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An old email account

6K views 49 replies 32 participants last post by  Hopeful Cynic 
#1 ·
So I did a google search on my wife's primary user name and discovered she had an old yahoo mail account. It was no problem gaining access to the account. Looks like she hadn't used it in some time. Inside were folders of emails mostly about clothes and bills. But two folders stood out - pictures and dating. I looked through the pictures folder. There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.

The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.

How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!
 
#4 ·
This was long before you ever set eyes on her and got to know her! You weren't even a blip on her radar screen then!

Deactivate the account and live the loving life that you have with her now! Looking at historical photos from her past can do you absolutely no good! It would be tantamount to her looking at pics of you and your old love interests!

Forget about it! You don't own her past!
 
#7 ·
If you always look for suffering... you will always find it.

Simply

Stop
 
#8 ·
I kind of get what you're thinking. My fiance dated a number of guys since her divorce in 2010. I can go on Facebook and see a couple pics of her with these guys. I search for their name and the pics come up because other friends of hers have the pics tagged from years ago. She's not friends with them on FB and they still show up.

I don't get upset about it. I did however keep looking at them early on in our relationship and wonder how I stacked up. I came to the realization that those relationships were a long time ago and they ended. In fact all of them ended on her part because they guys ended up being a-holes. She is with me and I have no jealousy issues. Just part of life. As long as she wants your d!ck and no one else, you have nothing to worry about!
 
#10 ·
Well..you already knew she had had other men before you even came along...so why is it bothering you so much now?
It's not like she lied by telling you that you were her one and only partner, right?
So you went into this marriage already knowing about her past (I guess).

I also understand that imagining the past and actually seeing pictures from her past are two different things which lead to 2 different emotional states. But I'd suggest you delete that account and time will heal and erase the (irrational) anger that you feel now.
 
#12 ·
Why were you Googling her username in the first place? That's an odd thing to search, unless you were purposefully looking for something like what you found.

Anyway, this is called retroactive jealousy, and it's not uncommon. Many people, myself included, had or have some form of this. There's not a whole lot of people out there who WANT to see their partners with other people, regardless of how far in the past it was.

But to paraphrase Buddhist - you go looking for trouble, you'll find it. In this day and age of virtually anything available at your fingertips, it's not difficult to find and see things you really don't want to. So don't go looking.

When I went through a bout of this a few years ago, people on TAM really gave it to me - and for good reason. My story wasn't the same as yours (I didn't go looking for anything...) but what I did see made me feel similar to how you're feeling. Not suicidal, but it weighed on my mind for longer than it should have.

Keep this in mind - you've had girlfriends (and maybe a wife?) before. You weren't some innocent virgin when you met her. Neither was she. You no doubt have times where you recall a former girlfriend, maybe even fondly. Maybe you remember what she looked like naked, or how good the sex was with her. Or simply some happy moments. We all do it. Your wife dated other people. So did mine. Your wife was on a dating site. So was mine. She went on dates, she had casual sex, she had children with another man. She did all kinds of things. So did I. So did you. So did your wife.
 
#13 ·
So I did a google search on my wife's primary user name and discovered she had an old yahoo mail account. It was no problem gaining access to the account. Looks like she hadn't used it in some time. Inside were folders of emails mostly about clothes and bills. But two folders stood out - pictures and dating. I looked through the pictures folder. There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.

The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.

How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!
Slit your wrists?

Nah, slit your lids of your eyes. Slit them closed to the point that you cannot see out of the them.

Everyone has a past. Most women have had other lovers in their life. Are you some other women's former boyfriend. When you were younger did you "bone" some old flame.
Yes? Then stop your crap.

She had other men. She did not pick them. She picked you. Other men did not "wear out" her fold. Nope, does not happen. A women's "thing" is good to go for 70 to 80 years.

You snooped, you found pictures of other dudes and her. She did not flaunt them. You found them. Delete them.

Actually, be glad that you are jealous. A jealous spouse is a good thing [in moderation]. This means that you care. It is good to care.

She is your wife now. Take care of her and she will take care of you.

Hey! You told us that things between her and you were getting better? Don't spoil a good trend.
 
#16 ·
No,
I don't mean to be harsh, but no, most people understand that their current partners had previous partners, unless they had good reason to think that they were their partner's first relationship.

