Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend
I wrote about a month ago. You can see me thread below. I lost my credentials so I had to start a new account. I posted yesterday on a post giving advice and one of the posters told me to come an update.
My days are heavy. I will try to make this concise but there is so much to say. Please don't mistake my brevity for omission. I can answer follow-up questions.
I came clean to my husband about a month ago. I had my mom take my daughter for the weekend. Well we spent almost 48hrs crying, talking and not sleeping. I am in individual counseling (which I had started prior to coming clean) and we have been to 3 sessions of couple counseling. Those two days were the hardest of my life and then forth. I am at work right now and I can't go into much detail because I will start crying. But overall there was many questions, crying, there was not wanting to know details to wanting to know details. I showed him everything and told him everything. I gave him OM's phone number and told him he was free to call him and ask if I was telling the truth (we never slept together, never had oral sex and only made out). My relationship with OM never went that deep that there should be no ill will and I have nothing to hide. I don't think he would make up stuff (risk I was willing to take if it helped my DH.) My husband kept the number and a few days later said that he was going to "choose" to believe that I had not defiled our marital bed. I told him that he had his number.
He did want to go on his FB which is private and I haven't had access too. OM had recently changed profile picture to his grandfather who had just passed away. From the comments, we found out that his 4th child (during our affair his GF was pregnant but I was not privy to this during affair and its how I cut off affair) died a few weeks after birth. The baby, like I mentioned, was a mirco-preemie and did not make it. My DH decided that he was not going to call his GF or him.
I am working with my psychiatrist . I am only on 1mg of Clonazepam for sleep which I think is a placebo affect at this point.
My husband said that for months he knew there was something wrong with me. I wasn't eating, my speech was slow, I was loosing weight, I always looked tired. He knew I was in pain but didn't know how to broach the subject. See here is were we differ from other situations. My husband did not see suspicions behavior but for months had seen that I was in terrible pain and that I was depressed. He seen that I was deeply regretful. He said that (I did not know this) several family members had reached out to him to ask about me because they were worried about me. He said in November when my sister came to visit she pulled him aside and crying told him "something is not right with her. something is terribly wrong. She doesn't talk, she is always tired, she doesn't eat and I have never seen her this skinny!" He said he told my sister "I know, I know. I have tried different things (he had tried taking me out dates and planning activities) but she is despondent."
I don't know what is next. He sleeps in the study. We don't really talk. Our daughter is the glue holding us together. Although our relationship is forever changed, our duty to our daughter is still the same. I pick her up from school, I cook dinner, I take the baby a bath, he puts her down, I clean the kitchen. He comes out and goes into the study.
I have been watching reruns of The Office at night. Something light. The only two times we have spoken (besides) routine things is when he complimented the "Valentine Day grams" I was making for my daughter's class. He said "You have always had a great eye for aesthetics" and then the other day I asked him if he wanted to watch an episode of The Office (it was our favorite in college and this one episode is one of his favorites). He agreed and we watched the episode together.
He told the therapist that he does think I am sorry. That when I told him what had happened, it explained my health situation for the last year. He said he knew I was sick but didn't know why. He says he doesn't see me the same. I am no longer his "cat" (pet name) which burns with the fire of a thousand suns. More than anything to hear him say I was no longer his cat. That is who I am.
The therapist says that she believes that we have a shot at R bc we came under different circumstances than most couples. I just pray and thank god that during my stupidity that I was smart enough not to sleep with OM. Its the only lifesaver I have now, the only thing keeping us afloat.
I am learning to live with the burn. My chest tightens, my heart swells and I feel like I can't breath. I had been feeling this for months which is why I started taking the Xanax. To dull the pain of guilt and sin and remorse. I am always uncomfortable. I find no comfort. But somehow I learning to live with it and I understand that I need to feel the burn. I need to take it. There is no way out. Its a pain I must feel.
But the worse part of this, is seeing him live in the silence. I have lived in the silence. I know what its like to live there. And, I cant belging to explain what it feels to have him live in the silence. That I brought him there. That I put him there. That he never deserved to know such agony, betrayal. He never deserved to live in hell. At this point, I just want to do what is right by him. Whatever that might be and I understand that might mean a life without me.
In many ways, I feel like my life had just started and I blew it all up. I am getting an inheritance at the end of the year. I told him that should he choose to divorce me that if he would allow me that I would like to give him half of my inheritance. Its not a bribe or anything. I just feel like he is entitled to that money for all the years he took care of me (us.) He said he wasn't sure if he wanted it or anything from me.
So that's were I am at.
My health has gotten better. I have gained about 8 pounds and I am slowly eating more and more. People are coming up to me and telling me " I looked great." My boss told me for awhile there "you looked really unhealthy" which is funny because you don't realize that people are noticing. My speech is back. I can speak again. Cognitively, I am getting sharper. As far as me saying I loved OM. I didn't. Whoa! I didn't. When I did what I did. I became frozen in time (there is a word for this) and I lived my life within those 2 months. I couldn't move forward because I stunted myself. It was full on psychological warfare. When I think of OM, I see a block now. I just feel mental fatigue.