General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Let me start by saying Hello to all. This is my first post. Although I’m a new member, I’ve been lurking round here for quite a while. Like so many others, I wish I would have found this years ago. . About me: I am Male, 39, divorced (married 6 years/I left her) and in a new relationship that is getting pretty serious. Looking back, I don’t think I did enough to save my marriage, but it’s too late for that now. We both get along and I am a lot happier for the most part. Although I’m not married now, my "new" gf have been together over a year and we are in “the talks” about it, but no date has been set yet. I’m sorry this is so long, but I wanted to be as detailed as possible before asking for advice. That being said let me get to my dilemma…
My “new” gf and I have a great relationship. It’s not 100% transparent, but we are fairly open with each other. She has guyfriends and I have galfriends that we sometimes communicate with, but nothing out of line. She is fairly literate when it comes to pc’s, but not so much when it comes to her new Macbook. I work in the technology field. She recently had me update her Macbook to the new Lion OS and clean it up, but in the process I found a picture she had emailed about a month ago to a guyfriend that she told me she never dated or fooled around with. It was of her breasts…
Now your first reaction is probably the same as mine, What the F… So I asked her about it and she claimed to not know what I was talking about. I then sent her a screenshot of the message. She replied “wtf is that” and I was honest and told her I found it in her sent items while cleaning up her laptop. She said that they were chatting on facebook (iphone), catching up on old times and she meant to send a picture of her dad & brother to show how big her brother has gotten since he saw him last. Then she said she was embarrassed and “no wonder he never responded”. Now, we agreed in the beginning that it was fine to chat with friends of the opposite sex, “IF” it was nothing out of line and “IF” we told each other when it happened.
I’m really having a hard time believing her on this although she has never flat out lied to me before (that I know of), because there have been some other times when she hasn’t told me about conversations with guyfriends. I would hear her tell her friends “hey, I talked to “insert guy’s name” the other day, etc… I would ask her about it and then she would tell me and has even showed me some of the conversations. They seem to be innocent “how have you been” conversations.
Maybe I’m too trusting, but in her defense, she came from a pretty controlling relationship and I think she doesn’t tell me sometimes because she’s used to being yelled at for talking with ANY guy. I’m not (wasn’t) a jealous person and don’t mind her catching up with old friends, but I think she feels she is avoiding an argument by not telling me because that’s what she’s used to.
Normally, this incident would have been the end for me, but there is a little piece of me that thinks, ok, it “could” have been an accident. I have sent text messages to the wrong person on accident, but it’s a little harder to email the wrong pic from an iPhone. BUT… I’ll tell you why I think there is a slight chance of it being an accident. She has been known to send me a “special pic” when I’m somewhere and she can’t be there. I really enjoy that and on the night in question, she DID send me one of “those pics”. Unfortunately, It was the same pic she sent him. There is a minimal chance the pic she “meant” to send him WAS the last pic in her phone UNTIL she took the one for me and when she went to send it to him, she just picked the last pic in her phone. BUT… she is offering me no other proof that it was an accident other than her word. That “should” be enough, but unfortunately now, I’m confused on how I feel and I think some of the trust I had in her is gone.
After finding the pic, I did look for more of the conversation, but the conversation was from the facebook app on her phone and she claims she deleted it while cleaning up her messages. He lives out of the country, but comes back regularly to visit and I got the “I’d call him right now, but it’s 4am where he is at. Also, a week has passed and she "could have" told him what to say if she did call in the future...
My question(s) is/are… do I just believe her, accept that there is no other proof it was an accident and get over it? Or do I inquire further? I don’t know this guy, but I have been considering sending him a message (nothing out of line) saying that I am in a relationship with her, we are talking marriage and having kids and I would like to inquire about the conversation prior to and after she sent the pic. I think his response could possibly re-assure me it was an accident, especially if he still has the actual conversation and It proves to be an accident, but now that the trust is broken, I feel he could just send me what she told him to tell me, or he will ask her why i'm messaging him and she will hate me because I told her I would drop it a couple days ago. BUT... It’s still eating at me... A tiny part of me is also worried that he will respond with an answer i don't want to hear such as; that's not the only pic she's sent him or something. I want to believe that she doesn't have any feelings or anything for this guy, but now I'm confused...
I have read on here that when things like this happen it’s not good to just accept it and drop it if it is still bothering you, but I also don’t want to drag it out and make her resent me for pushing the issue if it really was an accident. Also, without proof it was accidental, I unfortunately now think in the back of my mind that maybe she is now going to hide “guyfriend conversations” more because I inquired about this one. Even though we talked about it and she swears she will tell me from now on, the trust has been broken and I will always think she is up to something even though I hate feeling like that.
A side note... Things got better than normal with us after talking about it, and she has even been closer to me than before. But by me being confused now, I take the extra attention two ways...
