My SAHM wife is a slob!
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Old 12-20-2011, 10:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My SAHM wife is a slob!

My wife is a total slob and I don't know what to do!

We have a 20 month old and she wants to stay at home with our child. We can swing it financially. I'm under the impression that a SAHM should not only take care of child but also the house. She insists she doesn't have any time to do anything aside from taking care of the child.

As a result the house looks like it's been hit with a tornado when I come home from work every day. Part of this is the child (toys all over the floor), part of this is her (dirty dishes stacking up in the sink, laundry baskets of clothes unfolded).

She claims she's trying her best but simply can't find the time to do it all. It's not for a lack of effort. I think she's just bad at it.

Note I'm not asking her to pick up after me. I work all day and always do my own dishes, put clothes in the hamper. I even do cook for her on occasion (and I always leave the kitchen spotless when I'm done). I also take out the trash, help clean the yard, etc...

She doesn't even have to scrub anything. We have a maid come weekly to vacuum and mop and do the bathrooms and kitchen and a nanny helps her 10 hours a week so she can run errands that she can't do with the baby.

I think she has it pretty good here. Am I being unreasonable when I ask the house to be clean in addition to watching the toddler?

I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.

I get stressed out and start criticizing and she freaks out and calls me a "jerk" who doesn't understand how hard it is to take care of a baby. I realize it's difficult, but I also think that other homemakers manage to keep the house in order with even less resources.

I'm considering just telling her to go back to work so at least she isn't home most of the day to mess up the house.

Any advice on this problem?
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

We've had three kids. i stayed home and kinda saw it my 'job' to cook, clean ( i really enkioyed making home this lovely 'soft place to fall' for my boys and hubby.
I also manage a vege/herb garden, chickens and amenity gardens... never had a cleaner or a nanny.
Having said that I was an organised and naturally tidy person BEFORE I had kids and i think that is the key here.
If a person isn't organised and tidy before kids there is no way it's going to magically happen AFTER kids.
She may not know HOW to organise her day and the house.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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My wife is a total slob and I don't know what to do!

We have a 20 month old and she wants to stay at home with our child. We can swing it financially. I'm under the impression that a SAHM should not only take care of child but also the house. She insists she doesn't have any time to do anything aside from taking care of the child.

As a result the house looks like it's been hit with a tornado when I come home from work every day. Part of this is the child (toys all over the floor), part of this is her (dirty dishes stacking up in the sink, laundry baskets of clothes unfolded).

She claims she's trying her best but simply can't find the time to do it all. It's not for a lack of effort. I think she's just bad at it.

Note I'm not asking her to pick up after me. I work all day and always do my own dishes, put clothes in the hamper. I even do cook for her on occasion (and I always leave the kitchen spotless when I'm done). I also take out the trash, help clean the yard, etc...

She doesn't even have to scrub anything. We have a maid come weekly to vacuum and mop and do the bathrooms and kitchen and a nanny helps her 10 hours a week so she can run errands that she can't do with the baby.

I think she has it pretty good here. Am I being unreasonable when I ask the house to be clean in addition to watching the toddler?

I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.

I get stressed out and start criticizing and she freaks out and calls me a "jerk" who doesn't understand how hard it is to take care of a baby. I realize it's difficult, but I also think that other homemakers manage to keep the house in order with even less resources.

I'm considering just telling her to go back to work so at least she isn't home most of the day to mess up the house.

Any advice on this problem?
She does have it better than most with maid and nanny - but, it's friggen hard to keep a house that's occupied 24/7 tidy. From kid's toys and clutter. I was home with a 3 and 1 year old. Well if they weren't pulling clothes out of the drawers or tupperware out of the cupboard, arghhhh! I got tired of chasing after them saying 'no'. I'm normally very tidy and it drove me insane! But the house never was unoccupied.
It's tough to pick up after kids when they are always there.
Is she attentive to the baby? As in lots of hands on play and interaction? Or is being SAHM an excuse to just not work?
Does her day ever end? My H believed mat leave was me doing everything with baby and house. My day never ended. He never acknowledged that.
Just rambling. I know some women manage those tasks without a blink - somehow I didn't fail nor excel at it.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Babies take a lot of naps.

