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post #46 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by Midge View Post
I think you are one of those guys who thinks men are superior and are supposed to be worshiped while women simply exist to serve men. When men do basic everyday things they are supposed to be thanked. But when women do everyday things it's just expected I guess. No need to thank them....after all that is their place in life.
That's pretty much a description of most men, sadly. They seem to think being born with male genitalia somehow precludes them from having to do much of anything once their lazy asses are home from work and planted on the couch at home.

Women are expected to be Super Woman and carry the overwhelming burden of all the domestic chores, the clear majority of the child-rearing AND many are also expected to work full time outside the home while doing it. Someone has to do it all while these lazy asses lay on the couch all night watching reruns of Bay Watch or playing their ignorant video games. Some of them think messing up the kitchen one night and using all the ingredients that YOU went out and shopped for and making some 'specialty' dinner of theirs - that YOU get to clean up after - somehow makes up for their extreme lack of motivation for the other 99% of the time.

It does not.

Yet, some of these replies indicate you should be praising him up and down and jumping all over the kitchen and praising him to the heavens to make sure HIS efforts are recognized so that HE feels like he's accomplished something and that you're oh, so grateful to be cleaning up his mess after he's managed to throw some chicken and pasta on a plate. Gee, that ALMOST makes up for you doing 98% of everything else all the rest of the time, doesn't it?

Be still my beating heart.

This is exactly why I laugh my ass off every time I hear some fool man whine and cry about how marriage is a big trap for HIM and he should avoid it all costs because it only benefits the woman. What a complete joke.

Add on the fact that he's a complete emotional cripple and brings nothing to the table in the way of love, respect, and support, and that pretty much leaves you with a whole lot of nothing. I'd kick his ass FOR you if I could.

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post #47 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:09 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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That's pretty much a description of most men, sadly. They seem to think being born with male genitalia somehow precludes them from having to do much of anything once their lazy asses are home from work and planted on the couch at home.

Women are expected to be Super Woman and carry the overwhelming burden of all the domestic chores, the clear majority of the child-rearing AND many are also expected to work full time outside the home while doing it. Someone has to do it all while these lazy asses lay on the couch all night watching reruns of Bay Watch or playing their ignorant video games. Some of them think messing up the kitchen one night and using all the ingredients that YOU went out and shopped for and making some 'specialty' dinner of theirs - that YOU get to clean up after - somehow makes up for their extreme lack of motivation for the other 99% of the time.

It does not.

Yet, some of these replies indicate you should be praising him up and down and jumping all over the kitchen and praising him to the heavens to make sure HIS efforts are recognized so that HE feels like he's accomplished something and that you're oh, so grateful to be cleaning up his mess after he's managed to throw some chicken and pasta on a plate. Gee, that ALMOST makes up for you doing 98% of everything else all the rest of the time, doesn't it?

Be still my beating heart.

This is exactly why I laugh my ass off every time I hear some fool man whine and cry about how marriage is a big trap for HIM and he should avoid it all costs because it only benefits the woman. What a complete joke.

Add on the fact that he's a complete emotional cripple and brings nothing to the table in the way of love, respect, and support, and that pretty much leaves you with a whole lot of nothing. I'd kick his ass FOR you if I could.
If this is how you were treated, it is terrible.

The fact that you think most men behave this way is even worse.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #48 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I feel like I'm missing some posts. I don't see where the OP says that she belittles, complains, nags etc, so I don't understand some of the responses.

OP, I think people naturally map their own experiences onto descriptions, filling in the missing pieces. Are you a really hard working competent woman with a lazy, unromantic husband? Are you an evil controlling person who belittles him at every opportunity? Some people think the first, some the second. Only you know. Personally I don't see anything negative in your behavior from what you have posted.


A different question: Does your husband have good self respect? Does he believe he is talented and does valuable things?

I've seen failures both ways. I've seen men depressed because they think that they are worthless and so don't d anythign. I've also seen me who think that they are god's gift to the world and that their mere presence for you to bask in is all that one could ever ask for.
I don't belittle and nag. I'm not that kind of person. I am a firm believer that once you say something, it can't be unsaid so be careful what you say in anger. My husband, on the other hand, does not think that way. He's not a vicious person, but when provoked he can say some nasty things. And he is not one to come back later and say "I'm sorry, I said that in anger. I didn't mean it." So when he says things and doesn't apologize later, he must have meant what he said.

I feel like my husband puts me in a catch 22. He constantly forgets things, some important, some not important. He also frequently says to me "Remind me to ........fill in the blank here with any number of tasks, appointments, etc." But if I remind him more than once I am "nagging". The end result for me is I do as much as I possibly can so that I know things get done. I don't like asking other people to do things for me, so I don't ask him for much of anything.

