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post #16 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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@Midge Is any of what @Mr. Nail said arcuate? If so, how much? 25%? 50%? 75%? 99%?

It's possible that after 40 years of being important your husband feels depressed about his situation and being old(er).
No, I don't think what Mr. Nail said is accurate. I don't tell him he is worthless. As a matter of fact I've been giving him business ideas because there are a lot of things he can do. Actually, he's the one constantly berating me. That's why I'm so frustrated. I work my butt off which allows him to have choices about everything, and I get no appreciation. I have no choices.

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post #17 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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So, you do understand the natural male prerogative ? your response though, says it all. you don't VALUE your husband, and he knows it.

What It Means For a Man to Provide | The Art of Manliness
What about what women need? It's not important for me to feel useful? It seems like men think women are supposed to feed their egos and they don't have to give anything back.

Why can't both partners provide equally. What am I supposed to do? Quit working?

What's really ironic is that his ex-wife refused to work "in his words" and he struggled through some hard times. She did nothing. Now he has a wife who works and takes care of things but that's not good either.

I read that art of Manliness article. Toward the end is stated :
"If you’re a married man, you need to have a vision for your own life and for your family. Women don’t want a man who’s a domineering oaf, but they also don’t want to feel like they’re always pulling, and dragging their husband along. They want a man who’s personally motivated, takes initiative, makes decisions, and has a discernible sense of direction and purpose. A man who is always scouting the way to take care of his family and lead them through the storms of life. I’ve sometimes had that conversation with my wife where I tell her that I feel unhappy, and she asks me what I want out of life and what would make me happy, and all I can answer is, “I don’t know.” That’s a failure of vision. And a failure in being a provider."

Sadly, my husband does none of those things. He is not engaged with his kids or grandkids or siblings. He does not feel like he has any responsibility at all to me as a wife. I went to his parents funerals with him. My father died and he didn't attend. He never told me he was sorry for my loss. He didn't give me a hug when I cried about losing my father. He won't make any decisions. When I ask for help or direction he usually says I don't know. He never shares any feelings at all with anyone.

Last edited by Midge; 03-02-2017 at 09:19 PM. Reason: addition
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post #18 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:33 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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No, I don't think what Mr. Nail said is accurate. I don't tell him he is worthless. As a matter of fact I've been giving him business ideas because there are a lot of things he can do. Actually, he's the one constantly berating me. That's why I'm so frustrated. I work my butt off which allows him to have choices about everything, and I get no appreciation. I have no choices.
So he is not respectful, kindly, loving or helpful to you?

Not all that much as a husband , really?

You deserve better.

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post #19 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:52 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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He is not engaged with his kids or grandkids or siblings. He does not feel like he has any responsibility at all to me as a wife. I went to his parents funerals with him. My father died and he didn't attend. He never told me he was sorry for my loss. He didn't give me a hug when I cried about losing my father. He won't make any decisions. When I ask for help or direction he usually says I don't know. He never shares any feelings at all with anyone.
So why the heck are you married to this guy????

Here is what tends to be a red flag for me: When a poster comes here and says "always" and "never" about their spouse. Nobody is "always" indifferent" or "never" kind. You know what they say. There is your side, his side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. I am in no way trying to undermine what you are saying, but if the guy is this big of a screw-up, then why are you even wasting the energy venting about him?

It is obvious you can take care of yourself. So why take care of him too?

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #20 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 11:02 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Honestly, he sounds like a real dud-ball. Definitely not husband material.

Might be time to cut him loose...

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post #21 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:43 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

@EleGirl

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I'm in my 50's and active, so I'm in good physical condition. My husband is 10 years older than me so I understand that he is tired at times.

Ciao,

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post #22 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept.

I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc.

I don't want to be a housewife. But I don't want to work 2 jobs while he decides what to do. We are both at an age where change it tough, but I feel like I have been very understanding of his frustrations and he seems to think mine are silly.

He doesn't engage with his family and I think it's for the same reasons. Anything to do with feelings or just doing something for someone because they are important to you seems beyond his grasp.

Example: 3 years ago, I was still working full time plus I had the home business that I was doing 80% of the work and he was doing 20%. I found out in April that my brother in law was dying of pancreatic cancer and my Dad had major heart surgery. My family lives 600 miles away BTW. I was extremely stressed to say the least. I made several trips to see family. I went alone every time. My husband said he couldn't find anyone to keep the dogs and to be fair he was building our house. My father passed away later that fall. It was a very rough year. During that year I was very emotional and stressed. My husband's solution was "Stop being stressed." Gee, thanks. During that summer, I went to the ER with chest pains and shortness of breath. Some friends drove me. I texted my husband from the ER and he said "Oh, where's your car". He never even came to the hospital, which was 15 minutes from our house. When I told him how devastating that was to me he said" What was I supposed to do, I'm not a dr." Really? Turns out I was severely dehydrated from a tennis match in 97 degree heat and the symptoms can mimic heart attack according to the ER doc. So I was OK, but I'll never understand how someone can do what he did.
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post #23 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by Midge View Post
Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept.

