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post #31 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

This tells me that she's either emotionally checked out, or doesn't know how to deal with communication. If it's important to you, I would keep trying to get her to talk, and if she doesn't want to, suggest marital counselling, perhaps?

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Originally Posted by MrNightly View Post
Oooh, i've asked her. I am pretty attentive and can notice little shifts in her feelings. When i notice, I immediately ask what is bothering her.

I've point blanked asked what I did wrong to hurt her feelings, to which she replied last night, "Not my job to tell you... google it." When I gently pressed for more assistance, she rolled over in bed.

I think she gunnysacks a lot, and doesn't forgive easily. One little look can set her off, because she hasn't let go of the past hurts (Again, nothing outside of a normal healthy relationship. No cheating, no abuse, no screaming etc...)


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post #32 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Originally Posted by MrNightly View Post
Yes, it's emotionally abusive. But nothing i can do about it right now.

It's mostly my mistake really.. we only dated half a year when she got pregnant.. she had told me that her doctor had declared her infertile and unable to ever have kids... so i didn't track her period and use protection. Tada.. she got pregnant.. so i quickly proposed and we married.

She built walls prior to getting married yes... i just hoped that with our loving relationship it would get better with time.
Yes there is. Make her realize that what she's doing is emotionally abusive and stop acting on it. Explain that if she tells you what is wrong then you can deal with it together, if she goes into sulks and "Google it" then you will make no attempt to waste your time and try and fix something that you don't know, and the next gift she throws away is the last one she gets.

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I think i have had a small epiphony... everything she does is about serving, and not words. My primary love language (a 13) is words of affirmation. She always says that Words are worthless, actions speak. I tend to spout words of love, and she just doesn't need that. She wants actions (which I thought I was doing well...but obviously not well enough!!)
Be careful here. When she won't tell you what you are not doing that she expects then what you do will never be enough.

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Little things set her off, like me playing a game on my phone after the girls are in bed or working too much. Or, a big wall-building time she had, was early on, she found a bunch of cards from my ex GF of 3+ years on my shelf in my office at home. I had forgotten they were there. I promptlly burned them to show they meant nothing to me, but she said she couldn't forgive me for not getting rid of them before. I had failed to go through my home with a fine-tooth comb before she moved in obviously! I quickly spend an afternoon scouring the house to ensure nothing was left from previous relationships...

I suppose I was a brute to leaving a stack of cards on my shelf... but you would think that burning them and apologizing would be a good step right?

This goes back to Actions. She has said, that a person gets 3 strikes. If they hurt the other person's feelings more then 3 times, they are out. I tried to reason with her that everyone hurts the other person's feelings at times, and that just wasn't happening, and it should be the good will they have toward the other person that counts. She has never apologized once to me, in our entire marriage... haha. The irony of it all.
Little things are called little things for a reason, they are pretty well insignificant. I loved with that for 18+ years, "Little things mean a lot to me" translates to "I give myself carte blanche to justify finding fault with anything and everything". The example you gave should have been done and over in a couple of minutes. "What are these?", "Oh I didn't even realize I had them ..... they're in the trash now".

The never apologizing is a huge issue on it's own. It shows that she either thinks she is faultless and has never done anything wrong or she doesn't have enough respect for you to say "Sorry". Either way that is a very bad sign for a relationship.
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post #33 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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I haven't officially gone thru them with her, but I'd guess they are service and touch. It is a book we need to go thru together.

I need to do more research on the Thai culture... she has a habit of burning bridges with friends so i haven't had much luck learning through those yet.

I do know they aren't a cheating culture, and the women are typically very loyal, but with any culture there is no guarantee one is the same as the next.

Maybe you need to buy her a new water buffalo.

AND...of course I'm just kidding y'all.

FeministInPink....its a joke...okay?
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post #34 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Or, a big wall-building time she had, was early on, she found a bunch of cards from my ex GF of 3+ years on my shelf in my office at home. I had forgotten they were there. I promptlly burned them to show they meant nothing to me, but she said she couldn't forgive me for not getting rid of them before. I had failed to go through my home with a fine-tooth comb before she moved in obviously! I quickly spend an afternoon scouring the house to ensure nothing was left from previous relationships...

