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post #151 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
Unfortunately there will always be harmless flirting, it's part of business sometimes. What I made clear to her was that it's one thing to flirt a little in a public setting but a completely different thing to flirt in private either on the phone or through text.

Yes my marriage is fragile right now, but from what I have seen she's not in contact with the OM. Whether they really have broken all ties or if they're just taking a break right now until things cool down, I don't know, only time will tell that.
No, I can tell you now that chances are very high that she will be back in contact with the OM soon if she's not already- because you haven't taken the steps required to demand she either ends the affair and ALL contact through exposure and a no contact letter to the OM, and implements full transparency to you, or you file for D.

Realize what you're saying is that you'd rather share your wife than downgrade your lifestyle and impact your son (whose life will be impacted anyways because your wife is most likely still in an affair).

And no, no one should have to put up with their spouse flirting with the opposite sex, in person or otherwise- especially a spouse who has shown she has poor boundaries with other men.


Last edited by Jessica38; 03-17-2017 at 03:06 PM.
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post #152 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

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No, I can tell you now that chances are very high that she will be back in contact with the OM soon if she's not already- because you haven't taken the steps required to demand she either ends the affair and ALL contact through exposure and a no contact letter to the OM, and implements full transparency to you, or you file for D.

Realize what you're saying is that you'd rather share your wife than downgrade your lifestyle and impact your son (whose life will be impacted anyways because your wife is most likely still in an affair).

And no, no one should have to put up with their spouse flirting with the opposite sex, in person or otherwise- especially a spouse who has shown she has poor boundaries with other men.

As you will find out here on TAM, people have to learn at their pace.

When he finally gets tired of it all, he will come around.

Some people can take more crap sandwiches than others.
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post #153 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

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As you will find out here on TAM, people have to learn at their pace.

When he finally gets tired of it all, he will come around.

Some people can take more crap sandwiches than others.
I know, sigh. But when making big decisions like how to handle an affair, I think there's no substitute for helpful outside perspectives since most of us in it will react emotionally.
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post #154 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

It's true... I put up with a 100% sexless marriage for 4 years. Because of young kids and finances. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. No More Mr Nice Guy woke me up, too. I finally didn't give a crap and told friends and family that it's been a sham of a marriage and I'm leaving her. I separated 2 weeks after reading NMMNG. Got engaged 14 months later to the woman of my dreams and closing on our new house in 3 weeks from now. Life is short, don't waste it with someone that makes your life miserable.
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post #155 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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No, I can tell you now that chances are very high that she will be back in contact with the OM soon if she's not already- because you haven't taken the steps required to demand she either ends the affair and ALL contact through exposure and a no contact letter to the OM, and implements full transparency to you, or you file for D.

Realize what you're saying is that you'd rather share your wife than downgrade your lifestyle and impact your son (whose life will be impacted anyways because your wife is most likely still in an affair).

And no, no one should have to put up with their spouse flirting with the opposite sex, in person or otherwise- especially a spouse who has shown she has poor boundaries with other men.


I have already spoken to the OM face to face and explained very clearly what will happen if I find out he’s in contact with her again. She has been told if I find out she’s been in contact with him that I’m filing. I have been through her phone without her knowing more than a few times now and there has been no contact. And no, I’m not going to downgrade my lifestyle basically as a scare tactic to get her back, that’s ridiculous. And whether they realize it or not, everyone flirts with the opposite sex. Anyone who says they don’t is either a liar or clueless.
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post #156 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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It's true... I put up with a 100% sexless marriage for 4 years. Because of young kids and finances. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. No More Mr Nice Guy woke me up, too. I finally didn't give a crap and told friends and family that it's been a sham of a marriage and I'm leaving her. I separated 2 weeks after reading NMMNG. Got engaged 14 months later to the woman of my dreams and closing on our new house in 3 weeks from now. Life is short, don't waste it with someone that makes your life miserable.
I get it, life is short and you only deserve the best for yourself. Before all our problems started, she was the best. Through all my questioning, snooping, having her followed, bugging my house, etc., I still have found no solid proof that anything physical happened. And I’m not about to throw away 15 years of my life because of 2 bad years and something I don’t know happened or not without exhausting every option. “Wasting” another 5 months means nothing at this point.
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post #157 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

I get it. But you should have full access to her phone. You should be able to pick it up, enter in the PIN, and look around.
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post #158 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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I get it. But you should have full access to her phone. You should be able to pick it up, enter in the PIN, and look around.


