General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is my first post, and the support and good advice I read on the forum gives me the courage to confide here.
I've had a terrible, depressing marriage for 12 years, and thankfully, it's coming to an end. My wife has been manipulative and deceitful all through. We'll be divorced in a couple of months from now. I'm male, 49. All the stress of the break-up cost me my job, but I'm in the process of getting another.
I've known this other girl, 29, for six years. She is a divorcee. We share a warm friendship that has never been physical. She had once asked if I'd like to marry her. I was then still trying to repair my marriage, since we have a teenager son, and so didn't respond positively to her proposal. She has since been through another engagement and break-up. She tells me everything, including who she has a crush on and what she is up to, and her faith in me is touching. I enjoy every moment I spend with her, and miss her badly on the days we don't chat.
I now want to marry her. I've hinted as much to her but she says she's not sexually attracted to me. However, she enjoys talking to me for long hours, and when we sit in the car chatting, sometimes holds my hand tenderly! Also, could it be the age difference that's bothering her?
Is there anything at all I can do to make this friendship turn to love? She has now moved to another city, but we are in touch almost every day over mail, phone, and Skype. Any help appreciated.
Slow down. You are just getting out of a bad relationship. Don't even think about marriage until your psyche has processed all that you are going through. Get to know other women. Your age differences will not certainly help and the lack of sexual attraction would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
Run in the other direction! She's too young for you, doesn't find you attractive and is not a suitable marriage partner. Try finding someone your own age who can relate to you as a partner, not as a father figure.
I disagree, problem is, she views you as a father figure, mentor, not lover I would guess. Be careful, problem is, it is very difficult for you. You obviously have feelings that transcend hers. You will likely get hurt if she does not have the right feelings for you. Believe me, it is brutally painful.
I disagree, problem is, she views you as a father figure, mentor, not lover I would guess. Be careful, problem is, it is very difficult for you. You obviously have feelings that transcend hers. You will likely get hurt if she does not have the right feelings for you. Believe me, it is brutally painful.
i agree.
i think you are reading too much into the relationship she sees with you.
she obviously was joking about the getting married thing.
She has since been through another engagement and break-up. She tells me everything, including who she has a crush on and what she is up to, and her faith in me is touching.
It's nice to be wanted, but this woman has issues. She's 29, been divorced, engaged, broke off the engagement, and now tells you about her "crushes." You need time to decompress. What you are feeling is just that - a feeling. And it's most likely motivated by feeling lonely and unwanted for so long.
Not a good reason to marry anyone at this point; even a woman with less "activity" in her life than this one.
Never, ever marry a person who says they are not sexually attracted to you. The lack of attraction will be worse after marriage. Sounds like she does not love you as a marriage partner.
Thanks for all the wise, thoughtful advice. Some things, such as the age difference, ought to have been obvious to me, but then, the friendship has been so sunny, cheerful and uncomplicated that I guess I tend to overlook it.
In six years, also, we've never quarreled or had even a minor misunderstanding. She has, as I said, mooted the idea of marriage, which set met thinking; she had also advised me to get out of the miserable marriage I was in. I knew my marriage was dead, but was worried about many things. Add to that a job that sapped all my energies, and I was in no position to think clearly and walk out. Our unconditional friendship seems to have spoilt me, and I realise I've spent more time with her than with anyone else in the last few years!
In any case, thanks for all the insights. They help me view my own feelings with more objectivity.
How can you have decided that you "want to marry" a woman you aren't even in a relationship with? Don't you think you should have a relationship first, and see how that goes, and if after some time together you are in love with each other, THEN you decide to marry her? It seems to me that you are approaching this completely backwards. Choosing a wife and THEN trying to have a love relationship. It works the other way. First the love relationship, THEN the thoughts of marriage.
You are obviously in a huge hurry and cannot think clearly. A healthy loving relationship that eventually might lead to marriage is a good goal - but make sure your head is in the right place first.
I think it is best to give up this friendship. The age difference does not even figure in this. The most important aspect of the relationship is that it takes away your ability to heal from a bad marriage, to work on making yourself into the man you want to be for your next relationship.
Right now you need support and IC to help you with those difficult tasks. It is normal to seek solace in a new relationship to validate your self worth. This hoped for romance has nothing to do with your worth nor was your marital problems..
It does say something about your radar. You picked the wrong person for a wife two times. There is nothing wrong with you but something is way off with the picking mechanism on your radar. Fix it so that you select someone who will love you as you love them. I think you can only do that with help.] Posted via Mobile Device
It is much easier for women to be "just friends" than it appears it is for men. She has told you she is not sexually attracted, I would take her word for it, the fact she tells you about all of her crushes and breakups, it is like you are a fill in Girlfriend for her.
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In six years, also, we've never quarreled or had even a minor misunderstanding
I don't think this means anything, people madly in love have conflict once in a while, so do good friends, it is geneally a sign of being very very close, and each is expressing how they truly feel.... which isn't always the same.
What is going to happen here is this- she is going to break your heart and rip it into shreds when she finds another man, and he won't like the friendship and she will have to end it, so best you do this on your own as she has already let her feelings be known, you need to protect yourself.
No. You can't "do anything" to make her fall in love with you. Just as you can't "Make" anyone do anything.
She has already told you she isn't sexually attracted to you. That asys it all. Don't try to make a relationship out of something that it's not.
Say you did marry her, you would not be happy because she isn't attracted to you. So you would be fawning all over her and she would not be satisfying you in that way, and in turn, she would not be satisfied herself.
49-year-old in love with a 29 year-old 
