Wife wants to move back home.....I don't - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:41 AM Thread Starter
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Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. We live in the state that we met in and that I grew up in. She grew up 3 states away but has been here since the late 80s. Recently I have been looking for a new job after 10+ years at my current one. We are also in the process of moving to a different school district in the same county we live in now.

My wife has her parents, a sibling and several aunts, uncles and cousins living back in her home state. Since we were already looking to move and I was looking for a new job, she thought it would be a great idea for us to move back to her home state. The problem is I don't want to move to her home state. I grew up where we live now and still have 2 siblings living here. I love it here and the rest of my family does too. She believes that having our children grow up closer to their grandparents and other family members is a good thing and I agree. But I don't want to live there. Nothing against her family as I love them all. I am the breadwinner and she is a stay at home mom. So the move would impact not just where we live but would affect where I work. There aren't nearly as many jobs where she's from than there are where we live now. I find nothing appealing about the town she wants to move to.

The problem is that she set her heart on moving home without getting my input. When she asked me about moving I told her I was apprehensive but would give it a shot and look for a job there. We were running up on the deadline for selling the house and moving so the window was small. But I submitted my resume to 7-8 companies and contacted several recruiters to see about any positions open. I still haven't been able to get a face-to-face interview.

Because of this issue we have had some of the worst arguments ever. Screaming and berating like we have never seen from each other. My thought is that this decision should have been a joint decision between the 2 of us, not one where she rams the move down my throat.

Last night we were discussing it yet again and it got heated. I just flat out told her I don't want to move there. She said "well, I do." So I got up from the dinner table in a rage and she stood up at the same time and shoved me. She had never raised her hand at me like that and I have never touched her in anger in any way. So this is where we are.

Am I so wrong in not wanting to move back to her home town? Shouldn't it be a decision we BOTH make as a couple?

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post #2 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:50 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

Did you originally tell her that you were in agreement to move to her home state or was it more of a "let's see what kind of jobs are there FIRST, then we'll decide"? Were you passive aggressive in any sort of way?

BTW-her shoving you like that was her way of trying to manipulate & intimidate you. She was very wrong to do that.

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post #3 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

So let me understand this, you are currently living in the state where you grew up, where you met her, where you have all this support and where you have worked most of your life, but now she wants to move to where she grew up and where family is....don't you think you're sounding a little selfish? how do you think she feels not having her family around where you are now......if you can find a job close to where she grew up you owe it too her. Stop being selfish
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post #4 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

I told her I was apprehensive but that I would give it a shot. She first brought it up early Jan this year and we only had a few months before putting our house on the market, so the window to make this happen is small. She wanted me to quit my job and then we'd move and then I could find a job after we got there. But I would NEVER quit a job without already having another lined up. And supporting our family on one income means I have to have a 6-figure job to make ends meet. It's not easy finding those jobs, especially in a much smaller town.
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post #5 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

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So let me understand this, you are currently living in the state where you grew up, where you met her, where you have all this support and where you have worked most of your life, but now she wants to move to where she grew up and where family is....don't you think you're sounding a little selfish? how do you think she feels not having her family around where you are now......if you can find a job close to where she grew up you owe it too her. Stop being selfish
My wife has a sibling that lives here and she has numerous friends that she has known over the years. So it's not like she has no support here. Conversely, I have no family back where she's from. All I want to do is move to the area that we had been planning for years to move to....not her home town.
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post #6 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

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I told her I was apprehensive but that I would give it a shot. She first brought it up early Jan this year and we only had a few months before putting our house on the market, so the window to make this happen is small. She wanted me to quit my job and then we'd move and then I could find a job after we got there. But I would NEVER quit a job without already having another lined up. And supporting our family on one income means I have to have a 6-figure job to make ends meet. It's not easy finding those jobs, especially in a much smaller town.
I agree with securing a job first. Its the smart thing to do. How about getting an apartment while you continue to look for a job? Or is there a nearby larger city that you could move to instead of the small town? She would still be close to family but yet you would have the job options. Try presenting this as a compromise.

