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It takes two to tango.

4K views 42 replies 14 participants last post by  jb02157 
#1 ·
Husbands and housework. Why is it when those two words combine it can bring so much frustration and resentment in a marriage! Yes before I go any further it can swing both ways, ladies can be lazy also but in my case it's my husband. Pre kids ( 4 years ago) my husband would not batter an eyelid at helping me around the house. We both worked full time and we contributed to the housework. Nowadays, two children later he works maybe 4 days if that and I study full time, care for the kids and do all the housework while he does nothing and I mean nothing. It took me a full 24 hours of asking periodically for him to empty and load the dishwasher and he just wouldn't do it!! To say I'm frustrated is beyond an understatement now! It's just another thing along with the myriad of other issues in our relationship that makes me want to run for the hills!! His own parents agree that he is lazy and harp on at him for not helping, but he still doesn't give two s****. Anyone else in the same boat? I just needed a vent sorry!


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#2 ·
Why does he work only 4 days a week?

How many kids do you have?

How old are you, him and your kids?

Do you do his laundry? cook his meals, clean up after him?

One of the reasons that he is dumping all this on you is that you let him.
 
#3 ·
Why does he work only 4 days a week?



How many kids do you have?



How old are you, him and your kids?



Do you do his laundry? cook his meals, clean up after him?



One of the reasons that he is dumping all this on you is that you let him.


It's not that I let him EleGirl it's that I'm tired of asking for help. I've done it all.. asking him, saying to him "if you do this, I will do something for you" even gone as far as setting up a roster but all have failed miserably. My 4 year old helps out more than him! He can sit on the couch on his phone see that I'm doing housework and still not get up to help!
I'm 30, he's 30 in March and we have two daughter 2.5 and 4 years old. He only works 4 days a week as those are the only jobs he can get. We are in Australia and in the middle of a job recession here in Western Australia. Finding work is near impossible!


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#6 ·
Ok, that's part of what I mean when I say that he dumps all the work on you let him.

The first step is to stop doing anything for him.

He's a big boy. He can do his own laundry. Just tell that he needs do it. When he has nothing left to wear, he'll do it.

Don't pick up after him. If he will not pick up after himself and you have to because you just cannot live like that... get a box or basket and just put his stuff in it. But do not put any of his stuff away.

Do not out of your way to cook for him. Feed yourself and your children.

What other things do you do for him?

Do you have any income or is he the sole financial support?
 
#10 ·
Ok, that's part of what I mean when I say that he dumps all the work on you let him.



The first step is to stop doing anything for him.



He's a big boy. He can do his own laundry. Just tell that he needs do it. When he has nothing left to wear, he'll do it.



Don't pick up after him. If he will not pick up after himself and you have to because you just cannot live like that... get a box or basket and just put his stuff in it. But do not put any of his stuff away.



Do not out of your way to cook for him. Feed yourself and your children.



What other things do you do for him?



Do you have any income or is he the sole financial support?


I don't have an income as I'm studying full time to become a nurse. I do receive a government benefit fortnightly which is means tested based on his salary. It's not much but it's enough to help out with some bills. I've tried all that in the past with not doing his laundry or cooking him meals but it's just ended up in him emotionally lashing out at me and calling me lazy.


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#7 ·
You are too accommodating to his lifestyle that frustrates you.

Since the change isn't going to start with him, it needs to start with you.

He's a big boy, he can do his own chores and feed himself & clean up after.

Just make sure you are ready to stop accommodating.
 
#8 ·
Don't expect him to help out, give him direct requests that you want him to do, Can you please do the laundry today, that would be a great help to me. If he does it, make sure you tell him thank you and that you appreciate the help. If he doesn't then approach him again, nicely. Ask him if he feel like he could do more around the house to help, and that you would love to have the extra time to spend with him but you can't as you are overloaded with work.

I have to ask is there resentment in your marriage on both sides. If men feel like they are being disrespected or not getting needs met, respect, sex, they will shut down and not help out as he might feel like he gets nothing in return. Is this a learned behaviour? Is his father this way, or did his mom do everything for him?

Ask him, but be nice and non judgemental and understanding. Most healthy men would move mountains for a wife that makes them feel respected and keeps them sexually and mentally satisfied. My husband loves to do things for me, that to him is how he shows me he loves me, but if I want something specific done, I need to ask nicely and be direct in what I want done. If you come at him with angry he probably will just shut down.

Books I have read that I find are helpful are "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger "How to have a new husband by Friday" By Dr Kevin Leman. These books have really helped me in the way I interact with my husband, and since I have changed my attitude and behaviour he has changed his tenfold.

Best of luck, I know how frustrating it is to work, raise kids and still have a house to clean and run.
 
#9 ·
Don't expect him to help out, give him direct requests that you want him to do, Can you please do the laundry today, that would be a great help to me. If he does it, make sure you tell him thank you and that you appreciate the help. If he doesn't then approach him again, nicely. Ask him if he feel like he could do more around the house to help, and that you would love to have the extra time to spend with him but you can't as you are overloaded with work.



I have to ask is there resentment in your marriage on both sides. If men feel like they are being disrespected or not getting needs met, respect, sex, they will shut down and not help out as he might feel like he gets nothing in return. Is this a learned behaviour? Is his father this way, or did his mom do everything for him?



Ask him, but be nice and non judgemental and understanding. Most healthy men would move mountains for a wife that makes them feel respected and keeps them sexually and mentally satisfied. My husband loves to do things for me, that to him is how he shows me he loves me, but if I want something specific done, I need to ask nicely and be direct in what I want done. If you come at him with angry he probably will just shut down.



