Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 77Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1
Unhappy Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half. We have a good friend, "Bill" who we have known for a long time. Bill lives really close to us, and he is CONSTANTLY over at our house, which has been a source of arguments and frustration for us. My husband invites Bill over frequently, without discussing it with me first.

Normally, I wouldn't mind friends coming over, except for the fact that Bill is very loud, likes to drink, and never leaves. Bill is not currently working, so he will even come over on weeknights. Our house has very thin walls and carries sound, so when Bill is over, I get zero sleep (I wake up at 5 am every day for work). My husband and Bill drink, listen to music, and play video games all night and are so loud, that I just lay there in bed listening to them and can't sleep. It is the same routine every time...I get out of bed, and ask them to be quiet, and they say ok but then get loud again 20 minutes later. This is a normal routine that happens every night of the weekend, and sometimes on a weeknight. My husband also works, so I expect him to be understanding of me wanting to get rest, but he does not seem to get it.

In addition to the loudness at night, the lack of privacy and alone time with my husband at home is starting to get to me, too. Bill is over here all the time, so the one-on-one time with my husband is almost nonexistent. We have exactly maybe ONE "Just me and you" weekend night per month, and that is when I have to ask for it over a week in advance. If I don't ask for this in advance and give constant reminders, he will invite Bill over. Our sex life is in very rough shape. We also have sex exactly once per month, and one of the reasons is because I can't get my husband away from Bill and other friends. It is very frustrating because I am starting to become jealous of all of my other married friends who are doing fun things with their husbands, while we do nothing together. For example, today I was planning on cooking a lovely Sunday dinner and hanging out with my husband as we settle down and prepare for the work week. Instead, he decided to invite Bill over, so they have been watching hockey, drinking, and playing video games for the last 7 hours, and I have been sitting in the bedroom alone reading. This is a frequent occurrence- even this past Christmas, after the family celebration ended Bill came over and they played video games all night (until 7 am) while I went to bed and pretended not to hear them.

I have discussed my concerns with my husband frequently, but he does not seem to understand why I am frustrated. I will ask him "Can we please not have Bill over tomorrow night?" and he will say sure, but then change his mind and invite Bill over anyway. I am wondering if I am out of line and not complain about who my husband chooses to invite over, or how often, since this is also his house, or if I have valid concerns. I really don't think this is healthy behavior for a married couple, especially since this is taking a toll on our sex life. I am starting to feel like I don't own my own house anymore because I can't do things that most people get to do at home, such as walk around without a bra, watch what I want on TV, or hang out with my husband because we are constantly entertaining this guest in our home. I really want to be a person who makes everyone feel welcome in my home, but I also think there needs to be boundaries. I bring this up to my husband ALL THE TIME, and he says he understands, but nothing is changing.

Is anyone else in a similar situation, or does anyone have any advice to help us find a solution? Am I wrong here?

halloween1234567 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:01 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Sounds like Bill needs a girlfriend. Do you have anyone you can fix him up with?

How old are you and your husband?

"I am wondering if I am out of line and not complain about who my husband chooses to invite over, or how often, since this is also his house, or if I have valid concerns. I really don't think this is healthy behavior for a married couple, especially since this is taking a toll on our sex life. "

You are not out-of-line at all. Your husband is being grossly disrespectful of you. It's your house as much as it is his. Your needs should have as much weight as his. He's letting his acting like a single man disrupt your sleep. He's not spending time with you. And he's completely ignoring your sex life. What your husband is doing is wrong. He's putting a friend before his wife. Not good at all.

A marriage in which sex happens 10 or fewer times a year is considered a sexless marriage. If yours is not sexless, it's very close to being sexless.

You will need to get a lot more serious with your husband about this.

Are you willing to do what it takes to put a stop to this nonsense? What will it take? You are going to have to tell him firmly that either things change or you are filing for divorce, leaving, etc. It's scary, apparently he's not taking you very seriously right now.

So are you ready to fix this?
EleGirl is online now  
post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:04 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,452
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Bill is an idot as is your husband.

A lot of guys really need 2x4's to to back of the head. Bill being in the home non-stop is big stuff. @EleGirl is right it's 2x4 time, right now. If bill is in the house you need to stop reading this forum, get up tell Bill he needs to leave right now and say to your husband, you go with him or stay and explain right now why you should stay married to him.

You are about to become a WAW (walk away wife). Their are a number of threads where this occured. I don't have a link but others might. No adultery no emtional affairs, the wife simply packed a bag and left. Sometimes they told the husband they where leaving, sometimes left a note, other times just left the husband getting divorce papers in the mail.

Marriage builders, for one, has a lot of great ideas about how to create and build a marriage.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
JohnA is offline  
 
post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:50 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,682
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Tell him that 3 in a marriage is a no-go. He has to lose his boyfriend. Any guy who would rather play video games than make love to his wife is an outright loser.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:14 AM
Member
 
Keke24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Caribbean
Posts: 607
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

This is crazy. This was me in my very first serious relationship. Except it wasn't just Bill, it was Bill and 2 or 3 other friends and they weren't just over on weekends, it was on week nights as well. Video games and alcohol. It was a one-bedroom house. The noise was ridiculous. Zero privacy outside of my bedroom, I couldn't shower or use the toilet without walking through a bunch of idiots all over my house.