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post #7 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

Doesn't she understand that it takes a job to pay the bills? How can she be so dense?
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post #8 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:12 AM
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Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

She's not dense. He is no longer a priority for her. It is about the kids and her.

She is ripe for an affair. SAHM

Plus she will have her parents nearby when the divorce happens.

Btw, there is no moving BACK if you never lived there. Drop the "back" word. That word bolsters her position.
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post #9 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:49 AM
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Cool Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

As the only breadwinner of record here, I'd have to say that your word should predominate!

Having said that, if you did, without reservation, tell your W that you would move and look for employment in her home state or hometown, then you have, indeed, painted yourself into the proverbial corner!

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post #10 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

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As the only breadwinner of record here, I'd have to say that your word should predominate!

Having said that, if you did, without reservation, tell your W that you would move and look for employment in her home state or hometown, then you have, indeed, painted yourself into the proverbial corner!
I didn't tell her definitively that I would move. I told her I would give it a shot and try to find a job there so we COULD move. I was totally unwilling to move without first finding a job. I was upfront about my reservations about moving there. But out of respect for her I said I would try. That hasn't been good enough for her.

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post #11 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

I am sorry this is so hard for both of you. As another stay at home mom just another perspective... she's at work everyday all day. She never leaves work. Being close to family that could help or give her support after all these years of being there for you might have been something she's hoped for awhile. Maybe the next time you discuss this try to be as non threatening as possible. Start out with "babe your happiness means a lot to me. I love you so much. I never knew how much moving home meant to you after all these years of being settled here." And tell her your concerns, fears and your discomfort moving away from the place you grew all your roots. I hope y'all work it out


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post #12 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

You are right. She is wrong. You actually tried to find work where she wants to live, but had no success. How can she fault you for actually trying, despite not wanting to? She will either come to her senses, or she'll have to move by herself. If she wants to do that, however, immediately file for divorce and be sure she cannot leave the state with your children, or you may have a huge problem seeing them in the future. In fact, since there is nothing now to stop her from doing exactly that at any time, it might be smart to file anyway, to prevent her from taking your kids away.

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post #13 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

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I am sorry this is so hard for both of you. As another stay at home mom just another perspective... she's at work everyday all day. She never leaves work. Being close to family that could help or give her support after all these years of being there for you might have been something she's hoped for awhile. Maybe the next time you discuss this try to be as non threatening as possible. Start out with "babe your happiness means a lot to me. I love you so much. I never knew how much moving home meant to you after all these years of being settled here." And tell her your concerns, fears and your discomfort moving away from the place you grew all your roots. I hope y'all work it out


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They both have very important roles in the marriage/family.

What about her shoving him?! Is that not important here? If my spouse did that to me, I'd dig in my heels even more.

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post #14 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

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As the only breadwinner of record here, I'd have to say that your word should predominate!

Having said that, if you did, without reservation, tell your W that you would move and look for employment in her home state or hometown, then you have, indeed, painted yourself into the proverbial corner!

I fully agree with Arb. Aside from that, you better learn to control your temper and not to get drawn into arguments. If you don't this will only spiral out of your control and what will happen will be dictated by emotions, resentment, and spite. There are ways to argue without hurting each other. Cool heads prevail and that demeanor can allow the other person to trust you're not out to screw them. You can stay on point but lower the volume. Don't take the emotional bait and explode. Calm, reassuring, steady. Leadership.

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post #15 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: Wife wants to move back home.....I don't

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They both have very important roles in the marriage/family.

What about her shoving him?! Is that not important here? If my spouse did that to me, I'd dig in my heels even more.


I agree with you 100%.

If a husband had shoved his wife, we'd have seen a bit more of the "divorce the violent %$$er!" kind of stuff.

But then there's also this:-

She wants her husband to give up his job and try to get a job in a state which seems to have less job opportunities than their home state? Probably with lower wages, too?

What is wrong with this picture? What is she really up to?

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