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post #1 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 06:44 AM Thread Starter
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Flowers sent to an Italian girl

Some of you may know, that I was once married to a traditional Chinese woman. The marriage was dissolved in Nov 2015. I've not tried to get anyone since.

I was pining over my ex-wife for a long time (Oct 2016-Jan 2017) trying to remain loyal to my vows. So I wasn't focusing on anyone else in particular.


Around February 2016 - an Italian girl messaged me on linkedin - and as we are both freelancers in the same industry we spoke for awhile on that day at work. Talking about the issues we experienced with freelancing. I was a bit taken back as she was very modeleque and down to earth, and we did keep a conversation going for a few hours. I added her to my facebook on the same day and kept in touch.

Throughout the year we have spoken every other week - about work, feelings towards it, previous relationships, relationship expectations and interests. I find out she has a similar educational background to me and one of her interests click very specifically with one of mine.


Before Valentines day - I found myself ordering flowers for the Italian girl, to be sent to her new place of work (on Valentines day). It was a spontaneous act. I sent the flowers anonymously. The day came and I find out she is ill - she didn't return to work until near the end of the week - and was extremely happy to receive the flowers, but they were dying by that time. I had a 2nd batch - a different type - sent to her the following week so she could appreciate fresh flowers properly. She really liked them! I revealed to her in-between the first and second batch that I had sent her the flowers and she thanked me for them.


I am a shy guy - and normally I would think a woman like this way out of my league. I became interested though more because of our conversations and industry link. Its almost like there are two sides to her - this very beautiful modeleque high class rich life (she is well-off but possibly not rich) side to her - and this more down to earth vulnerable person. I feel there is a difference in life-style - and maybe I am not her type - as she may go for blonde, taller guys - whilst I am dark haired, stockier/muscular built.

Last friday I thought I should try and ask her out. Now - we have never met in person. I had tried to meet her for a coffee a couple of times before I invoked any change in our friendship - but she was always busy or had arrived home by the time I considered the invite.

Maybe my first attempt was weak - I suggested we eat at an artisan pancakes restaurant - for pancakes day. I did say we could go before or after pancakes day. She replied "that's nice, but I don't think I am here for pancakes day".

I found her reply ambiguous - and an inclination that she is not interested.

I thought I would give it a day before replying back, and replied back - "sounds exciting what you have going on". I didn't want to sound needy or disappointed trying to give alternative dates/times. I felt best to diffuse any pressure - and tried to generally chat a little as normal. Found and sent a little video - of a guy who had made prepared a tiny lasagna with miniature cooking utensils (like a model house) - she found it funny.

I feel like my feelings have got stronger for her - and I am trying to just keep a level head . I have friends giving me mixed advice - and at the moment I am just trying to back off and assess the situation. She is 28. I just turned 34 - I am wondering if she could step up to the plate and review how she could be in being a partner. I do like this girl - and I feel I could offer her a missing romantic aspect to her life - I feel like maybe I've come on too strong and should make it clear about starting out as a more platonic friendship. I think she would be fun to be around - take her out to places and such.

Either way this is a big step for me - trying to invoke a potential relationship - after my previous situation.

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post #2 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

A very attractive lady who contacts you via linkedin or elsewhere is almost certainly not real. Have you heard of cat fishing? My husband is a doctor, and has scammers pretending to be women contacting him a lot. She may on the other hand be a lady who has put a photo of someone else on her profile.That's common as well.
Ask her if you can talk on skype. See what her reaction is. if she refuses and refuses to meet you then that is your answer. You have known her for a year now, and you still haven't met, doesn't that ring alarm bells? She is either not interested in which case why did she contact you, or she is a fake.

BTW you cant fall in love with someone you have never even met. They can whoever they want on line.

Last edited by Diana7; 02-27-2017 at 07:13 AM.
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post #3 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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A very attractive lady who contacts you via linkedin or elsewhere is almost certainly not real. Have you heard of cat fishing? My husband is a doctor, and has scammers pretending to be women contacting him a lot. She may on the other hand be a lady who has put a photo of someone else on her profile.That's common as well.
Ask her if you can talk on skype. See what her reaction is. if she refuses and refuses to meet you then that is your answer.
You have know her for a year now, and you still haven't met, doesn't that ring alarm bells?

BTW you cant fall in love with someone you have never even met. They can whoever they want on line.
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post #4 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
A very attractive lady who contacts you via linkedin or elsewhere is almost certainly not real. Have you heard of cat fishing? My husband is a doctor, and has scammers pretending to be women contacting him a lot. She may on the other hand be a lady who has put a photo of someone else on her profile.That's common as well.
Ask her if you can talk on skype. See what her reaction is. if she refuses and refuses to meet you then that is your answer. You have know her for a year now, and you still haven't met, doesn't that ring alarm bells? She is either not interested in which case why did she contact you, or she is a fake.

BTW you cant fall in love with someone you have never even met. They can whoever they want on line.
I know she is a real person. I've been in communication with her over facebook and linkedin - and can see her instagram and a reflection of real life events that occur in between.

I've known her for a year - but never pushed each other to meet. I am just saying I have feelings for her.
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post #5 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:29 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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Originally Posted by zeezack View Post
Maybe my first attempt was weak - I suggested we eat at an artisan pancakes restaurant - for pancakes day. I did say we could go before or after pancakes day. She replied "that's nice, but I don't think I am here for pancakes day".

