Help with broken marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Help with broken marriage

My wife and I have been married a little under 2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship. And we had past relationships that definitely brought baggage into our relationship. Neither one of us had a good model for a marriage, although I do know what a good marriage should look like.

After the birth of our child, stresses from our change as well as increased stresses at both of our jobs began to unravel our relationship. She withdrew from me, which hurt me deeply. When she would talk to me, it was usually cold, rude, angry or critical. She stopped taking care of me or being good to me. Because of the rejections, I began to shut down. I ended up on medication because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of anxiety and depression creeping in.

We've been seeing a counselor for a few months. In therapy, she is sweet and tells me that she's not doing anything to reject me and that I'm thinking the worst of her. When we are home, she finds any reason to not spend time together. I try to do what our therapist tells us to try. She doesn't.

She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable around me because I won't connect with her the way she needs. When I try to do exactly that, she pushes me away. When things appear to be getting better, she withdraws and ruins any chance of progress. I get hurt and frustrated by the constant rollercoaster and drama that I'm having to deal with.

I can't share a bed with her because I won't be able to relax or sleep even taking medication. So I'm forced to sleep elsewhere for my health and sanity. She puts all of our problems on me and refuses to take any responsibility for not responding to me doing what she asks.

I'm at a total loss in how to talk to her. I feel like she's not capable of having a rational an cooperative discussion. She says she reaches out to me but she doesn't. She justifies everything she does and I'm left holding the bag.

I try to do right by her and not retaliate. I do my best to be loving and take care of her in spite of her absolutely clinical and horrible treatment. I don't want to divorce and I still love her. I have no idea how to make things better when nothing I do is getting a positive response.


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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

Your post says she puts everything on you but your entire post put everything on her.

Since you're here I'll ask you: what could you be doing better? Are you doing your part with the baby?

Do you both work? What does the division of labor look like?

How often do you two go out and have fun together?
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

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Originally Posted by iwantmoore View Post
My wife and I have been married a little under 2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship. And we had past relationships that definitely brought baggage into our relationship. Neither one of us had a good model for a marriage, although I do know what a good marriage should look like.

After the birth of our child, stresses from our change as well as increased stresses at both of our jobs began to unravel our relationship. She withdrew from me, which hurt me deeply. When she would talk to me, it was usually cold, rude, angry or critical. She stopped taking care of me or being good to me. Because of the rejections, I began to shut down. I ended up on medication because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of anxiety and depression creeping in.

We've been seeing a counselor for a few months. In therapy, she is sweet and tells me that she's not doing anything to reject me and that I'm thinking the worst of her. When we are home, she finds any reason to not spend time together. I try to do what our therapist tells us to try. She doesn't.

She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable around me because I won't connect with her the way she needs. When I try to do exactly that, she pushes me away. When things appear to be getting better, she withdraws and ruins any chance of progress. I get hurt and frustrated by the constant rollercoaster and drama that I'm having to deal with.

I can't share a bed with her because I won't be able to relax or sleep even taking medication. So I'm forced to sleep elsewhere for my health and sanity. She puts all of our problems on me and refuses to take any responsibility for not responding to me doing what she asks.

I'm at a total loss in how to talk to her. I feel like she's not capable of having a rational an cooperative discussion. She says she reaches out to me but she doesn't. She justifies everything she does and I'm left holding the bag.

I try to do right by her and not retaliate. I do my best to be loving and take care of her in spite of her absolutely clinical and horrible treatment. I don't want to divorce and I still love her. I have no idea how to make things better when nothing I do is getting a positive response.


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It seems like you were tricked into marrying her and now she has you she is showing her true colours.I would leave her.
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by iwantmoore View Post
My wife and I have been married a little under 2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship. And we had past relationships that definitely brought baggage into our relationship. Neither one of us had a good model for a marriage, although I do know what a good marriage should look like.

After the birth of our child, stresses from our change as well as increased stresses at both of our jobs began to unravel our relationship. She withdrew from me, which hurt me deeply. When she would talk to me, it was usually cold, rude, angry or critical. She stopped taking care of me or being good to me. Because of the rejections, I began to shut down. I ended up on medication because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of anxiety and depression creeping in.

We've been seeing a counselor for a few months. In therapy, she is sweet and tells me that she's not doing anything to reject me and that I'm thinking the worst of her. When we are home, she finds any reason to not spend time together. I try to do what our therapist tells us to try. She doesn't.

