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post #16 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Quite possibly she is an impetuous Child, I've considered that. Doesn't change my requirement to love her and not be a child back.

That being said, what would you recommend for a guy to do, to help her feel loved?

And BTW she's an immigrant and has only been in the states for 7 years. She speaks 7 languages, but hasn't mastered English... so that has to be considered.
What each person needs is different. Do you know what her love languages are?

This also may be an instance of cultural differences. In her culture, how do they show love? This may be what she is expecting.


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post #17 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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I've point blanked asked what I did wrong to hurt her feelings, to which she replied last night, "Not my job to tell you... google it." When I gently pressed for more assistance, she rolled over in bed.
Well that's ridiculous, you're a married couple for goodness sake, not in high school. She's acting like a teenage girl. You're not a mind reader!

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I think it's her way of hurting me. I have learned to just ignore it. I'm not here to disect her actions, but more on what I can do to help her feel loved.

I really need to have her read the "5 love languages" I know she keeps my cards, but she did tell me that the card I gave her for Vday wasn't good enough, because I bought a wordy one, and just signed it. She said that a true card has all the words written inside of it from the person, not the printed words. I learned my lesson on that one!!!
I am honestly gobsmacked by your wife's incredibly immature, bratty behaviour. It honestly seems that no matter what you do it will be wrong in her eyes, there's just no pleasing her.
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post #18 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Your wife doesn't sound sensitive, she sounds like a jerk. A pregnant jerk, but a jerk. You married a jerk. lol

I'm not very helpful, but pretending that this is about how sensitive women are, won't help you. Treating one's spouse like crap is emotionally abusive, and frankly...pregnancy or not, this sounds like what you're in, here. An emotionally abusive relationship.

Was she like this when you dated?

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post #19 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Your wife does sound hard to deal with. Too bad she's not here to tell her side of things.

I think that the two of you would benefit from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and do the work that they suggest.

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post #20 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Oooh, i've asked her. I am pretty attentive and can notice little shifts in her feelings. When i notice, I immediately ask what is bothering her.

I've point blanked asked what I did wrong to hurt her feelings, to which she replied last night, "Not my job to tell you... google it." When I gently pressed for more assistance, she rolled over in bed.

I think she gunnysacks a lot, and doesn't forgive easily. One little look can set her off, because she hasn't let go of the past hurts (Again, nothing outside of a normal healthy relationship. No cheating, no abuse, no screaming etc...)
Yes it is her job to tell you unless it is something unbelievably obvious.

It took me years to translate that one with my XW. It means that - she's now realized that whatever it was that she got mad about is so irrelevant that she knows she'll sound like an idiot if she says anything but hasn't thought up anything else that is plausible yet. It's a way to avoid saying "Sorry I was wrong, I shouldn't have flown off at you for no reason" which she would easily be able do if she really respected your relationship.

If she doesn't forgive and move on then you are going to have a real tough time of a relationship. How bad are the past hurts?

My ex-MIL used to regularly come up with a story about a mistake her H made while looking after the kids some 30+ years earlier. Yeah he made a mistake but dragging it up 30 years later shows a real problem.
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post #21 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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What each person needs is different. Do you know what her love languages are?

This also may be an instance of cultural differences. In her culture, how do they show love? This may be what she is expecting.
I haven't officially gone thru them with her, but I'd guess they are service and touch. It is a book we need to go thru together.

I need to do more research on the Thai culture... she has a habit of burning bridges with friends so i haven't had much luck learning through those yet.

I do know they aren't a cheating culture, and the women are typically very loyal, but with any culture there is no guarantee one is the same as the next.
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post #22 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Your wife does sound hard to deal with. Too bad she's not here to tell her side of things.

I think that the two of you would benefit from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and do the work that they suggest.
Yes there is always another side to the story...

She was saying recently that it was true what her friends told her.. once you marry, it's much different then being bf/gf. (She was married previously for 10 years but never loved him from a prearraigned marriage)

I asked what she meant and she said i wasn't the same as before... i tried to dig a little deeper and she said that i didnt care for her anymore.

