why can't this one time be the lie? And all the rest of the times be the truth. I can't think of a good reason for him to have said what he did. The other posters have suggested possible circumstances that explain (not excuse) why he would have said something he didn't mean. And yes, I think that you should tell him that you heard what he said and see what he does.

(There are men who belitttle their own perfectly beautiful and sexy wives in an effort to control them by damaging their self-confidence. Are you sure that your husband didn't know you could hear him?)

Finally, I think that your husband is WAAAAAAY too comfortable. Like he's the one who settled. Really? Think very carefully about how he makes you feel. About what he brings to your relationship. And then be open with him about how glad you are that he has brought this up (although he could have done it in a better way). Share with him that sex with him isn't that great for you either. That you've also had better. And muse about how surface attractiveness is one thing, but that far more rewarding relationships quickly rely on what is under the surface. As my granny always used to say - handsome is as handsome does. (I would like to point out that he was the one who was single into his mid-30's.)
 
#13 ·
Any spouse that would slag you off to friends behind your back has zero respect for you, zero compassion, and zero maturity IMO.

If he'd come to you privately, that'd be no less hurtful, but it'd have been the adult and mature thing to do.

I am an ex gamer and my ex H was and probably still is one. He'd be on voice chat with friends slagging me off while I was in the kitchen making him dinner. Because of the ego trip it gave him with his online mates, but also because he didn't have much respect for me.

Regardles of what he really thinks, you deserve better than to be with someone who is two faced. Don't let your self esteem take a hit. If you take care of yourself and love yourself, then it won't matter what anyone else thinks. The truth of nature is that some people hit the genetic lottery more than others. IME, most of the exceptionally beautiful people I know are damaged or rotten on the inside. Very few I know are truly humble and modest, and those that are are all around exceptional people.

Your husband isn't all that great. Look beyond his looks, at the reality. Maybe he would be happier with another woman, but I'm pretty darn sure you'd be happier with a better man.
 
#14 ·
Quin, I really don't understand your relationship with him but I will say this: your husband is a self-entitled, insensitive oaf and doesn't sound like a good person at all (so God knows why you settled for him - yes, it is you that settled).

Perhaps (apart from dumping his a$$) what he needs is a return gesture from you. Talk online with (nobody in particular) and say out loud when you know he can hear you (but pretend not to know he was there) something like "yeah I ended up marrying the simpleton oaf with the swinging d!ck - he thinks he is all that and I let him because I wouldn't want him to know that he is just a walking dildo to me - and not a very good one too, not like (make up a name) who was excellent in bed but not as good looking."

Trust me, if you do it right, you will see some results.
 
#15 ·
I'm sorry. I know how this feels. Although me and mine were pretty equally matched on the attractiveness level. I rarely heard how pretty/hot/beautiful I was. We had no sex life to speak of. So even though he never really said he wasn't attracted, I knew he wasn't. He felt like he settled, which was a decently miserable experience for me. We were not married, but I know I had to get away. It hurts, but being with someone who feels above me (when I know they aren't) hurt worse.
 
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#16 ·
I'm sorry you heard your husband say this about you. I also know how it feels, my husband once told me that he was not as attracted to me when I was heavier between the births of our 4 children. Now this is nowheres near as bad as what your husband said about you, but I was still crushed and actually pulled away from him for many years. I'm over it now, we have worked through many problem, but I have never forgotten those words and how they made me feel. I never will and wish I had called him out then because conveniently he doesn't remember saying it.

I would confront your husband and let him try to dance his way out of this one. If he told this to his friends, you have to bet that other things are being said as well and I for one would not want my business spread all over town.
 
#17 ·
sad to hear it and at the very least he owes you a sincere apology. my wife gained some weight over the years but i would never ever insult her. i do not say mean things about her to my "buddies" which of i only have a few guys that i associate with regularly. when you marry someone your supposed to respect and honor them. saying that you arent attracted to your wife is not respect. my wife has her self esteem problems and complains about her weight. i tell her simply that loosing weight would be a positive for her health but i never ever go around and says she's fat or ugly. looks are skin deep and she is an amazingly sweet, kind hearted woman. i try to boost her self esteem tell her she is pretty, sexy, and that still love having sex with her. these things are all true she gained weight but she's still a pretty girl. i gained some myself over the years.

the point is i have enough respect not to say those things and i enjoy making her feel better about herself. let me tell you who she is far makes up for a few extra pound. who gives a damn about weight gain. allot of women are pretty on the outside but are actually nasty people on the inside. im glad i didnt fall for that trap.

i find things to say to my wife that make her feel good about herself. she has some of the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen, she has gorgeous thick, long hair, she has nice facial features and skin complextion. she does not need to wear makeup and is a naturally good looking woman.

he should pick out your best features and say something positive about how you look make you feel good about yourself. that's what a marriage is supposed to be. if he unfairly criticizes you he is just a poor husband. its cruel and unfair. women want to feel attractive and wanted by their spouses
 
#26 ·
What a caring, thoughtful and loving husband you are. When and if your wife ever decides to do something about her weight hopefully she will remember that you have been there all along being supportive and encouraging instead of shaming or putting her down. Change that comes from self loathing and shame can never be as rewarding. Just my opinion.
 
#18 ·
Now you know why he was mid-30s and never married. The thing is, when people make these self-serving remarks they don't realize that the remarks reflect on them and not their object of derision.

Hold his feet to the fire and, if he isn't appropriately remorseful, let him suffer the natural consequences of being a d!ck i.e. he doesn't get to use you for a wife, companion and bed warmer. He can join the ranks of his sexless buds.

I would decline being around his so-called friends. No one wants to feel they're being gossiped about by their own spouse.
 
#19 ·
My ex was like this.

