General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
6 months ago I also did slip and kiss a guy, which I told him about, I understand that I need to accept the consequences of this too, and that this would be very very hard for him to deal with, and again he'll need time. He has dealt with it very well and seems to understand that it was a result of our situation, not to make excuses I know I did an unforgivable thing and I know it's huge and I should have mentioned it in my post earlier. I just feel overall that is not the issue we are dealing with at the moment, it's the stress and his resentment over my depression which is slowly being resolved.
Hi awake ~
Sounds like there's a lot of issues that have been, or are currently, going on. Stress, depression, resentment, and you mentioned a possible EA/PA with another guy. I wouldn't actually minimize the kiss with the other guy. I think that would be pretty devastating to find out from your spouse.
With all of those things brewing around in your marriage/intimacy cauldron, have you ever considered going to MC together? Having an objective third-party who could help facilitate discussing these issues and help you work through them could be beneficial to you both.
Jeez I'm in the same boat, I'm new to this site so please excuse me if I make an error, I found this thread because I'm searching for a solution to saving my second marriage which is really important to me.
I'm a 33 yr old man in the marriage & it's my 32 yr old wife who has trouble opening up sexually. She doesn't orgasm, no matter what I try to fix this - only orally, & only once. She has always been this way. There is definitely nothing wrong with me!
In the 3 years we've been together, we would average lovemaking once a week / once a fortnight. I tried to sort it out 4 times by trying to determine her feelings & emotions, but with no dice... Now, after our first child, its been 6 months & we've made love 3 times in that time. She still finds it painful & therefore keeps away from me.
I'm not happy in this dull, sexless relationship. I'm not a fool and I know I have much on my shoulders here & much to lose if this marriage fails. Now I love my wife, but I'm becoming distant from her & losing interest in her - she is fit by the way, petite, 32D, but this don't help because she doesn't have any sexual drive at all anymore & its killing me.
I'm a hopeless sick romantic & I've tried lots of different things to rekindle the magic but I notice no spark or even initiation from her - never have. I put it down to exhaustion, the baby is very difficult, teething after breast-feeding difficulties...etc. etc. but the problems were there even before we tied the knot. Oh dear...
The bad news is, I met another woman. She is one of my customers & we see each other often. At first I left any emotional feelings aside & ignored every temptation. But eventually we started to draw near each other. Taking long country walks, getting out shopping, laughing, having fun, I even inscribed her name on a tree... Just like I did for the madam, the difference is she actually loved that gesture. My wife can't even remember where I inscribed her's... This woman, my
friend, is extremely beautiful & she has a wonderful, deep personality which I have a weakness for. But as of yet, we haven't made love to each other - but we kiss all the time & its great! I've never been kissed like that before by anyone I have known.
We drew so close together to a point now, where I had to make a very difficult decision. I poured my heart out to this friend of mine, & she found herself holding, with great difficulty, onto her countenance, & not beat me up with her brollie.
Being the good girl she is, she advised me to look deep in myself & decide what to do, because she won't play second fiddle - Understandably & I agree with her. I then told her I am going to continue to try & fix this marriage. So we shall agree to remain as friends, which I know will cause trouble but I can't let go of her, I know I must, but I'm starting to fall in love with her.
But I can't afford another divorce it is the greatest pain for one & one's children. I know no other grief more overbearing - not even death, because in death at least there's closure.
I know I'm no angel but I'm trying really hard, please, please can someone help me? I thin I need to pray.
Davey, what was the connection with your wife like BEFORE the baby? Almost sounds as though you knew she was not very sexual even then??
If she is breastfeeding, this often destroys a new Mom's sex drive -it raises her prolactin levels which ...unfortunately lower her Testosterone levels -our lust hormone. A very very hard time for many husbands.
Quote:
Prolactin is the ultimate sex drive killer. A woman’s sex drive can almost completely disappear when prolactin levels are high. Many people are aware of this for some time after giving birth and while breast-feeding, when prolactin levels are naturally high
YOu said the problems were there BEFORE you tied the knot? What problems ? WHy did you marry?
For women ....it could be either..... LOW drive (due to hormones-just not feeling it ) , Resentment (due to problems in the marriage) , or even some Sexual repression (due to inhibitions), or even insecurities about their bodies, Too busy, too stressful, depressed .... a variety of things can keep a womon from craving sex, what do you feel is your wifes main issues ?
thank you... yes I did know but I know people change & I was hoping she would too. We tried last night & it was great... I learnt that as a dumb ass man, if I keep my mouth shut things work out quite well but Oh my God is it difficult to do.
Sorry for not getting back sooner, hope you all had a wonderful xmas.
Davey, I'm sorry for the troubles you are going through, I know it's not easy at all.
Simplyamorous, thank you for your continued support in this tread. I bought the book about different sex-drives and found it very interesting. I'm an erotic drive and my husband a sensual drive, and with our issues he has also become a stressed drive. I can definitley see where our problems are coming from, and actually I think if I can give him the time he needs and continue to work on my own depression issues etc then I think he can move back to being a sensual drive with a bit of an erotic drive (because in the early days he was always very adventerous and he often says he doesn't like 'vanilla sex'), and for myself I'm not a 100% erotic drive either, I like to have sex which is gentle and loving and more about the connection too. The book has opened up for some good communication and we have been getting close with erotic massages and talked a lot about how to get to where we want to be. I feel positive for the new year. I must run as this time is dedicated family time and I'm not supposed to be spending any time on the computer :-) Happy New Year to you all.