I suppose I was a brute to leaving a stack of cards on my shelf... but you would think that burning them and apologizing would be a good step right?
I think the problem here is you are ***** whipped and don't know how to deal with a strong willed woman. That has now escalated and may be worse due to pregnancy hormones. I've got some buddies that are the same way with their wives. They know the correct way to handle it is to not tolerate the crazy from their wives, yet are seemingly unable to put that plan into action. One buddy in particular has a wife that frequently was acting crazy and when they visited and liked causing a bunch of drama. I don't do drama so I told her a couple years ago that if she can't control herself she wasn't welcome anymore, and the problems instantly resolved themselves when she is around me. I think I am the first man that has ever stood up to her in her life and she surprisingly respected me for it and agreed to my requests.
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post #35 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Maybe you need to buy her a new water buffalo.

AND...of course I'm just kidding y'all.

FeministInPink....its a joke...okay?
Hey, I have a sense of humor!!!

(And I did think it was funny. I know you well enough to get your jokes!)

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #36 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I think the problem here is you are ***** whipped and don't know how to deal with a strong willed woman. That has now escalated and may be worse due to pregnancy hormones. I've got some buddies that are the same way with their wives. They know the correct way to handle it is to not tolerate the crazy from their wives, yet are seemingly unable to put that plan into action. One buddy in particular has a wife that frequently was acting crazy and when they visited and liked causing a bunch of drama. I don't do drama so I told her a couple years ago that if she can't control herself she wasn't welcome anymore, and the problems instantly resolved themselves when she is around me. I think I am the first man that has ever stood up to her in her life and she surprisingly respected me for it and agreed to my requests.
I've considered this but i just don't see it working and here's why...

On vday she didn't get me a card or anything... granted, i had to work out of town that day about 3hrs away and i took her with me for the road trip. It kinda bothered me she didn't get me anything, as it was our first married vday. So as we pulled into the little town i had to meet my client in, i stopped for dinner first. It was the only restaurant in the area and as we pulled up, and i joked that at least on vday we get a cheap dinner.. lol... and she said it was a bad vday, and i said at least you got a card and flowers and this Jasmin tree she has been wanting... i then asked her why she didn't feel like getting me a card? She said, i didnt have to 'cause your ex gf gave you so many... when i firmly put my foot down and said, that's not fair. You can't judge me based on past relationships... and i didn't appreciate her disrespect to me.. she stood up and walked out before we even took a drink order.

Now this was a little town but i gave her a few minutes then walked outside to find her. I couldn't find her anywhere in the square... after calling and not picking up i got in the car to drive around and finally found her on a park bench.

She promptly told me she wanted a divorce.

That took several days to work through... but the putting my foot down only will make her run away. I don't think she wants a divorce but she truly gets her feelings hurt by anything and everything i say or do. I can't be forceful with her, or she'll run.
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post #37 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

"Wife, if the ways I am hurting you are not important enough to communicate directly, then clearly it is not important enough for me to google."

Then proceed to do less, not more.

When she loses her mind over it:

"When you can start to communicate your specific problems with me, I will be willing to listen."

You have married a pain in the ass.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 02-21-2017 at 11:33 PM.
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post #38 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrNightly View Post
She was saying recently that it was true what her friends told her.. once you marry, it's much different then being bf/gf.
Wtaf? Of course it's different!!! Omg...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrNightly View Post
.. she stood up and walked out before we even took a drink order.

Now this was a little town but i gave her a few minutes then walked outside to find her. I couldn't find her anywhere in the square... after calling and not picking up i got in the car to drive around and finally found her on a park bench.

She promptly told me she wanted a divorce.

That took several days to work through... but the putting my foot down only will make her run away. I don't think she wants a divorce but she truly gets her feelings hurt by anything and everything i say or do. I can't be forceful with her, or she'll run.
So you're prepared to spend the rest of your life with a woman who threatens you with divorce at every turn?? Every time you express something that she doesn't agree with??
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post #39 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:28 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Are you going to walk on eggshells forever?

Maybe the thing she is not telling you she wants is for you to grow a pair. She's constantly **** testing you and you are constantly failing.

Old me would have done the same at the restaurant, new me would order and enjoy dinner. You told her you didn't appreciate being disrespected and then she does more of that by getting up and walking out?

