What would you do in this situation? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
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What would you do in this situation?

I've posted my own threads a couple of times and I feel like the regulars on here have an idea what I'm like. I'm a romantic and view sex as a sacred act between two people who are completely dedicated to each other for life. That's my take on it and I don't expect anyone else to feel as passionately as I do about it. If they do, then that's fantastic. That being said, here's my dilemma...

In looking through my wife's conversation history with her sister-in-law, I learned that in September of last year she, her sister in law, her husband went to the house of some long time friends, let's call them Jim and Candy. They drank and everyone got pretty sloshed from what I understand. During the course of this evening, Jim propositioned my wife, asking her to do a threesome with him and his wife. My wife said she was really drunk when he asked and her response to him was "I'll have to ask my husband first". She and her sister in law swear that my wife did nothing that night and has never been unfaithful to me. My wife considers Jim and Candy "swingers" and has said they have had a threesome before (at least one that she knows of) with a woman they met while on vacation.

So my wife didn't tell me about this incident. I found out by reading her text messages with her sister-in-law, as far back as 2015. In those texts she told her sister in law that she felt guilty about what had happened that night and said she had a "deep unrealized attraction" for Jim. When I asked her why she didn't tell me of his proposition she said it's because she knew I would go crazy and either send him a message or try to pick a fight with him. And she's right. She told me she was sorry that the whole situation happened and said her response was very disrespectful of our marriage. She also said we would never go out with Jim and Candy again and that she would remove Jim from her Facebook page. And she did remove him - I watched her do it and I've been keeping track ever since to make sure he's not in her friends list.

Now here's my problem. I am so tempted to message this guy in Facebook. I've drafted a message and this is what I would say to him:

"Hey Jim. Not sure if you remember me but it's <my name>, <my wife's name>'s husband. It came to my attention that last year in September you propositioned my wife to take part in a threesome with your wife. I don't know who the hell you think you are but that was not cool. What you did was an act of utter selfishness. That you would risk breaking up a happy marriage speaks volumes of your character and kind of man you really are. That being said, don't contact my wife any further. If you do, I'll kick your ass."

What would you do? When my wife and I talked about this she said the situation was handled, she was sorry and that it would never happen again. She asked me to drop the whole situation going forward. But I'm having a hard time doing that. Part of me wants to message Jim and ask him if sex did happen or even kissing. I also asked my wife's brother, who has known all along about this situation, what he would do. He said that my wife handled it and that he would probably leave it alone.

Right now, things are going very well in our marriage. We had a fantastic Valentines day together and have had awesome sex many times since we talked about this whole situation. Still, I'm wanting to message Jim, but I'm worried it will cause problems in the marriage by re-opening the situation. If I message Jim, he will likely send a message to my wife either threatening me or asking her how he should respond to me. And if he does that, my wife will know I sent him a message. What would you do?

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post #2 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

NO NO NO NO. DO NOT message Jim. Just - don't.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #3 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

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NO NO NO NO. DO NOT message Jim. Just - don't.
Just curious, but why not?
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post #4 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

If you have suspicions that your wife cheated that's another issue. Do you?

I just read the first posts of the the three threads you've started and I gotta say, you sound like you are kind of obsessed with your wife and what she does in chat rooms and on facebook, and you have suspicions. Do any of your suspicions have any basis in fact, or are you just one of these paranoid freakazoid husbands??

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #5 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

First things first.Are you capable of kicking Jims ass,because if you are unsure just say nothing.But on the other hand......
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post #6 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

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Originally Posted by CanadaDry View Post
Just curious, but why not?
Because it is a BAD BAD BAD idea. Your wife doesn't want you to, it's MONTHS ago, it won't accomplish anything, and you're coming across as a bit of a freak.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #7 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

What if Jim comes back and says your wife did sleep with them? How will you ever know if it's the truth or if he's just being a d*ck to mess with you?

I wouldn't open this particular can of worms.

