need your thoughts
So about a year ago something felt off in my marriage. We had been going through a disconnect but things seemed to be improving. Then I noticed little changes in my wife's behavior with her phone. She was texting much more then she usually and never leaving the phone out of her sight. When I looked at the text log for our cell account I saw sometimes hundreds of texts per day with the same number, and not one i recognized. The texts would start from the time she woke up, usually the other number texting first, and would go until she went to sleep. I did some investigating on my own and found out who the number was. It was another attorney that I know she knew but didn't work with or close with. They practice 2 totally different fields of law but he was close friends with one of her bosses, which is how they met. Before all this happened she would talk about him and tell me advice he's given her as a young lawyer and would tell me about how they spoke from time to time and became good friends. She would also tell me about how her boss would be upset if he knew they were friends and it could jeopardize her job. When I first saw the texts, I didn't think much of it. They were normally during the day into the evening. As time went on they went through the weekends and holidays, literally all day. So after seeing that she texted with him all New Years Eve and a good part of Valentines Day, I called her out on it. She swore up and down that it was nothing and that they were just really good friends. I asked her to see her phone so that I could see what they were texting about so much. She flat out refused saying how her privacy was important to her and that some of the texts were about his personal life that I had no business knowing. Long story short I said some threatening things towards him, she told him that and he cut all ties with her. I told her that if this really was something innocent and he really is just a good friend then ask him if he'll speak to me so we can straighten things out. Again she basically refused saying that he won't return her calls or texts. Now knowing my wife and knowing this guy and what he looked like, I know nothing physical ever happened. That I know for sure. But it put a strain on things and the progress we were making improving our relationship. Fast forward now to last week. I've still been suspicious at times being that that last incident was never completely resolved. So when I went up to bed one night I found her sleeping with her phone in her hand and the screen still on. I took it out of her hand to put it on the night table and saw a texts asking how I was being. Taken back a little I looked at who it was from and wondered why she would be talking to him about our relationship. The guy was someone we both know but she has known longer. We play volleyball in the summer and he is on one of the teams in the league. Her and her friends had become friends with the entire team over the last couple years so it wasn't too out of the ordinary that she would be taking to him. But still seeing that apparently they had spoken about me at some point, I started to scroll though the conversation. In doing so I came across a text from him that was quite sexually explicit, talking about all the things he was going to do to her in her dreams that night. Her response, although fairly vague, was still suggestive. And just the fact she responded to it was disturbing enough. So I call her out on it and again she says it was nothing and just a vague response. Again I ask to see the phone and she refuses. And again it turns into a major blow out. She still swears that it was only a text and didn't go any further than that. From what I've seen there is a lot that says there is an affair, but there is also a lot that says there wasn't and it was only occasional texts. I scrolled some more in the phone and didn't see anything else like that or even really flirty even. Before I went further she started to move and I thought she was waking up so I put the phone down and it locked. We do and have a fair amount of problems in our relationship over the last 2 years. During talks / arguments about this current incident she told me how she does still love me and cares about me but can't find that sexual connection right now, I know, red flag. Things went back and forth between us ending no where but an argument. She still swears it was nothing more than texts, that it was stupid to do in the first place and feels she really didn't do anything wrong. Being that lately all of our conversations end in arguments, I wrote her a letter detailing all of our problems and what we need to do to at least try and fix them, as well as why thoughts, feelings and why I'm so upset about this. I ended the letter with how I want her to think about all this very seriously and we'll talk when she gets back from her trip, she's away with our son so I know she's not with the guy. At this point in our problems I have come to terms with if it's over, it's over and it's fine. I just want some kind of resolution to all this. My concern is the talk we're going to have and how to approach it in the most effective way. Like I said, if it's over than it's over, but getting a divorce really is the last thing I want. There is a young child involved, we do have a great family unit and I know it would be really though on him if we split. So I'm kind of on the fence on how to handle things.