Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Ok, this ones for the ladies (and gents if you wish... we don't really discriminate here!)

My wife (6 months pregnant) says that she can't feel passion, give kisses, etc because I have hurt her feelings too much in the past. We've only been married a little while.

Says I don't listen to her.

Says I don't care about her and her desires.

Says I don't try.

I realize that it might be the pregnancy speaking here, or perhaps I am an ignorant baffoon. I, personally, think I try very very hard. I don't get angry, I give her foot rubs nightly, I buy her cards and leave them around the house (She said to stop doing this!) I suprise her with flowers (When she gets mad, into the trash they go!) I watch TV with her for hours (I hate watching TV, but do this because she loves it) I help cook, I help clean, I do laundry, I work full time (She isn't working currently), I do the Ironing.

I'm confused. I tried to give her passionate kisses today and she said she can't kiss me deeply anymore because I've hurt her too much.

I realize women's feelings are more sensitive then men's, but what am I doing wrong here? Of all my relationships, I have never tried so hard to please anyone. I give her oral sex almost daily, and she doesn't ever return the favor (Maybe 4 times since we've been married.) She doesn't complain that physical is all I want, which I always think she'll say... so I don't get it.

It seems to be an emotional thing, but she builds walls that are getting harder and harder to scale!

Any input for a dumb brute here? What have you found that makes you feel emotionally connnected to your man when he does it?

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post #2 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 03:51 PM
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I had a similar issue with my wife early in our marriage as well. I thought I was doing everything right, turns out I wasn't but I didn't understand that. I backed off on a lot of things. I would still do them but much less frequently. It did make a difference. Don't let those walls she puts up get too high. My marriage is hanging on it's last thread right now basically because of walls that she put up and walls I put up because of it.
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post #3 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Have you asked her exactly how you've hurt her, and then asked what you can do to make up for it? Or are you just taking wild stabs in the dark regarding what you're trying to do to make things better? Is she being withholding or vague about how you've hurt her?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #4 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

Why haven't you asked her what is hurting her so deeply? All the stuff you are doing is nothing if you have done something in the past and have yet to acknowledge.


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post #5 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:01 PM
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Women are too sensitive, it might take a while for things to get back normal between you too but you shouldnt give up, you find out what hurt her most and try to fix the mess you made
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post #6 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

She throws your gift of flowers into the rubbish? I know there is a much bigger picture at stake here but this stood out. MrH's ex did this, sorry but I find that sort of behaviour to be "crazy making". I would flat out tell her that she has hurt your feelings by trashing a gift that you gave her with love.

I get the pregnancy hormones make women a bit unhinged at times but was she like this before pregnancy? If it isn't pregnancy related then you may well have stepped aboard the crazy train with this one. Time to sit down and tell her this needs to be discussed NOW and sorted out.
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post #7 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
She throws your gift of flowers into the rubbish? I know there is a much bigger picture at stake here but this stood out. MrH's ex did this, sorry but I find that sort of behaviour to be "crazy making". I would flat out tell her that she has hurt your feelings by trashing a gift that you gave her with love.

I get the pregnancy hormones make women a bit unhinged at times but was she like this before pregnancy? If it isn't pregnancy related then you may well have stepped aboard the crazy train with this one. Time to sit down and tell her this needs to be discussed NOW and sorted out.
I was thinking the same thing...I can't imagine doing something so cruel to my husband, no matter how angry I was at him...
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post #8 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Women are too sensitive, it might take a while for things to get back normal between you too but you shouldnt give up, you find out what hurt her most and try to fix the mess you made
Don't say this. It's a generalization and it's dismissive of all women, and it's an emotionally abusive statement. If a woman is hurt by your actions or by your words, it matters. It is important. It matters very deeply to her, and if you don't take her hurt seriously, you will soon find yourself without that woman.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #9 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
She throws your gift of flowers into the rubbish? I know there is a much bigger picture at stake here but this stood out. MrH's ex did this, sorry but I find that sort of behaviour to be "crazy making". I would flat out tell her that she has hurt your feelings by trashing a gift that you gave her with love.

I get the pregnancy hormones make women a bit unhinged at times but was she like this before pregnancy? If it isn't pregnancy related then you may well have stepped aboard the crazy train with this one. Time to sit down and tell her this needs to be discussed NOW and sorted out.
I agree. She claims that she's been hurt, but doesn't seem to care about her husband's feelings when she does this.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Why haven't you asked her what is hurting her so deeply? All the stuff you are doing is nothing if you have done something in the past and have yet to acknowledge.


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Oooh, i've asked her. I am pretty attentive and can notice little shifts in her feelings. When i notice, I immediately ask what is bothering her.

