Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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We really didn't see each other. In those 4 months (Beg of Feb to end of June) we only saw each other 5 times (Didn't see each other at all in April.) All times, except 1, was during lunch time. He wanted to schedule a day when we would just spend the day together and he would take a day off work and so would I. But I really mean it when I said that I didn't know if I could go there. I didn't trust OM. I knew there was no turning back. If the affair would have continued, if the OM was pleasing to me (made more time), I might have. But there was a lot holding me back.

I remember the first time he asked me for lunch, I was like I mean could I go to lunch? I cant go to lunch with him it would be wrong. I am attracted to him. Then, he was like I need notes from the review (after you take the class, you take a state test), I will take you out to lunch. So I was like, okay I am just giving him notes. So I used the pretense of the class to start crossing those boundaries. Then as you cross boundaries, you cross other ones and so forth. But there were certain boundaries I wasn't ready to cross. The relationship with him never matured.
All ^this^ aside, you get that a 5-6 month affair w/ no sex is going to be pretty unbelievable to most people, right?

I mention it because it's probably something that your BH is struggling to wrap his head around.

He's also thinking, "If she honestly didn't have sex with this guy, it's only because he was an ass. So... what if the next guy isn't an ass...?!?"

Bottom line -- your fidelity can only ever be as solid as your own integrity.

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I have only been with 3 (including DH) guys my entire life. All of them my long time boyfriends. I never took sex lightly because if we were having sex it meant I was in love. I could never separate the two.
Many women are like this, which is what makes a physical affair so difficult for a BH to reconcile.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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All ^this^ aside, you get that a 5-6 month affair w/ no sex is going to be pretty unbelievable to most people, right?

I mention it because it's probably something that your BH is struggling to wrap his head around.

He's also thinking, "If she honestly didn't have sex with this guy, it's only because he was an ass. So... what if the next guy isn't an ass...?!?"

Bottom line -- your fidelity can only ever be as solid as your own integrity.



Many women are like this, which is what makes a physical affair so difficult for a BH to reconcile.

I made a mistake its was from Beg Feb to Beg June so 4 months. You are saying 5 to 6 months. And next time? There would be no next time. I barely made it out of alive. The only reason I was able to do it was because I was using Xanax to numb all the emotions. The anxiety...oh my the anxiety. I wish I could serve as a warning for others who are on the brink. The devil never reveals himself. He comes masked as pleasure, love and fun. But really you become a prisoner in your own mind. I am still wearing those chains. That is what most people don't realize. I think at least for me, even when I was illogical and I knew all of this was not based on logic, I knew I had to move carefully.

@sokillme, I know you gave me the PPD forum to post on but I have to admit to you I am terrified about posting! Internet strangers can be mean and I am scared of them triggering me. I do want to run something by y'all. I had an IC session last night. We talked a little more about my feelings for OM. If you recall, I said I thought I loved him. I now know I didn't it. I had a poster asked me what provoked me?

I recalled something I had forgotten about...look I am not saying that I am beautiful but I know I am attractive. If you like the petite blonde look. I have a keen sense of style but I think most of my attraction from the opposite sex comes from my charisma. Its not like I was starved for attention or needed validation. My DH still fancies me-even more now than when we were in college. And, I see the way other men look at me.

However, during the time I was pregnant, after having the baby and then consequentially PPD. I LOST all my libido. I hated my DH touch, I didn't want to be looked in that way, sex and everything about sex felt dirty. I remember having sex with my DH and being repulsed. I didn't want to have sex with him or anyone. I once time saw a guy checking me out and it gave me hibbie-jibbies. It had nothing to do with my body image either. I was a sprinter in college and was in great shape before birth and my body snapped right back and I had no stretch marks. It wasn't an image thing. It was a psychological thing.

