I guess I wanted to post an update.
Today is a day that really sits on my mind. 3/1/16 was the second time I met OM for lunch and we made out/kissed/ whatever you want to call it heavily in his car. This was the day that would change my life forever. About 4/4/16 I bought Xanax for the first time from the streets. I know my husband now has days like this that will live in his mind forever. If only I knew, If only I really understood the world of pain and darkness that would follow from that date on. A year has gone by and for the first time in my life, I feel like a year went by and I did not live. I have stunted.
My husband is not well. He decided to call OM. He told the same story I told. He didn't give much details into his conversation with OM. My husband is upset with me because he says that I am not pleading or asking for me to take him back. But I am not asking but I don't feel I have the right. I cant come to him. I come to him on my knees but I cant ask him to atone my sins for me. I just don't feel like I have the right to ask him.
I am so sorry, so sorry for taking away so much from him. I just want him to believe, to not lose the faith, that there is love out there, that there is a benevolent god. All I can do is not ask but is do whatever I humanly can to try to show you that this does exists. I have never been further from god than when I was involved in that affair. If it means anything at all I will say yes, there were highs but I was not well. I was sick the whole time. I just want him to keep believing that love is real and I understand, I understand it might not mean with me. If its not me, I can only hope there is a woman out there, a better woman that can restore this. I would love to be that person but I dont know if someone who has known the depths of this darkness can be that person. I will live the rest of my life trying to show him that there is good in this world. I just don't want him to tarnish is soul, the way I have mine.
I talked to him about revenge affairs and I told him not to do it. Not because of me, I said. I am broken beyond belief, I am a shadow now. But, because I have been in that darkness and it hurts your soul. It changes you, I told him. It is the devils work. Live in the light, keep in the light. He said he would never have a revenge affair. I am not worried about me, I just don't want him to do anything to hurt himself in spite of me. I am just worried that he won't make it out of his this hell. I am so worried that I have damaged him and I have. I know. But I just want to repair the damage. I don't know how? I ask him to forgive, not for me but for himself. I just I am so angry, so angry of all I robbed him of. I killed his innocence. I just want to give him a second chance in believing in true love that is all I want for him. I still believe in true love and I know I was his pillar.
It stings. It hurts. It burns everyday. I just want him to live a good life, be happy again, have faith, know there is love. Its not about me.
I'm sorry but you need to get over yourself. He wants you to fight to be his wife and you are saying you are not good enough to be his wife. (That is wayward thinking. He want the mother of his child to fight for him and his family, to want him with her soul.) That is what every husband wants and your answer is, well I suck so find someone else. He didn't ask you if you were worthy. It's not your place to decided that. Again get over yourself. Do you really love him? Are you sure, because if you did why are you giving up so easily. Your thinking about this is still self centered. I am not good enough, I did this. Your husband needs your focus to be on him and his family. FIGHT! Fight your depression, fight your hyper-focus on your mistake. Just fight G-damn it! HE WANTS HIS WIFE TO FIGHT FOR HER FAMILY. He wants you to honor your promise, in sickness and in health remember? You are in sickness now BUT you are still his wife.
Do it for your family for your child. You spent a good 6 months detached from them. Enough of that, FIGHT! You want redemption, then earn it. Earning it is not, I did something wrong I am in darkness and I give up. You are like the parable of the guy with the talents. You are the one who just buried them in the sand. What was the response to that servant? Right now you are making a bad situation worse. If you can't ask him to stay for yourself then do it as an advocate for your child. As the child's mother. The child needs a whole family. Be your child's voice like any mother would for a child who can't speak.
You believe in God, well God gave you your husband and your daughter. Enough with being so depressed that you don't want to try. ENOUGH! Get up every day and earn your husband and your daughter back. Do your half of fixing your family. Engage. Pray, pray hard. Pray for a better marriage. Post here and look for help. Post about your feelings. But Fight!
You are a Christian yes? We are supposed to overcome the world, not let it destroy us. You did wrong but you are forgiven. So now earn it. EARN IT! Start by writing him a letter every day. Write about why you love him. Write him that you need him. Write him what you want with your life with him. Do it for you child. Plan stuff to do to show him you love him. Give yourself to that love for him. Give yourself to him. Fight to be happy, fight to get yourself back. Fake it until you make it. Most of all just Fight!
Have you posted on the PPD sites like I said. Have you done your best to learn what was going on with your brain? Why not. Don't tell me because you are afraid of what people will think. That is not good enough. This is your family we are talking about. Maybe I am wrong but maybe I am right. Maybe you husband will understand more if you understand more. Again action. Take action. Depression persist with inaction. Your life is not over. God gave you this life. Fight for it.
You husband needs his wife back. The person you were before you fell in this hole. It's time for you to be brave and climb out of the hole. That is what he wants. That is the least you can do. The time for grieving is over. It's time to do the hard work.