Gifts get thrown out? No more gifts.
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post #40 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

I think you have married someone that is extremely difficult. Her actions do not portray someone that has a heart of gold.

I'd be real tempted to turn the tables on her. 3 Strikes? You can come up with 3 examples very easily. 1. You were hurt when she abandoned you at Vday dinner. 2. You were hurt when she told you to "google" something instead of talking rationally to you. 3. You were hurt when she threw away your flowers out of anger & spite. 3 strikes, wife, so you're out. That's ridiculous BTW. She's going to end up alone & lonely if she continues this mentality throughout her life.

I recommend very limited contact with her until you can get into counseling with her.


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #41 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Originally Posted by MrNightly View Post
I've considered this but i just don't see it working and here's why...

On vday she didn't get me a card or anything... granted, i had to work out of town that day about 3hrs away and i took her with me for the road trip. It kinda bothered me she didn't get me anything, as it was our first married vday. So as we pulled into the little town i had to meet my client in, i stopped for dinner first. It was the only restaurant in the area and as we pulled up, and i joked that at least on vday we get a cheap dinner.. lol... and she said it was a bad vday, and i said at least you got a card and flowers and this Jasmin tree she has been wanting... i then asked her why she didn't feel like getting me a card? She said, i didnt have to 'cause your ex gf gave you so many... when i firmly put my foot down and said, that's not fair. You can't judge me based on past relationships... and i didn't appreciate her disrespect to me.. she stood up and walked out before we even took a drink order.

Now this was a little town but i gave her a few minutes then walked outside to find her. I couldn't find her anywhere in the square... after calling and not picking up i got in the car to drive around and finally found her on a park bench.

She promptly told me she wanted a divorce.

That took several days to work through... but the putting my foot down only will make her run away. I don't think she wants a divorce but she truly gets her feelings hurt by anything and everything i say or do. I can't be forceful with her, or she'll run.
Guys that are PW'd never see taking a stand as working. But, in fact, it is the only thing that works. I would NEVER tolerate a woman treating me the way she treats you. If my woman had a temper tantrum (you realize that's what she had, right?) and walked out on me I'd leaver it to her to come find me when she had calmed down and was ready to talk in a mature adult manner. I would have stayed and enjoyed my meal without her. The last thing I would have done is chased after her and rewarded her for treating me poorly. I just value myself too much to allow myself to be mistreated. Why can't you do the same?
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post #42 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Guys that are PW'd never see taking a stand as working. But, in fact, it is the only thing that works. I would NEVER tolerate a woman treating me the way she treats you. If my woman had a temper tantrum (you realize that's what she had, right?) and walked out on me I'd leaver it to her to come find me when she had calmed down and was ready to talk in a mature adult manner. I would have stayed and enjoyed my meal without her. The last thing I would have done is chased after her and rewarded her for treating me poorly. I just value myself too much to allow myself to be mistreated. Why can't you do the same?
Because i don't want to go through another divorce... and i want to raise my new daughter on the way in a real family, not a divided one again.
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post #43 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:11 AM
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I think you need to consider what kind of family life you will have with your wife. Sometimes, co parenting as unmarried parents is a healthier environment than as married parents.
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post #44 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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I think you need to consider what kind of family life you will have with your wife. Sometimes, co parenting as unmarried parents is a healthier environment than as married parents.
Understand that. I've done it with my two daughters.

I am afraid she will leave to go back to Thailand with my baby... shes threatened as much. I of course would have the courts intervene but there is not saying that she wouldn't run.

And, we really do have great days together... great days. Just when she is in wall building mood there's no way around it.
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post #45 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Yes, it's emotionally abusive. But nothing i can do about it right now.

It's mostly my mistake really.. we only dated half a year when she got pregnant.. she had told me that her doctor had declared her infertile and unable to ever have kids... so i didn't track her period and use protection. Tada.. she got pregnant.. so i quickly proposed and we married.

She built walls prior to getting married yes... i just hoped that with our loving relationship it would get better with time.
Sounds like you were bag and tagged. You swallowed hook line and sinker. I think she lied about not being able to get pregnant. O my word.

How long was she divorced before dating/marrying you?

You can not fix her. Do you understand. You can do nothing if she chooses to be unhappy. Some people are just that way.

You can be as kind and attentive as you want and can, but it will be to no use if she chooses to be the way she is.
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