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Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

60K views 96 replies 36 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. We live in the state that we met in and that I grew up in. She grew up 3 states away but has been here since the late 80s. Recently I have been looking for a new job after 10+ years at my current one. We are also in the process of moving to a different school district in the same county we live in now.

My wife has her parents, a sibling and several aunts, uncles and cousins living back in her home state. Since we were already looking to move and I was looking for a new job, she thought it would be a great idea for us to move back to her home state. The problem is I don't want to move to her home state. I grew up where we live now and still have 2 siblings living here. I love it here and the rest of my family does too. She believes that having our children grow up closer to their grandparents and other family members is a good thing and I agree. But I don't want to live there. Nothing against her family as I love them all. I am the breadwinner and she is a stay at home mom. So the move would impact not just where we live but would affect where I work. There aren't nearly as many jobs where she's from than there are where we live now. I find nothing appealing about the town she wants to move to.

The problem is that she set her heart on moving home without getting my input. When she asked me about moving I told her I was apprehensive but would give it a shot and look for a job there. We were running up on the deadline for selling the house and moving so the window was small. But I submitted my resume to 7-8 companies and contacted several recruiters to see about any positions open. I still haven't been able to get a face-to-face interview.

Because of this issue we have had some of the worst arguments ever. Screaming and berating like we have never seen from each other. My thought is that this decision should have been a joint decision between the 2 of us, not one where she rams the move down my throat.

Last night we were discussing it yet again and it got heated. I just flat out told her I don't want to move there. She said "well, I do." So I got up from the dinner table in a rage and she stood up at the same time and shoved me. She had never raised her hand at me like that and I have never touched her in anger in any way. So this is where we are.

Am I so wrong in not wanting to move back to her home town? Shouldn't it be a decision we BOTH make as a couple?
 
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#2 ·
Did you originally tell her that you were in agreement to move to her home state or was it more of a "let's see what kind of jobs are there FIRST, then we'll decide"? Were you passive aggressive in any sort of way?

BTW-her shoving you like that was her way of trying to manipulate & intimidate you. She was very wrong to do that.
 
#3 ·
So let me understand this, you are currently living in the state where you grew up, where you met her, where you have all this support and where you have worked most of your life, but now she wants to move to where she grew up and where family is....don't you think you're sounding a little selfish? how do you think she feels not having her family around where you are now......if you can find a job close to where she grew up you owe it too her. Stop being selfish
 
#4 ·
I told her I was apprehensive but that I would give it a shot. She first brought it up early Jan this year and we only had a few months before putting our house on the market, so the window to make this happen is small. She wanted me to quit my job and then we'd move and then I could find a job after we got there. But I would NEVER quit a job without already having another lined up. And supporting our family on one income means I have to have a 6-figure job to make ends meet. It's not easy finding those jobs, especially in a much smaller town.
 
#6 ·
I agree with securing a job first. Its the smart thing to do. How about getting an apartment while you continue to look for a job? Or is there a nearby larger city that you could move to instead of the small town? She would still be close to family but yet you would have the job options. Try presenting this as a compromise.
 
#27 ·
This is the truth in a nutshell. OP, you are being very fair here.

You acquiesced by sending out resumes to her state and area. No job offers. What more can you do?
.......................................................................................................................................................
Tell her that if she can get a job in her area and she can support the family on her salary, you will consider it.

Tell her that you MAY have to sit at home, be a SAHD, in the meantime, while she works and you hunt and peck on your job hunting keyboard.

She is immature.
 
#9 ·
As the only breadwinner of record here, I'd have to say that your word should predominate!

Having said that, if you did, without reservation, tell your W that you would move and look for employment in her home state or hometown, then you have, indeed, painted yourself into the proverbial corner!
 
#10 ·
I didn't tell her definitively that I would move. I told her I would give it a shot and try to find a job there so we COULD move. I was totally unwilling to move without first finding a job. I was upfront about my reservations about moving there. But out of respect for her I said I would try. That hasn't been good enough for her.
 
#11 ·
I am sorry this is so hard for both of you. As another stay at home mom just another perspective... she's at work everyday all day. She never leaves work. Being close to family that could help or give her support after all these years of being there for you might have been something she's hoped for awhile. Maybe the next time you discuss this try to be as non threatening as possible. Start out with "babe your happiness means a lot to me. I love you so much. I never knew how much moving home meant to you after all these years of being settled here." And tell her your concerns, fears and your discomfort moving away from the place you grew all your roots. :) I hope y'all work it out


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#12 ·
You are right. She is wrong. You actually tried to find work where she wants to live, but had no success. How can she fault you for actually trying, despite not wanting to? She will either come to her senses, or she'll have to move by herself. If she wants to do that, however, immediately file for divorce and be sure she cannot leave the state with your children, or you may have a huge problem seeing them in the future. In fact, since there is nothing now to stop her from doing exactly that at any time, it might be smart to file anyway, to prevent her from taking your kids away.
 