However, when I stopped breastfeed at the end-of-October, I started getting my libido back. It was the first time I remember having sex with DH and somewhat enjoying it but I still didn't want him to touch or look at me in a sexual way. Not as much as before but it was still there. (This is the point I had forgotten) I started binge watching, Hells on Wheels and became completely infatuated with the main character Cullen Bohannon (like tween status). I was looking at his pictures, I would look at the sex scenes from the series. I even started following the actor on Instagram (this is the kind of stuff stalkers are made off). Shortly, after I met OM.

I know but I never slept with him. I know it is still wrong. I know. But it must count for something. I did have the opportunity but I remember thinking I do think I can do this. I have paid greatly for my betrayal. I am not well.
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

My friend, you need to talk to a person who specializes in PPD. At least read some books and see if you can relate to them. You have no idea how much of this is caused what you did. I am not saying you are not responsible, but your responsibility may be that when you were falling into the abyss you didn't reach out to your husband. This situation doesn't sound like a character issue it sounds more like mania.

Here is my story. I basically walked into the aftermath of a rape. It happened to someone very close to me. It was near a parking lot where she was bringing in groceries. I was going to meet her and she was gone. After about 5 minutes I see her walking with this guy. She runs to me and tells me he has a gun. First I go to fight hm, but she grabs me so I put her in front of me as to cover her from getting shot and we run. In that moment I thought I was going to die. (By the way, she had it so much worse so I am in no means comparing my pain to hers)

So after that, I basically had a nervous breakdown from PTSD. About 2 weeks after I started having panic attacks, at first I thought I was having a heart attack. I made numerous trips to the Emergency room. Eventually, I understood that it was just panic attacks and was put on anti-anxiety medication. Now being aware of the panic attacks I started to get hyper vigilant. That then started to spread to other things. At first, it was every time my heart picked up speed I would panic and think here comes a panic attack, or is it really a heart attack the doctors are wrong, I am about to die. I was in my early 30's and had numerous heart tests at that point, mind you. I couldn't rest my hands on my heart because feeling my heart beat would actually scare me. Eventually, it got so irrational that I would literally look out the window and wonder if there were people watching me from the bushes. I mean like ever 10 minutes looking out the window. I kid you not. It was totally irrational. Thing is, I knew it was not real at least logically, but emotionally it felt very real, I didn't tell anyone I was going through this. I did ask the doctor to up my medication. So I would say I had about 2 years of this in varying degrees. I look back on that time in my life and it was a living hell. That was years ago now and I am no longer on any medication. No longer in fear at all. You learn to live with the scar of violence and you go on.

So I tell you this story to tell you I know that a chemical imbalance in the brain like PTSD or PPD can make you act in all kinds of ways that you would never act in if you were not chemically deficient. If you are really being honest with us, this action doesn't seem in your nature or your character. Both you and your husband need to understand this. You need to at least research it.

On a side note and I am sorry to be so forward but I would also think about getting your tubes tied. Sometimes people who go through this can have even worse effects the second time. Andria Yates comes to mind. I am not calling you Andria Yates. If it was me I would adopt if you want more kids.

Again you have no idea, you really don't. That is why you talk to an expert. That is why you post on a board about this stuff to learn and get a better sense of what you are dealing with. You may still be dealing with this stuff. The Xanax addiction obviously contributed to your issues. That doesn't mean you don't deal with your actions or the ramifications of them. It means you get context and understanding.

Read my posts, I am harder on this stuff than anyone here. But I also know that when your brain is missing the chemicals it produces to help you manage stress you end up doing things that are not rational. I WAS DOING THEM. This doesn't take your husbands pain away but it may make him feel safer and it may help you understand your choices so you don't torture yourself about it. Part of your suffering is that you are unable to understand why you did what you did and because of that you probably feel very unsafe. You probably feel like you have no idea who you are or what you are capable of. Because from the way you describe yourself, I don't think this is a character thing, I think it is a physical thing. Understanding that or at least if that is part of it will help your healing. help you protect yourself, and your family.