She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable around me because I won't connect with her the way she needs. When I try to do exactly that, she pushes me away. When things appear to be getting better, she withdraws and ruins any chance of progress. I get hurt and frustrated by the constant rollercoaster and drama that I'm having to deal with.

I can't share a bed with her because I won't be able to relax or sleep even taking medication. So I'm forced to sleep elsewhere for my health and sanity. She puts all of our problems on me and refuses to take any responsibility for not responding to me doing what she asks.

I'm at a total loss in how to talk to her. I feel like she's not capable of having a rational an cooperative discussion. She says she reaches out to me but she doesn't. She justifies everything she does and I'm left holding the bag.

I try to do right by her and not retaliate. I do my best to be loving and take care of her in spite of her absolutely clinical and horrible treatment. I don't want to divorce and I still love her. I have no idea how to make things better when nothing I do is getting a positive response.


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read the man up thread.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

Are you a christian couple? If so, I highly recommend Andy Stanley's marriage series. I believe you can find them on youtube, one of them is titled iMarriage (3 part series) and another is called Staying in Love. Heck, even if you're not a christian, the theories that he discusses are applicable to marriage. My wife and I have watched both of these, and they were both very good. His delivery is very fast, but he does a great job of making his points and even bringing some humor into his presentation.

It would be a good thing to do together as a couple.
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

Here's the first installment of his iMarriage series. A very good introduction - if you like it, look for the other installments on youtube.



And here is the first installment of Staying in Love.


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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

Don't bother with all that christian bull****, read the man up thread.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

I've experienced the same things. You try to talk to her, you get nothing, you ask how things can be better, you get nothing. Yet, she says she does all the right things when other ask and she lies to your therapist. The next will be that she withdraws from all household duties, cooking and then all the sex will go. I think she's trying to get you to file so she can cash in.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

How old is the baby?

When did her change in behavior start?
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

Could you explain more about why you cannot sleep in the same bed with her?

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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Help with broken marriage

What were you and her's childhood like growing up?

110% savable.... but you BOTH need to open up. Built up resentment will poison ANY

M. When she acts sweet and innocent with MC, what do you do? Do you call her on it?

Maybe you need another MC. Until BOTH your cards are on the table, BOTH will spin their wheels.

There is a good chance BOTH of you are saying to yourself 'WTH does s/he want if I'm not told'

I would recommend a "sit down" but it appears you are far past that level and need a MC.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help with broken marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Your post says she puts everything on you but your entire post put everything on her.



Since you're here I'll ask you: what could you be doing better? Are you doing your part with the baby?



Do you both work? What does the division of labor look like?



How often do you two go out and have fun together?


Let's see...I pick up the kids every day, cook dinner , bathe the baby, make lunches, do all the daily chores, get her coffee and give her space to wind down when she gets home. She works late most days. I give her flowers, notes, try to talk to her and not ride her ass like she rides mine. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I shut down and I get frustrated and leave the bedroom when she ignores me. I do that for my own health and sanity.


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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help with broken marriage

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
How old is the baby?



When did her change in behavior start?


A few weeks after our baby was born. I have suspected she may be suffering with ppd but I can't have a simple conversation with her, so no way I can talk to her about her mental state.


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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help with broken marriage

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Could you explain more about why you cannot sleep in the same bed with her?


I can't sleep in the same bed because she sits there, ignores me and accuses me of being controlling when I want us to spend time together like we used to. If we have a conversation, she finds a reason to cut me off. She won't look at me or give me her undivided attention. She rolls over and goes to sleep. I can't sleep so eventually Ieave so I can.


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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help with broken marriage

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Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
What were you and her's childhood like growing up?

110% savable.... but you BOTH need to open up. Built up resentment will poison ANY

M. When she acts sweet and innocent with MC, what do you do? Do you call her on it?

Maybe you need another MC. Until BOTH your cards are on the table, BOTH will spin their wheels.

There is a good chance BOTH of you are saying to yourself 'WTH does s/he want if I'm not told'

I would recommend a "sit down" but it appears you are far past that level and need a MC.


I agree. It goes against my feelings to open up and try but I do. She accuses me of throwing her under the bus and attacking her in therapy because I don't confront her every time. I don't talk to her about it outside therapy because our fights are horrible and unproductive. I'm frustrated for her saying she wants things to be better, denying in one breath she's doing anything wrong. And the next telling me she doesn't want to open up to me. Like I do either but I do anyways because I know it's what we need to do.


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