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post #46 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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I've considered this but i just don't see it working and here's why...

On vday she didn't get me a card or anything... granted, i had to work out of town that day about 3hrs away and i took her with me for the road trip. It kinda bothered me she didn't get me anything, as it was our first married vday. So as we pulled into the little town i had to meet my client in, i stopped for dinner first. It was the only restaurant in the area and as we pulled up, and i joked that at least on vday we get a cheap dinner.. lol... and she said it was a bad vday, and i said at least you got a card and flowers and this Jasmin tree she has been wanting... i then asked her why she didn't feel like getting me a card? She said, i didnt have to 'cause your ex gf gave you so many... when i firmly put my foot down and said, that's not fair. You can't judge me based on past relationships... and i didn't appreciate her disrespect to me.. she stood up and walked out before we even took a drink order.

Now this was a little town but i gave her a few minutes then walked outside to find her. I couldn't find her anywhere in the square... after calling and not picking up i got in the car to drive around and finally found her on a park bench.

She promptly told me she wanted a divorce.

That took several days to work through... but the putting my foot down only will make her run away. I don't think she wants a divorce but she truly gets her feelings hurt by anything and everything i say or do. I can't be forceful with her, or she'll run.
Next time she ever does that, give her one. She doesn't care for you one bit.

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post #47 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Because i don't want to go through another divorce... and i want to raise my new daughter on the way in a real family, not a divided one again.
To late. The two of you are already divided by her own doing.
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post #48 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Understand that. I've done it with my two daughters.

I am afraid she will leave to go back to Thailand with my baby... shes threatened as much. I of course would have the courts intervene but there is not saying that she wouldn't run.

And, we really do have great days together... great days. Just when she is in wall building mood there's no way around it.
You need to get a court order in place to where she can not do this. With her threatening this before the birth, she will do it at the slightest provocation. Do not let her know or she will up and leave before the birth.
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post #49 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Next time she ever does that, give her one. She doesn't care for you one bit.
Wow. You have successfully demonized her.

I really think this is a case of she just doesn't know better.

She had no mother growing up and I don't think she realizes what she does.

I believe counseling is the best choice moving forward.

And she was separated 5 or 6 years before i met her. She was married for 10+ years. She had several bf after her divorce... several that cheated on her and one that beat her. He was thrown in jail.

Regardless, i don't want a divorce. I love her dearly. I just want to see if we can temper her reactions. And actually she rarely raises her voice, its the silent reactions.
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post #50 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Unfortunatetly, yes, that's one way she handles things.

Flowers, Pictures, Gifts she's tossed. I always find them in the kitchen trash and pull them out.

I think it's her way of hurting me. I have learned to just ignore it. I'm not here to disect her actions, but more on what I can do to help her feel loved.

I really need to have her read the "5 love languages" I know she keeps my cards, but she did tell me that the card I gave her for Vday wasn't good enough, because I bought a wordy one, and just signed it. She said that a true card has all the words written inside of it from the person, not the printed words. I learned my lesson on that one!!!

I'm not interested in dumping her or moving on. If this relationship doesn't work, I'm out of the marriage/relationship game forever... so I really want to find out what I can do better.
I'm married to one of these to and I know how much what she does hurts. She probably knows all too well that since she's pregnant the cost for you to divorce her has gone way up and you'll be unlikely to leave. Does she expect to stay home with the child? I'd guess that she's probably going to try to use her terrible attitude to get her way and stay home.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #51 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Wow. You have successfully demonized her.

I really think this is a case of she just doesn't know better.

She had no mother growing up and I don't think she realizes what she does.

I believe counseling is the best choice moving forward.

And she was separated 5 or 6 years before i met her. She was married for 10+ years. She had several bf after her divorce... several that cheated on her and one that beat her. He was thrown in jail.

Regardless, i don't want a divorce. I love her dearly. I just want to see if we can temper her reactions. And actually she rarely raises her voice, its the silent reactions.
I know what a f'ed up childhood is, been there done that. It doesn't mean I take it out on the ones I love. It made me into a husband and more important a father that would never put may family through such a hell.

Your wife is not young. This is who she is. You can love her with all your heart and it will not do you any good until she decides to love you back.

Yes you got married to quick. You were just starting to see the true her when she started putting walls up. I feel for you, this can't be easy for you. You can't make her love you. I hope she does in time.
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post #52 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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I know what a f'ed up childhood is, been there done that. It doesn't mean I take it out on the ones I love. It made me into a husband and more important a father that would never put may family through such a hell.