My wife dated men before she met me. I'm sure the kissed, had sex, told each other that they were in love, cuddled together in bed, laughed at each others jokes etc.

I wouldn't go looking for that information because I don't have any particular desire to see it, but some day I might run across an old photo, or letter or something. If so, I'll just remember that I had relationships before dating my wife, and that while I remember those relationships fondly, they are just things in my past, of no meaning now.




snip
. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous.
snip
 
#21 ·
Your focusing on everthing but your real problem.
 
#22 ·
Everything in her past is what led her to you and turned her into the person that she is now.

Honestly, I felt the same way you did. When I was 18, then I matured. My husband has a long line of women in his past. Dozens that he dated, more that he was intimate with. Who gives a crap, honestly. It was in the past, it was before we were together. If I go back far enough on his Facebook I can find pictures of him with other women, plastered for the world to see. I can see cutesy little love messages they wrote on each others walls. God forbid I peak into his email, he's saved every single email since he first created it. But do I do that? No, because if you go looking for pain you'll find it and there is no reason for that.
 
#23 ·
Like a very wise old football officiating mentor told me when I was a young football and basketball referee, "In matters of life or in sports officiating, if you go out "hunting for buggers," you'll usually always find them!

And whenever you come across them, they'll never do you any good!"

Mature and put this unneeded, self-inflicted pain to bed!
 
#24 ·
Wow oh wow. If you are not mature enough to deal with your wifes past why in the world you you go dig things up? Are you just looking for ways to punish yourself? How is your attitude toward your wife right now? Is it normal or are you acting pissy toward her? Do you blame and resent her for having a past? Who is causing your hurt? You or her?

Your reaction to this makes me wonder what kind of guy you are to live with, I don't see how you can be this upset and your wife not feel a negative vibe from you, yet she has done nothing wrong.

To answer your question no I would not feel crushed to see my wifes past. I was married for twenty years and we both had mementoes of previous relationships, pictures, some gifts, just some little things. Nether one of us was every jealous or hurt by the others past.
 
#25 ·
No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.
 
#26 ·
That's ok, that works for you. For other people they don't want or need to erase their pasts (like my husband). Like it or not, she DID have good times with those people and they did help her become who she is today. Why erase all those memories? She isn't hanging pictures of her and other men around the house. YOU had to go looking for them. There is a chance she doesn't even know they still exist.

Sorry, but you are at fault here - not her.
 
#28 ·
Canada,
I am going to take a wild guess here, if you look back at all of your relationships I suspect that your behavior was the basis for most of the break ups....you have this unhealthy need to become self-destructive. What I am simply getting at is that at first it was the communication with the co-worker, then the story about her sister and the swingers, then the comment to her sister about her life after your death and now this during up email accounts that she hasn't used since before you two were together...you will not be happy until you can convince yourself that she is wanting out of this marriage...and the moment you do, then you will prove to yourself your right...and then what? You become a lonely, depressed, smoking (because we both know that stress will bring you back there in a heart beat) divorced guy....is that what you want? STOP THIS NOW!!!!! Love and live and move on with life.
 
#30 ·
I wouldn't be jealous in the least.

When I meet a new future SO, the person I am meeting is a sum of all the experiences she's had in the past, including with other guys. If she becomes my SO, then she has chosen me instead of that other guy. The SO I fall in love with would not have been the same SO had she not had years of experience with other men.

I am curious - how do you "easily" gain access to someone else's email account? The reason I want to know is so that I can protect mine enough that it's not easy!
 
#34 ·
There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.

The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.

How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!
Get therapy... lots and lots of theapy. Where you a virgin when you meet your wife? Did you BONE someone else's wives before they meet their future husbands? You're upset because she had a life 6 years before even knew you were alive?

Contact your insurance company, ask for a list of psychologists to talk to that are nearby.
 
#35 ·
I have a secret to you...
For many many years, long before 2012.
You wife had done countless farting, peeing and pooping. Easily a million. I bet she did manny of them daily.

In all seriousness... you can't erase the past. Hell, I've introduced my wife to any past lover or girlfriend that we ever run into. She friends some of them now. I have meet and okay with the people in her past a well.
 
#40 ·
CanadaDry, I'm starting to think that you're actually here looking for anything you can use as an excuse to divorce your wife and blame her for it. Is that the case?
 
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