And how much time does she spend on the computer each day. Key logger would tell you that. And a phone log - text message log would let you see how much play time she really has.


Quote:
Originally Posted by happytitan View Post
My wife is a total slob and I don't know what to do!

We have a 20 month old and she wants to stay at home with our child. We can swing it financially. I'm under the impression that a SAHM should not only take care of child but also the house. She insists she doesn't have any time to do anything aside from taking care of the child.

As a result the house looks like it's been hit with a tornado when I come home from work every day. Part of this is the child (toys all over the floor), part of this is her (dirty dishes stacking up in the sink, laundry baskets of clothes unfolded).

She claims she's trying her best but simply can't find the time to do it all. It's not for a lack of effort. I think she's just bad at it.

Note I'm not asking her to pick up after me. I work all day and always do my own dishes, put clothes in the hamper. I even do cook for her on occasion (and I always leave the kitchen spotless when I'm done). I also take out the trash, help clean the yard, etc...

She doesn't even have to scrub anything. We have a maid come weekly to vacuum and mop and do the bathrooms and kitchen and a nanny helps her 10 hours a week so she can run errands that she can't do with the baby.

I think she has it pretty good here. Am I being unreasonable when I ask the house to be clean in addition to watching the toddler?

I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.

I get stressed out and start criticizing and she freaks out and calls me a "jerk" who doesn't understand how hard it is to take care of a baby. I realize it's difficult, but I also think that other homemakers manage to keep the house in order with even less resources.

I'm considering just telling her to go back to work so at least she isn't home most of the day to mess up the house.

Any advice on this problem?
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

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Originally Posted by golfergirl View Post
.
Is she attentive to the baby? As in lots of hands on play and interaction? Or is being SAHM an excuse to just not work?
Does her day ever end? My H believed mat leave was me doing everything with baby and house. My day never ended. He never acknowledged that.
Just rambling. I know some women manage those tasks without a blink - somehow I didn't fail nor excel at it.
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She's really attentive with the baby. Too attentive IMO. I think that's part of the problem. She won't even put him in the pack n' play for 30 minutes to work on other tasks.

Her day never ends and she comes off as constantly overwhelmed, but it's partly because she's just so inefficient. She never cleans as she go's. She'll demolish the kitchen to cook dinner and then just leaves everything in the sink and there will be food all over the floor. Then it's just that much harder for her to clean it because it's such a disgusting mess.

She finally gets the baby to sleep and at that point she's too tired to do anything else. Now she needs a "break". Understandable but I'm wondering how she didn't get a break during the 11 hours I was gone. Meanwhile I'm just home from my workday and admittedly have no interest in cleaning either. Sometimes I do out of necessity, but it's difficult for both of us.

She's not being malicious I just think she's totally disorganized and hates cleaning. Note when she does clean she's extremely thorough about it. But she only does that after we fight about it and then spends hours doing it in the evening only to make herself more tired.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

This could be the ideal time for a constructive discussion that will DEFINITELY get her attention.

Are you willing to rock the boat to change this? Because it sounds like what is happening is that in the priority scheme:
1. Baby
2. Baby
3. Baby
4. Your Wife and what she needs
5. Your Wife and what she wants
6. Other friends and family/socializing
7. Maybe you

There is a way to change it but you need to be willing to have a short but difficult conversation.


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Originally Posted by happytitan View Post
She's really attentive with the baby. Too attentive IMO. I think that's part of the problem. She won't even put him in the pack n' play for 30 minutes to work on other tasks.