I am also just a guy on a message board. Talk to an expert.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-16-2017 at 10:44 AM.
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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

I guess I wanted to post an update.

Today is a day that really sits on my mind. 3/1/16 was the second time I met OM for lunch and we made out/kissed/ whatever you want to call it heavily in his car. This was the day that would change my life forever. About 4/4/16 I bought Xanax for the first time from the streets. I know my husband now has days like this that will live in his mind forever. If only I knew, If only I really understood the world of pain and darkness that would follow from that date on. A year has gone by and for the first time in my life, I feel like a year went by and I did not live. I have stunted.

My husband is not well. He decided to call OM. He told the same story I told. He didn't give much details into his conversation with OM. My husband is upset with me because he says that I am not pleading or asking for me to take him back. But I am not asking but I don't feel I have the right. I cant come to him. I come to him on my knees but I cant ask him to atone my sins for me. I just don't feel like I have the right to ask him.

I am so sorry, so sorry for taking away so much from him. I just want him to believe, to not lose the faith, that there is love out there, that there is a benevolent god. All I can do is not ask but is do whatever I humanly can to try to show you that this does exists. I have never been further from god than when I was involved in that affair. If it means anything at all I will say yes, there were highs but I was not well. I was sick the whole time. I just want him to keep believing that love is real and I understand, I understand it might not mean with me. If its not me, I can only hope there is a woman out there, a better woman that can restore this. I would love to be that person but I dont know if someone who has known the depths of this darkness can be that person. I will live the rest of my life trying to show him that there is good in this world. I just don't want him to tarnish is soul, the way I have mine.

I talked to him about revenge affairs and I told him not to do it. Not because of me, I said. I am broken beyond belief, I am a shadow now. But, because I have been in that darkness and it hurts your soul. It changes you, I told him. It is the devils work. Live in the light, keep in the light. He said he would never have a revenge affair. I am not worried about me, I just don't want him to do anything to hurt himself in spite of me. I am just worried that he won't make it out of his this hell. I am so worried that I have damaged him and I have. I know. But I just want to repair the damage. I don't know how? I ask him to forgive, not for me but for himself. I just I am so angry, so angry of all I robbed him of. I killed his innocence. I just want to give him a second chance in believing in true love that is all I want for him. I still believe in true love and I know I was his pillar.

It stings. It hurts. It burns everyday. I just want him to live a good life, be happy again, have faith, know there is love. Its not about me.
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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Originally Posted by Bloodinthecut View Post
I guess I wanted to post an update.

Today is a day that really sits on my mind. 3/1/16 was the second time I met OM for lunch and we made out/kissed/ whatever you want to call it heavily in his car. This was the day that would change my life forever. About 4/4/16 I bought Xanax for the first time from the streets. I know my husband now has days like this that will live in his mind forever. If only I knew, If only I really understood the world of pain and darkness that would follow from that date on. A year has gone by and for the first time in my life, I feel like a year went by and I did not live. I have stunted.

My husband is not well. He decided to call OM. He told the same story I told. He didn't give much details into his conversation with OM. My husband is upset with me because he says that I am not pleading or asking for me to take him back. But I am not asking but I don't feel I have the right. I cant come to him. I come to him on my knees but I cant ask him to atone my sins for me. I just don't feel like I have the right to ask him.

I am so sorry, so sorry for taking away so much from him. I just want him to believe, to not lose the faith, that there is love out there, that there is a benevolent god. All I can do is not ask but is do whatever I humanly can to try to show you that this does exists. I have never been further from god than when I was involved in that affair. If it means anything at all I will say yes, there were highs but I was not well. I was sick the whole time. I just want him to keep believing that love is real and I understand, I understand it might not mean with me. If its not me, I can only hope there is a woman out there, a better woman that can restore this. I would love to be that person but I dont know if someone who has known the depths of this darkness can be that person. I will live the rest of my life trying to show him that there is good in this world. I just don't want him to tarnish is soul, the way I have mine.