Well I sort of do and I can. Her phone can be access by her fingerprint, after a night of drinking and her passing out, I took her finger as she slept and opened the phone. While I was in there, I registered one of my fingerprints so I can open it whenever I want. I know she’ll never give me total access to her phone and I do understand why. Other than a lot of work stuff, I know she talks to friends about me and other things that she would never want me to see, I do the same.
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post #159 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Well I sort of do and I can. Her phone can be access by her fingerprint, after a night of drinking and her passing out, I took her finger as she slept and opened the phone. While I was in there, I registered one of my fingerprints so I can open it whenever I want. I know she’ll never give me total access to her phone and I do understand why. Other than a lot of work stuff, I know she talks to friends about me and other things that she would never want me to see, I do the same.
How about her car? Do you have access to it?
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post #160 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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How about her car? Do you have access to it?
I do now have access to the car. She doesn't know I found the spare key and I now have that hidden from her. Putting a VAR in the car wouldn't do much good though, even looking at her phone records, she doesn't talk on the phone much at all and all the numbers she talks to I know, with her it's all text. I even actually helped her clean out the car over the weekend. I still want to take a look through the center console and glove box but there was nothing I saw in the car or in the garbage she threw out from the car, yes I went through it, so I'll just need to keep a close eye and see what happens

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post #161 of 161 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

Ok, I know I had posted an update a few days ago but some things have happened and some thoughts on my mind. In my last update I think I mentioned how she had told me she was going to a friends to watch a movie and told me this whole story the next morning about what they watch, that they had "girl talk" and a conversation she had with her friends daughters. Only to find out that she didn't go to the friends house but went out to a restaurant with that same friend. I never let her know that I knew she lied and didn't really care being that I did find out the truth through other means and she didn't do anything wrong other then lie to me and tell me some made up story about it. All that followed up Monday morning by all kinds of accusations of me putting a GPS on her car, her not believing me when I said I didn't, and all kinds of other accusations about me telling all my friends that she had an affair, which I didn't. The texts were crazy and discussing them with a friend our only conclusion was that she was testing me and trying to bait me into admitting I was spying and tracking her. I do understand it to a point, she has told me that she doesn't feel comfortable in our relationship because she constantly feels that I'm watching her, investigating her and "building a case against her", and that's why she hasn't been able to open up again.

That being said, the same kind of thing happened again this weekend. She was going to a jewelry party at a neighbors house up the street. First she asked our son if he wanted to walk up there with her and see if the kids were there. Then later she said that she'd walk up and if the kids were there, she'd walk back to get him, the key word here being "walk". So when she left, she told me she was going to drive up because she wanted to stop and pick up a bottle of wine to bring. Not a big deal, but then I start thinking well we have a lot of nice wine and decent wine in the house already, why not bring one of those? But whatever I don't say anything about it, but she did say again that if the kids were there she'd come back to pick up our son. So now a little while later, and after I knew she would be there after picking up wine, I text her "Guess no kids?" and she texts back no. So a little while later I'm out front having a smoke and things just feel off. I look in the window and see my son is face planted in his ipad, lol, so I jump on a bike and ride up the block. The car is there so I head back, all good.

So around 11pm she texts me that they're going out dancing, and I text her to have fun. I go upstairs, lay down and watch TV in bed, I probably fell asleep a little before midnight. The next morning when we wake up, I ask her about her night. She tells me where they went and how they went to 2 places, both were bad so they came back. Then I ask her what time she got home, and she tells me sometime around midnight. So I start thinking, 30 minutes to drive to the area, stopped in at 2 places that were a 5-10 minute walk apart, have at least a drink at each place, and then a 30 minute drive home. She texted me a little after 11 that they were going and she said she got home around midnight, the timeline doesn't work out at all. So I check the footage from my security cameras and she got home at almost 1:30am. And not that I think she was out doing something she shouldn't have been doing but midnight vs. 1:30am is a big difference to mistake. I looked through her phone again the next night and saw texts with friends about where she was and who she was with, and didn't see anything suspicious so I just feel a little confused.

Why keep lying to me about where she is and what time she got home when you're not doing anything wrong?
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