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post #31 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

Why would you want to go on a date night with this woman? Your marriage seems awfully similar to my train wreck of a marriage that lasted 8 years. It was never good, even before the marriage. I somehow had 2 kids with her and was trapped until the youngest hit 4 years old. Then I bolted and cheerfully pay her child support each month. I cheerfully gave her the house and everything in it. I just wanted out and to give my kid's the best outcome possible.

Whatever you do... DON'T have another kid with her. Once your boy hits 5 years old and is in school 5 days a week, it will be much easier to leave. Start detaching and doing things that make you happy. Eat healthy, drink healthy and hit the gym. Get yourself in the best shape of your life. Start seeing a therapist. This marriage won't last, you know it right now. You just aren't at the point of ending it and splitting up everything, including your son. It sounds like you're getting close though. You're starting to get mad. You're starting to not care. Before you were a doormat doing whatever to keep your perfect little family together and sleep in your own bed. But you are now seeing who she really is and you never had a chance of having a happy marriage. You'll come to peace knowing that you'll lose half your crap and see your son 50% of the time in return to have a happy and content life again. You'll realize that living with this woman another 15 years until your son graduates high school will waste the prime years of your life and you'll have major regret.


Last edited by GuyInColorado; 02-28-2017 at 01:24 PM.
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post #32 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

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Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
I don't think you should have gone out to get ham, especially after everything else you did today. I'm sure there are other things you could have eaten for dinner, even just... Oatmeal or anything else you had in the house.
Absolutely make her go out and get the ham, and if she gets pissed, so what. For awhile I would go out of my way to deliberately not do what she asks. I think I would also start the process of filing. This marriage is going nowhere fast.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #33 of 39 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

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Originally Posted by Dragon72 View Post
Thanks for your recommendations.

I tuck my son into bed every night and read him a story. It's just that my wife is there next to him too.

I think I will try a date night. My wife has said no to every suggestion that we go out as a couple in the evening together. She doesn't like the idea of leaving our son with someone at night.

The only time it has happened was when we went to a dinner party with her friends and their partners. Our son spent his first whole night away from us.

When we went to bed that night with just the two of us in the house for the first time in 3 years since our son's birth, I was the first in bed while my wife was still finishing up in the bathroom. I was so excited that I would finally have her beside me for a night. When she came out of the bathroom, she stood in the bedroom doorway, blew me a kiss and went to sleep in our son's room. I was devastated.
Seriously??!!!

Dragon, she is NOT in love with you. She doesn't love you anymore!!
What respectful/loving wife treats her husband like she does with you? What loving wife never sleeps in bed with her husband?

She's either emotionally attached to another man (that you're not aware of while away..) or she simply doesn't romantically/sexually love you.

From your posts, we can tell you STILL are serving her as if you are her puppy.
How can you put up with her orders?
Don't allow her to treat you like a 4 year old kid! Because she treats you like that and you allow it, obviously she will not respect and love you!

Man up, stay firm to your beliefs, speak your mind, don't obey to her rules and you MIGHT notice any change..although it's difficult with how things are going.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #34 of 39 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

Thanks @lovelygirl

I think sometimes I need someone to hold a mirror up to look at myself from another's perspective. You're right it's a dreadful state of affairs. I think you're right in doubting that there's any salvation here, and I don't think I'm just being a quitter by saying that.

I am coming to the realisation that she hasn't cared for me as a person very much for a long time. Perhaps ever.
The trouble with people with BPD is that they are very good at crushing any sort of resistance. They are bullies who tend to get their way. But I'm not blameless either. The codependent types like who the BPDs tend to hook up with are so desperate to please that we'll take all sorts of emotional manipulation, exploitation and abuse. Healthy people would have walked away long ago.
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post #35 of 39 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

It's really time to have the talk. No more door slamming, power plays, passive-aggressiveness. Tell her you'd like to talk with her and carve out some time. Tell her exactly how you feel and that she's not really a wife to you anymore. Tell her that you're not sure how long you can continue in a marriage that's not even a friendship.
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post #36 of 39 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

I'm going to give it a try, but I think I will wait until after her birthday which is on Sunday.

I have organised a party for her with her brothers and sisters and their families and I think it would be best for us not to do it right before that.
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post #37 of 39 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

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I'm going to give it a try, but I think I will wait until after her birthday which is on Sunday.

I have organised a party for her with her brothers and sisters and their families and I think it would be best for us not to do it right before that.
Very thoughtful of you. Why do I get the impression, from reading this thread, that your wife would never bother to organize a similar party for you?
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post #38 of 39 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Zero intimacy in our marriage

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Very thoughtful of you. Why do I get the impression, from reading this thread, that your wife would never bother to organize a similar party for you?
You see, the weird thing about this whole situation is that two weeks ago it was my birthday and she did organise a get together for my birthday, albeit smaller scale with some of her family. She even bought me a present: a shirt. Go figure.

It's a marked improvement from Christmas when her present to me was telling me to choose for myself something and buy it with my own money. She also told me not to buy her a present and that she would be needing money for her to buy her own self a present "from me" which she would choose.
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post #39 of 39 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 10:18 PM Thread Starter
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Nice to see my wife did most of the ironing today. It's normally me that does it.

She did leave about a third of it un-ironed. Oh what a surprise! My clothes.
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