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post #91 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Your entire problem is that you talk too much.

Talk less. Do more.
Without talking there isn't much you can do. There is no solid proof that there was a PA. It wouldn't hold up in divorce court as adultery. Yes I can file for divorce and not follow through to try and shock her into remorse but that's a last resort. If I push and push by doing something it'll only push her further away and nothing will ever be resolved. Splitting up or not, we're going to be in each others lives for at least 12 more years because of our son, and there's no reason there should be the same animosity and tension after a divorce that there was during our marriage

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post #92 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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certainly that might be a question to ask your wife....what does she constitute a PA and EA....that is where a lot of debate between couples start....kissing a friend on the cheek is considered...friendly...kissing closed lips and on the lips...touch and go...but if you are exploring their tonsils...then that is a PA or is all kissing considered EA...have you asked her? and have you told her point blank that any PA is automatically divorce?
Right, when I first confronted her she was apologetic. The next conversation was heated and she told me that she did nothing wrong, it was only a text. Since every conversation turned into a fight, I decided to let things cool down a little before we speak again. But yes, I want to hear her explanation of why she feels she did nothing wrong. It's the same as what I did when I had a EA, I know, she knows that I know, she put me through the same thing.
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post #93 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

There is nothing wrong with a conversation. When one side stonewalls or tries to bully the other, it is no longer a conversation. Be prepared. Resentment will cause that.

Good luck on your conversation. When does she come home?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #94 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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There is nothing wrong with a conversation. When one side stonewalls or tries to bully the other, it is no longer a conversation.
Which is why I chose to have a cool down period before the conversation. Worst case is we get divorced. Do I want that, no, but I am ready for that. But I'm not about to break up my family and throw away the last 15 years of my life basically on a hunch. That's not being gullible, nave or anything else. It's being level headed and realistic. Open ended threats, ultimatums or demanding she do or change something will only push her further away. If she really what's to fix things, she'll do it on her own, and there will be signs either way. My guard is not being let down at all, but showing her my guard is up won't make things any easier either. She knows me and she knows the way I am, she knows I'll be watching. We'll just have to see how it goes.
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post #95 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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I know she needs to make choice. I also know that I can't keep living like this. But there's still our son to consider. The last thing I want is him growing up without me around. If it wasn't for him, I'd most likely be gone by now
She don't need to make a choice.....You do!
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post #96 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Without talking there isn't much you can do. There is no solid proof that there was a PA. It wouldn't hold up in divorce court as adultery. Yes I can file for divorce and not follow through to try and shock her into remorse but that's a last resort. If I push and push by doing something it'll only push her further away and nothing will ever be resolved. Splitting up or not, we're going to be in each others lives for at least 12 more years because of our son, and there's no reason there should be the same animosity and tension after a divorce that there was during our marriage
Ah, the rationalization hamster.

It allows our fear to lead us to inaction.

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #97 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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Which is why I chose to have a cool down period before the conversation. Worst case is we get divorced. Do I want that, no, but I am ready for that. But I'm not about to break up my family and throw away the last 15 years of my life basically on a hunch. That's not being gullible, nave or anything else. It's being level headed and realistic. Open ended threats, ultimatums or demanding she do or change something will only push her further away. If she really what's to fix things, she'll do it on her own, and there will be signs either way. My guard is not being let down at all, but showing her my guard is up won't make things any easier either. She knows me and she knows the way I am, she knows I'll be watching. We'll just have to see how it goes.
No, worst case is not divorce.

Worst case is you continuing to share your wife.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #98 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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No, worst case is not divorce.

Worst case is you continuing to share your wife.
No, worst case is divorce. I've had and have been caught having an EA. I've caught her now twice, and I've caught her early on into them. I know the signs and I know what to look for, and even though I'm staying rational about it all, I'm not letting my guard down. If I find the slightest evidence of one again, there'll be no talking about it. That will be the end. We all make mistakes in life, some bigger then others. I've made mine and she's made hers. But not having any real evidence of a PA, jumping straight to divorce is tough since there are no legal grounds on emotional affairs.
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post #99 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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She don't need to make a choice.....You do!
I can't make the choice for her of whether she wants to talk about things or try to work them out, only she can do that. I've made my choice, it's either we talk about everything while being completely open and honest and we both actively try to work on things or we divorce. Those are her options and she needs to pick one. Sure talking and trying to fix things may still lead to divorce but only time will tell.
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post #100 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

