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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:39 PM Thread Starter
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Taking responsibility

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 8 months now, but we get into arguments every month. She always says I'm the one to blame for the arguments and maybe I am but she believes she hasn't done anything wrong to cause any of our issues.

However, she's told me that she still loves me but I don't accept responsibility for my actions and that I need to show her that I do. I honestly don't understand what she means. I thought I was taking responsibility for our disagreements by not repeating them and told her the issues were my fault but that doesn't appear to be what she's talking about.

I'm not sure I'm making this clear enough.

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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: Taking responsibility

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Originally Posted by bmichael View Post
I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 8 months now, but we get into arguments every month. She always says I'm the one to blame for the arguments and maybe I am but she believes she hasn't done anything wrong to cause any of our issues.

However, she's told me that she still loves me but I don't accept responsibility for my actions and that I need to show her that I do. I honestly don't understand what she means. I thought I was taking responsibility for our disagreements by not repeating them and told her the issues were my fault but that doesn't appear to be what she's talking about.

I'm not sure I'm making this clear enough.
I don't know your age, but when you take responsibility for your actions, it means to SHOW her that you've changed for better and that you won't / haven't repeated the same mistakes all over again.

Simply telling her you've taken responsibility ....says nothings. Actions speak louder than words and if she realizes you still haven't changed...it means you're talking in vain.

Showing is not the same as telling. English is not my mother tongue but unless you're under 18 and if English is your first language, then I wonder why you don't understand the core of the problem.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Taking responsibility

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I don't know your age, but when you take responsibility for your actions, it means to SHOW her that you've changed for better and that you won't / haven't repeated the same mistakes all over again.

Simply telling her you've taken responsibility ....says nothings. Actions speak louder than words and if she realizes you still haven't changed...it means you're talking in vain.

Showing is not the same as telling. English is not my mother tongue but unless you're under 18 and if English is your first language, then I wonder why you don't understand the core of the problem.
I guess that's where the confusion comes in because I haven't repeated the same mistakes again.
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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: Taking responsibility

Then if you claim to have changed, flat out ask her what she thinks is wrong with you.
Communicate to her and speak your minds.

Both of you might have communication problems.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:17 PM
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Re: Taking responsibility

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I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 8 months now, but we get into arguments every month. She always says I'm the one to blame for the arguments and maybe I am but she believes she hasn't done anything wrong to cause any of our issues.

However, she's told me that she still loves me but I don't accept responsibility for my actions and that I need to show her that I do. I honestly don't understand what she means. I thought I was taking responsibility for our disagreements by not repeating them and told her the issues were my fault but that doesn't appear to be what she's talking about.

I'm not sure I'm making this clear enough.
Does she tell you what actions you took to cause the argument?

Not repeating disagreements is not a basis for a good relationship. I missed all the red flags at the start of my marriage. Whenever she was pi***d off with me and I'd ask what I had done I got the reply that "if you don't know then that's the problem", or "if you don't know then there's no point in me telling you". Funnily enough these always seemed to come out of a blue sky and catch me off guard. These were her mood swings and it wasn't me that wouldn't own up to being the problem. My XW moods often came out of nowhere, but PMT was a big issue. You said these were every month. Are they around the same time of the month. As a man I can only sympathize with women who get PMT, some get it really bad, but if that is a cause then blaming you for it is not the answer.

Don't apologize for being wrong unless YOU believe that you did something wrong, and if you do then make that apology sincere. When you apologize and take responsibility for something you haven't done you are just enabling the issue.

You really need to find out what actions you have done. If she can't tell you then it's not you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
I don't know your age, but when you take responsibility for your actions, it means to SHOW her that you've changed for better and that you won't / haven't repeated the same mistakes all over again.

Simply telling her you've taken responsibility ....says nothings. Actions speak louder than words and if she realizes you still haven't changed...it means you're talking in vain.

Showing is not the same as telling. English is not my mother tongue but unless you're under 18 and if English is your first language, then I wonder why you don't understand the core of the problem.
If she hasn't clearly told him what the issue is then there is very little chance of him changing and the core of the problem may probably not be him.

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I guess that's where the confusion comes in because I haven't repeated the same mistakes again.
If you haven't repeated the same mistakes but she is coming up with new issues then this has everything to do with control of the relationship. When you truly love someone you don't spend your time trying to find fault with them, you've only been together 8 months. If there are things about your personality that she doesn't like then it means she needs to move on and find the person she wants to be with and not try and change you into that someone.

After reading your description and having gone through the years I did of always being the cause of whatever bothered her yet not being told what it was if I were in your shoes Usain Bolt would be hard pushed to catch me.

