General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok so since you have always known her to be like this, then perhaps its just time to accept her for who she is.
Agreed. It just has gone from kinda sloppy to awful since the baby was born (totally understandable) and I'm just trying to cope with this. I was hoping getting her the maid and nanny help would alleviate the issue. I think it helps a bit. I'm just hoping for gradual improvement on her side as well. But yeah, maybe I'll just try to do a better job of accepting it.
Do you think she would be ok with it if you asked her to return to work? Would she be up for that?
If you already have a nanny/housekeeper that comes in from time to time, maybe she feels like she doesn't need to do anything else but take care of the child?
Agreed. It just has gone from kinda sloppy to awful since the baby was born (totally understandable) and I'm just trying to cope with this. I was hoping getting her the maid and nanny help would alleviate the issue. I think it helps a bit. I'm just hoping for gradual improvement on her side as well. But yeah, maybe I'll just try to do a better job of accepting it.
Your wife might be able to learn some things that would make it better.
The Flylady teaches people who to clean the house and keep it that way.
My husband is unemployed... as been for some time. I work more than full time. Our children are in their 20's. We only have a 22 year old college student at home. Well then then there are the 3 giant dogs.. they are as much of a mess as little kids.
My husband is very good at picking up his clothing and stuff. He does his own laundry. But the the clothes stay in the dyer for days until I get him to take them out so I can do my laundery.
He as been doing nothing for a long time. So I finally told him that as the SAHH (Stay at home husband) he is responsible for housework ... all of it, cleaning, cooking etc. It's not getting done.
Well he is cooking dinner most nights and grocery shopping. IN the last three weeks he's finally getting keeping the kitchen clean.
I suggested the flylady site.. .he's been reading and learning. I see a low improvement.
I used the site a lot when my kids were younger.. .it really helped.
If she was disorganized and scattered before the baby, she apparently has become worse afterwards. Some people are not neat and don't feel a clean house is a priority. I know for me, and it sounds like the OP, a neat house is important. I think at least washing clothes, washing dishes, wiping off counters, etc is essential for cleanliness.
OP, it sounds like your wife just isn't ever going to be good at these things. Some people are just not that great at them. My sister is one of those people who just can't do a lot without being stressed. She's a SAHM, but she's always "stressed" because she has sooo much to do. I do all she does and have a full time job, so it aggravates me to no end!
As a SAHM, I would think this would be part of the job. I know taking care of a baby is hard, but with the help you have hired for her, I just can't see that she can't get some light cleaning/washing, etc done. Have you asked her what she thinks the solution should be? Or does she simply want you to live with the dirty house? Is she so absorbed in the baby that she is neglecting you in other ways too?
My mom raised two boys, cooked, cleaned, changed diapers, etc without my dad helping. My dad worked hard but my mom never complained my dad not helping her. My mom also worked a part time job then full time when we went to school.
So your telling us that even with a cleaning service, nanny and other help she still can't get it together. You seem to have another dependant. Addressed this quickly or you will develope resentment over her freeloading.
Oh and kids can be a pain but it's not the hardest job in the world. I would rather take care of my son anyday than work as a coal miner, cancer ward specialist, roofer, etc. Stop listening to Oprah. Posted via Mobile Device
She is disgustingly spoiled and LAZY.
I clean and cook with only ONE HAND that functions properly. I don't have any help.
Organized person before the kid? probably not, I have three and my husband says the same about me. But I'll admit. It's just being lazy. I am working on me though, it's hard, you can say I got married because of our daugther, and it's worked since then, but I wasn't ready for the husband and the kids. I was still 20 and not organized before so that definitely sucks. And my mom always did everything for me. I didn't know how to do anything when I got married, my husband cleans better than I do and he cooks better too. I'm also a SAHM, but honestly, it's hard especially if you were never in that state before. at least for me. I'm learning, and well.... getting off my ass especially for the kids and the hubby. Just talk with her, my husband used some harsh words with me and things have gotten ugly with us a lot, but you live you learen, and you deal with it. But no, I find time with three kids ages, 5,2 and 4 months, so one 20 month old is NOT a big deal.
This has been an interesting topic. I am a SAHD, so I am aware of how quickly a day can go by. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. My wife and I had a little argument about a month into me staying home. I told her I was home to raise our children, not to be a maid. That said, I believe I keep the house clean, but it is lived in. I cook almost ever meal, do almost every piece of laundry. The sink is typically empty and the counters and table are clean. Admittedly, I don't always get as much done as I hoped entering many days.