I was shocked, slightly, as she always tells me is my fault. . But i didnt understand how i could love her more and more each day and not be shown to her.

Perhaps this is just a passing phase... i really just want her to be happy... Hence my requests for ideas from you all.
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post #23 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Your wife doesn't sound sensitive, she sounds like a jerk. A pregnant jerk, but a jerk. You married a jerk. lol

I'm not very helpful, but pretending that this is about how sensitive women are, won't help you. Treating one's spouse like crap is emotionally abusive, and frankly...pregnancy or not, this sounds like what you're in, here. An emotionally abusive relationship.

Was she like this when you dated?
Yes, it's emotionally abusive. But nothing i can do about it right now.

It's mostly my mistake really.. we only dated half a year when she got pregnant.. she had told me that her doctor had declared her infertile and unable to ever have kids... so i didn't track her period and use protection. Tada.. she got pregnant.. so i quickly proposed and we married.

She built walls prior to getting married yes... i just hoped that with our loving relationship it would get better with time.
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post #24 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:01 AM
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Your wife doesn't sound sensitive, she sounds like a jerk. A pregnant jerk, but a jerk. You married a jerk. lol

I'm not very helpful, but pretending that this is about how sensitive women are, won't help you. Treating one's spouse like crap is emotionally abusive, and frankly...pregnancy or not, this sounds like what you're in, here. An emotionally abusive relationship.

Was she like this when you dated?
Yes, it's emotionally abusive. But nothing i can do about it right now.

It's mostly my mistake really.. we only dated half a year when she got pregnant.. she had told me that her doctor had declared her infertile and unable to ever have kids... so i didn't track her period and use protection. Tada.. she got pregnant.. so i quickly proposed and we married.

She built walls prior to getting married yes... i just hoped that with our loving relationship it would get better with time.
I read the whole thread and this stood out to me. It seems so fishy. I think she is lying about being infertile to trap you into marrying her. Is she a citizen? Does she have a green card? How did you meet her? She was married for 10 years but only now realized that her what her friend says is true about bf/gf and marriage? No offense but I think you've got yourself a bad one. You married her way too soon. She sounds like she has many personality issues and also...everyone knows marriage is different from bf/gf stage. When you try to talk to her and she says "google it..". Are you fking with me?! How old is she?

Sorry to tell you this, but it won't get any better with her being this way. You only get better by communicating...who the heck thinks it's okay to tell your spouse to google it. I don't know, are you putting her on a pedestal so much and now she thinks she's miles above you, better than you so it's okay for her to treat you this way?

The next time she throws your gift in the garbage, let it stay there and don't ever take it back out. Stop enabling her childish and abusive behavior. You're going to lose yourself to this woman if you don't protect yourself now.

Last edited by blueberries; 02-21-2017 at 10:12 AM.
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post #25 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:03 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

I have a tendency to agree with Blueberries, something doesn't make sense and it appears she is leading you around by the nose and having very high expectations as to what you should be doing without actually letting you know. She is being super disrespectful and I think it is time you took her down of the pedestal you have placed her on, pregnant or not.

She doesn't sound like she is very young either so should be more mature about working on the communication in your marriage. It sounds like you pander to her quite a bit. I would suggest you sit her down and tell her how things are going to be in a loving way.

Tell her,
1. No more **** tests, if she is unhappy about something pouting about it will not solve the problem, to speak about it.
2. You expect her to respect you and not treat you like some sort of slave to be pushed around by her moods
3. YOu understand she is pregnant but that does not mean she can behave badly

are you the same culture as she? Is there an age gap between you?
You have to step up and lead the marriage, she is taking you for a ride.

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post #26 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:12 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Sounds like she may be projecting.

In other words, she says you don't act like you love her when actually that's how she feels about you.

Shat does SHE do to show she loves you? Concrete examples.