1. It was an accident and she is sorry so she is being extra nice (the explanation I want). Or
2. She knows she screwed up by purposely sending it and now feels bad so she is being extra nice (not what I want)
I'm so confused... How can I get the trust i had in her back?? I don't want to resort to spying on her or checking her phone, email etc... but no matter what she does or says, in the back of my mind, she is now always up to "something"... Unfortunately, I think the only thing that will 100% put my mind at ease is if I see the actual conversation and it truly was an accident, but she deleted Should I ask him if he still has it? I would still have it as I generally don't erase messages for this exact reason. So I can go back to them if necessary.
Also, If it was on purpose, do I try to live with it and continue in the relationship if "she's sorry and it doesn't happen again" or cut it off before I get hurt more?...
I would really like male and female responses just to get an idea of how each sex thinks about the matter.
I think she would have known what pic she sent as you have to choose a pic to send and then confirm it. If she was in a controlling relationship before she met you and couldnt talk to guys then shouldnt she by now believe the fact that you are not like her x as she is talking to guys without you minding about it.
SadSamIAm: I do agree with you and I thought the same thing. I would have made that exact same comment. The problem is, she has never given me a reason to think she is unhappy or would look elsewhere. No "red flags" at all. She is extremely excited about the thought of us getting married and having kids and brings it up all the time.
s.k: I brought that up to her, BUT... that's why I said a "minimal" chance of it being an accident. There have been times when I look in my iPhone's camera roll and it shows the wrong pic for the last one I took and it takes a min or so to change or i have to exit out and come back and the pic's are normal. Not often, but I have seen it on my own phone... Or... maybe i'm just naive and don't want to believe it was on purpose.
s.k: I brought that up to her, BUT... that's why I said a "minimal" chance of it being an accident. There have been times when I look in my iPhone's camera roll and it shows the wrong pic for the last one I took and it takes a min or so to change or i have to exit out and come back and the pic's are normal. Not often, but I have seen it on my own phone... Or... maybe i'm just naive and don't want to believe it was on purpose.
If your not totally sure then give her the benefit of the doubt. Of course from an out siders point of view we all have our own thoughts and opinions. If you think you can still be together then go for it just be a bit wary in the future good luck.
s.k: thanx for your input. I do want us to work and I am possibly willing to forgive... once... I just don't want to be the fool...
The hardest part obviously is the not knowing for sure. Does anyone think I should contact him, in an adult fashion of course, to see if he still has the conversation or just to get his side? Or would that be just asking for more trouble?
SadSamIAm: I do agree with you and I thought the same thing. I would have made that exact same comment. The problem is, she has never given me a reason to think she is unhappy or would look elsewhere. No "red flags" at all. She is extremely excited about the thought of us getting married and having kids and brings it up all the time.
You say no 'red flags' but this email is a red flag. She may be happy, but she is still flirting with other guys.
Women get excited about getting married and having kids. Doesn't mean they are ready for it.
My guess is you haven't seen many red flags, because you haven't been looking for them.
SadSamIAm: She ocassionally sends them to me when we are apart, along with little love notes (texts etc..) Kind of a "I miss you and here's what's waiting for you when you get home". I have always enjoyed that since she is the first one to do that for me.
get this program and run it on the computer that she syncs her phone with if you can (she isnt your wife so this may be difficult unless you live together and share a computer)
First off you said the pic was attached to an e-mail sent from an iPhone.
What was the content of the actual message?
If it was a discussion about her brothers size that accompanied the pic then it`s obviously an accident.
If it was sexual in nature it was obviously intentional.
Why haven`t you seen the content of the message?
If there was no content but just an attached pic check out what else she`s sent to this guy.
If their conversation has been innocent then I think it was an accident.
Quote:
A side note... Things got better than normal with us after talking about it, and she has even been closer to me than before. But by me being confused now, I take the extra attention two ways...
1. It was an accident and she is sorry so she is being extra nice (the explanation I want). Or
2. She knows she screwed up by purposely sending it and now feels bad so she is being extra nice (not what I want)
There is a third possibility.
She`s guilty and is trying to use intimacy to get you to forget about it.
My wife is a master manipulator in this way.
When something has me pissed she turns up the sex, desire, attraction to obscene levels to make me as content as possible until I decide to just forget about it.
It doesn`t work because I know what she`s doing but it`s been her MO for decades and she can`t help herself.
If her previous boyfriend was as controlling as you say it may be a weapon in her arsenal she`s used to using in such moments.
Or... maybe i'm just naive and don't want to believe it was on purpose.
Ding! Ding!! Ding!!! we have a winner.
I have an iPhone and it is next to impossible to send a picture without knowing what you sent. Even if she did somehow send it by accident she would have noticed it immediately. Additionally, there is zero chance that the OM would not have said something to her about it. Thus for her to claim that she never knew before you told her is a lie pure and simple.
If you want to stay with her after this, that is your call. But do not stay with her based on buying into her lie. She knows that she is lying and she knows that in your heart you know that she is lying and she is testing you to see if you will let her get away with it. If you do let her get away with it, you being played for the fool and are giving her the green light to do this again.
Man up. She needs to admit to this and show remorse or you need to move on.
Naughty pic sent. Accident or not? 
Ding! Ding!! Ding!!! we have a winner.