I talked to him about revenge affairs and I told him not to do it. Not because of me, I said. I am broken beyond belief, I am a shadow now. But, because I have been in that darkness and it hurts your soul. It changes you, I told him. It is the devils work. Live in the light, keep in the light. He said he would never have a revenge affair. I am not worried about me, I just don't want him to do anything to hurt himself in spite of me. I am just worried that he won't make it out of his this hell. I am so worried that I have damaged him and I have. I know. But I just want to repair the damage. I don't know how? I ask him to forgive, not for me but for himself. I just I am so angry, so angry of all I robbed him of. I killed his innocence. I just want to give him a second chance in believing in true love that is all I want for him. I still believe in true love and I know I was his pillar.

It stings. It hurts. It burns everyday. I just want him to live a good life, be happy again, have faith, know there is love. Its not about me.
I'm sorry but you need to get over yourself. He wants you to fight to be his wife and you are saying you are not good enough to be his wife. (That is wayward thinking. He want the mother of his child to fight for him and his family, to want him with her soul.) That is what every husband wants and your answer is, well I suck so find someone else. He didn't ask you if you were worthy. It's not your place to decided that. Again get over yourself. Do you really love him? Are you sure, because if you did why are you giving up so easily. Your thinking about this is still self centered. I am not good enough, I did this. Your husband needs your focus to be on him and his family. FIGHT! Fight your depression, fight your hyper-focus on your mistake. Just fight G-damn it! HE WANTS HIS WIFE TO FIGHT FOR HER FAMILY. He wants you to honor your promise, in sickness and in health remember? You are in sickness now BUT you are still his wife.

Do it for your family for your child. You spent a good 6 months detached from them. Enough of that, FIGHT! You want redemption, then earn it. Earning it is not, I did something wrong I am in darkness and I give up. You are like the parable of the guy with the talents. You are the one who just buried them in the sand. What was the response to that servant? Right now you are making a bad situation worse. If you can't ask him to stay for yourself then do it as an advocate for your child. As the child's mother. The child needs a whole family. Be your child's voice like any mother would for a child who can't speak.

You believe in God, well God gave you your husband and your daughter. Enough with being so depressed that you don't want to try. ENOUGH! Get up every day and earn your husband and your daughter back. Do your half of fixing your family. Engage. Pray, pray hard. Pray for a better marriage. Post here and look for help. Post about your feelings. But Fight!

You are a Christian yes? We are supposed to overcome the world, not let it destroy us. You did wrong but you are forgiven. So now earn it. EARN IT! Start by writing him a letter every day. Write about why you love him. Write him that you need him. Write him what you want with your life with him. Do it for you child. Plan stuff to do to show him you love him. Give yourself to that love for him. Give yourself to him. Fight to be happy, fight to get yourself back. Fake it until you make it. Most of all just Fight!

Have you posted on the PPD sites like I said. Have you done your best to learn what was going on with your brain? Why not. Don't tell me because you are afraid of what people will think. That is not good enough. This is your family we are talking about. Maybe I am wrong but maybe I am right. Maybe you husband will understand more if you understand more. Again action. Take action. Depression persist with inaction. Your life is not over. God gave you this life. Fight for it.

You husband needs his wife back. The person you were before you fell in this hole. It's time for you to be brave and climb out of the hole. That is what he wants. That is the least you can do. The time for grieving is over. It's time to do the hard work.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-01-2017 at 03:13 PM.
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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:29 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

Looks like the OM is a wayward character since he conceal/lied about himself. Why did you decide to tell husband months after ending the affair? Some keep it secret. Was your mental condition due to guilt or ending the affair or combination of both?
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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:06 AM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

@Bloodinthecut, how are you doing? I'm praying for you. Hope you are climbing out of you hole that this has put you in.
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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

I saw that you posted on Cam's thread. How are you holding up?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

@Bloodinthecut, still praying for you. Hope you are doing better.
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