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No, worst case is divorce. I've had and have been caught having an EA. I've caught her now twice, and I've caught her early on into them. I know the signs and I know what to look for, and even though I'm staying rational about it all, I'm not letting my guard down. If I find the slightest evidence of one again, there'll be no talking about it. That will be the end. We all make mistakes in life, some bigger then others. I've made mine and she's made hers. But not having any real evidence of a PA, jumping straight to divorce is tough since there are no legal grounds on emotional affairs.
Make no mistake; it is ongoing.

You are sharing your wife.

If that is a more acceptable outcome to you than divorce, nothing anyone says here will help you.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #101 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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Make no mistake; it is ongoing.

You are sharing your wife.

If that is a more acceptable outcome to you than divorce, nothing anyone says here will help you.
That's the thing, I know that the first one stopped. The number stopped showing up on her phone records and her data usage went back to normal. The second one was discovered just last week. Since the confrontation, her phone records have gone back to normal usage. I know the indicators, that's why I suspected and discovered the second. If it happens again, yes I'm done. The problem with divorce over a EA is there's no legal grounds for it and could cause issues when it comes to property and custody battles.
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post #102 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

as long as you do nothing...no VAR in her car, nothing she will continue, there is not line in the sand, there is only a small appeasement on her end that means absolutely nothing...your confrontation skills are weak because she stone walls you and diverts the communications...so again what are you waiting for? for her to stop...why should she, if she tells you its just a friend, then why hide the text...the only reason to do so is to keep the conversation between the two silent...at this point...call the wife of the guy and tell her your concern...that will blow up things fast.
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post #103 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

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as long as you do nothing...no VAR in her car, nothing she will continue, there is not line in the sand, there is only a small appeasement on her end that means absolutely nothing...your confrontation skills are weak because she stone walls you and diverts the communications...so again what are you waiting for? for her to stop...why should she, if she tells you its just a friend, then why hide the text...the only reason to do so is to keep the conversation between the two silent...at this point...call the wife of the guy and tell her your concern...that will blow up things fast.
That will also blow things up to the point of her completely shutting down. If that happens, nothing will be resolved or accomplished. There is already GPS on the car and has been for some time with no suspicious activity and I monitor her cell usage very closely. I know what's been going on, I've had my own EA and been caught. I know there are incriminating texts, either about the affair or about me and that's why she won't show me. But the fact still remains that out of everything I've seen, heard and whatever, there is no evidence of a PA. And as much as divorce may be completely warranted, there are no legal grounds for it. If I were the one to file then it's me wanting out of the marriage, which means my rights to property, custody and everything else drop considerably. At this point I need to just see what happens and how things go, play the game smart. All filing for divorce with no real proof and no mutual agreement from her will do is hurt me financial and emotionally because of my son, not to mention hurt him by putting him through it.
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post #104 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: need your thoughts

So what about placing a VAR in her car, if they are talking on the phone it will capture the conversations? let's talk about that potential blow-up, play it out here, she get mad that you talked to his wife and she decides to divorce you...so then your not the one getting out of the marriage....tell me something in yourEA did she talk to the OM husband ?

this waiting to see game is stupid and leaves your hands completely exposed, if anything you should be spending your time trying to grab as much evidence as you can, real evidence.
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post #105 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

[QUOTE=Xenote;17405586]So what about placing a VAR in her car, if they are talking on the phone it will capture the conversations? let's talk about that potential blow-up, play it out here, she get mad that you talked to his wife and she decides to divorce you...so then your not the one getting out of the marriage....tell me something in yourEA did she talk to the OM husband ?

this waiting to see game is stupid and leaves your hands completely exposed, if anything you should be spending your time trying to grab as much evidence as you can, real evidence.[/


They don't talk on the phone, she hardly talks on the phone with anyone, it's all text. The woman I had an EA with was not married, and when I was caught and admitted to everything I gave her the woman's name and email address. I told her to contact her if she wanted but she never did. And in all honesty, I'd rather have my hands completely exposed then tied behind my back.
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