There's also a good chance that if they were really that drunk he won't even remember it happening.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #8 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

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Because it is a BAD BAD BAD idea. Your wife doesn't want you to, it's MONTHS ago, it won't accomplish anything, and you're coming across as a bit of a freak.
But it would be funny to humiliate this would be player.I don't like guys like that who proposition drunk women without caring about her relationship.I would ask him in front of as many people as possible if his bravery only extends to seducing drunk women or can he back it up.
I wouldn't hurt him,I have twenty two years of practicing martial arts behind me but I might make him cry.
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post #9 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

Seems you are channeling all your doubts, insecurity, anger with Jim and not your wife. If you believe her or things are fine obviously you are ok with it on her side. Why are you wanting to stir up Jim for? Deal with your marriage in house.
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post #10 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

Canada please listen to hope, your wife did as you requested, she removed from facebook, you no longer engage with them. you have enough to work....on your self and on strengthening your marriage...work on being man she fell in love with....no other man will hold up against that. Do not look for problems to manifest. work on your communication between you too...and STOP SMOKING unless you want to die young and leave a beautiful widow to be picked up by Jim and Candy...then they win and you lose.

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post #11 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

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Because it is a BAD BAD BAD idea. Your wife doesn't want you to, it's MONTHS ago, it won't accomplish anything, and you're coming across as a bit of a freak.
By freak, if you mean I'm a dedicated husband who is 100% loyal and expects the same of my wife, then I guess I am a freak. I love my wife with every fiber of my being and just want to be loved the same in return.

I'm not jealous of her spending her time with friends and family. I don't get jealous when she goes out for a night with the girls.

The situation that set off my paranoia about her happened New Years Eve. My wife, myself, her sister in law and her husband all went out drinking and dancing. We used Uber to get a van that would take us to our desired destinations. And guess what - Jim and Candy joined us all. After a night of drinking and dancing we returned to our hotel (we rented rooms for the night so we wouldn't have to drive back). We all went back to Jim and Candy's hotel room. Well, sis in law and her husband ended up leaving pretty quickly and didn't return. My wife laid down on the same bed that Jim and Candy were laying on and I was pretending to be passed out on the second bed in the room, but listening to them talk. My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one. Jim and Candy talked about the threesome they had with the woman while they were on vacation. At that point I got up and told the wife we were going back to our own hotel room. That whole incident made me paranoid. I never cared for Jim or Candy after that and keep in mind this was before I knew about Jim's proposition to my wife. Now I pretty much hate them.
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post #12 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

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...and STOP SMOKING unless you want to die young and leave a beautiful widow to be picked up by Jim and Candy...then they win and you lose.
I'm on my 10th smoke-free day. I've had no cigars of any kind. Only nicotine gum.
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post #13 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

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What would you do?
Nothing.

First of all, just because people get married doesn't mean that ALL married people practice monogamy. Some are monogamous. Some are poly...some are bi...some are 'swingers' and some men get off on watching their wives get screwed by other men, while some women have several different spouses in different states, etc.

Certainly, you know that. Whether or not married people "should" be monogamous is irrelevant.

It's already handled. Do nothing more except to love your wife and keep up the good work with the non-smoking campaign!
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post #14 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

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My wife talked about what kind of lesbian she would be if she was going to be one.
If your wife is laying down on a bed with other adults known to have an alternative lifestyle, regaling them about what kind of lesbian she'd be if she was going to be a lesbian, then you can hardly fault them for approaching her about a threesome. It sounds as though she's purposely putting out a vibe to these two that she'd like to do some experimenting.
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post #15 of 56 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation?

I agree with the others. Don't do it.

"If you do, I'll kick your ass." <- that's a threat. He could get a restraining order against you for that. If you did kick his ass, he could prove that it was premeditated. Not good for you.

Any communication with him will simply increase drama. He's and his wife will most likely laugh at such a message. Do you really think that someone who would proposition your wife cares what you think?

This guy and is wife are toxic. They (not he alone) propositioned your wife. She said no. You have both ended all contact with them. That's it, it's done with.
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