Men watch and learn - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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Men watch and learn

I'm sure that title is going to piss people off...

I hear a lot of women complain about this issue and I know it's common in my marriage as well. When I come to my husband because I'm upset or had a bad day, I'm looking for empathy, support, understanding. Not answers, suggestions or ways to fix things. You can't fix emotion with practicality. Yes you may have good ideas, but I'm not looking for a fix, I'm looking for comfort and connection and understanding... that is what will make me feel better.

This came to my mind because I just saw this short clip on YouTube and it was perfectly put

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

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post #2 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I'm sure that title is going to piss people off...

I hear a lot of women complain about this issue and I know it's common in my marriage as well. When I come to my husband because I'm upset or had a bad day, I'm looking for empathy, support, understanding. Not answers, suggestions or ways to fix things. You can't fix emotion with practicality. Yes you may have good ideas, but I'm not looking for a fix, I'm looking for comfort and connection and understanding... that is what will make me feel better.

This came to my mind because I just saw this short clip on YouTube and it was perfectly put

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
Very nice!

PS... I don't want to fix you, but I do wish you a happier path. It is within you, you know...
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post #3 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

Agreed. I wish I knew that back when I was married, but it sure helps me deal with women better now.

Last edited by Bananapeel; 02-15-2017 at 04:12 PM.
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post #4 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

Thanks for posting that.
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post #5 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

Katie i concur with what your saying, but you have to understand that our biological makeup for men, is to hear the problem, identify a solution (s) and implement that solution, it is naturally how we are wired......and it takes a lot of work for us to bite our lip and say not thing and only express support and empathy....we normally go into action...active not passive...but i again understand what your saying and we are willing to do that, but understand this....i can also tell you that what your expressing has personally comeback to bite me on the butt. because what i was hearing was the need for empathy and what she wanted was action to be taken...so i ask because we men were not born with mind reading capabilities...what do you want us to do, help us help you ;-)
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post #6 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Men watch and learn

Just give us a hug, tell us your sorry, and ask if there is anything you can do that will make us feel better @Xenote then the next day, maybe a little token to let us know you love us and your thinking about us. That token can be a small note, coffee brought to us, a long hug, flowers, our favorite candy. ))

Ps- sometimes we don't know what we want, we're emotional messes at times. Be kind and patient with us
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post #7 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

I could just as easily tell women that men are problem solvers, it's in our nature, and actually stresses us out when we can't, so presenting us with a problem and then expecting us not to try and fix it is inconsiderate and insensitive on your part.

Assuming you have female friends, why don't you talk to them when you just want to vent, since they most likely employ and appreciate that form of communication, while for men it is incredibly unpleasant.

Passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable (whatever that means)
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post #8 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men watch and learn

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Originally Posted by Joey2k View Post
I could just as easily tell women that men are problem solvers, it's in our nature, and actually stresses us out when we can't, so presenting us with a problem and then expecting us not to try and fix it is inconsiderate and insensitive on your part.

Assuming you have female friends, why don't you talk to them when you just want to vent, since they most likely employ and appreciate that form of communication, while for men it is incredibly unpleasant.


Wow. Let me answer this for you.
I want to feel understood and supported by my husband. Relationships, at least from a women's perspective require emotional connection. When I want to vent, and talk for an hour about something I'll call my girlfriend. But when I come home from a bad day at work and I just need a little kindness and support, I'll go to my husband.

Another thing is... when your spouse comes to you for something, you generally should give them what THEY need, not what you need or want. Because it is about them isn't it? When my husband comes to me when he's upset, he doesn't want a hug and a im sorry, my husband wants me to agree with him and say how stupid that person was and blah blah. I know this through experience with my husband. I want to make HIM feel better therefore I do what makes HIM feel better. If empathy makes women feel better... and you want us to feel better... why give us a sandwich? It doesn't make sense.
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post #9 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

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Originally Posted by Joey2k View Post
I could just as easily tell women that men are problem solvers, it's in our nature, and actually stresses us out when we can't, so presenting us with a problem and then expecting us not to try and fix it is inconsiderate and insensitive on your part.

Assuming you have female friends, why don't you talk to them when you just want to vent, since they most likely employ and appreciate that form of communication, while for men it is incredibly unpleasant.
Or you could learn empathy. There will be points in your life when you will want empathy as well. It's a two way street.

One of the best ways to build non-sexual intimacy is to learn about what really makes your spouse tick, what they really feel and thing. If you just want her to leave you alone and only seek out friends for this sort of intimacy, then don't be surprised when she feels disconnected and her feelings for you diminish.
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post #10 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn




As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.
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post #11 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

I have learned in nearly 40 years of marriage, not to try to fix emotional reactions, not suggest anything. Just support, I ask her to verbalize and keep going until she feels somewhat better. It is in a man's makeup to fix stuff. Women are more in touch with their emotions, so fixing stuff may not be their default position. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, I provide it. If she needs me to hold her up, I will hold her up. If she wants to rant and rave, I will provide the ear and a cup of tea.

I used to get mad at her stressors, then I found that she misread the anger, and thought it was directed at her. I learned that, my anger was not in any way productive, and therefore learned to put it aside, and be strong for her.
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post #12 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:15 PM
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Men watch and learn

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
Katie i concur with what your saying, but you have to understand that our biological makeup for men, is to hear the problem, identify a solution (s) and implement that solution, it is naturally how we are wired......and it takes a lot of work for us to bite our lip and say not thing and only express support and empathy....we normally go into action...active not passive...but i again understand what your saying and we are willing to do that, but understand this....i can also tell you that what your expressing has personally comeback to bite me on the butt. because what i was hearing was the need for empathy and what she wanted was action to be taken...so i ask because we men were not born with mind reading capabilities...what do you want us to do, help us help you ;-)


You posted the men's response, thank you.

Katie,

Earlier you asked for help from the men to be a better wife. Well, her is what you needed to do: Communicate Effectively.

If you had a bad day, then tell your husband you had a bad day and just need a hug and someone to listen.

If you need a problem solved, then say that.

You are responsible to get your needs met by CLEARLY communicating what those needs are.

No mind reading, $hit tests, or any other games.
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post #13 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

I think this is to right for some women, but not all by any means. My wife is very much a problem solver and wants advice on fixing things. She has never been the blubbery, "my life sucks" type. She generally shows less emotion than I do.

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post #14 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:16 PM
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Men watch and learn

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Originally Posted by Joey2k View Post
I could just as easily tell women that men are problem solvers, it's in our nature, and actually stresses us out when we can't, so presenting us with a problem and then expecting us not to try and fix it is inconsiderate and insensitive on your part.

Assuming you have female friends, why don't you talk to them when you just want to vent, since they most likely employ and appreciate that form of communication, while for men it is incredibly unpleasant.


This^^^

Katie,

Is this part of the home stress that is affecting H's job?

By now you must know how a doctor is wired. Survey, analyze, fix. Some doctors are compassionate. Some are cold. But they ALL know how to fix.

What kind of doctor is H?

Instead of posting this thread, tell your husband, not us.
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post #15 of 65 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Men watch and learn

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post

Another thing is... when your spouse comes to you for something, you generally should give them what THEY need, not what you need or want. Because it is about them isn't it?
And yet that's exactly what you're doing (or suggesting it's ok for women to do). Your husband sees a problem that is threatening you, and, since you are supposed to be on the same team, him, so he feels a need to fix it to restore peace and order in your lives. And you're telling him no, just listen to me complain about it. You say he's not giving you what you need, well you are trying to get your needs met as his expense. Very hypocritical.

Passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable (whatever that means)
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