Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:04 AM Thread Starter
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Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

Hi,

I wrote about a month ago. You can see me thread below. I lost my credentials so I had to start a new account. I posted yesterday on a post giving advice and one of the posters told me to come an update.

My days are heavy. I will try to make this concise but there is so much to say. Please don't mistake my brevity for omission. I can answer follow-up questions.

I came clean to my husband about a month ago. I had my mom take my daughter for the weekend. Well we spent almost 48hrs crying, talking and not sleeping. I am in individual counseling (which I had started prior to coming clean) and we have been to 3 sessions of couple counseling. Those two days were the hardest of my life and then forth. I am at work right now and I can't go into much detail because I will start crying. But overall there was many questions, crying, there was not wanting to know details to wanting to know details. I showed him everything and told him everything. I gave him OM's phone number and told him he was free to call him and ask if I was telling the truth (we never slept together, never had oral sex and only made out). My relationship with OM never went that deep that there should be no ill will and I have nothing to hide. I don't think he would make up stuff (risk I was willing to take if it helped my DH.) My husband kept the number and a few days later said that he was going to "choose" to believe that I had not defiled our marital bed. I told him that he had his number.

He did want to go on his FB which is private and I haven't had access too. OM had recently changed profile picture to his grandfather who had just passed away. From the comments, we found out that his 4th child (during our affair his GF was pregnant but I was not privy to this during affair and its how I cut off affair) died a few weeks after birth. The baby, like I mentioned, was a mirco-preemie and did not make it. My DH decided that he was not going to call his GF or him.

I am working with my psychiatrist . I am only on 1mg of Clonazepam for sleep which I think is a placebo affect at this point.

My husband said that for months he knew there was something wrong with me. I wasn't eating, my speech was slow, I was loosing weight, I always looked tired. He knew I was in pain but didn't know how to broach the subject. See here is were we differ from other situations. My husband did not see suspicions behavior but for months had seen that I was in terrible pain and that I was depressed. He seen that I was deeply regretful. He said that (I did not know this) several family members had reached out to him to ask about me because they were worried about me. He said in November when my sister came to visit she pulled him aside and crying told him "something is not right with her. something is terribly wrong. She doesn't talk, she is always tired, she doesn't eat and I have never seen her this skinny!" He said he told my sister "I know, I know. I have tried different things (he had tried taking me out dates and planning activities) but she is despondent."

I don't know what is next. He sleeps in the study. We don't really talk. Our daughter is the glue holding us together. Although our relationship is forever changed, our duty to our daughter is still the same. I pick her up from school, I cook dinner, I take the baby a bath, he puts her down, I clean the kitchen. He comes out and goes into the study.

I have been watching reruns of The Office at night. Something light. The only two times we have spoken (besides) routine things is when he complimented the "Valentine Day grams" I was making for my daughter's class. He said "You have always had a great eye for aesthetics" and then the other day I asked him if he wanted to watch an episode of The Office (it was our favorite in college and this one episode is one of his favorites). He agreed and we watched the episode together.

He told the therapist that he does think I am sorry. That when I told him what had happened, it explained my health situation for the last year. He said he knew I was sick but didn't know why. He says he doesn't see me the same. I am no longer his "cat" (pet name) which burns with the fire of a thousand suns. More than anything to hear him say I was no longer his cat. That is who I am.

The therapist says that she believes that we have a shot at R bc we came under different circumstances than most couples. I just pray and thank god that during my stupidity that I was smart enough not to sleep with OM. Its the only lifesaver I have now, the only thing keeping us afloat.

I am learning to live with the burn. My chest tightens, my heart swells and I feel like I can't breath. I had been feeling this for months which is why I started taking the Xanax. To dull the pain of guilt and sin and remorse. I am always uncomfortable. I find no comfort. But somehow I learning to live with it and I understand that I need to feel the burn. I need to take it. There is no way out. Its a pain I must feel.

But the worse part of this, is seeing him live in the silence. I have lived in the silence. I know what its like to live there. And, I cant belging to explain what it feels to have him live in the silence. That I brought him there. That I put him there. That he never deserved to know such agony, betrayal. He never deserved to live in hell. At this point, I just want to do what is right by him. Whatever that might be and I understand that might mean a life without me.