Leelo, yes there's other stuff going on, as mentioned I have suffered a lot from depression, still do, but am currently managing it pretty well with exercise. Only this year has he opened up to me about the resentment and feeling like he has been more of a carer because he had to walk on eggshells, not knowing what my moods would be like and whether I'd be coping well that day or not when he came home from work. Other issues also include a perception change for him when we had our daughter... suddenly he saw me more as our daugther's mother than his wife, I also had problems after giving birth with a lot of pain with sex, which made sex impossible for the first year, and made it quite challenging for another 2 years really, I still wanted to have sex as it was only painful for a little bit when he entered, but he felt like he was hurting me and I think it took all the passion out of it for him. Things are so much better in that area now, like 90% better, but I think the lack of sex has just become a habit. Then just as things were improving he hurt his back really bad and that set us back too. I feel as close to 100% as I can about him not having affair and not being gay, I have asked him directly and really there are no signs whatsoever. The depression that I've suffered is definitely the main factor. He definitely is a typical man in that he's very visual and although I haven't changed much physically (have always been between 50-54 kilos) I'm noticing a big change lately as I've gotten very active with exercise and am starting to become very toned, he has mentioned that more than big boobs etc he is more attracted to an athletic, toned body and I can tell that he's looking at me more and giving me more compliments. I am excited to see what 2 weeks of no stress and work over Christmas does to his sex-drive. I feel that we have worked through a lot of the resentment issues and we now just need a chance to reconnect. In the meantime though I have to be super patient and it's nice to come here and get it off my chest. Last night as we were hugging naked in bad I just felt like I was about to explode, but he can't take himself there when has work early in the morning etc. 3 weeks go buy easily without sex because he's pretty much said to not even approach it (so that I don't get hurt by rejection) in the week, so weekends are the only 'ok zone' for sex, then one week I might be on my period and I think he very much views that as everything being off the cards, eventhough I could still do stuff to him etc. Then one week he might be studying as he's also doing extra studies on top of his busy job. It all just comes down to stress, stress, stress. I want to be with him so badly, and when he's not wanting to I just end up fantasising about other guys and I get a lot of attention from guys when I go out, it's very easy to imagine what could happen if I let it.
Simpyamorous, I love the book recommendations, keep them coming :-) THANK YOU. I love to read and have not been able to find anything that has really helped yet. I have asked him directly both in writing and face to face if he masturbates and he says that he doesn't do it very often. He might do it quickly in the shower just to get the release before work (but he gets up at 4am and I'm not sure I'd be in the mood then to be honest), it's not something he does to porn a lot or anything like that. I know that he can be a very very sexual person, very adventorous and can take charge and be so very sexy and amazing in bed. I think with the depression issues, resentment over that etc he's build up some sort of coping mechanism to not be sexual and now we need to break down that wall again. I need to be patient, because he really WANTS to get sex back in to our lives and he's doing all the right things, just very very slowly. 6 months ago I also did slip and kiss a guy, which I told him about, I understand that I need to accept the consequences of this too, and that this would be very very hard for him to deal with, and again he'll need time. He has dealt with it very well and seems to understand that it was a result of our situation, not to make excuses I know I did an unforgivable thing and I know it's huge and I should have mentioned it in my post earlier. I just feel overall that is not the issue we are dealing with at the moment, it's the stress and his resentment over my depression which is slowly being resolved. I think it's hard for him to let his guard down and truly believe that I am really changing. I am coping SO much better with the exercise, and he probably needs some time to see that it's a longterm change and not just another shortlived fix. Having said all of this, I do wonder when we get back on track, what will that mean... sex once a week? what if that's him in his ideal situation... and what if I would like it everday. He has made it very clear that he will not have sex just because I want it, he needs that emotional connection, so there won't be any compromises there, it will all be about getting his sexdrive as high as it can get once all issues are resolved, I'm just so scared that it won't be enough. Is that too much of a sacrifice to make for me? On the other hand I love him so very much and he provides me with great friendship, love, security, lifestyle, he's a wonderful Dad, he's funny and very intelligent, I love being with someone that I admire and respect, his attitude towards life is very positive and I just really want us to work it out.
I am in also in your situation. My DH has had to take on another job on top of his full-time job. I work 32 hrs as well. Before the recession he had a great job 40 a week and out . We were making love like every day, trying new things going to hotels, buying toys....you get the pic. I feel real bad for him. He is such a dedicated man, working so hard for the family and providing best he can. I respect him so much
With him working so much he hardly has time to sleep, let alone make love. It kills me. He doesn't like it either. He hates being in this kind of financial situation. Now we only have sex once every two weeks..I know it is related to stress and lack of sleep...I feel helpless and I know he does too.j
I just pray our situation can change and things can go back to normal. I to have a lot of lustful thoughts about other men. I am a petite blonde with big breasts and of course get all the wrong attention from men...I am lonely a lot of nights for my husband...
Re: Can a marriage survive sexual incompatibility 