Her day never ends and she comes off as constantly overwhelmed, but it's partly because she's just so inefficient. She never cleans as she go's. She'll demolish the kitchen to cook dinner and then just leaves everything in the sink and there will be food all over the floor. Then it's just that much harder for her to clean it because it's such a disgusting mess.

She finally gets the baby to sleep and at that point she's too tired to do anything else. Now she needs a "break". Understandable but I'm wondering how she didn't get a break during the 11 hours I was gone. Meanwhile I'm just home from my workday and admittedly have no interest in cleaning either. Sometimes I do out of necessity, but it's difficult for both of us.

She's not being malicious I just think she's totally disorganized and hates cleaning. Note when she does clean she's extremely thorough about it. But she only does that after we fight about it and then spends hours doing it in the evening only to make herself more tired.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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She's really attentive with the baby. Too attentive IMO. I think that's part of the problem. She won't even put him in the pack n' play for 30 minutes to work on other tasks.

Her day never ends and she comes off as constantly overwhelmed, but it's partly because she's just so inefficient. She never cleans as she go's. She'll demolish the kitchen to cook dinner and then just leaves everything in the sink and there will be food all over the floor. Then it's just that much harder for her to clean it because it's such a disgusting mess.

She finally gets the baby to sleep and at that point she's too tired to do anything else. Now she needs a "break". Understandable but I'm wondering how she didn't get a break during the 11 hours I was gone. Meanwhile I'm just home from my workday and admittedly have no interest in cleaning either. Sometimes I do out of necessity, but it's difficult for both of us.

She's not being malicious I just think she's totally disorganized and hates cleaning. Note when she does clean she's extremely thorough about it. But she only does that after we fight about it and then spends hours doing it in the evening only to make herself more tired.
Hmmm at least she's hands on with baby and not on computer etc. I found the toy clutter, yanking tupperware out of cupboard and 'helping' by pulling clothes out of drawer my downfall. I just left it til end of day, or nap times - but that's 10 min work - not deep cleaning. My little one is crawling stage, so I'm kind of a nut about clean floors. And I hate dirty dishes.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Before approaching her, might I make a crazy suggestion? Send her to a friends or relative for a full day while you play mr.mom.

If you see, in fact, that your expectations are not insanely ridiculous, you have a leg to stand on. If is more work than you imagined, you'll have a bit more understanding.

I kept the house as tidy as possible with am infant around, mind you I also worked a full time job for much of that, and my husband complained of messes... One day I left him in charge while he was off work. Not only came home to a mess, but him sleeping on the couch while our child was getting into anything and everything..

But, unfortunately... He still thought I had to be some sort of superwoman.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Before approaching her, might I make a crazy suggestion? Send her to a friends or relative for a full day while you play mr.mom.

If you see, in fact, that your expectations are not insanely ridiculous, you have a leg to stand on. If is more work than you imagined, you'll have a bit more understanding.

I kept the house as tidy as possible with am infant around, mind you I also worked a full time job for much of that, and my husband complained of messes... One day I left him in charge while he was off work. Not only came home to a mess, but him sleeping on the couch while our child was getting into anything and everything..

But, unfortunately... He still thought I had to be some sort of superwoman.
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My H was awesome for a day. It was tough after a week though. He would putter after me - picking up my newspaper or a glass I had planned on using later or threw in a load of laundry. But I had the kids occupied. Not so fun dragging a basket of clothes up and down three flights (split level), with a baby under your arms.
I have friends who managed, so it is possible, but I struggled so I feel some of your wife's pain.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect the house to be presentable when you get home from work. Maybe not perfect, because yes - being a mom is hard work. But, laundry should be folded on a regular basis and dishes done.

I'm not a SAHM... I work full time and juggle the housework and our daughter (who is nearing 3). It's still a LOT of work. I'm sorry to say but I do not think it will get better if she goes to work, may even get worse. Unless she pitches in for more housecleaning services with her pay. I also think that if she is a very attentive mom, it may be better for the child now for her to be home with him/her.