In many ways, I feel like my life had just started and I blew it all up. I am getting an inheritance at the end of the year. I told him that should he choose to divorce me that if he would allow me that I would like to give him half of my inheritance. Its not a bribe or anything. I just feel like he is entitled to that money for all the years he took care of me (us.) He said he wasn't sure if he wanted it or anything from me.

So that's were I am at.

My health has gotten better. I have gained about 8 pounds and I am slowly eating more and more. People are coming up to me and telling me " I looked great." My boss told me for awhile there "you looked really unhealthy" which is funny because you don't realize that people are noticing. My speech is back. I can speak again. Cognitively, I am getting sharper. As far as me saying I loved OM. I didn't. Whoa! I didn't. When I did what I did. I became frozen in time (there is a word for this) and I lived my life within those 2 months. I couldn't move forward because I stunted myself. It was full on psychological warfare. When I think of OM, I see a block now. I just feel mental fatigue.

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

Briefly...

Did you come clean on your own volition or did your husband find out?

What was the OM's relation to you? Family friend, coworker, online-acquaintance?

How long have you and your husband been married? How many kids do you have? What was your marriage like before your affair, and what prompted you to pursue this affair?
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Briefly...

Did you come clean on your own volition or did your husband find out?

What was the OM's relation to you? Family friend, coworker, online-acquaintance?

How long have you and your husband been married? How many kids do you have? What was your marriage like before your affair, and what prompted you to pursue this affair?

I came clean to my husband on my own accord. The affair ended in Jun 2016. I told him Jan 2017.

I met OM in a real estate class I took in Jan 2016. The affair started in Feb 2016 and the last time I saw him was at end of May 2016 (with the affair initially intensifying and then dwindling). However, I will say the affair in its entirety ended beg of June 2016, when I found out his gf was pregnant the whole time.

OM and I live in different counties. The class was recommended by a friend and I was driving about 40 minutes to get to it.

We have been married 4 years together 9 years. We have 1 daughter born in Feb 2015. My marriage and relationship was very solid and happy. I did have very bad PPD after I had my daughter in Feb 2015. It led to some initial disconnect with my DH. Something changed for me after I had my child. But in many ways it not here or there. I wish I had some big reason. But why WS cheat is because of instant gratification. I felt something for this man, a spark and I went with it. It happened gradually and I kept stopping myself. During the time it was happening, I was in a complete panic. It was like I didn’t stop what I was doing but it was making me sick. But I couldn’t stop until I found out about his son.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

well, there are those who do something really wrong and awful and get it and then there are those who don't.

you get it.

the prodigal son of biblical fame did things that were so rotten, most of us could never forgive him.
yet, his father did, and not only that, but welcomed him with open arms.
it's a mystery and a moral enigma that we could spend a hundred hours in contemplation and still not comprehend or accept.
nevertheless, it's power and impact reverberate through the centuries.

peace to you, and your husband. may the best happen for both of you.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

Good for you that you came clean on your own, and also kudos for not giving into temptation to go "all the way" with the OM. But even a kiss is still a betrayal of your marriage vows. I can only imagine the pain I would feel if my wife did this with another man.

Trust can be rebuilt, but it will take time, and you are doing right by going to counseling. He's going to need counseling as well and the two of you will need marriage counseling. Don't expect to be his cat anytime soon. It may happen yet again one day, but like I said, trust takes time to rebuild once it's shattered.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

5-6 month affair and you never had sex -- of any kind -- w/ OM?

Come on.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
5-6 month affair and you never had sex -- of any kind -- w/ OM?

Come on.
We really didn't see each other. In those 4 months (Beg of Feb to end of June) we only saw each other 5 times (Didn't see each other at all in April.) All times, except 1, was during lunch time. He wanted to schedule a day when we would just spend the day together and he would take a day off work and so would I. But I really mean it when I said that I didn't know if I could go there. I didn't trust OM. I knew there was no turning back. If the affair would have continued, if the OM was pleasing to me (made more time), I might have. But there was a lot holding me back.

