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post #46 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
I understand your need to verify if things went physical with OM. I had that same need... even had my H take a polygraph to verify he was being truthful about that.

The trouble is, the trust is still broken, and a marriage without trust isn't a real marriage anymore.

If she's unwilling to own her behavior, you really cannot have a true R. This is what happened in my marriage. He agreed to let me monitor his phone, but frankly I found it humiliating that I had to do that and it made me resent him.

Since he never wanted to address our issues, we have not been able to repair things. Due to extenuating circumstances, I have forgiven him... but I will never forget and can never trust. Our marriage is a roommate arrangement and very stressful.

I fantasize about getting out every day, and not because of the original hurt he caused me with his online affair... but because he has no remorse and no willingness to repair what has been broken. THAT is what I cannot forgive.


Those are the exact feelings I'm feeling right now. I've worked up all my finances to be on my own including what child support would be. I've actively looked at apartments, I've done all the leg work to be ready to be on my own again. But there is still that hope I guess that she will finally open up and want to try and work on things. I've told her in the past that I know there's no guarantee that things will work out but we owe it to ourselves, our 13 years of marriage, and our son to at least try everything we can before we say "ok, it's just not going to work", and she just can't seem to do that.



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post #47 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Well, I'm confused. Is your wife a teacher or an attorney?
My wife is an attorney and the OM is a teacher.
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post #48 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by curious234 View Post
It is usually that wives complain that there is not enough together time because of the careers. Looks like without addressing your concerns she is bloating about the importance of her career. Is your career on par with hers? Again does she show concern / empathy about your state of mind because of her attitudes (hopefully addressed through the letter). Otherwise I think you have to (if you do not want to separate) accept a marriage of convenience and seek your own happiness. Feeling depressed and pain is self defeating, specially if the wife does not care. Do not forget to keep up with your affairs like health, your career and career improvement. Right now from what you says you should consider your future and well being first. Her refusal to show texts is not acceptable.
Her career is more demanding then mine. However I think she makes it more demanding then she needs to. She is still a young attorney, only practicing around 7 years, and she constantly feels she needs to prove herself. One of my problems is that I wish she would feel the same need to prove herself to me. Any time I talk about bad days or stresses in my career, she compares them with what she has on her plate. This is another thing that has always bothered me, we're not in completion but she always makes it seem that we are.

I consider my future and well being all the time, but I put my son's future and well being before mine. I don't want him growing up without me around all the time, it would crush him if I wasn't there. And I don't know if he would really understand why I wasn't there. I also think, although I would hope she never would, but I think that she might play it off to him that I wasn't there because I didn't want to be there anymore. If it weren't for my son, this would all be a fairly easy decision. But adding him and his feelings to the equation really puts a lot more stress on things
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post #49 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by Tobyboy View Post
Are these OMs married? If they are, have you exposed to their wifes/SO?
I know the first one was married. I did search out his wife on social media and thought about sending her copies of the text logs just asking what she thought about it. But like I said, I truly feel that that one never went physical and after our big blowout over it, I did see that the texts stopped. Her data usage went up for about 2 weeks but then went back to normal, so I know that she did still text with him on WhatsApp, but I know that it did stop. After a month of seeing she wasn't texting with him anymore I didn't feel the need to contact the wife. They have a disabled son, like seriously disabled, I honestly felt bad for his wife. I knew for sure that he and my wife weren't talking anymore and there was no reason to risk destroying his marriage and leaving the wife as the sole caretaker of the disabled son.

The last OM, I'm not 100% sure if he's married. I know he was married and has a child. I have met this man, played in a volleyball league against him and have had drinks with him in a group. I'm 99% sure that I did see a ring on his finger. The problem is that I don't know his last name. I've looked on my wife's friend list on Facebook and the lists of other friends of his that I know from volleyball and I don't see him so investigating him is a little difficult.
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post #50 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by curious234 View Post
It is usually that wives complain that there is not enough together time because of the careers. Looks like without addressing your concerns she is bloating about the importance of her career. Is your career on par with hers? Again does she show concern / empathy about your state of mind because of her attitudes (hopefully addressed through the letter). Otherwise I think you have to (if you do not want to separate) accept a marriage of convenience and seek your own happiness. Feeling depressed and pain is self defeating, specially if the wife does not care. Do not forget to keep up with your affairs like health, your career and career improvement. Right now from what you says you should consider your future and well being first. Her refusal to show texts is not acceptable.


You are right. There is only one reason to not show the texts. To protect her ass. She knows the texts are damaging. By not showing them she is putting herself and the OM ahead of OP and their marriage.
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post #51 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
I know the first one was married. I did search out his wife on social media and thought about sending her copies of the text logs just asking what she thought about it. But like I said, I truly feel that that one never went physical and after our big blowout over it, I did see that the texts stopped. Her data usage went up for about 2 weeks but then went back to normal, so I know that she did still text with him on WhatsApp, but I know that it did stop. After a month of seeing she wasn't texting with him anymore I didn't feel the need to contact the wife. They have a disabled son, like seriously disabled, I honestly felt bad for his wife. I knew for sure that he and my wife weren't talking anymore and there was no reason to risk destroying his marriage and leaving the wife as the sole caretaker of the disabled son.



The last OM, I'm not 100% sure if he's married. I know he was married and has a child. I have met this man, played in a volleyball league against him and have had drinks with him in a group. I'm 99% sure that I did see a ring on his finger. The problem is that I don't know his last name. I've looked on my wife's friend list on Facebook and the lists of other friends of his that I know from volleyball and I don't see him so investigating him is a little difficult.


