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post #1 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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need your thoughts

So about a year ago something felt off in my marriage. We had been going through a disconnect but things seemed to be improving. Then I noticed little changes in my wife's behavior with her phone. She was texting much more then she usually and never leaving the phone out of her sight. When I looked at the text log for our cell account I saw sometimes hundreds of texts per day with the same number, and not one i recognized. The texts would start from the time she woke up, usually the other number texting first, and would go until she went to sleep. I did some investigating on my own and found out who the number was. It was another attorney that I know she knew but didn't work with or close with. They practice 2 totally different fields of law but he was close friends with one of her bosses, which is how they met. Before all this happened she would talk about him and tell me advice he's given her as a young lawyer and would tell me about how they spoke from time to time and became good friends. She would also tell me about how her boss would be upset if he knew they were friends and it could jeopardize her job. When I first saw the texts, I didn't think much of it. They were normally during the day into the evening. As time went on they went through the weekends and holidays, literally all day. So after seeing that she texted with him all New Years Eve and a good part of Valentines Day, I called her out on it. She swore up and down that it was nothing and that they were just really good friends. I asked her to see her phone so that I could see what they were texting about so much. She flat out refused saying how her privacy was important to her and that some of the texts were about his personal life that I had no business knowing. Long story short I said some threatening things towards him, she told him that and he cut all ties with her. I told her that if this really was something innocent and he really is just a good friend then ask him if he'll speak to me so we can straighten things out. Again she basically refused saying that he won't return her calls or texts. Now knowing my wife and knowing this guy and what he looked like, I know nothing physical ever happened. That I know for sure. But it put a strain on things and the progress we were making improving our relationship. Fast forward now to last week. I've still been suspicious at times being that that last incident was never completely resolved. So when I went up to bed one night I found her sleeping with her phone in her hand and the screen still on. I took it out of her hand to put it on the night table and saw a texts asking how I was being. Taken back a little I looked at who it was from and wondered why she would be talking to him about our relationship. The guy was someone we both know but she has known longer. We play volleyball in the summer and he is on one of the teams in the league. Her and her friends had become friends with the entire team over the last couple years so it wasn't too out of the ordinary that she would be taking to him. But still seeing that apparently they had spoken about me at some point, I started to scroll though the conversation. In doing so I came across a text from him that was quite sexually explicit, talking about all the things he was going to do to her in her dreams that night. Her response, although fairly vague, was still suggestive. And just the fact she responded to it was disturbing enough. So I call her out on it and again she says it was nothing and just a vague response. Again I ask to see the phone and she refuses. And again it turns into a major blow out. She still swears that it was only a text and didn't go any further than that. From what I've seen there is a lot that says there is an affair, but there is also a lot that says there wasn't and it was only occasional texts. I scrolled some more in the phone and didn't see anything else like that or even really flirty even. Before I went further she started to move and I thought she was waking up so I put the phone down and it locked. We do and have a fair amount of problems in our relationship over the last 2 years. During talks / arguments about this current incident she told me how she does still love me and cares about me but can't find that sexual connection right now, I know, red flag. Things went back and forth between us ending no where but an argument. She still swears it was nothing more than texts, that it was stupid to do in the first place and feels she really didn't do anything wrong. Being that lately all of our conversations end in arguments, I wrote her a letter detailing all of our problems and what we need to do to at least try and fix them, as well as why thoughts, feelings and why I'm so upset about this. I ended the letter with how I want her to think about all this very seriously and we'll talk when she gets back from her trip, she's away with our son so I know she's not with the guy. At this point in our problems I have come to terms with if it's over, it's over and it's fine. I just want some kind of resolution to all this. My concern is the talk we're going to have and how to approach it in the most effective way. Like I said, if it's over than it's over, but getting a divorce really is the last thing I want. There is a young child involved, we do have a great family unit and I know it would be really though on him if we split. So I'm kind of on the fence on how to handle things.

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post #2 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:43 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

She is having an emotional affair with this guy, Maybe physical not sure but definitely emotional.

In order to save your marriage she is going to need to be 100 percent transparent giving you access to everything at anytime, she also needs to stop talking to these men. If she needs to complain to someone about you then she needs to go to marriage counseling with you and clear the air there or sit down and talk with you about it.

I can tell that you are going to have a fight on your hands regarding her giving up transparency, as she baulks about privacy which when married you only need privacy while going to the restroom.



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post #3 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

I know it will be a fight, it usually is when I try to get straight answers from her. I did search out a marriage counselor last year that I thought would be perfect for us and help with our problems. We went to 3 sessions and then she said she wasn't going anymore because she didn't believe in it. Everyone else I've spoken to about all of this and our other problems have told me that I'm going about it the right way. Problem is it seems she doesn't want to commit to anything. After 13 years of marriage, 2 years of problems, only the last year being really bad, she still can't answer the question of if she wants to even try and work things out. The answer I get is "I can't answer that right now". Like I said, the last thing I want is to get divorced. I do still love her, I don't want my child to grow up without me in the house, and we do still work very well together. But at this point all I really want from her is either a yes or no if she wants to stay married.
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post #4 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:06 PM
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need your thoughts

I am very glad you found this place. The people here are awesome.