You need to shelve any marriage plans until this issue is sorted out because it won't get any better once you are legally committed to each other.
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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:22 PM
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Re: Taking responsibility

I agree ^ totally.
You sound like you ARE showing her that you are taking responsibility for mistakes by not repeating them. That's all anyone can ask. If she is looking for one type of man but you are another then the fault is with her not you. If you love someone, you have fallen in love with THEM not who you WANT them to be.
I would say she may have control issues and is not the right woman for you, perhaps she is too high maintenance.
Good luck

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For those that think the idea of marriage is all about hugs, kisses and being tied down forever after it is way more than that, and marriage can actually be most important when you find yourself in one of life's ugliest moments.-BadSanta
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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:28 PM
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Re: Taking responsibility

Taking responsibility for your actions means that you say, "No, I misunderstood you. I was the one that flew off the handle." Or, "No, I did not pick up the pasta you asked for. That is my mistake, sorry. Could I fix something for us or make a run for pizza instead." Or, "When I was with the guys on Friday we decided to go to a strip club. I realize I should have opted out and now I wish I would have. I did want you to know." Or telling your family, "My wife did not say those things. I was forthcoming with information. I was the one that was not being truthful."
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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:37 PM
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Re: Taking responsibility

8 Months is nothing in the vetting phase... time is your friend here as so many things change, and change often as you learn and relearn the other person.

I say relearn because often that person is shifting right alongside with you, establishing boundaries and getting a feel for the attraction that took... a lot of affirmation going on here between you both and now is where you find the balance of acceptance and expectation.

Here's the trick... believing there isn't one, because there isn't.

Nothing in a relationship is "paint by numbers".

What it is, is the understanding that our lives are conditioned by our actions, or more-so the quality of our actions.

What we think and feel, how we act and react, is driven by our own sense of accountability. Those who call another out on such tend to be paying less attention to self and more on others... completely backwards.

If she is right about your accountability, ask her directly how you could make it better and listen to her suggestions but remember they are only that, application on them is totally you and if it doesn't feel right, perhaps it isn't. What that may tell you is this person could possibly not be your best fit in life and if it doesn't align, it doesn't align... nothing wrong in that either.

But if she is really right, and your heart and mind tell you that "yep, this is causing pain to myself and others", listen to it... that is pride removed and you are beginning to touch that mindfulness that moves and binds us with others.

The importance is that you begin to recognize it... then apply it.

Without clarity, control is a misused tool... so be clear.

If difficulty comes, and you feel you have done your best, share with her "I am sorry you feel that way", mean it with all you are, and then let it go.

If it stirs deeper, let her know you are doing your best, acknowledge that you hear her concern by paraphrasing it back in your own words and choose not to argue about it.

Pay attention to your actions and your reactions, thus paying attention to the dance of intentions and motivations in how arguments come... don't get codependent with it or downward spirals come and in the end your frustrations will take over your ability to understand what just happened.

Lots going on... think about it and ask questions should you need to.
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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:21 PM
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That phrase sets my teeth on edge now after a very bad experience I had.

I had a relationship with a man after my divorce who had numerous issues with his own self. Everything in his life was seen as a slight, something done wrong to him, he was a perpetual victim. Instead of facing the fact that he had self esteem issues and perception/reaction issues, he tried to blame his (hyper sensitive) reactions on me. Everytime an "episode" happened, he demanded that I "take responsibility" for his feelings and reactions. If I was the big bad wolf doing wrong, who needed to take responsibility for all of these wrongs, he didn't have to deal with the fact that his reactions should have been owned by him, and that they were not normal or reasonable at all.

Be careful here that you don't have this sort of thing going on here. If so, get out!!!
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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Taking responsibility

Well, honestly, some of the actions that she claims I need to take responsibility for do not even really effect her. For example, one example she used when I asked her to explain what she meant is in regards to my son. She said I was responsible because he's getting bad grades at school and I don't own up to it.

Another example... I was supposed to get a Christmas bonus at my job that we had planned to use the money towards a long overdue vacation. I spoke with my manager the Monday before Christmas and asked him about bonuses. At the time, I left the conversation believing that I was going to get my bonus that Friday since he said "bonuses would be paid out on Friday". Come Friday, I didn't get a bonus in my paycheck. When I asked my manager about it, he said that my performance didn't merit a bonus. When I told my girlfriend I wasn't getting a bonus and told her about the conversation on Monday and didn't understand why he indicated I was getting one but then I didn't, she said I should have known my performance wouldn't warrant a bonus and my saying that I didn't know why I didn't get one was me not taking responsibility.

The last argument we got in to occurred about a month ago. We drove out of town to the beach and we had a good time for the first day. On the second day, while she was getting ready for us to go out to dinner, she was acting differently. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I was boring her because I wasn't engaging in conversation with her as she was getting ready, and that she was thinking about telling me to go home. I got angry and told her that I was leaving then and I did in fact head home.

This is my first relationship since I was divorced in 2014 after being married for 18 years. I guess I just don't know what I'm doing, if the issue is with me, if she's just being controlling, or what the heck is going on.


Last edited by bmichael; 02-16-2017 at 10:12 PM.
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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:53 PM
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Re: Taking responsibility

Well, while age is timeless in many ways it can be a factor... how old are the two of you?