It's quite simple. You ask your wife for his full name. Without that there can be no reconciliation.
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post #52 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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You are right. There is only one reason to not show the texts. To protect her ass. She knows the texts are damaging. By not showing them she is putting herself and the OM ahead of OP and their marriage.
I know. The other thing that I know is that over the past year, when she talks to her or our friends about our relationship she doesn't tell them the whole story. She tells them enough about a problem that makes it look like I was the cause of the problem. I caught her doing this once, I walked up behind her one night and heard exactly what she said and called her out on it in front of the person she was talking to. Her explanation, "That's just how I feel". So yes I think she's not showing the texts because she wants to protect her own ass, but I don't think she's trying to only protect her ass from any incriminating texts with these men. I think she's also afraid of me seeing what she's told people about our relationship and how she twists things to make me look like the bad guy. Talking with two of her best friends about this recent incident I realized that even more. After them hearing my side of things that have happened I was told by them how after talking to me they were confused about the whole thing, and that they feel like they don't know who she is anymore. Like the whole situation is just odd at every level. It's clear that she's hiding things from everyone, including her friends. From what I know, she still hasn't told her parents that we've been having problems at all.
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post #53 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
It's quite simple. You ask your wife for his full name. Without that there can be no reconciliation.
The way I look at that at this point is what's the difference? I saw what I saw, I know who it was with and I do personally know the guy. All asking her detailed information about him is going to do is set her off and be counter productive. If I really need, I know where to find the guy. Whether she want to admit and own what she did doesn't really matter, we both know something happened. She knows what I've seen and she knows I have a picture of her phone showing it. I just what the lies and the secrecy to stop and see if we can do something to fix our relationship if for no other reason that my son grows up in a house with both parents present.
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post #54 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

"Those are the exact feelings I'm feeling right now. I've worked up all my finances to be on my own including what child support would be. I've actively looked at apartments, I've done all the leg work to be ready to be on my own again. But there is still that hope I guess that she will finally open up and want to try and work on things. I've told her in the past that I know there's no guarantee that things will work out but we owe it to ourselves, our 13 years of marriage, and our son to at least try everything we can before we say "ok, it's just not going to work", and she just can't seem to do that."

It seems you think or do not want to take primary custody of your child. If D happen I think you can develop (with a lawyer) a case for primary custody based on all the case details and how little time your wife would have outside her career
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post #55 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

She is neck-deep in this affair.

You know this, yet you are latching on to denial in order to avoid taking action because you're afraid it will end your marriage.

Nothing changes until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #56 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
She is neck-deep in this affair.

You know this, yet you are latching on to denial in order to avoid taking action because you're afraid it will end your marriage.

Nothing changes until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Isn't the marriage just about done anyway?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #57 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by curious234 View Post
"Those are the exact feelings I'm feeling right now. I've worked up all my finances to be on my own including what child support would be. I've actively looked at apartments, I've done all the leg work to be ready to be on my own again. But there is still that hope I guess that she will finally open up and want to try and work on things. I've told her in the past that I know there's no guarantee that things will work out but we owe it to ourselves, our 13 years of marriage, and our son to at least try everything we can before we say "ok, it's just not going to work", and she just can't seem to do that."

It seems you think or do not want to take primary custody of your child. If D happen I think you can develop (with a lawyer) a case for primary custody based on all the case details and how little time your wife would have outside her career
I agree but I also think that would cause a lot of problems in the post marital relationship. Whether we stay together or split, we're still going to be in each others lives for the next 12 years or so because of our son. It'll be hard enough on him if we split, it'll be even worse if there's more animosity, tension and hate over custody. I just don't feel that fighting for full custody is worth the effect it could have on him.
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post #58 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
She is neck-deep in this affair.

You know this, yet you are latching on to denial in order to avoid taking action because you're afraid it will end your marriage.

Nothing changes until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm not in denial, I know it happened. As far as how far it went, I have no solid proof. I have seen texts from a week or to ago asking where he'd been because she hadn't heard from him in a month or so. I have taken action but I want to be really careful about how it all effects my son. I know it sounds dumb but I value him and his feelings much more then I value my own. But I am at the point where if I don't get answers when we talk next, I am letting her know and I'm getting a lawyer involved. Even if I don't follow through with the divorce, maybe the reality of the lawyer involved and the real threat of divorce will change something. All of her friends have told me that they know she doesn't want to get a divorce, which is what makes all of this make even less sense
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post #59 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Isn't the marriage just about done anyway?
It is, it hasn't felt like a marriage in over a year. But after 13 years of marriage, 15 years together, building a life, a home and a family, I don't feel that 2 bad years are worth throwing it all away without at least an effort on both parts. If ultimately we do split, at the very least we can say we tried. And regardless of any of that, we'll still be in each other's lives for at least the next 12 years because of our son. Why still have the same animosity and tension that we have now then.
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post #60 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

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It is, it hasn't felt like a marriage in over a year. But after 13 years of marriage, 15 years together, building a life, a home and a family, I don't feel that 2 bad years are worth throwing it all away without at least an effort on both parts. If ultimately we do split, at the very least we can say we tried. And regardless of any of that, we'll still be in each other's lives for at least the next 12 years because of our son. Why still have the same animosity and tension that we have now then.
But, she isn't trying, is she?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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