I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc.
I think that your posts have been clear and the issues get clearer with each of your posts. I’m not sure why you are getting some of the nastier posts in reply.

I was married to a man who is similar to your husband. There are differences, such as my ex could always say think that were empathetic/sympathetic. But he NEVER did anything to help. And yes when I say “never” I mean almost never. Like he would do the dishes once every 2 years or so. That’s kind of ‘never’. I could call him with an emergency, like my car broke down, and he would NEVER even bother to answer the phone. He literally NEVER did things for his own children. I raised them.

All the while, he spent his days literally playing on the computer all day. He lost his job in the 2nd year of our marriage and did not put in enough effort to find another. So he played for 12 years.

What was my solution? I divorced him. I told him that I was not going to support him anymore. Then I helped him start a small business. He now supports himself.

You want to change your husband. What you see is what you get. If he is not meeting your needs, you are the only one who has the power to at least remove the aggravation from your life. As long as you do everything for him he’s going to let you. As long as you put up with his disrespect and lack of love and support, he will continue to do this.
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Originally Posted by Midge View Post
I don't want to be a housewife. But I don't want to work 2 jobs while he decides what to do. We are both at an age where change it tough, but I feel like I have been very understanding of his frustrations and he seems to think mine are silly.
So why are you working two jobs while he decides what to do? Your “understanding” is really enabling. So the question here is how do you stop enabling a 60+ year old man who glad to let you support him and does so with an air of disrespect?

(By the way, I’m 68. While I retired from my corporate job last year, I have a small company that I run. Unless your husband has some serious physical illness he is completely able to work and bring in money. We can talk about later on here.)
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He doesn't engage with his family and I think it's for the same reasons. Anything to do with feelings or just doing something for someone because they are important to you seems beyond his grasp.
Was he like this before you married? Or has he changed over the years?
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Example: 3 years ago, I was still working full time plus I had the home business that I was doing 80% of the work and he was doing 20%. I found out in April that my brother in law was dying of pancreatic cancer and my Dad had major heart surgery. My family lives 600 miles away BTW. I was extremely stressed to say the least. I made several trips to see family. I went alone every time. My husband said he couldn't find anyone to keep the dogs and to be fair he was building our house. My father passed away later that fall. It was a very rough year. During that year I was very emotional and stressed. My husband's solution was "Stop being stressed." Gee, thanks. During that summer, I went to the ER with chest pains and shortness of breath. Some friends drove me. I texted my husband from the ER and he said "Oh, where's your car". He never even came to the hospital, which was 15 minutes from our house. When I told him how devastating that was to me he said" What was I supposed to do, I'm not a dr." Really? Turns out I was severely dehydrated from a tennis match in 97 degree heat and the symptoms can mimic heart attack according to the ER doc. So I was OK, but I'll never understand how someone can do what he did. Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept.
This is who he is. Can you accept him just the way he is? I’m not saying that you should accept him as he is. My point is that you are the only person who you can change. As you evaluate your situation, you need to come to the realization that this is who he is. And then you need to decide if you can live with a man who seems to care for anyone but himself.
You are co-dependent. What that means is that you have been putting the needs of someone else above your own. What happens when you do this is that you end up being destroyed emotionally. Here is a book that you really need to read.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

The reason that the book title says “stop controlling other” is that co-dependency is a natural reaction to a bad situation. Not the best natural react. What you are doing is you are trying to change him into someone he is not. That’s controlling. You are running around trying to get him to be some else to the point that you have lost focus on yourself. You stopped taking care of yourself a long time ago. And what this does is that it turns the entire focus of your marriage on him. He only thinks of himself. You are focused on him.
Read the book, it will help set you free.
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Originally Posted by Midge View Post
I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc.
Could you list things that you do for him. Like do you do his laundry? Do you pick up the little messes he leaves around the house?
While you would like a shoulder to lean on, he is apparently not that shoulder. So are you ok spending your life with someone who will never be emotionally supportive of you? Are you ok with living with someone who will not meet your needs?
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I don't want to be a housewife. But I don't want to work 2 jobs while he decides what to do. We are both at an age where change it tough, but I feel like I have been very understanding of his frustrations and he seems to think mine are silly.
You have every right to not be ok with working 2 jobs.
You said that you have given him ideas of ways that he could earn a living. What are some of those ideas?
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Originally Posted by Midge View Post
He doesn't engage with his family and I think it's for the same reasons. Anything to do with feelings or just doing something for someone because they are important to you seems beyond his grasp.
This is who he is. The feelings are most likely beyond his grasp. So can you find a way to live with that? Or would divorce be better because it can be very frustrating to be married to someone who is like your husband?
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post #24 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

You are not listening because you are so independent that there is no possibility that any man might know something that you don't. Bravo! you did it all. Did it get you what you want? Are you happy? If you are so self sufficient, why are you here asking us how to get this Man to give you something? Some wispy illusion you call emotional support. You know you need it but you don't really know what it looks like. You certainly have proven that you don't know how to give it. There is a gap in your wall of knowledge, a man sized, man shaped gap. You don't understand men. We are trying to help you but you throw it in our face, just as you throw your husbands efforts in his face. Because we are men. And in your world men Don't know.

