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Old 12-21-2011, 06:06 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

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For some reason people tend to expect all women to be good house keepers. Many are not. They never learn or just do not have the skills... or are ADD and cannot organize to save their lives.
Exactly! That what i mean.
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Old 12-21-2011, 06:43 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Caring for a toddler is exhausting. My middle child never napped. I also had my two children 21 months apart. Best decision we ever made. My two youngest are the best of friends. Those days the toys were all over the house. Now they are only interested in drawing, music electronics, and board games. My girls are 8, 10, and 17. I'm now disabled from breaking my neck 4 years ago. I clean what I can, but very limited what I get done in the day. I like a clean house too, but we can't afford a cleaning lady.

Maybe you can help her out when you get home. My husband does. He helps with the dinner dishes and helps with the kids. Your child is so young yet, I remember running around after them, so they wouldn't get hurt or get into something that was trouble.
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Old 12-21-2011, 06:47 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

She's looking for your attention and acknowledgement that taking care of a baby is hard.
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Old 12-21-2011, 07:50 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

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For some reason people tend to expect all women to be good house keepers. Many are not. They never learn or just do not have the skills... or are ADD and cannot organize to save their lives.
But is this really the expectation of the OP? Is it really that hard to put dishes in the dishwasher rather than stack them in the sink? I have three kids, and have taken care of them for the weekend when my wife went away. It is not an easy job, but so what? Most jobs aren't. I don't think some basic housework that any adult should be able to handle (dishes, putting food away, some laundry) is too much to ask to at least keep things under control.

My wife, a SAHM, admits that she is not the greatest house keeper. But she understands that is part of the job she took on. The hosue is under control. There are messes, but we both understand that those are best dealt with when the kids are in bed. But there is effort in taking care of our home and our family. I suspect a big issue here is the perception that she is taking care of "us" as in "mommy and baby" rather than "us" as in "the family."
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Old 12-21-2011, 08:10 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Some people are not organizers, they do not actually even KNOW how to keep a house clean or tidy. You say she wasn't tidy before the baby, so I suspect maybe she is overwhelmed, at her own level.

Someone who knows how to do things in an order or clean up immediately after eating wouldn't have a tornado going on.

Any chance you can find a personal "service" agency that can come in and show her how to do all of this? It's very possible and reasonable to expect a cleaner environment. And with a child almost two running around, it's kinda necessary to not have dirty dishes or tripping hazards around. Even try google. Practical tips for how to keep the house tidy, how to clean, get her a schedule of sorts. Laundry on a certain day when baby is asleep, or when baby goes to bed, etc.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:57 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Was she a slob before the baby came? Some people are not the best housekeepers, period,

I understand you wanting the house somewhat clean when you come in. I wouldn't have your expectations to high though. I would imagine having a toddler is very tiring. I imagine she is burnt out, even if the child takes naps etc, she probably feels like when the child is napping, she wants time for herself some, not spending it cleaning just to have the child wake up and tend to her/him again as well.Perhaps she needs some help. And probably looking for a supportive understanding spouse as well.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:08 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

This is what is sounds like to me. She might be overwhelmed from the baby period. Some people can't find balance or do not know how to balance work, chores and keeping up with the kids.

Some people can only do one thing at a time. I also think its possible she might have some depression going on as well. Maybe she feels she has lost her identity, and only sees herself as a mother. Is she resting any at night? Is she the only one that gets up with the baby at night if the baby wakes up etc? If she is overly tired from the baby then I can't say I would blame her for not wanting or feeling like doing much housework either.

I think she needs some love and support. She probably feels shes just there to take care of the baby. Get someone to watch the baby for a while and take her out on a nice date.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:19 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

I think... you can't "fix" slobs.

Some women are overwhelmed with their own children. You can't fix them either. Go figure. I don't think there is ANYTHING you can do about it, except b*tch at her every day, maybe she will do it just to not hear you b*tch.

Last edited by SunnyT; 12-21-2011 at 11:20 AM. Reason: eta
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:31 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Not sure what to tell you other than maybe switch roles with her for about a week. Maybe it will shed some light on what shes truly feeling.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:40 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

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But is this really the expectation of the OP? Is it really that hard to put dishes in the dishwasher rather than stack them in the sink? I have three kids, and have taken care of them for the weekend when my wife went away. It is not an easy job, but so what? Most jobs aren't. I don't think some basic housework that any adult should be able to handle (dishes, putting food away, some laundry) is too much to ask to at least keep things under control.

My wife, a SAHM, admits that she is not the greatest house keeper. But she understands that is part of the job she took on. The hosue is under control. There are messes, but we both understand that those are best dealt with when the kids are in bed. But there is effort in taking care of our home and our family. I suspect a big issue here is the perception that she is taking care of "us" as in "mommy and baby" rather than "us" as in "the family."


My H and I both work full time and have 3 year old twins. Our house is not tidy, but it is clean. We don't worry much about the toys at all, other than kicking them out of a walkway - lol. BUT, dishes? I cannot stand roaches and in my mind and in my experience dirty dishes, food laying out, etc = roaches. And laundry? I do that on the weekends while H is keeping the kids busy. Other than that we both do our part to keep up with things.