I remember the first time he asked me for lunch, I was like I mean could I go to lunch? I cant go to lunch with him it would be wrong. I am attracted to him. Then, he was like I need notes from the review (after you take the class, you take a state test), I will take you out to lunch. So I was like, okay I am just giving him notes. So I used the pretense of the class to start crossing those boundaries. Then as you cross boundaries, you cross other ones and so forth. But there were certain boundaries I wasn't ready to cross. The relationship with him never matured.

I have only been with 3 (including DH) guys my entire life. All of them my long time boyfriends. I never took sex lightly because if we were having sex it meant I was in love. I could never separate the two.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

A link to your other thread?

You mentioned something died/changed after the birth of your daughter. Has it returned? What material have you read on building a better you and a better you? Have you read "Not Just Friends" ? Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

The actual affair you speak little of, but it is of the most importance. You were smart enough to end the affair, just as my wife did, but then waited to tell your spouse. My wife waited two and a half years, you waited six months, but the damage is the same. Your husband knew something was wrong as did others in your family. The deception from infidelity is very painful to the betrayed spouse. My wife could have told me as I knew something was going on, but instead watched me crash and burn. This was very hard to work through, as she INTENTIONALLY caused more pain by staying silent.

Now you see first hand the damage your choices caused, to both your spouse and soon to your daughter. You see your husband hurting beyond belief, which hurts you also as you know your actions caused this. Your husband views you differently, no longer calling you a pet name, and I'm sure that is very painful. With all of this said, you have taken steps to improve yourself as a person. May I ask if your husband is in IC? He will most likely need to, these are tough waters to navigate through.

From the bible a cheating woman was brought forth. This was intended to be a test on Jesus to see how he would punish the woman. What Jesus said was if you have sinned then cast a stone, no stones thrown and soon they left. Jesus told the woman to sin no more. I think this is what you must do now. Can you atone for your actions? Can you repent for your actions? I believe you can. Has your husband decided on reconciliation or divorce?

Being about a month from d-day I doubt he is entirely sure of what he wants. My suggestion to him is to wait six months for his emotions and feelings to calm down. In the meantime I hope you inderstand that your words mean very little to him. He will be watching for actions that display that your are one hundred percent for the marriage and to help him. Unfortunately for you I don't think the worst has come yet, your husband is soon to hit anger, and then pure rage. This is very difficult to go through.

I am hoping you have found a MC who specializes in infidelity. Having the wrong MC can do more harm then good. What steps are you going through in IC, have you begun forgiveness?

Best of luck to you and your husband.

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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

Blood,

One thing, you said, "we only made out", kissing is in many ways more intense than oral or intercourse and is sex. You can also catch STDs HPV, etc that way.

If the kissing in your marriage was empty or passionless at any time this will be a bitter memory for your BH.

Did your BH confront the OM or expose him?

Tamat

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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

Hi,

I gave him the option to talk to the OM. The OM's youngest son died recently (I think idk when he died but sometime between June-Jan)and my DH says he is not going to tell his gf. He doesn't feel it's his place and he cant imagine this woman's pain after loosing a child.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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Originally Posted by Bloodinthecut View Post
Hi,

I wrote about a month ago. You can see me thread below. I lost my credentials so I had to start a new account. I posted yesterday on a post giving advice and one of the posters told me to come an update.

My days are heavy. I will try to make this concise but there is so much to say. Please don't mistake my brevity for omission. I can answer follow-up questions.

I came clean to my husband about a month ago. I had my mom take my daughter for the weekend. Well we spent almost 48hrs crying, talking and not sleeping. I am in individual counseling (which I had started prior to coming clean) and we have been to 3 sessions of couple counseling. Those two days were the hardest of my life and then forth. I am at work right now and I can't go into much detail because I will start crying. But overall there was many questions, crying, there was not wanting to know details to wanting to know details. I showed him everything and told him everything. I gave him OM's phone number and told him he was free to call him and ask if I was telling the truth (we never slept together, never had oral sex and only made out). My relationship with OM never went that deep that there should be no ill will and I have nothing to hide. I don't think he would make up stuff (risk I was willing to take if it helped my DH.) My husband kept the number and a few days later said that he was going to "choose" to believe that I had not defiled our marital bed. I told him that he had his number.

