General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Was never really an issue for us. We went together a few times - with my (STBX)W getting the only lap dance while I got to watch! I just kind of figured that me getting a dance would have only led to trouble...
Putting it more into context..I guess i'm asking while your SO, or, Spouse is out (With out you..not going together), are VIP Dances/ & Private dances something that overall considered an "Ok" thing to do in a relationship.
I personally feel like it's not acceptable. I guess I'm looking for other's input. It seems to be a long standing converserial topic when brought up with my girlfriends, and older relatives. I'm trying to form my own judgement, and see if my thoughts are irrational thoughts or not.
I guess I'm trying to understand? Understand my guys outlook..
I'm 39 - near the end of a 17 year marriage. I've had a small handful of VIP dances in my life. Some were "nice" and fairly innocent. Others - there was a lot more contact. Depends on the club and the dancer.
If YOU are uncomfortable with the idea of another woman possibly rubbing her rear end on your H's lap - then that's something he should be able to respect and understand.
And also, I agree, it is what matters to ME. We have a great relationship, and we both trust each other, endlessly. As a matter of fact..this stems from him and the guys planning on outting for his much younger (Virgin) co-worker who will be leaving for the marines in the up and coming months. I simply asked if he thought VIP/Private dances are an ok thing to do..he said yes, asked what I thought I said no..and his instant reply was very nicely and matter factly put "Ok honey, well out of respect for you, I wouldn't get one."
I guess the again, I wanted to further form my opinion to see if I'm being irrational, or not, and also to see if anyone else is thinking on the same thought path as I.
I guess I was also looking to hear other's idea of what the feel like the purpose, or intent, or a VIP dance is.
As it may come accross, I'm very innocent and pure. I've been to one strip club, don't care to go back..but would on a special occasion with the hubby to have fun. I've had one other relationship- Long term, but not in any means what a relationship should have been (Went one way). I feel there are a lot of areas I lack in on experience because of only having had two relationships.
You're in a bliss, you're in love, and you want to know the world to know. Yeah yeah I get ya...
Even in good times with my wife though I do not qualify for this section of the forum. "10+ years success in MARRIAGE". Please, one thread at a time, and note the sections.
And also, I agree, it is what matters to ME. We have a great relationship,
if all of this is true, you should express it to your fiance and he should then decline to go out of his respect for you and the relationship. that should be the most important thing to him.
if its not then where do you think things will go in the future from his disrespect and uncaring of your feelings?
And also, I agree, it is what matters to ME. We have a great relationship, and we both trust each other, endlessly. As a matter of fact..this stems from him and the guys planning on outting for his much younger (Virgin) co-worker who will be leaving for the marines in the up and coming months. I simply asked if he thought VIP/Private dances are an ok thing to do..he said yes, asked what I thought I said no..and his instant reply was very nicely and matter factly put "Ok honey, well out of respect for you, I wouldn't get one."
I guess the again, I wanted to further form my opinion to see if I'm being irrational, or not, and also to see if anyone else is thinking on the same thought path as I.
I guess I was also looking to hear other's idea of what the feel like the purpose, or intent, or a VIP dance is.
As it may come accross, I'm very innocent and pure. I've been to one strip club, don't care to go back..but would on a special occasion with the hubby to have fun. I've had one other relationship- Long term, but not in any means what a relationship should have been (Went one way). I feel there are a lot of areas I lack in on experience because of only having had two relationships.
Thanks for the input guys!
He can spend a few bucks buying his buddy a lap dance or two!
I'm 39 - near the end of a 17 year marriage. I've had a small handful of VIP dances in my life. Some were "nice" and fairly innocent. Others - there was a lot more contact. Depends on the club and the dancer.
If YOU are uncomfortable with the idea of another woman possibly rubbing her rear end on your H's lap - then that's something he should be able to respect and understand.
So I am wondering: Do you think you were faithful throughout your marriage then?
I am just thinking: If men generally think high contact lap dances aren't cheating as long as they don't tell their wives, then maybe a lot more faithful men are cheating than women think.
So I am wondering: Do you think you were faithful throughout your marriage then?
I am just thinking: If men generally think high contact lap dances aren't cheating as long as they don't tell their wives, then maybe a lot more faithful men are cheating than women think.
Any input would be appreciated on this.
I'm trying to remember how many of these took place when I was married. There are a few I recall getting at a couple of bachelor parties before I was married - and then one while we were "separated but working on things."
The last one - during our separation - I didn't think much about it at the time. Certainly didn't think I was being unfaithful. But of course I kept it a secret.
After reading how many of the women on this site feel, I would say that it was a mistake.
Was it "cheating?" I'm not sure. Maybe. I truly think that would have been up to my Ex to decide.
Again - to me it's like so many other issues in marriage. You need to be open about things and communicate with each other.
It would be acceptable for me and "highly unlikely" for her If she managed to find herself in a strip club without me I'd be thrilled though.
@AllThePrettyHorses
I think you probably ought to remember that YOUR concept of "cheating" is just that... yours. What constitutes "cheating" in any given relationship is up to the participants. In my opinion, your question/statement would've read better like this:
I wonder if men and women perceive this business of "high contact lap dances" differently regards marital fidelity. If so, then maybe there are couples out there where the male thinks he has been faithful and the female, if she knew all the facts, would not agree.
Even then, we have not determined that it was cheating. What we have determined is that there is a disagreement in interpretation between the husband and wife.
I wonder if men and women perceive this business of "high contact lap dances" differently regards marital fidelity. If so, then maybe there are couples out there where the male thinks he has been faithful and the female, if she knew all the facts, would not agree.
Even then, we have not determined that it was cheating. What we have determined is that there is a disagreement in interpretation between the husband and wife.
Considering they wouldn't tell their wives, I doubt that there's really a disagreement.
It's just something that the boy's club keeps secret.
I consider keeping secrets and doing things you would not want your wife to know cheating. I dare say a lot of people do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy
Certainly didn't think I was being unfaithful. But of course I kept it a secret.
Why would anyone need to keep a secret if they didn't on some level know they crossed a line?
So how much of that scenario is actually around?
I had skipped over the "... so long as they don't tell their wives" part. Yeah, that's pretty damning. Even if some couple doesn't think of it as cheating because it's not "actual sex", it's still some sort of lying and deception.
adding in because it's pertinent to the above post
In my case, I wasn't thinking of keeping a secret. I genuinely did something which Carol considered out of bounds and I did not. Because I didn't make anything of it I didn't get permission or any other such thing. Happily, as a routine course of conversation I talked about it and so the problem surfaced and was easily dealt with. But there was no active effort to "not tell". There was just a genuine oops. That's different than what nice777guy is talking about.
... and recalling now to a previous marriage (man, this post really has me thinking for some reason because I seldom do that), even when I did go to a strip club when my wife did not want me to, I did not keep it a secret. It was very forthright. She felt I should not go. I disagreed. It's an interesting question whether that's cheating or not. I was (and am) satisfied per my own sense of ethics and integrity. Had I done it secretly, however, that would not have been true. I guess I find secrecy unappealing. It flies in the face of integrity.
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VIP Dance/Private Dances 