I soooooooo want to be a SAHM!!!! But that's another story. As your 18 month old grows, spending time with them can be actually teaching them to clean up too. My twins come in the kitchen and "help" me put away dishes or put them in the dishwasher. They also "help" me make the beds. They "help" my H and me with a lot of stuff around the house. Can your wife incorporate house cleaning into spending time with the child as well? Sounds silly I guess, but my 3 year olds love it!
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:52 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

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Some people are not organizers, they do not actually even KNOW how to keep a house clean or tidy. You say she wasn't tidy before the baby, so I suspect maybe she is overwhelmed, at her own level.

Someone who knows how to do things in an order or clean up immediately after eating wouldn't have a tornado going on.
I hate to admit it, but I am a slob. Above would probably explain me to a capital T. I'm not sure it's that I don't know "how" to clean, Just can't get organized for the life of me. Even after I clean, it's all just clutter everywhere. (doesn't help to be married to a hoarder either).

But i was not a stay at home mom, but I don't think our house was any "cleaner"... when son was a toddler. Probably was worse. I usually also did the "cleaning binges"... and would clean for hours & hours & hours.. just to be exhausted.. and i remember thinking.. "I've got to do this all over again & get this exhuasted again, just to 'keep up' ". It would be so depressing. Still is, so poor hubby has had to put up with me for 22 yrs now.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:04 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Well apparently she sees you as being very critical of her, you did say she is a slob and say shes bad at it, so naturally that isn't going to make her feel anymore motivated to do anything.

My guess is, regardless of what may or may not be going on with her, shes looking for love and support not put downs. Its hard to say what may or may not be going on with her. She could just be lazy, she could be overwhelmed or have some kind of anxiety issues over certain things. Who knows for sure.

Sit down and have a heart to heart with her. You did say when you criticize her, she calls you a jerk, well there ya go, thats part of the problem right there, with how you are handling it.

Also weigh things things that are most important. I completely understand you wanting a house to be cleaned. However, you need to get to the real root of why that might be, then see if its a deal breaker for you.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:26 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

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If a person isn't organised and tidy before kids there is no way it's going to magically happen AFTER kids. She may not know HOW to organise her day and the house.
I find this to be very very true , generally unless one is truly motivated to overcome.

I DO feel very bad for husbands in this situation though, I really do..... I watched my Father in law live it for years, it was the biggest stumbling block their marriage ...eventually he just didn't want to be home anymore ......my Mother in Law used to complain to me about him, I had to shut my mouth (so did my husband) cause we agreed with him!! .... she never cleaned the house, she was a hoarder even , the house is as bad as the tv shows. He was embarrassed to have his own relatives come to visit . His sister offered to pay for a dumpster, she didn't talk to her again for a month.

I would be furious with myself if my husband came home to a mess every day. I consider these things "my part of the marriage" I would be apologizing if I couldn't live up to it .....I am so very THANKFUL I am able to stay home & raise our 6, a blessing considering the job he had when we married. This is the very least I can do, when he has to deal with bad roads, work in extreme heat & freezing temps in the winter, a nasty boss & irritating co-workers. And here I am playing on TAM inbetween my chores.

At one time we had 4 boys 6 yrs old and under. I dragged them to the store, nothing slowed me down, 2 was in diapers and I even used cloth- & hung them on the line.

Although none of our kids were ever colic, I do think that would be very very difficult. Also I wasn't the type to be sitting down with them reading a string of books and playing on the floor, in that respect, I was not as good of a MOM. BUt I got all my work done! They seemed to all be turning out wonderful inspite of my lack of personal attention as toddlers.


Is it possible your wife has become Depressed ? This would cause her to slow down like this or Post Partum going on ? What is her mothers house cleaning skills like?

Back to my Mother in Law, it seemed to run in the family, the signs were there before they married. Funny how he came from a immaculate household where you could literally eat off the floor and she came from a Junk Collecting family.

I let my kids know, I don't care if they have Grandmas genes, there will be no hoarding in our house, they will clean those darn rooms or they won't come out of them. These things need to be instilled in our kids as they grow up, that they have a responsibility to DO THEIR PART, this will only help them in life and in marriage. I don't allow my sons to be slackers either, I want them to cook for themselves & be independent, as their wives will likely work & they too will have thier load to carry in helping her manage a household.

It is so very very important to learn how to MANAGE TIME, and how to Multi-task, it is a skill that will afford us all so much more in life...time with our kids even, friends, our own husbands and wives.

And to do this stuff while you are at work, oh what a burden lifted from your shoulders and hers.

You even have a maid and a Nanny, this story just about kills me! All I can think is darn, imagine without them!! That is insane, most of us could never afford such things, and we do just fine. I am a bit critical in this area. Cause I am on myself.

This would be the same as a MAN getting on a newly married husband who couldn't pull himself away from the Video games to get to his job, or showing up late and getting in trouble with the boss, it would disrupt the whole marriage. The wife would be livid and for a good reason.

Whatever you do, don't have another kid -if she needs this much help with ONE !

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 12-21-2011 at 12:36 PM.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:52 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I would find the story more tragic if she ignored the kid and kept a perfect house. My sister once said: on your death bed, going over your life, which would be your more likely regret, "man I wish I spent more time with my babies when they were little" or "geez I kept a tidy house"? Just saying.
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:05 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles in life. If this is a absolute tragedy and something you can't tolerate then divorce her so you can live in a cleaner house.
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