Your wife is not young. This is who she is. You can love her with all your heart and it will not do you any good until she decides to love you back.

Yes you got married to quick. You were just starting to see the true her when she started putting walls up. I feel for you, this can't be easy for you. You can't make her love you. I hope she does in time.
Not to try to compare by any means, but her mother died of cancer at the age of 13 i believe. She watched her mom pull out a gun and try to kill her father (missed his heart and landed a shot in his shoulder) when her mom found out her dad was cheating on her at an early age. Her twin sister died in a car wreck that my wife was driving at the age of 17. She was in the hospital for a month recovering, and didn't even know her sister had died until she woke up. Her mother in law almost successfully poisoned her to death an early age... she barely survived the hospital. Her father then "eliminated" the mother in law. Her dad was LEO in Thailand, and her uncle high ranking military. When someone didn't do what they wanted, including BF/GF's of sibling, they "Disappeared... permanently."

My wife is 32 years old. She pre-arraigned married off to a white guy from the States at the age of 16. She didn't move to the states until early 20's. Her husband basically kept her locked in a room. She said they had sex 5 times their entire marriage.

Her first BF after the divorce beat her. Literally. The cops found her in a closet about dead.

Her next BF cheated on her. As did the next one.

I was the first guy she ever fell in love with. She may be "Not Young" but she is very childlike in many ways. And she hasnít had a male role model her entire life. She worked 3 jobs and busted her way to where she is today.

She's anything but lazy. She just doesn't know how to communicate. Hell, it took a year before she stopped flinching when I reached for her hand.

I am not walking out on her. Everyone in her entire life has walked out on her. (Or she's driven them away...) She needs love. Not a tyrant.

Yes, she needs to learn to grow up and stop being a baby with her emotions, but geez, I was late 20's before I was even quasi-mature to talk with my mom without fighting! I'm only 35 now. Communication skills take time.

That's why I came on here, to ask for help from some of the other ladies about what would make them feel loved... not to bash my wife. I know the average situation would be to walk away... and trust me, I have done that with my 2nd. I just don't feel that this is the same situation at all.
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post #53 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:54 PM
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Just because you know where the mean and abusive behaviors come from, does not excuse then, or make them any less damaging to you.

You keep asking how to "make her feel loved" so that these behaviors go away. These behaviors are not going to go away (not without significant work on HER part after first realizing she doesn't want to react to life the way she does). Making her feel loved is not going to change her behaviors or reactions. I know you don't believe me now. All of the love in the world isn't going to change her.
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post #54 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

What I was trying to get across is that ones childhood is a mute point. People use it as an excuse for everything. The thing is you let what has happened to you control your future or you control it yourself.

She has chosen to be who she is today. This is my point. Do I feel bad for her, of course I do. Anyone coming up like your wife would get my sympathy, but I would be watchful for the emotional damage caused by it. I'm damaged goods from things that happened in my childhood, but it was my choice not to let it define who I am.

This gets back to your question of what you can do. You can do nothing but to be the loving husband you are. She has the problems and there is nothing you can do but love her like you have been. She has to change not you. She has to decide she wants to fix things. She has to decide to go to therapy and to heal. Bottom line is that this is in her hands and you can't do anything to change the way she is. She has to do it herself.

I believe you are showing her love and she is just refusing to see it. Or she has an off the wall idea of what love is. But with her saying that you changed after marriage this is unlikely. I do wish you and your family the best, just keep loving and go from there.

The thing with asking for a D. If you keep taking the punches with out standing up for yourself, she will lose respect for you. You do need to stand up for yourself. Chose your battles wisely but chose some battles to fight.
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post #55 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 08:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Just because you know where the mean and abusive behaviors come from, does not excuse then, or make them any less damaging to you.

You keep asking how to "make her feel loved" so that these behaviors go away. These behaviors are not going to go away (not without significant work on HER part after first realizing she doesn't want to react to life the way she does). Making her feel loved is not going to change her behaviors or reactions. I know you don't believe me now. All of the love in the world isn't going to change her.
Succinct and well taken.

I am keen enough to realize my actions won't change anybody. But, I am responsible for being kind and loving regardless of how I'm treated.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom, they are much appreciated.

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post #56 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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What I was trying to get across is that ones childhood is a mute point. People use it as an excuse for everything. The thing is you let what has happened to you control your future or you control it yourself.