Here is how you tell your husband he is worthless.
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He used to help with the home business but he doesn't have very good office/computer skills or communication skills so I ended up doing all of the work.
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my husbands background does not lend itself to the home based business and mine does. So it all comes easily to me.
This is how he is still telling you what is wrong.
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Now he won't help at all. He claims that he won't help because I have to do everything my way.
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my husband does nothing to make me feel like I am important to him. My husband does not offer any help or encouragement. he says he doesn't want to "help".
This has not always been the case Some thing changed
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My husband never says anything complimentary to me, although he used to.
What I am trying to tell you is that this change is because of the messages you are sending. Part B is because of part A.

The funny thing about Men is that they will generally be whatever you tell them they are. You have told he is useless and now he is. You have told him his skill are not helpful and now he believes "no one wants an old geezer". So the one positive message you are sending him is that he is physically attractive. Where do you think that is going to lead?

You want Emotional Support. Here is what You need to do to get your needs filled. Be Romantic. You have ignored his emotional efforts for so long because you are not Romantic. Now he doesn't try because he gets no value for his effort. Here is how you Start. When he cooks, it isn't fuel for your business, its his last way to express his love. So you stop treating it as if it is something he does for himself and start acting as if it is something he did For the sole purpose of Supporting you emotionally. You thank him for it, and you thank him for it with your words, AND your eyes, AND your Touch. And when he starts offering other Emotional displays to you, like caring about your health, or running errands for you, or making you a better desk, You see those for the shows of love that they are, and you thank him honestly in every way you can think of.

What you are doing isn't working and will shortly lead to separation and divorce. The emotional distance is already there on both sides. You don't have long to act.

Last edited by Mr. Nail; 03-03-2017 at 12:15 PM.
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post #25 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Here is how you tell your husband he is worthless.


What you are doing isn't working and will shortly lead to separation and divorce. The emotional distance is already there on both sides. You don't have long to act.
So he has a lot of skills that I don't. For example, he built our house. I offered to help however I could, but I don't have the skills or knowledge so he said no. Is he telling me I am worthless? I didn't take it that way. It was the truth. He's never worked in an office so he doesn't have computer and office skills. That doesn't make him worthless. Why would it?

When he cooks, it's his way of expressing love and I am supposed to thank him with words, eyes and touch. Ok. When I work and do the taxes and all the other things I do, isn't that a way of expressing love? He certainly doesn't thank me with words, his eyes, or his touch.

Sorry, but I can't explain nearly 20 years of a relationship in 2 or 3 posts. You are making assumptions. I have never called my husband worthless. Just because he doesn't have office skills is simply a fact. I don't have skills that he has either.

I think you are one of those guys who thinks men are superior and are supposed to be worshiped while women simply exist to serve men. When men do basic everyday things they are supposed to be thanked. But when women do everyday things it's just expected I guess. No need to thank them....after all that is their place in life.

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post #26 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Is it working?
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post #27 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Midge, What does your husband do all day long?
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post #28 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I think that EleGirl made some really good points, Midge. She is right about how it's very unlikely for him to change at this point and not working is an excuse. There's absolutely no reason he can't get a management position with a construction company. That is what all that experience and skill is good for even if he can't work as hard as the younger guys. This doesn't mean you have to accept what your marriage has become. In fact, I personally wouldn't. I couldn't imagine having to experience a funeral for a parent alone because my spouse didn't care enough about my feelings to even come with me and pretend to be sympathetic. That would be a deal breaker.
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post #29 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

.....

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #30 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Midge, What does your husband do all day long?
We have a house on 7 acres in the country. His dream.......not really mine. He built the house and a huge garage and woodshop for all of his tools and materials. There are still a lot of odds and ends that he is pecking away at. The home office is not yet finished, and I really need it. He hasn't finished putting down shoe mold in some rooms. The plantation shutters need staining. He needs to fence in the land. He needs to run water to the shop. He chopped a lot of wood this winter for the woodstove. He planted a garden in the spring, but it didn't go too well, so he is reading up on vegetable gardening techniques. He also took up golf and played golf several times per week with friends.

I have told him to go into woodworking business. Or go back into doing home inspections since there is always a need for that. Or do small remodeling jobs or handyman services and charge a minimum service fee for very small jobs that eat up half a day and a lot of gas.

As an FYI, I am sincerely amazed at his skills and problem solving when it comes to anything to do with building or how things work. On the other hand, he is numb when it comes to dealing with people. He has always been this way, but it has gotten worse. And it seems like the more I do, the less he does. His family was very broken, so he thinks that is the problem. But I think that's only a part of it. After all, the only normal families are the ones you don't know very well.

BTW, I do appreciate your post about co-dependency. What you are saying does make sense. I need to think about that a lot.

And I don't get the hateful reply posts either. I'm not a vicious vindictive person. I think that my husband has just kept all his feelings on the inside and has become numb to feelings because they are hard for him. And it has made him depressed.
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