what to do when your spouse tells you "this"? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

Long story short my husband and I are having a fight. During day 1 of the fight (really before it turned into the fight) he told me that he sometimes he wants to run away. That the pressure of providing is all too much. First of all, this isnt the first time he has said this (3rd time). Also this greatly concerns me for a very specific reason, his father left his mother when my husband was a young boy and his sister was a baby. He always says that it was the worse moment of his life but, I'm worried that history will repeat.

Im sad and dramatic right now but hearing it the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time hasnt changed my concerns and when I voiced them he told me he would never share another thought with me again (i know it will pass but it wasnt the "I would never leave you" comment I was hoping for)

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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

Is he the only provider in the family? IF so do you do everything you can at home not to burden him with home issues to much as soon as he walk in the door?

How long have you been married? do you have children?

If you don't work outside the home are you able to? in order to help him out.

Sounds like he is stressed out, but about what things is what needs to be answered.



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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

He does sound stressed. I wouldn't worry. I think a lot of people feel like running at times. I know my husband and I both do. Especially if we've had a particularly bad day in the school, kids, or work departments.

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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

Another issue is, do you fight often, and when you do, do you fight fair? How you fight is more important than the issues, and if you are not seeking consensus and resolution with reasonable calm and without acrimony, then I could understand his desire to flee.

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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

He does sound stressed.

I would suggest sitting down with him with a pen and paper so you can write down the root of his stress and then work together to find possible solutions to the problems.

After this, make sure that you are bot doing7 what your need to release some of the stress. After a week or so, reevaluate this situation and see how things are going and where more improvements should be made.


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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

This is what you say and say it often..."this very moment is the difference between you and your father, when it got tough he left and you stayed, and i can not tell you how proud i am of you, how proud your mom must be. This is why i am so happy to be your partner because you are the type of man who will not allow for history to repeat itself, and your the better man for it. I am here to listen when you need to vent, i am here to support you when you need help, and i thank god that you are here for us. You never have to do this alone, i am right next to you.

the key is not to push him away further, but closer.
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

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Originally Posted by sparklebug View Post
he told me that he sometimes he wants to run away
This year will be my 30th anniversary and some days I feel exactly this. I know that is not what you want to hear, but remember, I'm still here.

If what you need is a reaffirmation of his commitment to you in the form of him saying "I'll never leave you", then ask for it. You have a right to ask that your emotional needs be met. If he responds well and does honestly recommit to you then reward him with your joy.

I think a lot of people need this.
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

Tell him you know how he feels because sometimes you want to run away, too. It's a fleeting response to stress that a lot of people have. Not running away separates the children from the adults.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

Ask him what he needs from you to help him to not feel this way.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

I suggest a lot of exercise so he can burn off some of that energy. Seriously. Actually getting out and running, biking, walking, lifting weights, digging in the garden, home improvement projects, etc. Whatever he is physically capable of. Our bodies need vigorous activity, and if we aren't getting it we can feel unsettled.

Secondly, I would suggest making sure his diet is good. Cut down the caffeine. Try to quit the sugar. Eat healthy meals. He might have some generalized anxiety or depression which a healthier diet could improve.

Next, make sure he feels appreciated for what he does. I used to think of it as I was the "family mule". Everybody wanted something from me, but nobody ever wanted to do something with me. Everybody needed more cash for something. The more I made the less we had in the bank! So be sure your husband feels loved and appreciated.

The book "5 Love Languages" might help both of you. He may need words of affirmation.

Finally, I would find a way to reduce the demands on him somehow. Maybe it means having a good detailed budget so he knows where the money goes and he feels the purchases are mutually agreed upon. Dave Ramsey's book is a good one. Maybe it means you getting a job if you don't have one.

I think it is quite likely his anxiety is actually driven by his fear of being like his dad. He may be misinterpreting it. He thinks about the pressures of providing (which we all feel) and then he worries he might be weak like his father. He attaches his anxieties to the wrong thing. So perhaps he should see a counselor. His work should provide a free and totally confidential counseling service via Employee Assistance Program. It really is totally confidential, his employer won't even know he went.

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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

He has abandonment issues stemming from his childhood and he's stressed. But hey, we all get stressed. I get stressed at the day to day grind, but I never tell my wife that I want to run away. That's what vacations are for - relieving stress. Maybe it's time to plan one? Also, maybe he needs counseling to work through his abandonment issues?
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
Ask him what he needs from you to help him to not feel this way.
This is where I would start... if he's feeling the burden of "providing"... does this mean debt is also piling up...does he complain he has little time for himself?

What is happening at his Job / Difficult boss? Is he struggling with his career choice... When you married, did you agree on what sort of lifestyle ...more traditional (the woman stays at home & takes care of the house) , or more Modern.... both working and doing their share of chores at home...did anything change?

Sit down & ask him what you can do.. what you both can do.. to turn this around.. so he won't be feeling too much pressure... if money is tight, work on a budget...if he'd like you to get a part time job to help out.. work on making that happen.. a change may be a good thing.
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

I think he is just letting off steam,if he was going to run he would just leave.Some people make comments like this to diffuse a situation where something might be said that would be unforgivable.I often heard my dad say to my mom "If I had shot you the night I met you I would be out of jail by now".Her answer was "with your aim you would probably have shot yourself".They both new that it was a joke.He once told me during a difference of opinion that it was me that had kept them from divorcing as neither of them wanted custody.
Neither of them were American so this may sound terrible to some people but their sense of humour kept them together over forty years.
That and their wonderful son lol.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklebug View Post
Long story short my husband and I are having a fight. During day 1 of the fight (really before it turned into the fight) he told me that he sometimes he wants to run away. That the pressure of providing is all too much. First of all, this isnt the first time he has said this (3rd time). Also this greatly concerns me for a very specific reason, his father left his mother when my husband was a young boy and his sister was a baby. He always says that it was the worse moment of his life but, I'm worried that history will repeat.

Im sad and dramatic right now but hearing it the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time hasnt changed my concerns and when I voiced them he told me he would never share another thought with me again (i know it will pass but it wasnt the "I would never leave you" comment I was hoping for)
Your H sounds stressed from the responsibility of financially carrying the family. I, in many respects, can relate. What do you do to help carry some of the load? Pay the bills? Shop wisely thus saving money? Are you part of overall care taking of home or does your H perhaps feel the entire responsibility is his? If so, what can you do to help him? Also, it appears you are worried about yourself and did not really care for what your H has been telling you. If you do not step up and listen to your H history may repeat itself.

You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: what to do when your spouse tells you "this"?

My wife said the same thing to other people in front of me. A few years later I got the ILYBNILWY speech
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