She has chosen to be who she is today. This is my point. Do I feel bad for her, of course I do. Anyone coming up like your wife would get my sympathy, but I would be watchful for the emotional damage caused by it. I'm damaged goods from things that happened in my childhood, but it was my choice not to let it define who I am.

This gets back to your question of what you can do. You can do nothing but to be the loving husband you are. She has the problems and there is nothing you can do but love her like you have been. She has to change not you. She has to decide she wants to fix things. She has to decide to go to therapy and to heal. Bottom line is that this is in her hands and you can't do anything to change the way she is. She has to do it herself.

I believe you are showing her love and she is just refusing to see it. Or she has an off the wall idea of what love is. But with her saying that you changed after marriage this is unlikely. I do wish you and your family the best, just keep loving and go from there.

The thing with asking for a D. If you keep taking the punches with out standing up for yourself, she will lose respect for you. You do need to stand up for yourself. Chose your battles wisely but chose some battles to fight.
Spot on and lots of wisdom here. Thank you for your assistance, it is MUCH appreciated.
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post #57 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Well... sh!t has officially hit the fan.

A brief recap for those who care:

I was out of town for work in Florida Mon-Wed. Got an early flight home yesterday and came home. Wife was not there. She hasn't been working much, so I assumed she was just picking up a couple extra hours at the office. I picked up my girls from school, went to coffee with them as normal and came home. Wife hadn't picked up the phone or answered a text since I left, which was against what we had both agreed to.

Anyways, she comes in around 7:30pm and heads straight upstairs... i immediately jump up and run for a hug! She brushes past me. I ask where she was and what was wrong. She says shes tired and doesn't want to talk. I let it slide and go back to dinner and games with my girls.

The girls ask her to join us, I ask her to join us, she refuses.

I get the girls into bed and stroll into the room. She's sitting at her dressing table on her phone. I ask her what the heck is going on? She sais she has nothing to say. I promptly have a flash back on is this a hill to die on, and decide it is. I can't leave town and be ignored for days and then not even get a hug when I return. I tell her in a calm but firm manner that this childishness has to stop immediately!!!

She storms downstairs. I follow and she proceeds to tell me I'm a liar and cheater. I'm taken aback? Say what? She says she knows everything that I have been lieing and cheating on her? Increduiously, I ask for details please? She changes the topic and says I have hurt her. I demand that she goes back to the accusation... WTF? I tell her she has full access to my phone, my phone call list, online bills everything... and I would NEVER cheat on her. I haven't even talked to another woman since I've been with her. I asked her if she was seeing someone else? She says, yelling now, that NO SHE WOULD NEVER CHEAT... like my 1st wife. Then says, "I've told the guys no..." I was like huh? So you are talking to another guy? She won't answer and packs her bag and throws her ring at me, tears up my cards she had in her top drawer and leaves the house.

I didn't call, text or do anything. I left her walk.

I haven't heard from her in 3 or 4 days and unfortunately, I had to get on a plane this morning for Seattle so I won't be home again until Saturday.

She is done. She said she doesn't want my money, doesn't need my help and it's her baby, and the only reason she was with me was because I got her pregnant. Ouch.

Anyways... I have been surprisingly calm and collect today... I credit that to many things, among them the wise advise received here. If she can throw us away because of made up accusations in her head and hurt feelings, I can't do anything to save it.

Iím 40,000 feet in the air as I type, and yes, my life sucks. but I have 2 almost teenage daughters that I can give my energy to for the next 5+ years. And Hopefully I'll have a chance to raise my soon-to-be daughter as well...

I'm tempted to regress into the darkness that is creeping at the door telling me i'm an utter failure, but for now, I'm staying strong!
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post #58 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Of course we care. I'm sorry that this is happening. I think there's a possibility that . . .
1. She's the one cheating and is projecting onto you. or
2. She's just mentally unstable.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #59 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

I'm gonna go with #2. Although she has been keeping her phone turned over, close by etc, unlike previously. Signs that I took she was talking with her older sister in Thailand or friends locally. She hasn't/doesn't go out without me really. I'm guessing no to cheating. I think she might be getting woo'ed by many guys, as she always has. She's quite the looker and it's good I've never been jealous with her. I have trusted her 100%, as I thought she did me.

Anyways... I should assume she is going to go live back in her empty apartment for the time being. And just carry on with my life like nothing has changed?
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post #60 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:15 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

If you're not even home, I wouldn't be surprised if she cleans out the house while you're gone. She doesn't sound very rational.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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