I am BY FAR not ugly, however I am over weight. He was not over weight and had a very nice body.

Our sex life was amazing, but my weight was always an issue with him and is was one of the ways that he abused me.

We were together for 2 years and I did not even meet his mother until after he beat the living crap out of me and was arrested and she approached me in court.

It was not until after I got away from him that my self confidence returned because I learned that it was him that had the problem, not me. Jus because I am over weight does not make me ugly.

Find out how he really feels.

If he was just talking sh!t with his buddies then tell him how it makes you feel and tell him to not disrespect you like that again.

If he does feel that way, then I would get out. No one should have to suffer with the constant torment or thinking their partner will cheat on them.

You married him and he married you and if he truly loved you then you would be the most beautiful woman in his eyes regardless.
The sex can always be spiced up and communication will fix that, but the other thing cannot be fixed unfortunately....and that is his problem, not yours.


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#20 ·
Wow that was a cold thing to say, the context of how or why he said it doesn't matter, it's incredibly hurtful and disrespectful toward you.

Do confront him, but understand he's going to blow it off as guy talk, still...you need to say how hurt you were by hearing those words. If he truly loves you maybe he will think before he speaks next time, if he doesn't love and respect you expect it to get worse.
 
#21 ·
If I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would interpret it this way:

He was talking to a buddy who was complaining about his wife and life and lack of sex, and for whatever reason didn't want to brag, or wanted his buddy to feel less bad, and so downplayed his own situation. Or was also responding to some other comment buddy had made about you or a past girlfriend, and didn't want to get into it. So brushed it off.

Some guys are really big on the "my babe is the hottest babe in the world" bragging rights, but a lot of guys realize how ridiculous this can sound to others, particularly ones who are going through a miserable time, and don't play that game.

I think whether or not I'd give him that benefit of the doubt would depend on how he treated me otherwise. If he often makes you feel less than, then no excuse like the present to get out. But if it was a one off, I'd take it in stride. It sucks to be humbled, but at the same time, good to establish your own measure of self esteem that isn't dependent on the praise of others.
 
#22 ·
Think of it this way

You're sitting having coffee with a friend, and she is talking to you about her marriage, telling you how miserable she is, how mean her husband is to her, how he won't have sex with her, how lonely she feels.

How do you respond? Is that when you start gushing about how hot and wonderful your own man is?
 
#23 ·
He is attracted to you. Or at least he was, he wouldn't of married you if wasn't trust me. Don't ever think he settled, that thinking can really mess you up.
One thing that is very attractive is a self respecting confident women. Walk up to your husband and call his a$$ out. Don't let him get you down, don't let yourself get depressed, don't let yourself think for a second he is right. Your not a doormat. Your his beautiful wife, and you deserve respect. Tell him if he isn't attracted to you and the sex isn't good he can walk out that door and find someone else. (Of course he won't, but you will get the point across that he can't speak like that).
He owes a LOT of making up to you.
 
#24 ·
Lots of good comments here... for me it's all about the respect, or lack of. It's bad enough to put people down to lift oneself up, it's another to bind that insecurity with ego against one's own spouse.

Just... ugh.

It's said, "water seeks it's lowest level", and that is true with those we claim friendships with. I cannot be friends with one who belittles their spouse, it seems your husband has formed a club here... I hope for you he isn't the grand Poobah or his ego will be the greatest to come to terms with.

Perhaps better friends would help... ones who will call him out on such unmindful dribble.

I like accountability... but while it can be reinforced, it cannot be forced. I would be honest and let him know exactly what you heard and you are reevaluating your entire relationship over such hurtful and disrespectful words, and that nothing is off the table.

Nor should it be when something of this caliber hurts you... the trust will be a hard one to build back little different than cheating, when trust is broken it breaks the core, source matters little. If it is minimized, reinforcing defeat is not a good sign.

While you didn't break this, the power to correct this lies in you... how he chooses will determine the choices you have to exercise. He has a lot of heavy lifting to do here, give him the opportunity, then spend whatever time it takes for you to reach the clarity you need.
 
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#25 ·
Don't forget that physical attraction is only one aspect of attraction, and most people who have had more than a couple of sexual partners may think that one of the others was better in some ways. We choose to marry a person, and that person somehow is great for us overall even if they are not perfect in some specifics. If your husband acts attracted to you and wants sex with you, then it is probably him being stupid when talking to buddies. Yes, it's horrible that he said this, and a smarter or more mature man would never say this even if he thought it. I would also be very hurt if I heard my wife say such things behind my back, and might not get over it for a long time - if at all. It depends a lot on context, and behavior aside from such candid comments.
 
#27 ·
It's absolutely wrong for him to talk with his friends like this. However, some guys just like to bust on other guys. It's possible it was like this. (though I will admit I am giving him a pretty big benefit of the doubt)

Friend: Well your wife is ugly and gives you bad sex
Him: Well she may be ugly and the sex might not be great, but at least I get some sex.

That is all just harsh put downs and may have no basis in reality. But I get that it hurts, you need to talk about this because it will eat away at your marriage.

What he should have said is, my wife is out of bounds, and I am going to punch you in the head.

Now not blaming you for his bad behavior but to make an overall point.

If you put on a large amount of weight (not talking 10 pounds here) that may cause a person to lose attraction and is not fair to your spouse. That still doesn't make it right that he was talking about it with his friend.

One other point I want to make about the sex is, sexual chemistry is not static. It's like dancing it take practice and communication. Communication of which it seems you don't have. But if you can get to the point of having that communication it can be greatly improved. No one has to accept being stuck in a marriage without good sex in it.

The big question is can you get over this. These types of hurts fester and cause doubt. If only people would protect there spouses from themselves.
 
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