He did want to go on his FB which is private and I haven't had access too. OM had recently changed profile picture to his grandfather who had just passed away. From the comments, we found out that his 4th child (during our affair his GF was pregnant but I was not privy to this during affair and its how I cut off affair) died a few weeks after birth. The baby, like I mentioned, was a mirco-preemie and did not make it. My DH decided that he was not going to call his GF or him.

I am working with my psychiatrist . I am only on 1mg of Clonazepam for sleep which I think is a placebo affect at this point.

My husband said that for months he knew there was something wrong with me. I wasn't eating, my speech was slow, I was loosing weight, I always looked tired. He knew I was in pain but didn't know how to broach the subject. See here is were we differ from other situations. My husband did not see suspicions behavior but for months had seen that I was in terrible pain and that I was depressed. He seen that I was deeply regretful. He said that (I did not know this) several family members had reached out to him to ask about me because they were worried about me. He said in November when my sister came to visit she pulled him aside and crying told him "something is not right with her. something is terribly wrong. She doesn't talk, she is always tired, she doesn't eat and I have never seen her this skinny!" He said he told my sister "I know, I know. I have tried different things (he had tried taking me out dates and planning activities) but she is despondent."

I don't know what is next. He sleeps in the study. We don't really talk. Our daughter is the glue holding us together. Although our relationship is forever changed, our duty to our daughter is still the same. I pick her up from school, I cook dinner, I take the baby a bath, he puts her down, I clean the kitchen. He comes out and goes into the study.

I have been watching reruns of The Office at night. Something light. The only two times we have spoken (besides) routine things is when he complimented the "Valentine Day grams" I was making for my daughter's class. He said "You have always had a great eye for aesthetics" and then the other day I asked him if he wanted to watch an episode of The Office (it was our favorite in college and this one episode is one of his favorites). He agreed and we watched the episode together.

He told the therapist that he does think I am sorry. That when I told him what had happened, it explained my health situation for the last year. He said he knew I was sick but didn't know why. He says he doesn't see me the same. I am no longer his "cat" (pet name) which burns with the fire of a thousand suns. More than anything to hear him say I was no longer his cat. That is who I am.

The therapist says that she believes that we have a shot at R bc we came under different circumstances than most couples. I just pray and thank god that during my stupidity that I was smart enough not to sleep with OM. Its the only lifesaver I have now, the only thing keeping us afloat.

I am learning to live with the burn. My chest tightens, my heart swells and I feel like I can't breath. I had been feeling this for months which is why I started taking the Xanax. To dull the pain of guilt and sin and remorse. I am always uncomfortable. I find no comfort. But somehow I learning to live with it and I understand that I need to feel the burn. I need to take it. There is no way out. Its a pain I must feel.

But the worse part of this, is seeing him live in the silence. I have lived in the silence. I know what its like to live there. And, I cant belging to explain what it feels to have him live in the silence. That I brought him there. That I put him there. That he never deserved to know such agony, betrayal. He never deserved to live in hell. At this point, I just want to do what is right by him. Whatever that might be and I understand that might mean a life without me.

In many ways, I feel like my life had just started and I blew it all up. I am getting an inheritance at the end of the year. I told him that should he choose to divorce me that if he would allow me that I would like to give him half of my inheritance. Its not a bribe or anything. I just feel like he is entitled to that money for all the years he took care of me (us.) He said he wasn't sure if he wanted it or anything from me.

So that's were I am at.

My health has gotten better. I have gained about 8 pounds and I am slowly eating more and more. People are coming up to me and telling me " I looked great." My boss told me for awhile there "you looked really unhealthy" which is funny because you don't realize that people are noticing. My speech is back. I can speak again. Cognitively, I am getting sharper. As far as me saying I loved OM. I didn't. Whoa! I didn't. When I did what I did. I became frozen in time (there is a word for this) and I lived my life within those 2 months. I couldn't move forward because I stunted myself. It was full on psychological warfare. When I think of OM, I see a block now. I just feel mental fatigue.