I joined them in the beginning because I didn't want to be seen as the gf spoiling her man's fun with his friends. But it just wouldn't stop! We were barely having sex and I spoke to him about it over and over again. Eventually I just gave up talking. We became roommates and he didn't even notice. The shizzle hit the fan when I came home after work and one of his friends had pissed all over the toilet seat. For some reason that just sent me over the edge. I packed my clothes up that night and walked out with him still sitting there playing video games with his friends. Of course he called crying and moaning about how sorry he was, he would talk to them about the noise blah blah blah. 3 months later is when it really hit him and he called to say how stupid he was, he had no excuse for why he was so blind etc etc. Uh bye, flips phone! No way I would ever, ever, ever put up with that again.

My bf and I were 19 at the time and I thought it was so incredibly immature. It is insane that a grown man is acting this way. I'd say its time to walk out, even if its not permanent.
Keke24 is offline  
post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2,317
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

how long have you been married?

after a number of years, many marriages go stale, become routine and boring if they aren't nurtured properly (and that means by both!).

the void created by the marriage going stale is filled with other non-spousal activities.........workaholic, bromances, hanging too much with the guys,
emotional affairs, et.

your husband is taking your marriage for granted and needs to stop the bromance and remember what he said to you on your wedding day.
jorgegene is online now  
post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:51 AM
Member
 
Spicy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Depends on time of year
Posts: 706
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Your husband is a moron. You are obviously talking to someone who doesn't hear or care.
Time to approach this from the other side.

I would say sternly to Bill, in front of husband with no forwarning the following.

"Bill, you need to go home. Don't come back unless you receive and invite from me. You being here all the time has ruined my sexlife, and almost my entire marriage. I'm not willing to throw my marriage away so you guys can play video games and act like 15 year olds. Please leave now so I can start working on my marriage immediately."

Don't go back to your bedroom. Walk to the front door, open it, and wait for Bill to walk out of it.

Your husband may be upset about you embarrassing him. If he throws a fit, open the door again and tell him to go to Bill and not come back until he wants to be married.

If you do this, your situation may have some hope.

Ciao,

Spicy
Spicy is online now  
post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:40 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
how long have you been married?

after a number of years, many marriages go stale, become routine and boring if they aren't nurtured properly (and that means by both!).

the void created by the marriage going stale is filled with other non-spousal activities.........workaholic, bromances, hanging too much with the guys,
emotional affairs, et.

your husband is taking your marriage for granted and needs to stop the bromance and remember what he said to you on your wedding day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by halloween1234567 View Post
My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half.
EleGirl is online now  
post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 01:43 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2,317
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

that being the case, only a year and a half of marriage is newly weds.

your husbands behavior is outside the norm for even guys and is much more characteristic of guys who have been
married for many years.

i don't get it. he should be enjoying marriage and not hanging out with his buddy. what's up with this guy????

i'm with the others, though. do not tolerate this!
jorgegene is online now  
post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 01:52 PM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,682
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Are you sure your husband isn't gay?

Blondilocks is offline  
post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 01:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,973
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

perhaps that is what you need to ask him....do you and bill need alone time, because i need that with a man, and if its not going to be you....maybe he will get the point than.
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:23 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,531
All you have to do is ask your husband if he would be interested in a threesome, you, your husband and Bill. Tell him since Bill is over so often you have grown attached to him and can't help but fantasize about him. Tell him Bill has been giving the look over so you know he's interested.
Cooper is offline  
post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,870
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

This is a trick I used in my dating days when there would be a cling on(friend of the girl I was with)who always seemed to be around.On the rare occasion that I could get my date on her own I would ask her "where's ****" .Then say is **** not coming around tonight,she's great fun.It worked every time.
If your husband gets even the slightest idea that you're attracted to Bill then he will soon get rid of him.If he doesn't then you have a gay or bi husband.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:44 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
This is a trick I used in my dating days when there would be a cling on(friend of the girl I was with)who always seemed to be around.On the rare occasion that I could get my date on her own I would ask her "where's ****" .Then say is **** not coming around tonight,she's great fun.It worked every time.
If your husband gets even the slightest idea that you're attracted to Bill then he will soon get rid of him.If he doesn't then you have a gay or bi husband.
This could really back fire. Her husband could then accuse her to wanting to cheat and all sort of things. Best to not go there.
EleGirl is online now  
post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:51 PM
Member
 
Keke24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Caribbean
Posts: 607
Re: Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
All you have to do is ask your husband if he would be interested in a threesome, you, your husband and Bill. Tell him since Bill is over so often you have grown attached to him and can't help but fantasize about him. Tell him Bill has been giving the look over so you know he's interested.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
This is a trick I used in my dating days when there would be a cling on(friend of the girl I was with)who always seemed to be around.On the rare occasion that I could get my date on her own I would ask her "where's ****" .Then say is **** not coming around tonight,she's great fun.It worked every time.
If your husband gets even the slightest idea that you're attracted to Bill then he will soon get rid of him.If he doesn't then you have a gay or bi husband.
Hilarious and genius! Muahahahhahahaha
Keke24 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My wife had an emotional affair w her female friend, a massage therapist losing my wife General Relationship Discussion 21 04-26-2017 02:23 AM
Wife cannot overcome my past relationship shadishuda Self-Help Marriage & Relationship Programs 19 08-28-2016 08:31 AM
Relationship is Over But Won't Mess Up Our Kids - Heartbroken and Looking for Help whatwouldyoudo Considering Divorce or Separation 11 06-24-2016 09:37 PM
Former friend doesn't believe infidelity took place alexm Coping with Infidelity 49 06-16-2016 02:25 PM
Upset at losing friend. He says he doesn't want to talk anymore rocknrolla General Relationship Discussion 4 12-02-2015 02:38 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome