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post #76 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:51 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

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I know that things don't just fall back into place, that was her approach to it. I've been telling her over and over again that it takes an effort from both of us and she keeps saying that she doesn't know how she feels and that she's unsure about our relationship
Either she in or she's out. This isn't nuclear fusion. She is saying she doesn't know what she wants because she's not ready to leave yet. She doesn't see a sure thing right now.

How long will you stay in this state of limbo, sitting around hoping she'll pick you. Soon you will have to choose too. If you don't she will.

Do you want to live in a marriage where she keeps you as a roommate and gets emotionally fulfilled by other men?


"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #77 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

So more interesting information that just adds to the question of what's going on with my wife and why is she thinking and acting the way she has been. I just spoke to her mother. Now I know that she hasn't said anything about our problems to her parents at all. And I would never say anything to them, although I have been thinking about it. But her mother told me that she hasn't returned any of her calls since last week, she used to speak to her everyday sometimes twice a day. She's an only child and her parents mean the world to her. I just don't understand what's going on in my wife's head right now
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post #78 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:03 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
I know that things don't just fall back into place, that was her approach to it. I've been telling her over and over again that it takes an effort from both of us and she keeps saying that she doesn't know how she feels and that she's unsure about our relationship
Either she in or she's out. This isn't nuclear fusion. She is saying she doesn't know what she wants because she's not ready to leave yet. She doesn't see a sure thing right now.

How long will you stay in this state of limbo, sitting around hoping she'll pick you. Soon you will have to choose too. If you don't she will.

Do you want to live in a marriage where she keeps you as a roommate and gets emotionally fulfilled by other men?
I know she needs to make choice. I also know that I can't keep living like this. But there's still our son to consider. The last thing I want is him growing up without me around. If it wasn't for him, I'd most likely be gone by now
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post #79 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

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I know she needs to make choice. I also know that I can't keep living like this. But there's still our son to consider. The last thing I want is him growing up without me around. If it wasn't for him, I'd most likely be gone by now
I don't think you got it. It's up to you to decide, not her.

It's up to all of us to decide our own fate. Never blame someone else for something you consented to live with.

Did you read No More Mr Nice Guy?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 02-20-2017 at 08:21 PM.
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post #80 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:58 PM
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need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by Haiku View Post
Welcome!



Can I interest you in discovering the healing power of paragraph breaks.


The guy's marriage is falling apart and you are posting about paragraph breaks? Give us a ****ing break. If it's too hard for you, don't read it.

Btw this was covered in post 19.
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post #81 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:02 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

AME, since you cheated first, why wouldn't your wife feel justified in having her own special friend? Balance the scales?
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post #82 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

OP your story can't believe you're that gullible or naÔve...

Spartans lay down your weapons.! "Persian come and get them"

Last edited by Sparta; 02-20-2017 at 11:30 PM.
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post #83 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:19 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

"I took it out of her hand to put it on the night table and saw a texts asking how I was being. Taken back a little I looked at who it was from and wondered why she would be talking to him about our relationship. The guy was someone we both know but she has known longer."

She's talking to a guy about your relationship and you're taken back? Why, when you openly call her friends and talk about your relationship and you're thinking of calling her mom?

It seems there is a double standard at play. You had the EA so now you're projecting. Or, are you trying to get some dirt on her to even the playing field?
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post #84 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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AME, since you cheated first, why wouldn't your wife feel justified in having her own special friend? Balance the scales?
I agree, which is why the first time it happened I put it behind us after we spoke about it. We had talked about mine at great lengths, I told her and showed her everything she asked. And after talking about her first, I had to go with my gut that it never got physical. We both needed to put those behind us if there was going to be any chance of trying to fix things. And I did think about how she would've felt justified about it. But I know that very shortly after I confronted her about that one that it stopped. The number didn't show up on the text logs again, no new numbers were showing up that I didn't know, and her data usage went back to normal. Call it naÔve or anything else, all of the previous indicators were gone, so I had no reason to think otherwise.

Now with this latest one, she's told me that she's not going to stop speaking to him because he is a friend. But that also could've just been said out of anger as I don't see any real suspicious activity on the phone records now. Her and my son have been away the past few days with friends because of school being closed so we haven't had a chance to have a real conversation about all of it, every time we've talked about it it's either been an argument or led to one. So it's going to all come down to the next conversation we have about it, what she says, her reactions and mannerisms while we're talking. But either way, everything that's been said so far has been out of anger or emotion. A decision to break up a family and everything we've built over the last 15 years needs to be made under calm or somewhat calm and understanding conditions.
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post #85 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
"I took it out of her hand to put it on the night table and saw a texts asking how I was being. Taken back a little I looked at who it was from and wondered why she would be talking to him about our relationship. The guy was someone we both know but she has known longer."

She's talking to a guy about your relationship and you're taken back? Why, when you openly call her friends and talk about your relationship and you're thinking of calling her mom?

It seems there is a double standard at play. You had the EA so now you're projecting. Or, are you trying to get some dirt on her to even the playing field?
I openly called her friends about this incident yes. Typically it's more casual when I talk to her friends about us. More like when we get together in a group it will come up in conversation of how are things going. Yes I was taken back that she was talking to this guy about our relationship, he's not a close friend or even really portrayed as a close friend, he's a guy we hang around with at volleyball. If he was someone who knew both of us and has seen our interactions together and knew us, it would be different.

I'm not playing a double standard, I think it's more that since I had an EA, I know. I never meant to have one, casual conversation just led to it. I know first hand how it starts and what it can lead to so yes I'm a little more on guard about it. I know what I did was wrong, I regret what I did, and I'm the one who needs to live with that everyday. And yes, because of being upset and angry by all this I wanted to get as much dirt on the situation as possible, who wouldn't. Right now it's more about seeing what we can do to resolve all of it and try and save the marriage, and the family.

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post #86 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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OP your story can't believe you're that gullible or naÔve...
There's nothing gullible or naÔve about it. I know from my own experiences how it starts and why it starts. I also know from my own EA that it is possible to not cross that line to a PA. In regards to my wife, I've seen what I've seen as far as evidence, her reactions and what she's said. I also know that everything that's been said about it so far as been while both of us were angry and emotional. Nothing rational ever comes out when emotions are taking over. Like I've said before, there's evidence that says this was a PA and there's evidence that says it was only a EA. Until we cool off and have a real talk about nothing can really be resolved. Yes I have doubts on if it was or wasn't a PA, which is why I'm not going to just throw away 15 years and a break up my family over a hunch, no matter how strong of a hunch it may be
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post #87 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:50 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

The line is thin. I didn't cross over to PA but wanted to.

Btw, is kissing a PA or do you define PA as PIV or BJ?
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post #88 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

Your entire problem is that you talk too much.

Talk less. Do more.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #89 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:09 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

certainly that might be a question to ask your wife....what does she constitute a PA and EA....that is where a lot of debate between couples start....kissing a friend on the cheek is considered...friendly...kissing closed lips and on the lips...touch and go...but if you are exploring their tonsils...then that is a PA or is all kissing considered EA...have you asked her? and have you told her point blank that any PA is automatically divorce?
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post #90 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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The line is thin. I didn't cross over to PA but wanted to.

Btw, is kissing a PA or do you define PA as PIV or BJ?
Yes kissing would be a PA, you've crossed that line to physical intimate contact
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