Need some Help - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Need some Help

So a little over 2 months ago my husband of 20 years did a complete 360. Started losing weight, eating healthy helping out around the house and really pretty much everything i wanted. Things where going good and then out of the blue he told me he had something he had to tell me. He confessed that on my birthday he had made himself an advance cheque from his work with out his bosses consent(wanted to make sure he had money for my birthday) and also that he owed his work a large some of money that i thought was paid off. He said he was truly sorry that he had done it and in fact reported himself to his employer and felt he needed to tell me to make sure he was not keeping anymore secrets from me. I should also mention that the house we live is owned by his boss we pay the mortgage on it in hopes of one day taking over the mortgage.Which means this could cost us our home. He has told our children what he has done and they have forgiven him and I am so confused on what i should do. Any advise would be great !!

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: Need some Help

what did he do with the money? where did it go?
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some Help

he never cashed the cheque he just ripped it up and his boss confirmed that!
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Need some Help

okay so the cheque is ripped up so there is no deficit of money missing....does he still owe money to the company? the part you thought was paid off?
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: Need some Help

He sounds penitent... forgive him.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some Help

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okay so the cheque is ripped up so there is no deficit of money missing....does he still owe money to the company? the part you thought was paid off?
Yes but is paying off slowy cheque by cheque with the agreement of his boss
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Need some Help

it sounds like he had you in mind and he might have been sad that he could not get you something nice for your birthday....he is a man who might feel over whelmed with guilt for not being able to please you while at the same time guilt for his actions at work.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: Need some Help

What else would you like him to do that he hasn't done OP? Do you feel he should have done more to prove he was sorry and regretted his actions?
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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What else would you like him to do that he hasn't done OP? Do you feel he should have done more to prove he was sorry and regretted his actions?
I have heard him before say he was going to change and its for a couple of weeks and then he is back to his old self. This time it has been 2 + months and he has done great except for the whole cheque thing. Just scared that is the start of him going back to his old ways and the fact that he told me he would not hurt me again and has and put our whole family in jeopardy this time
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Need some Help

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I have heard him before say he was going to change and its for a couple of weeks and then he is back to his old self. This time it has been 2 + months and he has done great except for the whole cheque thing. Just scared that is the start of him going back to his old ways and the fact that he told me he would not hurt me again and has and put our whole family in jeopardy this time
What old ways? How has he hurt you in the past?

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Need some Help

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I have heard him before say he was going to change and its for a couple of weeks and then he is back to his old self. This time it has been 2 + months and he has done great except for the whole cheque thing. Just scared that is the start of him going back to his old ways and the fact that he told me he would not hurt me again and has and put our whole family in jeopardy this time
Ahh I see, it is the history that is making it difficult to let your guard down and forgive completely. He's made it hard for you to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open again.

To an outside observer, his actions come across as genuinely remorseful. Especially the fact that he tore the cheque before using it. Plus going to employer is incredibly courageous, especially in light of the fact that he didn't use the cheque. He probably would never have been found out. Then you and the children. It all comes across as someone who felt extremely guilty about what they had done and embarrassed about their lapse in judgement.

According to you outside of this he's done very well in the past two months. I handled this mistake very well. Truly, there is nothing more he could've done to right that wrong. You don't want to send him the damned if you do, damned if you don't message. He needs positive reinforcement now to show him the positive impcts of being a better husband. Acknowledge the courage it took for him to own up to that mistake to everyone involved.

Tell him straight up that because of the past it will take you some time to get over this but you appreciate how he responded and took responsibility. You've noticed all his changes and you're impressed that he'd keeping it up. This can be turned into a really positive situation. An opportunity for intimate conversation; exploration of the past and resentments you may have, new realizations he's had over the last two months...
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some Help

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Ahh I see, it is the history that is making it difficult to let your guard down and forgive completely. He's made it hard for you to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open again.

To an outside observer, his actions come across as genuinely remorseful. Especially the fact that he tore the cheque before using it. Plus going to employer is incredibly courageous, especially in light of the fact that he didn't use the cheque. He probably would never have been found out. Then you and the children. It all comes across as someone who felt extremely guilty about what they had done and embarrassed about their lapse in judgement.

According to you outside of this he's done very well in the past two months. I handled this mistake very well. Truly, there is nothing more he could've done to right that wrong. You don't want to send him the damned if you do, damned if you don't message. He needs positive reinforcement now to show him the positive impcts of being a better husband. Acknowledge the courage it took for him to own up to that mistake to everyone involved. My kids feel the same way as him that what he did was wrong but owning uo to it was a very hard thing to do and they forgive him

Tell him straight up that because of the past it will take you some time to get over this but you appreciate how he responded and took responsibility. You've noticed all his changes and you're impressed that he'd keeping it up. This can be turned into a really positive situation. An opportunity for intimate conversation; exploration of the past and resentments you may have, new realizations he's had over the last two months...
The fear is very real so much so that I am going to look at a place of my own tomorrow just conflicted because he says if i hadn"t told anyone everything would be fine but he had to tell me because he felt it was the right thing to do and wanted to be honest with me. I have left 3 times in the last month to a girlfriends house but it has never lasted more than 24 hours. My kids feel the same way as him that it was wrong but proud of him for owning up to it and forgive him

Last edited by lookingforhelp74; 02-15-2017 at 06:51 PM. Reason: added more
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: Need some Help

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The fear is very real so much so that I am going to look at a place of my own tomorrow just conflicted because he says if i hadn"t told anyone everything would be fine but he had to tell me because he felt it was the right thing to do and wanted to be honest with me. I have left 3 times in the last month to a girlfriends house but it has never lasted more than 24 hours. My kids feel the same way as him that it was wrong but proud of him for owning up to it and forgive him
So what exactly do you want from the relationship right now OP? What do you need from him in this moment that you're not getting. How can he help ease your fears?

What is your list of things that you need him to do/change right now?
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: Need some Help

I would suggest counselling, individually and as a couple.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some Help

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I would suggest counselling, individually and as a couple.
he has gone 4 times in the last months and i joined him 1 time he has left it up too me to schedule couples counselling. and i have not gone bye myself
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