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post #31 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

Our intimacy level was ok at the beginning, not great but ok. It has dropped off in the last few months to non existent now. The last few times she wanted to have sex, she passed out drunk. Her drinking has increased greatly over the last few months and has become another problem that I have been addressing frequently. As I had said, she doesn't go out whenever she wishes or without telling me, she actually only goes out once a month or so with friends. The rest of the time she's out with me or she's home. I have confronted the OM about the message he sent. He said that nothing has ever happened and that they've never seen each other off the volleyball court. I asked him if there had ever been other messages like the one I saw and he said that there may have been a couple but nothing like the last one. That mostly they just texted about life and family and flirted but nothing directly sexual. Do I believe him?, not 100%, but like I said the other messages that I looked through were not sexual or even flirty. That's why I said that there's reason to believe yes and reason to believe it was just texting.

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post #32 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:53 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

I was married to a teacher for 20 years. They have off hours. Plenty of time for a hookup
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post #33 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

I am not a submissive person. My dominance is something that usually starts the arguments. But I also know and have learned over our 13 years of marriage that direct confrontation on anything puts her in full defensive mode almost completely shutting down. We're both very strong minded and stubborn people. That is why I wrote the letter I wrote to her talking about all our problems including this OM. I let all my feelings be known and I gave ways we could work on things to try and work things out and improve our relationship. I figured that since she always goes on the defensive, as do I, that this was the best way to get things across with arguing half way through the conversation. I gave her the letter a couple days telling her to read it, think about everything and then we'll talk. We have had some family things going on since I gave it to her and now she's away with my son, two of her friends and their kids being that schools closed. I didn't go with them because of work but I was invited. When they left I quietly asked her if she got the letter. She said she did and that we'd talk when she gets back which will be later this week. That's one of the reasons I've turned to this forum. I have confronted her and I plan to again when we talk. All I want to hear is the truth, no matter what it is. But at the same time I know if I push too much that she'll just shut down and the conversation will be totally unproductive. I don't want to get divorced and I actually don't believe she does either. I think if that was her goal that it would've happened already, as do her friends. But I need answers as to what she's thinking and why. If she doesn't want to be together that's fine, so we end it. I've come to terms that that's a very good possibility at this point. I would think that since she's been caught twice now that if that's what she really wanted that would be her choice, but it doesn't seem to be. And I don't understand why she would want to keep living a life where she's constantly sneaking around and hiding things knowing that I'm suspicious and watching her. Like really, who would want to live like that? It just doesn't make sense to me.
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post #34 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

I know teachers have off hours but my point is that with her job and schedule she doesn't, or at least not enough to make an affair work. I know that sounds like I'm in denial but I'm just thinking logically about it.
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post #35 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

what you clearly have here is a break down of trust, and she is using her legal skills to work overtime on you..so you have a couple options here...you can go via the back do from a technical arena, via a VAR in her vehicle, you can try to gain access to phone and make a copy of it. the second option is to tell he that you have no trust in her anymore and if she wants to save this marriage she has to be come to face with her ownership in this matter...and just file.

Marriage counseling is not going to work if she is lying and being deceitful
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post #36 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:07 AM
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Cool Re: need your thoughts

Thank God, I've never seen fit to ever cheat on anybody who I was involved with in marriage or a relationship with!

But in my courtship days, judging strictly from memory, it didn't exactly take a plethora of time from the time that the sexual hint was firmly made by either of us, up through the time that the act was actually consummated and completed!

To wit, it doesn't really require a great deal of time and planning for two horny bodies to have sex, undressing/redressing, post-coital cuddling and "sweet nothings," included!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #37 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

I have told her that I've lost all trust in her. I've told her how she's done what she's done and I've done what I've done and she needs to just own it like I did. I told her that if she does want to really try and work on things, that she needs to make an effort. Her view on it the last year has been to just "see what happens". Well that hasn't worked so it's time for a new plan. But before that new plan can start she needs to make a decision on if she actually wants to.

She usually goes to bed before I do so when I go up I always look to see if her phone is unlocked like it was when I found the messages. That's the only way I'll get into the phone. I do have a vehicle tracker but I haven't been using it long and it hasn't shown anything suspicious yet. I tried counseling last year. You could tell she didn't want to be there and as cordial as she was being I knew she wasn't being totally open. Then after the third session she told me that she wasn't going anymore because she didn't believe in it.

