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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:04 PM Thread Starter
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Planning holidays, dates etc

I come to realise that my husband and I would do little except sit at home if I did not end up with planning holidays, going on dates to the movies, theater, dinner, meeting mutual friends, etc. He has booked (or his secretary did) one holiday at Christmas and booked a get away before that for us two alone, granted but I would wait perhaps once a year for that.

I work full time but see the burden falls on me. However, when it comes to planning golf outings my H is very good at that, even getting up very early in the morning to book a flight for him and his cronies before the crowd gets in or to go to his gym.
I have concluded that people expend energy in the areas of their lives that are a priority. Therefore I am not a priority or spending time together is not a priority. Therefore I am stopping all my planning activities except if it is for me and my girlfriends. I want to see if he notices.

It bothers me less though these days as I am busy, so I am just venting a little.

It;s not like I haven't mentioned this before. His response, you know I'm no good at planning, I will mess it up. He can plan golf though, so I think that is just plain bone laziness.

Ladies, does this happen in many of your marriages?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

I'm lucky to be married to the planner of all planners. I'm a planner, too, so you can imagine what our calendar looks like. And yeah, we have months planned in advance!

My suggestion would be, pick 1-3 things that occur at least monthly in frequency. Odo and I do dance lessons every other weekend, we have season tickets to the symphony (one concert a month), season tickets to a local arts program (again once a month), agility training with our dogs one evening a week. We also have memberships to art museums. He can't travel on planes so we make the most of local events. We both work crazy hours and I'm working an extra 25-30 hrs a week on my masters classes, so our schedule is packed but balanced.

We go out to eat before the symphony, so it's like a monthly date.

Planning ad hoc doesn't really work for us. We can be spontaneous if necessary but if it's in the calendar, we can consider it time already booked and uninterruptable.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

Ok, not married here. Been with my current partner almost a year.

Much of what we do is ad hoc. It's assumed that I'll spend each weekend at his place unless something else comes up, but we're flexible with that. If I have a day off work (holiday, etc), we assume the same. We always try to do something either Friday or Saturday night, and the other night we stay home. Again, we play it by ear, but we have a pretty regular activity for that weekend evening. About once a month, he likes to surprise me by taking me to my favorite brunch place where they have crab legs on the buffet. If we do something during the week, it's usually because I plan it or come up with an idea, but he's always game, and sometimes he comes up with something he would like us to do.

Vacations have been evenly shared in terms of planning, and we do much of the planning together. When we went to Savannah for Thanksgiving week, I did most of the planning--but he did all of the driving. He also has to arrange for a dog sitter, etc, so that's extra planning that he has to do that I'm exempt from. We were initially planning on going to Mexico, but that didn't work out for external reasons--I was taking care of the hotel, etc b/c it was my vacation share, but he was taking care of the airfare, and we checked in with each other on pretty much everything.

He's kind of a homebody. He jokes that I drag him out of the house and make him do fun things. I don't mind making more of the plans than he does, or putting more effort into planning, because that's just the way that I am. As long as he joins me and is in pleasant spirits, I don't mind--I'm just happy that we're doing it together. (He does get grumpy when traveling sometimes--he doesn't really like traveling. He did NOT like the fact that I needed a pee break every 1.5-2 hrs on the drive to Savannah, but he did is best not to complain!)

I hope that this stays consistent and doesn't change as we're together longer.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

It happens to men in marriages too. I have to arrange all the joint travel. But wife is traveling with just her BFF next month and suddenly she can book resort, flight, and airport shuttle all by herself. WTH?
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:34 PM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

You have concluded correctly...
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 02:19 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

We plan most things together unless it is a surprise for the other. Our Anniversary we take turns each year to plan.

Our lives are very busy and the first half of this year is quite booked up with events, concerts, 2 weekends away etc. We both like going out to dinner so we try to go once a week at a bare minimum, that is rarely planned but more of a spontaneous thing. It seems to work for us, it's a good team effort and probably works well because we share very similar hobbies and interests. He does play his sport one night a week so that is my "me" time
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:46 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

Maybe your husband doesn't enjoy the activities you plan, or the way you plan them. I was like that with my ex, I am very good at planning and coordinating things, yet when I would make plans she would always alter those plans. A dinner with another couple turned into a cookout for 30 people at our house, a family vacation to the mountains would get flipped around to a beach vacation because that's what her family wanted to do, even though they weren't included in my original plan. Everything turned into a big ordeal. Eventually I just stopped planning anything.