#17 ·
#23 ·
Well, you have had 12 years living near your family, isnt it fair that you now spend some time near hers?
What a ridiculous thing to say.Are they going to live on fresh air.The op has allready said he tried to get a job in his wife's hometown but to no avail.I think she is planning on divorcing him and intends to have a house near her family before she files.
 
#26 ·
Something is going on with your wife besides simply wanting to move back to be near her family. Maybe she is getting pressure from her parents. Is their health failing? Has someone died recently? Did your sex life change before she brought up the move? How was your relationship before she brought up the move?

I don't understand this "small window of time" for selling your house. Is your house on the market already?

Your wife shoving you is unacceptable. Yelling and screaming at each other is unacceptable. You two are not working together for the benefit of the family. You don't have each other's backs. That needs to be resolved before you move away.

I agree with others that this sounds very suspicious and you could be walking into some sort of ambush if you move away to her family. Certainly hold your ground, but stop with the drama. If she starts to escalate, you do not need to follow her. Remain calm. If you are unable to do that, get some therapy and learn how.
 
#33 ·
When is where the OP's wife lives NOW and for the past 30 YEARS going to be home? She CHOSE to live where she met OP and married him since the late 80s. So going on 30 years now. Agree with others that something is up that after 30 years its not home or good enough.

And 3 states away is too vague to know whether visiting OPs wife's family more is easy. Back east? Easy. Three states away means going through Montana, Wyoming and Nebraska? Long a$$ trip.
 
#34 ·
Since she's a SAHM, they have a tendency to get very demanding like she is. I had to live through that to. The issue here is that you are the only income and if you can't find work where she's from, you have to move where you can find work...that is of course if she wants to step in and provide for the family. When you are a SAHM, since you make no money, your husband has to be able to make the most he can even if it means you have to move away from family. I think that she would lose alot of her attitude if she went back to work.
 
#38 ·
OP I had almost exactly the same issue for years with my wife. We met in the southeast where she had lived for a long time before we met. All plans and peace were around staying where we met and visiting her family often.

Later, as she changed her mind I was met with the same sort of insistence and even violence. It took a long time but I did find an opportunity to move us west. Guess what?!? It didn't fix anything. We are now separated with an uncertain future.

It's your call but I have one suggestion. Look at you. Right now you're getting emotionally, verbally and even physically beat up and all you can think of to do is come here. "No More Mr. Nice Guy"....read it, own it, NOW. Work on you first then the marriage. Location is not your problem.

~ Passio
 
#39 ·
I have been in your shoes. I accept a transfer to a State 2000 miles away from home shortly after marrying my wife. She was only 20, a virgin and never been away from home before. For me it was a big promotion and even bigger salary. Like your wife, mine got homesick. We had fights about it and she used to cry a lot and be unhappy. It did not take much more of that to realize that she was more important to me than any job. I called the owner of the company to tell him that my wife is very unhappy and if I do not move back home, she will leave me so they could either transfer me or I would have to quit so I could move back home. My wife came first and always does.

Turned out to be the best move I made at the time. My boss said that he would find something for me and he did. He told me that the branch manager of their largest office was retiring and the job was mine if I wanted it. It was not in my home State but it was just a hour's drive from my wife's friends and family. I told my wife and she readily agreed. We were going to make even move money and I was getting control of the largest branch office in the company. So we moved and were able to visit our families on weekends. Her girlfriends would drive down to spend the weekend with us and everyone was happy. I left home at 18 and lived far from home for a few years. I am still a gypsy who does not need to see family more than once every few years. A phone call is good enough for me. I do not have to actually see them but I can using Skype or FaceTime.

In the end you have to do what makes your wife happy. If not you are putting your needs ahead of hers and your needs are not going to emotionally affect you mentally like your wife's needs will do to her. My wife and I have relocated 13 times. My wife had final approval for each move. We are living where we are, to be near my wife's only living relative, her sister. I took a 20% pay cut so that I can work from home 2000 miles from my company. However, I like working from home as I can sit by the pool with a laptop and do my job. My wife is happy and when she is happy our marriage is happy.
 
#46 ·
Her reaction is really strange...like what is this sense of urgency to move back to her hometown after all this time? I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to, but it seems like she is making this an urgent thing. Maybe check your phone records...see if there are any numbers that come up on your phone bill from that area that are not family that you recognize...and see if there's a pattern. Does she spend a lot of time on facebook? I don't want to sound cynical, but just seems like there is a sense of urgency...she is shoving you over this? :confused: Just seems really odd, to me.
 
