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post #31 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept.

I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc.
So in other words, you want a HUSBAND.



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Example: 3 years ago, I was still working full time plus I had the home business that I was doing 80% of the work and he was doing 20%. I found out in April that my brother in law was dying of pancreatic cancer and my Dad had major heart surgery. My family lives 600 miles away BTW. I was extremely stressed to say the least. I made several trips to see family. I went alone every time. My husband said he couldn't find anyone to keep the dogs and to be fair he was building our house. My father passed away later that fall. It was a very rough year. During that year I was very emotional and stressed. My husband's solution was "Stop being stressed." Gee, thanks. During that summer, I went to the ER with chest pains and shortness of breath. Some friends drove me. I texted my husband from the ER and he said "Oh, where's your car". He never even came to the hospital, which was 15 minutes from our house. When I told him how devastating that was to me he said" What was I supposed to do, I'm not a dr." Really? Turns out I was severely dehydrated from a tennis match in 97 degree heat and the symptoms can mimic heart attack according to the ER doc. So I was OK, but I'll never understand how someone can do what he did.
You know... I find BOTH of these examples to be divorce-worthy offenses. Seriously. Partners do not do things like this. Spouses are supposed to have each others' backs, and be the one you can depend on when you are in need. He dismisses you entirely, according to him even your own emotions are invalid and of no significance.

(It seems you have triggered Mr Nail, whose wife is pretty much your husband, but he wont leave. )


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #32 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I do appreciate the thoughtful posts. Writing is therapeutic for me. I have been married before and I guess I am determined to make this one work. I have thought about leaving a lot lately, but I feel somewhat responsible for my husband.

I think that he has such a huge problem with interpersonal conflict with me (a wife) because he thinks it's too hard. He comes from a background of construction where you deal with your problems by yelling at people. And chatting/talking is not condoned on a jobsite because it is a safety issue. So he has never dealt much with interpersonal conflict other than yelling at his crew when they are careless.

His family was very closed off emotionally. When we first started seeing each other it was all very new and I was very different from most women he knew because I was into sports and action movies, and I made him laugh. I'm still the same person but in a relationship you go through ups and downs. I don't think he knows how to deal with those so he shuts down.
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post #33 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I do appreciate the thoughtful posts. Writing is therapeutic for me. I have been married before and I guess I am determined to make this one work. I have thought about leaving a lot lately, but I feel somewhat responsible for my husband.

I think that he has such a huge problem with interpersonal conflict with me (a wife) because he thinks it's too hard. He comes from a background of construction where you deal with your problems by yelling at people. And chatting/talking is not condoned on a jobsite because it is a safety issue. So he has never dealt much with interpersonal conflict other than yelling at his crew when they are careless.

His family was very closed off emotionally. When we first started seeing each other it was all very new and I was very different from most women he knew because I was into sports and action movies, and I made him laugh. I'm still the same person but in a relationship you go through ups and downs. I don't think he knows how to deal with those so he shuts down.
I think that is only half of the problem. The other half is that he has his dream property and you to pay the bills. So he has no incentive to get out and work for a living.

There is another book that might help you. But read it AFTER you read the co-dependent book: "Divorce Busting".

This is all about you focusing on yourself and taking the focus off of him.

Now about him not working (yea I know.. focusing on him for a minute here, but only so that you can encourage him to get back to work so you can focus on yourself.)

You are right that there are a lot of things that he can do based on his skill get. And he does not have to do heavy labor.

The home inspection idea is a very good one. Have you (or he) looked on line about how to set up a business doing this? There is a lot of info out there. What's good about the home inspection idea is that there is no heavy labor involved. He schedule appointments so that he also has time for to work on the land and the house. Plus, if he makes enough money at it, he could hire some help for the heavy labor on your property.

Gardening is probably a very good hobby for him. If he is struggling with it, look into the master gardener program where you live. They typically give a lot of free classes to teach people about gardening. He can get help that way. Plus it might get him out interacting with people.
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post #34 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I feel like I'm missing some posts. I don't see where the OP says that she belittles, complains, nags etc, so I don't understand some of the responses.

OP, I think people naturally map their own experiences onto descriptions, filling in the missing pieces. Are you a really hard working competent woman with a lazy, unromantic husband? Are you an evil controlling person who belittles him at every opportunity? Some people think the first, some the second. Only you know. Personally I don't see anything negative in your behavior from what you have posted.


A different question: Does your husband have good self respect? Does he believe he is talented and does valuable things?

I've seen failures both ways. I've seen men depressed because they think that they are worthless and so don't d anythign. I've also seen me who think that they are god's gift to the world and that their mere presence for you to bask in is all that one could ever ask for.
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post #35 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:32 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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This is my first post here, and I hope the post isn't too "all over the place". I'm feeling pretty low today. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and were together for about 5 years before we married. Both of us have been married before.

I'm probably not the first woman to say this, but my husband treats me like a roommate. I've been turning a blind eye for a long time and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his good qualities. But frankly, I'm getting tired. The end result of all of this is that I feel worthless. I don't ask him for anything, and as a result I get nothing. I wonder how we got to this point. I thought that being a fairly self sufficient woman would be an attractive quality to a man, but I guess I was wrong.

I'm not a particularly romantic person, but my husband does nothing to make me feel like I am important to him. I honestly can't think of anything he does for me. I don't think that he is doing things and I am missing them. I am the major breadwinner. I have an "almost" full time job (home based business) that I started 14 years ago. I also worked at a large company for 15 years and got laid off last year, so now I am trying to start a new self-employment business venture. My husband does not offer any help or encouragement. He used to help with the home business but he doesn't have very good office/computer skills or communication skills so I ended up doing all of the work. Now he won't help at all. He claims that he won't help because I have to do everything my way. I understand that to a degree. But my husbands background does not lend itself to the home based business and mine does. So it all comes easily to me. All I want is some help, but he says he doesn't want to "help". I think he finds it demeaning to help a woman. I'm not sure, but I suspect that's the case.