I do think it's something you need to address kindly with her. Tell her you aren't trying to be a jerk, but the housework is a problem and you'd like to help come to some resolution. Maybe she needs to keep a chore/task list every day of things she needs to do and when. It is hard with kids, but while the child is down for a nap, or if she put a quick cartoon on - she could do some housework during the down time.

The house isn't going to look perfect at this stage, as your child is still fairly young and needs a lot of attention, but I would imagine there are a few pockets of time here and there where she could be doing more housework than what you described. She is lucky - I didn't have a housecleaner of any type, worked part time, and had NO time to myself. Sure, our house gets messy at times but eventually the mess gets picked up.

Perhaps when you come home from work you can take the baby out to the park, or do some sort of activity with him/her while your wife gets some house cleaning done?
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

I just stopped letting it bother me after a while. I used to come home and have to clean house, like you. But, I started to realize that I could spend my entire evening cleaning or use that time to play with the kids.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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After kids, your house will never ever again look perfect. Between fork stab marks in the expensive dining table, puke on the couches, or pen gouges in the nice curio cabinet, (not to mention the red koolade stains in the fancy coffee table or beyblade scratches in the bamboo floors), the house will now look like you have kids living there. Lol.
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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When I was alone with my son when he was younger I found it almost impossible to do anything but pay attention to him. He just wanted constant attention from me and would not stop until he got it. He is ADD.

By two he was speaking in full sentences. His curiosity was unbelievable. By kindergarden he was reading at 8th grade level. I felt like I was going nuts taking care of him because I could not just keep an eye on him while I did things.. I had to be engaged playing and being metally involved with whatever his current curiosity was.

I bought him a chidlren's encyclopidea. He asked me to read them.. yes each book end to end. Thank goodness he learned to read early as he read the second half of the books on his own.

I admit to using the TV sometimes. At 3.5 he was fasicanted with the Titanic. He must have watched A Night to Remember 100 times. Wanted to know everything about that ship, what happened, etc.

His favorite poet as at about 4/5? Edger Allen Poe.

By kindergarden I was getting info on science experiments that we could do at home. His favorite store was Edmonds. I have a degree in engineering & math so it was right up my alley as well.

My point is that taking care of a kid all day is not just 'watching' them. There is a lot to it... at least for some kids.

Then I found other kids.. mine became the house in the neighborhood that would watch anyone's little kids. That way my son had a playmate and I had time to do things. I found that 2 are a lot easier than one. They keep each other busy.

I wonder if this is what is going on with your wife and child.

By the way, today my son is a junior in college getting a degree in physcis and engineering. He has a 4.0 GPA. His plan is to go on for a PHD.

I would not change a thing I did in raising him. Satisfying his intellectual curiosty even at the age of 2 was my highest priority. Dishes? They were pretty low on the priorty list.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My SAHM wife is a slob!

Quote:
Originally Posted by happytitan View Post

I think she's just too focused on the child and can't mentally wrap her brain around doing anything else. She wasn't tidy before we had a baby, but now it's far worse.
I think so too, my sister is like that. She can't seems to do anything else, except taking care of the baby....but of course my niece is 3months old and.....i don't have a child so may be i don't know.. But for me one child and a house shouldn't be such a big deal / especially when you have that help/
I also think that it's not that they don't want to ,they're just not good at it. So may be going back to work will be better for your /both/ sanity

Last edited by charlene; 12-21-2011 at 06:07 AM.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I think so too, my sister is like that. She can't seems to do anything else, except taking care of the baby....but of course my niece is 3months and.....i don't have i child so may be i don't know.. But for me one child and a house shouldn't be such a big deal / especially when you have that help/
I also think that it's not that they don't want to ,they're just not good at it. So may be going back to work will be better for your /both/ sanity
For some reason people tend to expect all women to be good house keepers. Many are not. They never learn or just do not have the skills... or are ADD and cannot organize to save their lives.
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