I'm not an idiot and I'm not living in complete denial. I know what I've seen, texts, phone records, behavior, reactions, responses, all of it. I do see the big picture and what will most likely be the end result. My problem is that I do love her, I love our family dynamic, in social settings we do get along and have fun, and no, I don't want that to end.
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post #38 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Thank God, I've never seen fit to ever cheat on anybody who I was involved with in marriage or a relationship with!

But in my courtship days, judging strictly from memory, it didn't exactly take a plethora of time from the time that the sexual hint was firmly made by either of us, up through the time that the act was actually consummated and completed!

To wit, it doesn't really require a great deal of time and planning for two horny bodies to have sex, undressing/redressing, post-coital cuddling and "sweet nothings," included!
Honestly with the amount of time that they would have if they were sneaking around with the free time that she does have, I'd feel sorry for her that he's that quick, lol.
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post #39 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

Are these OMs married? If they are, have you exposed to their wifes/SO?
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post #40 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
I know teachers have off hours but my point is that with her job and schedule she doesn't, or at least not enough to make an affair work. I know that sounds like I'm in denial but I'm just thinking logically about it.


I read the first sentence and thought he is in denial. Then I read the second.

Don't equate affair with long hours in bed at a fancy hotel.

How long does it take for a bj?

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post #41 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:43 AM
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post #42 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

It is usually that wives complain that there is not enough together time because of the careers. Looks like without addressing your concerns she is bloating about the importance of her career. Is your career on par with hers? Again does she show concern / empathy about your state of mind because of her attitudes (hopefully addressed through the letter). Otherwise I think you have to (if you do not want to separate) accept a marriage of convenience and seek your own happiness. Feeling depressed and pain is self defeating, specially if the wife does not care. Do not forget to keep up with your affairs like health, your career and career improvement. Right now from what you says you should consider your future and well being first. Her refusal to show texts is not acceptable.

Last edited by curious234; 02-20-2017 at 10:08 AM.
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post #43 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
Unfortunately, since we never really addressed the original problems at the beginning, things have already gotten out of hand. Like I had said about her first texting incident, I really don't believe that things got physical. Know who the guy was and what he looked like, the chances of that really were less than likely. I'm not saying it was impossible, as at this point I really don't feel I know who she is anymore, but even given everything I know about it and the way our relationship has been I would be really really surprised. As far as the guy I found out about recently, I do believe the chances of a physical affair are much higher. But like I had said about this latest one, I haven't seen the opportunity for a physical affair to be happening unless she's skipping out on work to see him. And given that he's a teacher and in school most of the afternoon, I just don't see the time for a physical affair. She's not out late after work and she hasn't been out on the weekends without me or without one of the friends or her posting something on social media proving that she is where she said she was. When I was looking through her texts with him I also saw one asking about where he had been because she hadn't heard from him in about two months. So like I said, there are things that yes it's a physical affair and things that say no, it's not likely a physical affair. Which is why I'm having such a hard time digesting all of this.


I understand your need to verify if things went physical with OM. I had that same need... even had my H take a polygraph to verify he was being truthful about that.

The trouble is, the trust is still broken, and a marriage without trust isn't a real marriage anymore.

If she's unwilling to own her behavior, you really cannot have a true R. This is what happened in my marriage. He agreed to let me monitor his phone, but frankly I found it humiliating that I had to do that and it made me resent him.

Since he never wanted to address our issues, we have not been able to repair things. Due to extenuating circumstances, I have forgiven him... but I will never forget and can never trust. Our marriage is a roommate arrangement and very stressful.

I fantasize about getting out every day, and not because of the original hurt he caused me with his online affair... but because he has no remorse and no willingness to repair what has been broken. THAT is what I cannot forgive.






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post #44 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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I read the first sentence and thought he is in denial. Then I read the second.

Don't equate affair with long hours in bed at a fancy hotel.

How long does it take for a bj?
I know it doesn't have to be long hours at a fancy hotel, but drive time, her schedule, and the time that she gets home it just doesn't add up. Yes, it's entirely possible but it just doesn't seem realistic. It's not like she's out late after work or on the weekends.
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post #45 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

Well, I'm confused. Is your wife a teacher or an attorney?
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