I don't believe in R in most cases, If you read my post you know I rail against it. I would take you back. I probably would divorce you and start over, but secretly I would want it to work out. You have the contrite attitude that so many don't have. I also think PPD contributed in that it may have taken some of your emotional strength. This is a physical thing that can't be overlooked. Finally, you didn't go all the way, you dipped your toe, and even though it's still the same intent, where you end up matters. I believe staying with someone that had POV or real emotional love is too disparaging for anyone to try to overcome if they are a BS. Thank God you didn't do that.

You said in your other post that you lost touch with God, only God can heal your husband. I pray for both of you.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bloodinthecut View Post
Hi,

I gave him the option to talk to the OM. The OM's youngest son died recently (I think idk when he died but sometime between June-Jan)and my DH says he is not going to tell his gf. He doesn't feel it's his place and he cant imagine this woman's pain after loosing a child.
Has he told you if he wants to try R? You mentioned in your other post about your inheritance should he decide to go the D route. It must be agonizing to wait if you don't know which way you're headed.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
The actual affair you speak little of, but it is of the most importance. You were smart enough to end the affair, just as my wife did, but then waited to tell your spouse. My wife waited two and a half years, you waited six months, but the damage is the same. Your husband knew something was wrong as did others in your family. The deception from infidelity is very painful to the betrayed spouse. My wife could have told me as I knew something was going on, but instead watched me crash and burn. This was very hard to work through, as she INTENTIONALLY caused more pain by staying silent.

Now you see first hand the damage your choices caused, to both your spouse and soon to your daughter. You see your husband hurting beyond belief, which hurts you also as you know your actions caused this. Your husband views you differently, no longer calling you a pet name, and I'm sure that is very painful. With all of this said, you have taken steps to improve yourself as a person. May I ask if your husband is in IC? He will most likely need to, these are tough waters to navigate through.

From the bible a cheating woman was brought forth. This was intended to be a test on Jesus to see how he would punish the woman. What Jesus said was if you have sinned then cast a stone, no stones thrown and soon they left. Jesus told the woman to sin no more. I think this is what you must do now. Can you atone for your actions? Can you repent for your actions? I believe you can. Has your husband decided on reconciliation or divorce?

Being about a month from d-day I doubt he is entirely sure of what he wants. My suggestion to him is to wait six months for his emotions and feelings to calm down. In the meantime I hope you inderstand that your words mean very little to him. He will be watching for actions that display that your are one hundred percent for the marriage and to help him. Unfortunately for you I don't think the worst has come yet, your husband is soon to hit anger, and then pure rage. This is very difficult to go through.

I am hoping you have found a MC who specializes in infidelity. Having the wrong MC can do more harm then good. What steps are you going through in IC, have you begun forgiveness?

Best of luck to you and your husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
A link to your other thread?

You mentioned something died/changed after the birth of your daughter. Has it returned? What material have you read on building a better you and a better you? Have you read "Not Just Friends" ? Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I don't believe in R in most cases, If you read my post you know I rail against it. I would take you back. I probably would divorce you and start over, but secretly I would want it to work out. You have the contrite attitude that so many don't have. I also think PPD contributed in that it may have taken some of your emotional strength. This is a physical thing that can't be overlooked. Finally, you didn't go all the way, you dipped your toe, and even though it's still the same intent, where you end up matters. I believe staying with someone that had POV or real emotional love is too disparaging for anyone to try to overcome if they are a BS. Thank God you didn't do that.

You said in your other post that you lost touch with God, only God can heal your husband. I pray for both of you.

Thank you Sokillme. If we were to divorce, I would never marry again. I wouldn't believe in everlasting love. If I couldn't make it with him, then I cant make it with anyone. I know people think I am saying this out of my despair but I really mean it. This true. I would never love again.
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Part 2: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax and on the Mend

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Has he told you if he wants to try R? You mentioned in your other post about your inheritance should he decide to go the D route. It must be agonizing to wait if you don't know which way you're headed.
Idk, yet. Its the price I pay. Like I said, I am just doing what is best for him at this point. I don't expect anything.
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