#48 ·
I was thinking this very thing and about to ask on social media habits... this urgency thing and reactions to it does make one wonder.

And if not that way, I hope she has started learning to economize... it takes time and if one thinks going from $100k down to $75k or at worst $50k is easy with a family then someone is in for a rude transition.
 
#51 ·
This is a difficult scenario, I have lived in something similar being from different parts of the world. However, the bottom line (pun intended) is that someone needs to make a living to support the family. Your wife sounds spoilt, entitled and a little unrealistic. Tell her, 'darling of course I will move wherever, but it looks like I cannot get a job there so maybe you can consider looking for a job to support the family.' Your wife needs to be realistic.
We would all love to live in great places but the reality is we need to eat. Sit her down show her the finances, show her how much you need to earn to maintain her and the kids. Then ask her how does she expect you do to this in her town.

Maybe she feels you have had the best of it as you lived near your family for most of your married life, she has missed hers and sacrificed being with them. Tell her you understand this and maybe she can visit them more often, during summers etc. Make it easier for her to do this. Have you been understanding in this regard?
 
#52 ·
I think the OP has made the appropriate consolations by applying for jobs in her home town. They had intentions of moving but without securing work a move would be a risk. Never mind what the price of tea in China for any of the rest of you. The OP has done his homework and his due diligence.

As for the whole "they lived in HIS home town for 'X' amount of years, so why shouldn't it be HER turn" well, that's just poppy****. There's something going on. Maybe her parents are getting elderly and she feels like the clock is ticking or maybe she's reconnected with an old flame or friend on facebook, but really that should be between the OP and his wife.

OTOH I wonder, how much time does the OP spend with his wife? Do they have a healthy relationship or is the 6 figure job demanding a lot of his time, giving her an opportunity to stray - even if it's in her mind? It's a two way street. Clearly, they need marriage counseling. As for coming down to yelling and shoving, well methinks she doth protest too much. The only thing that I can say to that is when it comes to that, keep cool and tell her that pushing him to get her way is abusive and then walk away until you they both have had a chance to cool off - but don't let it linger past bedtime.
 
#54 ·
This discussion of the cost of living in different cities/countries is a thread jack that does nothing to give support to the OP.

If you want to discuss real estate, start a new thread.

The thread jack stops now.

{Speaking as a moderator.}
 
#56 ·
I lived in a similar situation with my ex h.

He moved to my country because the job situation was better and it was easier for him to do so than me.

Over the years, this created a lot of resentment and contempt by him.

He had a good paying job, visited his family regularly and spoke with them constantly...however his heart was always home and he threw this in my face and never took the opportunity to make a life outside of his family or me and our children.

We are now divorced and I guarantee that as soon as our kids are old enough he will move back to his home country.

This move is going to make or break your marriage. Guaranteed.

Try to find some common ground or be prepared for the sh!t to hit the fan.


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#57 ·
We are going to see a marriage counselor in a few weeks as this will never be resolved by itself. The thing I don't understand is the level of anger on her part. I've never seen her like this. She is a good person and I've always said she has a heart the size of Texas. She admits that once she gets something in her mind and her heart set on it, she runs with it.
Part of the problem is the medication she is on. She takes many on a daily basis for various reasons. One is an anti-depressant because of other medications and she admits it can make her angrier than she normally would be. Boy does it ever....
 
#60 ·
Can you take a week off and go "on the ground" job hunting?

Smaller communities, more personal, shake a few hands...
 
#66 ·
You mentioned that she is on medications.

Get a hold of her meds and do some research on them to see if they are what are causing her to be unreasonable and aggressive.

Your family is in crisis right now and until things stabilize then you need to not sell the house.

Tell her that. And tell her that you will make the right decision for what is best for the entire family together after things are calm and she can be rational.




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#68 ·
Approach the situation logically. Reason with her, that you have tried looking for a job without success and it may be some time before you can find one in that area. And even if you do find one there's no guarantee it would pay what you need to provide for the family.

As for not wanting to move there, I've done that before. I've moved to an area I hated at first, but eventually it grew on me. The key was to make friends in the new area.

And as for her shoving you, calmly tell her that shoving you is not okay, that you would never raise a hand to her and you expect the same level of maturity from her. Try not to let the arguments get so heated.
 
#69 ·
Regardless of how many reasons she comes up with, moving like this is a joint decision. Not hers alone to make, nor yours alone to make. She should realize the pressure you'd be under if you didn't have work, and moved to another state, and couldn't find work. That would cause a lot of stress in your relationship. I think there is a deeper issue as another poster pointed out...and maybe she thinks moving will make everything better, Idk. I hope you find a compromise.
 
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