She is having an affair at least an EA with the attorney and i will bet my next paycheck that she is still communicating with him but took it underground. She is lying to you.

Unfortunately your story is not new. It's been post here dozens if not hundreds of times.

Fortunately your story is not new. Many here have lived it. On both sides.

The people here will help. Let them and follow the advice.
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post #5 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

There's no reason to argue with her. You will accept her cheating or you won't. It's not up to her. It's up to you. If she can't live with that you have your answer.

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post #6 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

So she had EAs with two different men?

This is not good.

Monitor her.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #7 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

I'm curious... didn't you post in another thread that YOU had an online affair?

Does your wife know about your activities?

If so, it's possible that your actions sufficiently damaged your marriage so that now "just chatting" is ok acceptable.

I mean if it was justifiable for you, it should be ok for her too, right?

If she doesn't know about your activity, isn't it hypocritical to hold her to a different standard?


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post #8 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:23 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

@AtMyEnd, what kind of a marriage do you have where both of you need to look outside of it for comfort?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #9 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

I did and she does know. When she found out I came clean. The affair I had online was with someone 1000 miles away from me, not saying it was right, but it happened. It was completely emotional and not sexual, she saw our conversations. I know that did damage to our marriage and she knows that I'm sorry and never meant for it to happen. I couldn't hide it as she hacked my account and saw it all. My issue here is that both times she's been caught all she does is refuse and deny, even when I've shown her that I have proof of it. Our marriage was improving over the last 8 months until this recent find. And one of the things that does throw me a little is I saw a text from a few weeks ago asking where he's been and she hadn't heard from him for about 2 months. That's one of the things that makes me think the latest may not be a physical affair. Yes what she did is similar to what I did, that's why I'm so suspect. But 2 wrongs don't make a right. I've made my mistakes, I've owned them, and I've been doing everything I can to make them right
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post #10 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:30 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

It would seem your marriage hasn't improved as well as you thought.

Read the links given previously.


"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #11 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

There was a disconnect 2 years ago, a major failure in communication. We basically "existed" together for a year. She admitted that she had made a conscious decision to just do her own thing and not worry about me, and I admitted that I built up a lot of resentment because I felt she wasn't including me in her life. We decided to work on our relationship but she still felt we drifted too far apart. My argument to that was how do you know how far you drifted if you never really talk to each other. The woman I had an online emotional affair with started out as us talking about my marriage and our problems. She offered a lot of advice and a lot of it helped. My marriage and our relationship were improving until she found out about this other woman. Yes I had feelings for her but my relationship with her still revolved around me talking and venting about my marriage
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post #12 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:38 PM
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need your thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
I'm curious... didn't you post in another thread that YOU had an online affair?

Does your wife know about your activities?

If so, it's possible that your actions sufficiently damaged your marriage so that now "just chatting" is ok acceptable.

I mean if it was justifiable for you, it should be ok for her too, right?

If she doesn't know about your activity, isn't it hypocritical to hold her to a different standard?


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Ugh.

AME, please don't leave out vital information. Your omission of your own affair is very telling.

Who cheated first?
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post #13 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

I read the links you posted, and thank you. Many of the ideas I have thought about. My big concern here is my child. The last thing I want to do is to hurt him in anyway. If it weren't for him I most likely would've left 2 years ago when things first started.
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post #14 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:40 PM
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Re: need your thoughts

I wasn't really justifying her behavior... just trying to get a better picture.

How did you reconcile after your EA? What did you do to show her you changed? Did you identify the problems that led to your disconnect and made you vulnerable to an affair?

I ask because my H had 6 month online affair ... I caught him and he apologized. We tried to R, but he never really thought what he did was that bad as it never went physical... his OW was also on the other side of the country. FYI that doesn't hurt less. He was willing to risk losing me for her no matter where she was.

Anyway, my point is that if you never fixed the original disconnect with hard work and just rugswept your previous affair, it kind of is a perfect storm for her to now be looking elsewhere.

You'll get good advice here on sleuthing, and when to confront. I will just that if you want to reconcile, the underlying issues need to be addressed ...probably in MC. But only after she ends her EA(s).


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post #15 of 161 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: need your thoughts

When she found out about mine, I told her everything. I told her that I never meant for anything like that to happen. I told her that there was never anything sexual about it, yes we talked about sex but not with each other. My wife had hacked my account and saw all the conversations, she knew what we had talked about. We talked about it over and over again and she said she understood. We basically started from scratch again. We basically dated. Everything that she ever said that I did that bothered her I made a conscious effort to change. Her and her friends all said to both of us how they all saw the changes in me. And now going through this with her for a second time, the couple friends of hers that I've spoken to don't understand it. They don't understand why she would do it. They've told me that I had become everything that she said she wanted from me.
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