Books I have read that I find are helpful are "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger "How to have a new husband by Friday" By Dr Kevin Leman. These books have really helped me in the way I interact with my husband, and since I have changed my attitude and behaviour he has changed his tenfold.



Best of luck, I know how frustrating it is to work, raise kids and still have a house to clean and run.


With all do respect Daisy your advice is wrong.

The housework is not OP's to do with the H to "help her". If he wants clean clothes or food he needs to do laundry or cook. I extremely doubt H thanks OP for helping.

OP, the job recession in WA is unfortunate. Does your H work in construction? How active is he in looking for more work.
 
#17 · (Edited)
Then the situation is not just a about husband and housework.

You are married to a lazy, underemployed, emotionally abusive man who doesn't care about you or the kids. That should be the focus of your thread.

On your side you work full time, study for school, care for two kids, and do all the work for everyone , including him.

I am sorry for you.
 
#21 ·
But, but, but. . .
There was a change. 2 changes actually.
He was lazy growing up, then he was responsible and helpful then there were children and you going back to school and he is back to lazy.
So something changed, then changed back, or something else changed or he just reverted.

I'm most worried about the resentment and detachment I'm seeing here. In fact it seems at this point that Taffy is saying, "I want to just finish my education , get a better job, and then divorce. But it would be so much better if he would help me leave him sooner."

Do you think he knows what is coming down the pipe?
 
#32 ·
But, but, but. . .

There was a change. 2 changes actually.

He was lazy growing up, then he was responsible and helpful then there were children and you going back to school and he is back to lazy.

So something changed, then changed back, or something else changed or he just reverted.



I'm most worried about the resentment and detachment I'm seeing here. In fact it seems at this point that Taffy is saying, "I want to just finish my education , get a better job, and then divorce. But it would be so much better if he would help me leave him sooner."



Do you think he knows what is coming down the pipe?


Unfortunately that is exactly what I am feeling at the moment Mr.Nail
Finish my education, start to stand on my own two feet financially then if nothing changes or our relationship is at the point of no return I will simply walk away! I've done it once and he didn't learn the lesson and I came back into the relationship on the precedence of change and still not a single cell in his body has done so. So what am I left to do? My happiness and the happiness of my two girls are all that matters now.


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#22 ·
Husbands and housework. Why is it when those two words combine it can bring so much frustration and resentment in a marriage! Yes before I go any further it can swing both ways, ladies can be lazy also but in my case it's my husband. Pre kids ( 4 years ago) my husband would not batter an eyelid at helping me around the house. We both worked full time and we contributed to the housework. Nowadays, two children later he works maybe 4 days if that and I study full time, care for the kids and do all the housework while he does nothing and I mean nothing. It took me a full 24 hours of asking periodically for him to empty and load the dishwasher and he just wouldn't do it!! To say I'm frustrated is beyond an understatement now! It's just another thing along with the myriad of other issues in our relationship that makes me want to run for the hills!! His own parents agree that he is lazy and harp on at him for not helping, but he still doesn't give two s****. Anyone else in the same boat? I just needed a vent sorry!


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You are a housewife, commit to the job.
 
#25 ·
Ultimatums are a dangerous game. @taffyc reports that her husband is verbally abusive. She suspects that he is as emotionally detached as she is. She is holding on for financial reasons, not in order to save the marriage, or fix him. A separation for safety reasons would be better advice than throwing out ultimatums, or bribes, or passive aggressive refusals.
 
#36 ·
We live in Perth. He has an electrical pre apprentice certificate but no electrical company will take a 30 year old mature age apprentice they want them in their late teens or early 20's. They pay cut we would have to take would be huge too! Apprentices do not get payed much and with a mortgage and me trying to become I nurse it just wouldn't be achievable right now.


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#37 ·
When I went to carnivals, Taffy was on my list.

The problem with Taffy: It is so tacky, it sticks like glue. If you are not careful, it will pull your fillings out of your teeth.

The good things about Taffy, the Down Under Lass: She is sticky, she sticks like glue. Once she makes a vow, once she makes a promise, she keeps it.

It was her abusive husband that pulled out her fillings. Her fillings of love, of duty to her marriage.

She is a gem....he is "now" mere common glass. A glass created in a low heat furnace. Glass for common consumption.

Finish your school, bide your time. Once you have completed your degree, step out of your door. Head 222 Kilometers to the South West, The Great Victoria Desert is all around you.

Look up at the blinding Sun. Spread your new wings .......let them dry in the heat of the day. Start flapping.... fly to Sydney. Start a new life.

Find a man who loves Taffy. A man who loves and appreciates a women who sticks warmly to him.
........................................................................................................................................................................................................
How much longer until you finish your nursing degree?
 
#38 ·
Love this! Very creative SunCMars :)
I have this year to go. Finish up in December. I have interviews for Grad Programs in some of Perths major hospitals around July. I'm hoping I am successful then have a full time nursing position to go into. I'm committed to change and making my life better and wholesome. I'm sadly afraid my husband is no longer wanting to come along for the ride so as you said I'm prepared to spread my wings and start a new journey!


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#39 ·
I have a wife that's that way. Does do a damn thing. Works but doesn't contribute her money to the family, blows it all on herself, does no housework, makes no meals. She comes home from work and falls asleep. She makes the kids and I do all the housework and make all the meals. What makes someone that frickin lazy??
 
#40 ·
I have a wife that's that way. Does do a damn thing. Works but doesn't contribute her money to the family, blows it all on herself, does no housework, makes no meals. She comes home from work and falls asleep. She makes the kids and I do all the housework and make all the meals. What makes someone that frickin lazy??
How? Does she twist your arm behind your back? What makes someone that lazy is having someone else do all the work.
 
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