I've point blanked asked what I did wrong to hurt her feelings, to which she replied last night, "Not my job to tell you... google it." When I gently pressed for more assistance, she rolled over in bed.

I think she gunnysacks a lot, and doesn't forgive easily. One little look can set her off, because she hasn't let go of the past hurts (Again, nothing outside of a normal healthy relationship. No cheating, no abuse, no screaming etc...)

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post #11 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
She throws your gift of flowers into the rubbish? I know there is a much bigger picture at stake here but this stood out. MrH's ex did this, sorry but I find that sort of behaviour to be "crazy making". I would flat out tell her that she has hurt your feelings by trashing a gift that you gave her with love.

I get the pregnancy hormones make women a bit unhinged at times but was she like this before pregnancy? If it isn't pregnancy related then you may well have stepped aboard the crazy train with this one. Time to sit down and tell her this needs to be discussed NOW and sorted out.
Unfortunatetly, yes, that's one way she handles things.

Flowers, Pictures, Gifts she's tossed. I always find them in the kitchen trash and pull them out.

I think it's her way of hurting me. I have learned to just ignore it. I'm not here to disect her actions, but more on what I can do to help her feel loved.

I really need to have her read the "5 love languages" I know she keeps my cards, but she did tell me that the card I gave her for Vday wasn't good enough, because I bought a wordy one, and just signed it. She said that a true card has all the words written inside of it from the person, not the printed words. I learned my lesson on that one!!!

I'm not interested in dumping her or moving on. If this relationship doesn't work, I'm out of the marriage/relationship game forever... so I really want to find out what I can do better.
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post #12 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:46 PM
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Oooh, i've asked her. I am pretty attentive and can notice little shifts in her feelings. When i notice, I immediately ask what is bothering her.

I've point blanked asked what I did wrong to hurt her feelings, to which she replied last night, "Not my job to tell you... google it."
When I gently pressed for more assistance, she rolled over in bed.

I think she gunnysacks a lot, and doesn't forgive easily. One little look can set her off, because she hasn't let go of the past hurts (Again, nothing outside of a normal healthy relationship. No cheating, no abuse, no screaming etc...)
Your wife is clearly lacking in relationship skills. This is very immature. You're not a mind reader. How does she expect to have a healthy relationship with her husband if she won't communicate with you? You've married an impetuous child, I'm afraid.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #13 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies: Hurt Feeling - What am I missing?

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Your wife is clearly lacking in relationship skills. This is very immature. You're not a mind reader. How does she expect to have a healthy relationship with her husband if she won't communicate with you? You've married an impetuous child, I'm afraid.
Quite possibly she is an impetuous Child, I've considered that. Doesn't change my requirement to love her and not be a child back.

That being said, what would you recommend for a guy to do, to help her feel loved?

And BTW she's an immigrant and has only been in the states for 7 years. She speaks 7 languages, but hasn't mastered English... so that has to be considered.
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post #14 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:00 PM
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Quote:
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Women are too sensitive, it might take a while for things to get back normal between you too but you shouldnt give up, you find out what hurt her most and try to fix the mess you made
Don't say this. It's a generalization and it's dismissive of all women, and it's an emotionally abusive statement. If a woman is hurt by your actions or by your words, it matters. It is important. It matters very deeply to her, and if you don't take her hurt seriously, you will soon find yourself without that woman.
I agree with this, up to a point. As we found out in later posts, his wife may have some personality issues (when he asks what's wrong she won't tell him and tells him to "Google it").

Also, about taking her hurt seriously... I agree 100% if you are dealing with someone who is average in the areas of mental and emotional health and reasonability. Not so much if the person is broken and has personality disorders and the disorders are driving their "hurt feelings". Then, you can get into the area of enabling someone's emotional abuse of YOU due to their skewed, ****ed up, broken perceptions.
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post #15 of 77 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:03 PM
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Your wife is clearly lacking in relationship skills. This is very immature. You're not a mind reader. How does she expect to have a healthy relationship with her husband if she won't communicate with you? You've married an impetuous child, I'm afraid.
Quite possibly she is an impetuous Child, I've considered that. Doesn't change my requirement to love her and not be a child back.

That being said, what would you recommend for a guy to do, to help her feel loved?

And BTW she's an immigrant and has only been in the states for 7 years. She speaks 7 languages, but hasn't mastered English... so that has to be considered.
If you truly are not doing anything most reasonable, normal, average people would consider hurtful, then you are NEVER going to help her feel loved. Not if she has big personality disorders. It will be like beating your head against a brick wall. I know this because I lived it.

Last edited by Livvie; 02-20-2017 at 05:08 PM.
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