I work all the time, do the taxes, take care of our dogs, pay all the bills, clean the house, etc. I take care of "us", him and me. My husband does cook, but he does that because he likes to cook and eat. Plus, I agree to clean the kitchen. He never remembers anything. He has a horrible memory and his way of keeping up with anything is to ask me ........like I'm a walking encyclopedia/calendar/datebook. He doesn't say he appreciates anything I do or show appreciation in any way.

My husband never says anything complimentary to me, although he used to. I frequently tell him that he is a very good looking man (because he is) and tease him that so many women find him "hot". I'm in my 50's and active, so I'm in good physical condition. My husband is 10 years older than me so I understand that he is tired at times. He has some health issues (nothing debilitating) and I am always trying to help him deal with those. He, on the other hand, pretty much ignores any health problems I have.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I've held it together for a long time and now I feel like I'm going to blow. My husband has agreed to talk to a therapist (finally), but I don't really know that it will help. I don't see him changing at his age.
So your husband was self employed for 40 years as a general contractor and is now in his 60s? It sounds like he's just being an old man.

You say that he's had health problems but nothing debilitating? You may want to dig a little deeper. What are the problems? Does he snore or have sleep problems? Is he active? How is his weight? Has he had a physical or even seen a doctor lately? Some men don't like to talk about health problems, either physical or emotional. Something may be weighing on him and got him in a serious funk - or worse.
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post #36 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I didn't see it mentioned, get the book "The 5 Love Languages". Both of you read it & take the quiz at the end.

A lot of guys just don't relate to how opposite communication needs can be in a marriage.
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post #37 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
So in other words, you want a HUSBAND.





You know... I find BOTH of these examples to be divorce-worthy offenses. Seriously. Partners do not do things like this. Spouses are supposed to have each others' backs, and be the one you can depend on when you are in need. He dismisses you entirely, according to him even your own emotions are invalid and of no significance.

(It seems you have triggered Mr Nail, whose wife is pretty much your husband, but he wont leave. )
Right?! Seriously shocked at some of the responses here. I don't care how much resentment you have or how bruised your ego is, if your spouse ends up in the ER you drop what you are doing and you go to them. If a parent dies, you drop what you are doing and you go to the funeral. That's just common human decency. Things I would do for a coworker.

Also - I can see both sides here and that yea, maybe he is threatened by you being TOO self sufficient (he thinks you don't "need" him). But a grown adult should be able to tell you with their words what they want and need out of their relationship if they are unhappy. I think that is what makes me most angry when I see men chiming in that he's been giving you hints that he's checked out. "Hints" and the associated behavior of sulking and withdrawing from you are childish. A grown adult should tell you plainly that they are unhappy and what you did to contribute to that, so that it can be fixed.
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post #38 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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So why the heck are you married to this guy????



Here is what tends to be a red flag for me: When a poster comes here and says "always" and "never" about their spouse. Nobody is "always" indifferent" or "never" kind. You know what they say. There is your side, his side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. I am in no way trying to undermine what you are saying, but if the guy is this big of a screw-up, then why are you even wasting the energy venting about him?



It is obvious you can take care of yourself. So why take care of him too?


She's just frustrated and venting, that's why it's coming off the way it is. Your portraying her in a terrible light.
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post #39 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I completely disagree with @Mr. Nail

I understand the OP. She doesn't want to divorce him, she loves him, she is just frustrated and I understand why. When men are flailing... they do one of 2 things, get motivated and let it drive them. OR it makes them depressed, feel worthless and they play pitty party. I mean really... is it too much to ask for some help? Is he that insecure that he can't tell his wife she's Doing a great job, he appreciates her, he thinks she a hot sexy piece of ass. No it's not.

He seems depressed. He may need you to help inspire him and put some life into him. Unfortunelty the saying goes... when your man is down and out, you have to get up and on. I get that you want him to help you, and he should. But he can't help you right now Bc he's in a hole. I think you need to help him get out of that hole, so then he can help you if that makes sense.

My advice... be careful what you say to him. He feels worthless and there is nothing worse than a man without confidence. And sometimes when you try to give him advice or whatever it may emasculate him even more. (Even if you are right). Male egos are a piece of work. Just work on making him feel like a man, and try therapy.
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post #40 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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She's just frustrated and venting, that's why it's coming off the way it is. Your portraying her in a terrible light.
If you don't like what I have to say, block me.


I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #41 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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If you don't like what I have to say, block me.


I just disagree. It's not that serious.
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post #42 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.
Where did you get the information to form this conclusion by the fifth post?

Does it come from another thread because I honestly don't see any support for it in her posts here.

Wow.

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post #43 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Where did you get the information to form this conclusion by the fifth post?

Does it come from another thread because I honestly don't see any support for it in her posts here.

Wow.
I suspect that he is projecting his own situation on the OP's husband. I'm tempted to do so myself, though I am not nearly that old. I would rather just try to prompt the OP to see things from his perspective. I also think that reading the 5 Love Languages might help. It would at least get her to try and think that way in order to understand him. I'd wager that she similarly frustrates him.
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post #44 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:11 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

From my opinion, you can still choose relationship counselor. Counselor will examine the reasons behind issues, will let you accept them and find the right ways to deal with them. So you can improve your loving engagement, nagging issues, and strengthen your communication skills through private exercises with your partner.
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post #45 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:15 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

My poor, poor dear. I am so sorry. I have no encouragement or advice to offer other than to try to nourish, soothe, and satisfy yourself. I am so very sorry.

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