I am in the process of teaching my 3 yr old to pick up after himself, dress himself, and many other things he is capable of doing. However, teaching him to do these things can take much much longer then doing them myself, so there goes more time out of each day. SAHP do need to find that balance that works for the ones who stay at home and the one who works. I personally think requesting your wife to go back to work when financially you can afford to have a parent home would be a mistake if it is just done because you aren't happy with her housekeeping skills. Especially since you say she is very attentive to your child. Jus keep working on the other issues. The flylady suggestion is excellent. I do a version of that myself. Good luck but feel fortunate that your child is being raised by their parent. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow lots of I can do it all types in here. Just because you can doesn't mean everyone else can.
To the OP, hopefully you can get to the root of whats going on with her. Or as someone else mentioned sometimes you need to accept people for who they are, flaws and all. if you feel you can't then find out whats a deal breaker for you and move on.
The way I look at it - I don't have the time. You don't have the ability or the desire. So go find some Russian or Honduran of questionable residency status and pay her to do it. Whatever you spend on that has got to be better than listening to me tell you all this sh^t is f^cked up.
Yea, it gets overwhelming when the kids are under 2.5 LOL You put things away, turn around and they are pulling shet back out.
Makes you want to lose your mind!!!!
But she has a maid and a nanny I work full time and do it all...some days I don't do shet. Oh well. But you gotta learn to spread it out. Different chores of different days...load of laundry a day. It's doable.
To the OP, have you stayed home with the little one all day (9 hours) by yourself? If not, just try it and see how much you get done. Not trying to be snarky, but it's easy to say someone is "lazy" if you haven't tried it. dealing with a little person overwhelms some people. Maybe she feels like she should give all her attention to the kiddo and feels guilty when doing other things?
Wow! I could only wish for a nanny and a housekeeper to come in and clean my bathrooms and do most of the deep cleaning once a week. While my kids are older now (7,9, and 12), I've always kept a pretty clean house. I agree that your wife is either WAY too into the baby or just being lazy. While it is difficult to keep up with toddlers, it isn't impossible. As far as cabinets go and dragging things out, where are your baby locks? Such wonderful inventions that have saved me a lot of time and frustration over the years.
My day yesterday (not today because I have had a migraine)
6:45- wake up, kids on bus and get ready for work
4:00- off of work and a 1/2 hour drive home
4:30- home and talking with my kids about day at school and about their Christmas parties.
Rest of the evening, I did 2 loads of laundry, bathed our 95lb lab that decided to roll in mud after being left outside for too long by herself (we live in the country), cooked a homemade dinner, picked up the entire house, did more laundry, scrubbed the bathroom from bathing the dog, clipped her nails, did some homework for myself, put away laundry and still managed to be in a great mood when my hubby walked in the door after 12 hours!
I discovered when my kids were little that if I kept the television and computer off that I could get quite a bit more accomplished throughout my day. I would DVR the shows that I wanted to watch and spent my mornings doing a load of laundry (if I did one each day it never got backed up and I always folded and put it away immediately), and doing general cleaning up that the day went much either. I blocked off areas of the house that I didn't want my children messing up with wonderful inventions called baby gates! If I had errands to run, guess what, the kids went with me! Imagine that! All of this while dealing with a hubby that was constantly deployed or away at training while he was in the Army. There was no assistance or help during these times.
Thankfully, my hubby is home now and when he doesn't work 12 hours is fantastic about helping out with chores, laundry and errands. Also, I'm a firm believer in chores once children are old enough to help, but even 2 year olds can pick up their own toys.
We tell our children that we aren't the only ones that eat, wear clothes, use the restroom and those types of things and that it isn't fair that Dad and I have to clean up all of it. Chores never hurt me when I was small and I learned to be self-sufficient when I moved out and how to keep a clean house.
I agree that some people are just not naturally clean or organized, but you shouldn't have to work 12 hours and come home to an absolute mess. Our final rule is that we do not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, it makes for a rough morning around here and who wants to get up to a destroyed kitchen with nasty dishes everywhere.
I think your wife just needs to learn better time management skills, no, it doesn't have to be spotless, but it shouldn't be a disaster either, that's not fair to you after working all day.
I think you need to sit her down when she is not so defensive. Explain to her you realize you are not perfect by any means either. I think if you maybe approach her a different way it "might" help.
Try to google a housekeeping list to help. Maybe chip in just a little more to help the house run smoother too. By all means do not drive yourself crazy over this. She will either be open to change or she won't. Personally I think she is full of excuses but that is just my opinion.
A lot of daycare centers get children as young as a year to begin helping to put toys up. Teaching the lesson of we pick up or put things aways when done. If your wife doesn't lead by example or change a bit...in a few years you are going to have your child doing the same exact thing.
Re: My SAHM wife is a slob! 