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post #27 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Yes, it's emotionally abusive. But nothing i can do about it right now.

It's mostly my mistake really.. we only dated half a year when she got pregnant.. she had told me that her doctor had declared her infertile and unable to ever have kids... so i didn't track her period and use protection. Tada.. she got pregnant.. so i quickly proposed and we married.

She built walls prior to getting married yes... i just hoped that with our loving relationship it would get better with time.
Always use protection - always. People lie.

Sorry you're in such a mess, but yea...sounds like you're too trusting. Prayers that you find a peaceful way out, because I don't see your marriage working.

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post #28 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

How long has this behavior been going on? If it's just started since she's become preggers, then maybe it'll get better after the baby is born. That's probably wishful thinking. . . .

I wish we had her side of the story because I find it hard to believe that she's acting like this for no reason (not to say that it's okay that she's acting like this). You two would probably benefit from marriage counseling. She seems to think that you should know what the issues are and you claim to not know what the issues are. So there are huge communication issues. It seems that you are also dealing with PA behavior as well. I recommend getting into counseling asap.

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post #29 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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How long has this behavior been going on? If it's just started since she's become preggers, then maybe it'll get better after the baby is born. That's probably wishful thinking. . . .

I wish we had her side of the story because I find it hard to believe that she's acting like this for no reason (not to say that it's okay that she's acting like this). You two would probably benefit from marriage counseling. She seems to think that you should know what the issues are and you claim to not know what the issues are. So there are huge communication issues. It seems that you are also dealing with PA behavior as well. I recommend getting into counseling asap.
Yes, I agree. I asked her last week about going to therapy with me, and she didn't say no, but was very wishy-washy. She feels she has clearly told me what I need to change in my life, and I just don't listen. I believe she is very good willed, but her past is haunting her. Her past is full of unfortunate happenings and abuse from BF's and MIL's... her mom died when she was 13, and then her twin sister was killed in a car wreck at 17... and my wife was the one driving. Her uncle/father were in LEO in Thailand and have a brute force way of dealing with problems... literally.

I believe that her heart is gold... she just doesn't know how to unpack it yet.

I've got a great marriage therapist I can see if we can get into... I was looking for a Thai/English one, but didn't have any luck in my city finding one.

Thanks for the encouragement.
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post #30 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Sounds like she may be projecting.

In other words, she says you don't act like you love her when actually that's how she feels about you.

Shat does SHE do to show she loves you? Concrete examples.
She cooks. She always keeps me well fed. I've put on 7lbs with her since she got pregnant!

She keeps the house immaculate.

She loves my family like her own.

She loves my daughters (10 and 12) like her own

She doesn't withhold sex... most of the time.

She dresses me with style

She keeps herself in great condition


I think i have had a small epiphony... everything she does is about serving, and not words. My primary love language (a 13) is words of affirmation. She always says that Words are worthless, actions speak. I tend to spout words of love, and she just doesn't need that. She wants actions (which I thought I was doing well...but obviously not well enough!!)

Little things set her off, like me playing a game on my phone after the girls are in bed or working too much. Or, a big wall-building time she had, was early on, she found a bunch of cards from my ex GF of 3+ years on my shelf in my office at home. I had forgotten they were there. I promptlly burned them to show they meant nothing to me, but she said she couldn't forgive me for not getting rid of them before. I had failed to go through my home with a fine-tooth comb before she moved in obviously! I quickly spend an afternoon scouring the house to ensure nothing was left from previous relationships...

I suppose I was a brute to leaving a stack of cards on my shelf... but you would think that burning them and apologizing would be a good step right?

This goes back to Actions. She has said, that a person gets 3 strikes. If they hurt the other person's feelings more then 3 times, they are out. I tried to reason with her that everyone hurts the other person's feelings at times, and that just wasn't happening, and it should be the good will they have toward the other person that counts. She has never apologized once to me, in our entire marriage... haha. The irony of it all.
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