I found her reply ambiguous - and an inclination that she is not interested.
I think you misinterpreted her response there. It sounds more to me like she is saying she's not interested in pancakes but something more serious. I think lunch or dinner would be a more appropriate offer based on that response. When you do make that offer, pick a place that's in tune with her Italian culture.
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post #6 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:51 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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I think you misinterpreted her response there. It sounds more to me like she is saying she's not interested in pancakes but something more serious. I think lunch or dinner would be a more appropriate offer based on that response. When you do make that offer, pick a place that's in tune with her Italian culture.
I don't see that at all. I read her response and pictured her putting her hand on your head and pushing you back down into the friend zone you just tried to get out of.

A response of "That's nice, but..." to an invite out? Hardly expressing interest.


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post #7 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:08 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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I don't see that at all. I read her response and pictured her putting her hand on your head and pushing you back down into the friend zone you just tried to get out of.

A response of "That's nice, but..." to an invite out? Hardly expressing interest.
I liken it to when I was dating my partner and he messaged me after hours and asked me to go to the movies. I had said "that sounds like fun but I'm not coming out late to go to the movies." I wanted more than that at the time but didn't want to say it outright. What I had really wanted was a netflix and chill session .

What was her response to your message the next day OP?
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post #8 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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I think you misinterpreted her response there. It sounds more to me like she is saying she's not interested in pancakes but something more serious. I think lunch or dinner would be a more appropriate offer based on that response. When you do make that offer, pick a place that's in tune with her Italian culture.
Well maybe - I have tried to keep a level head about it - generally. I didn't want to force a new event on to her or request a specific date/time.
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post #9 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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I don't see that at all. I read her response and pictured her putting her hand on your head and pushing you back down into the friend zone you just tried to get out of.

A response of "That's nice, but..." to an invite out? Hardly expressing interest.
Well this is also a strong possibility too. This is why I didn't try to come up with alternatives. She rejected the event - with her reason she is not available that day. I've not tried to pressure her for a new date/time/event. Trying to play it cool - and keep it friendly. I am trying to see if she will initiate contact first.
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post #10 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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I liken it to when I was dating my partner and he messaged me after hours and asked me to go to the movies. I had said "that sounds like fun but I'm not coming out late to go to the movies." I wanted more than that at the time but didn't want to say it outright. What I had really wanted was a netflix and chill session .

What was her response to your message the next day OP?
I got off the topic - of an event - and just said it sounds exciting what you have planned. Sent her a small funny video of a person going to the effort to make tiny lasagna. Which she liked/thought was funny --- then she became busy in preparing to go out - girls night out.

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post #11 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

I think she is a very independent, Italian girl - and maybe had her heart broken - like me a couple of years ago. The girl is stunning and I feel she could easily secure a boyfriend if she chose to do so. I think she is very entrepreneurial, smart and ambitious.
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post #12 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

@zeezack -- If a woman is interested but she isn't available for the time you invite her out, she will almost always suggest an alternate time/activity. Considering that you suggested pancakes for pancake day or for another time (leaving it open), and she said she won't be around on pancake day and didn't offer an alternate date, I would say that she is friend-zoning you.

Considering that you say she is "very entrepreneurial, smart and ambitious"... I'm guessing that she's looking for a guy who is more assertive and confident than you have been with her.

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post #13 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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@zeezack -- If a woman is interested but she isn't available for the time you invite her out, she will almost always suggest an alternate time/activity. Considering that you suggested pancakes for pancake day or for another time (leaving it open), and she said she won't be around on pancake day and didn't offer an alternate date, I would say that she is friend-zoning you.

Considering that you say she is "very entrepreneurial, smart and ambitious"... I'm guessing that she's looking for a guy who is more assertive and confident than you have been with her.
Sure - back around November - she told me she needs a guy who is equal to her - confident. She said a lot of guys are intimidated by her. I wonder if this is also an Italian trait?

I feel my first attempt was a bit weak. I've not followed up to avoid looking needy. I tried to disperse it with some humour. She does get busy though - improv road trips and quick trips around Europe.
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post #14 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

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Sure - back around November - she told me she needs a guy who is equal to her - confident. She said a lot of guys are intimidated by her. I wonder if this is also an Italian trait?

I feel my first attempt was a bit weak. I've not followed up to avoid looking needy. I tried to disperse it with some humour. She does get busy though - improv road trips and quick trips around Europe.
Quite possibly an Italian trait--but Italy is a pretty diverse country in and of itself, as are its people and diaspora. (Not necessarily in regards to ethnicity, but each region of the country has its own unique subculture, food, colloquialisms. If you are Italian, you identify more with your region than as an Italian.)

Unless she's dumb as a rock, and it's pretty clear that she isn't, she knows you were making a pass. Don't worry about looking needy. Just because you take a risk and make the ask, and then don't get a positive answer, that doesn't make you needy. Just asking a woman out doesn't make you needy.

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post #15 of 164 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Flowers sent to an Italian girl

Be direct. Tell her you find her fascinating and would love a chance to meet face to face, ask her if she would like to grab dinner or drinks one evening. So now you are being ambiguous, if she answers "yes, that sounds great", then you try to pin down a day and time by asking her what fits her schedule best, if she says "sure maybe sometime when I'm not so busy", that means she probably isn't interested.

A pancake date? You may think that is fun and quirky and for some women it would work, but if she's as high class as you think that was probably an unappealing invite to her.

In the end all you can lose is an internet buddy if she says no.
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