My hobby is long distance bicycling, when I plan a bike trip it's simple, call a buddy, "hey you want to go?", him; "I'm in, where we going?". Same as planning a golf outing, "6:00 AM tee time, you in?" "yep"

OP there seems to be a disconnect in what you want and what he wants. Have you truly talked this issue out?
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:49 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

I have to do all the planning here for all events. I plan all our family vacation, romantic get aways, children's birthday parties..etc. I know he would do it if I told him to, but there would not be much thought put into it and it would all be planned last minute.

I have been doing less over the last few years and getting him to do more as I work more than him, so I may end up putting all vacations on him this summer and see what happens. I put him in charge of getting his parents a gift for Christmas last year and he got a gift certificate on Christmas Eve on his way home from work, so I must say my faith in his planning abilities are limited. He might surprise me though, we will see.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

It's two months later and I have been overseas on two (his work related ) trips and had a great time. His secretary booked everything We really enjoyed the time together.

I broke my self promise and planned something recently , he was in and requested that the trip include nine holes on the golf course, I wanted to go sight seeing but told him he could go golf. However he then remembered he had a golf tournament that weekend, (for real I forgot about it too).

Am frustrated as I feel I am not really a priority in his life, work, golf, meetings, business plans, inlaws, everything else comes first.
However, I am heading home for over three months later in the year (work and sick relative) , so we will see what that will do for our marriage. I should have done this last year but I kept thinking it was unfair of me. I now know he would do it in a heart beat. I have a feeling it will show me that I can live without him (he may well discover the same).
That niggles at me but I no longer have the gut wrenching pain I used to have when I thought about us not being together anymore. I guess that is progress.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:09 AM
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Alll the time. My H leaves all the family stuff to me. He loves to hunt, that he plans in under 15 mins. But in all fairness, at times he did try to plan trips for us but i was always disappointed with his plans. I guess he gave up. I happily make the plans although i some times get disappointed by his apparent laziness.

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

It is just the opposite in our marriage. Our situation: married 12 years, kids 6 months, 16 months, 3 years. I'm a SAHM, my H travels a LOT. He makes plans all the time while he is away, gets home and his way of "discussing" is telling me "I figured we would do this, this, and this: you game?" He does not realize what it takes to haul around 3 kids that need nursing, diaper changes and naps. He just wants to be with his kids when he is home, visit family and friends and generally get out of the house.

He takes it in stride when an outing turns out to be a disaster. I have told him if he would just text me I can look into what he wants to do and plan things. He says ok but never does. I have just learned to go with the flow.

Aine I'm not on TAM too often (I got kids!) so I'm not familiar with your story but wondering if it's other stuff too and his not planning just adds to It? Because I guess from your OP I wouldn't conclude that you are not a priority especially if he is willing to go along with your plans. Maybe there's just certain stuff he likes to plan?
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 06:13 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

Originally Posted by aine View Post
It's two months later and I have been overseas on two (his work related ) trips and had a great time. His secretary booked everything We really enjoyed the time together.

Am frustrated as I feel I am not really a priority in his life

These conflicting statements don't compute with me.

Although I acknowledge most of us are walking contradictions.

How did it come about that you went on the work trips with him and what was enjoyable with your time together?

What does being considered a priority look like to you?

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 06:25 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

I'm a planner at heart... love organizing things. I'm more likely to arrange and plan things for us, come up with surprise ideas, because I enjoy doing it and he's into it. Other times, we'd generally plan together. Friends also know I get a kick out of hosting, I consider the details; in a strange way there's a pride I take in putting together elements of an experience. It's not something I could consistently do if I didn't genuinely enjoy it and embrace it as part of my personality. I love that he's open and flexible to roll with things.

My husband did plan a trip for us (more for me), that I wasn't involved with at all. I just showed up, he'd planned all the details, it was bloody fantastic! Being on the receiving end of the planning, I could understand the appeal of leaving it to the other person, especially when it's done so well..!

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

I don't know that I would put a lot of stock into just this one thing. Some people are planners and others are not. Some over plan like me. Our Trip to Ireland last year had about as much planning as the d-day invasion all done by me. It's not that my GF doesn't care it's just planning isn't her thing, she would rather just go and enjoy and she has seen all I do so knows the reward. My type A over the top has its advantages after all.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Planning holidays, dates etc

I have planned nearly every trip we have ever taken.

Then, last year, my husband wanted to do a trip around a cycling race.

What a switch! A few days before we left, he mentioned that he had scouted out some restaurants in the area I might like. What? That had never happened before.

It was a great trip. All I did was pack some clothes for the kids and me and get in the car. He handled everything from there.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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