That your manager was not upfront about your bonus is what I say is the difference between management and leadership... you manage things, you lead people.

You deserved better from those in charge.

As for your son... expectations combined with love and acceptance is a balancing act we all need but understand not all of us get to be astronauts, grade are but a small window to what moves us to greatness, calm will always see that.

If she is that hungry for attention during dressing for dinner and she seriously thinks sending you away to punish you is healthy, her focus is lost.

Judgement done, that your partner expressed disappointment in you, instead of with you, shares an insight to your future.

These things hurt you... it times like this one needs to see that a step back may not be as hurtful.
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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Taking responsibility

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Well, while age is timeless in many ways it can be a factor... how old are the two of you?

That your manager was not upfront about your bonus is what I say is the difference between management and leadership... you manage things, you lead people.

You deserved better from those in charge.

As for your son... expectations combined with love and acceptance is a balancing act we all need but understand not all of us get to be astronauts, grade are but a small window to what moves us to greatness, calm will always see that.

If she is that hungry for attention during dressing for dinner and she seriously thinks sending you away to punish you is healthy, her focus is lost.

Judgement done, that your partner expressed disappointment in you, instead of with you, shares an insight to your future.

These things hurt you... it times like this one needs to see that a step back may not be as hurtful.
Well, she actually broke up with me over the bonus situation and we were not together through the holidays. We were only back together a few weeks before the incident with the beach trip. I'm not sure what we are right now.

I think my gut is telling me that I need to end this relationship, though I have feelings for her, but I just can't seem to do it.

She has a nasty habit of saying really hurtful things to me and honestly, hasn't done much to show that she cares about me besides make me dinner or occasion or send me messages, or tell me, how wonderful and great I am.
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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:05 AM
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Re: Taking responsibility

Love yourself more... this is not ego, it's more about preservation of your happiness.

Our destiny is not only how we treat others... but also how we allow others to treat us.
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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Taking responsibility

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Well, honestly, some of the actions that she claims I need to take responsibility for do not even really effect her. For example, one example she used when I asked her to explain what she meant is in regards to my son. She said I was responsible because he's getting bad grades at school and I don't own up to it.

Another example... I was supposed to get a Christmas bonus at my job that we had planned to use the money towards a long overdue vacation. I spoke with my manager the Monday before Christmas and asked him about bonuses. At the time, I left the conversation believing that I was going to get my bonus that Friday since he said "bonuses would be paid out on Friday". Come Friday, I didn't get a bonus in my paycheck. When I asked my manager about it, he said that my performance didn't merit a bonus. When I told my girlfriend I wasn't getting a bonus and told her about the conversation on Monday and didn't understand why he indicated I was getting one but then I didn't, she said I should have known my performance wouldn't warrant a bonus and my saying that I didn't know why I didn't get one was me not taking responsibility.

The last argument we got in to occurred about a month ago. We drove out of town to the beach and we had a good time for the first day. On the second day, while she was getting ready for us to go out to dinner, she was acting differently. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I was boring her because I wasn't engaging in conversation with her as she was getting ready, and that she was thinking about telling me to go home. I got angry and told her that I was leaving then and I did in fact head home.

This is my first relationship since I was divorced in 2014 after being married for 18 years. I guess I just don't know what I'm doing, if the issue is with me, if she's just being controlling, or what the heck is going on.
This does not sound good. She sounds a bit needy and perhaps blaming herself. I don't know how you were supposed to be responsible for your son's grades unless she feels you are not helping him enough with his homework. Being upset at you for not chatting while she is getting ready? Does not make sense. There's lots of other fish in the sea. I think when you left you should have not made contact.

My ex would not take responsibility for his actions but not like anything you mentioned. When I saw the history on the computer and confronted him about it he claimed it wasn't him but he is the only person that uses that computer. He then tells me this raunchy junk was in his news feed....like I am stupid and I let him know that was not possible....he then says to me, "You weren't paying any attention to me." Who would ignore who? Geesh, I spent a lifetime dealing with being ignored by this man if I did the slightest thing that upset him. This is an example of not taking accountability for one's actions. Instead of admitted to what I saw with my own eyes, he lied and then he tried to blame me for his actions. That is typical narcissistic behavior. They do not stand accountable yet they blame and try to pass off blame on other people.
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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: Taking responsibility

Taking the responsibility for everything may temporarily work but you are going to have to address the real problem of having her take responsibility for the things she does to create arguments (assuming that she has been the cause of some of the arguments). If she's going to continue never taking responsibility, you should really think about where your relationship is headed and if you really want to be with a person who just going to blame everything on you. She's going to have to grow up before she'll be ready for a deep relationship.

How can your not getting a bonus when you were told you were getting one be all your fault? And why she got upset at you not making conversation while she was getting ready to go out for dinner...that's just ridiculous. I would be careful with this one, she's giving you warning signs of why she's not going to be a good GF for you.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"

Last edited by jb02157; 02-17-2017 at 09:23 AM.
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