I am posting here because I am at my wits end. I've been holding all of this inside and ignoring things for years. I know that is not healthy. And yes, I am seeing a therapist. My therapist says I am an overly responsible person. I don't air dirty laundry with friends and I have no family close by so I talk to a therapist. I have suggested marriage counseling but my husband has resisted. He FINALLY agreed to talk to a therapist and has been to 3 sessions. The therapist talked to me once for background data. Last night I asked my husband about how it was going and he said "I think he (therapist) is about ready to wrap things up." I thought......what?? 3 or 4 sessions and that's all. Wow.

Here are some random thoughts and nagging issues that may fill in blanks for the nice people posting here.

1) I do think many (not all) men have some inner need to be praised by their wives. But they often don't think of reciprocating. Many men take women for granted.

2) My husband puts many responsibilities on me without thinking. One of my dogs (100 lb labrador) had some terrible skin problems and infections. I had to bathe him frequently with different medicated shampoos, and I tried a lot of different things. I tried to get my husband to help because it was hard on my back and the poor dog hated the baths. My husband wouldn't help because "I don't want the dog to not like me." He said this with a smile. And I asked was it OK for the dog not to like me and he just laughed. I loved that dog so much. He was a very special dog. He ended up getting a terrible kidney infection and the vet couldn't save him. The dog had to be put to sleep. When the time came, my husband said "I can't do it. You'll have to". So I had to go by myself to the vet. IT was truly horrible for me and I tear up every time I think of it. I had no choice in the matter. It had to be done so I did it. My husband got a choice because I am responsible and shouldered the responsibility. He also never thanked me.

3) A few years ago I had a "female" minor procedure that required anesthesia, which affects me far more than most people. On the way home I told my husband to stop at CVS so I could get an item plus a post-op prescription filled. He sat in the car rather than offering to get the scrip for me. I went in and started to feel sick. I asked the clerk where the bathroom was because I was feeling sick and dizzy. She told me, and I had a really hard time getting in there because I was so dizzy. I made it in, managed not to vomit, and sat there for a little while to recover. I recovered somewhat, went out and got my prescription and another item I needed. I was in CVS way longer than I should have been. My husband sat in the car and never came in to see if anything may be wrong. When I said something about it later he just blew it off, like so what. He said how was he supposed to know I was sick.

4) In 2015 I had knee surgery. It was a done on a Tuesday. My husband had agreed to volunteer at a tennis tournament out of town that weekend and he needed t leave on Thursday. He had gotten his dates wrong and I am the one that caught the fact that he had the tournament dates wrong. It was the tournament directors fault technically because she had given wrong dates. Anyway, bottom line is that I was the one who caught the error and pointed out to my husband that I was having surgery on Tuesday and he was planning to leave town Thursday morning for the tournament. He didn't see the big deal. I threw a fit and got so upset I cried. Post op instructions are that someone should be around for a few days to help in case of complications. He ended up relenting and stayed home with me. But he resented it greatly and said I was being ridiculous. My surgery went well and I was doing well and getting around by Friday. My husband said something along the lines of......see, I could have gone to the tournament. I was devastated because he felt more obligation to volunteer at a tennis tournament that to take care of me after surgery. And he can't understand why I hold a grudge.


5) I do think my husband is depressed. I think it bothers him greatly that I am very responsible and he knows deep down that there are problems.

6) I can't figure out if my husband really just doesn't like me at all, or he is just dead on the inside and has no idea of what it means to care about somebody. I asked if he wanted me to leave and he says "No", but in a pouty juvenile way. He pouts and won't talk to me for days on end when I confront him about anything at all. I ALWAYS have to be the one to break the silence and make peace when he stops talking. It makes me feel so alone and empty.

7) I hung in there and put on a brave face for a long time. For the last 2 months I cry at least once a day.....always when no one is around. I have long drives to and from office, tennis, etc because we live so far out now. The whole drive I think about how lonely I am and how can a person treat their wife like such garbage. How can a person treat someone as though they don't care at all and claim to not want that person to leave and not want a divorce? It's so contradictory.

8) I feel so guilty for posting here, even though it's an anonymous board to help people. I feel like I am cheating on my husband.

Last edited by Midge; 03-06-2017 at 01:27 PM. Reason: typo
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post #49 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I'm sorry to say that your husband is a poor excuse for a human being and a pile of crap for a husband. He doesn't give a rat's patoot about you.
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post #50 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I have been following your thread. I do think your husband is depressed. I also think he lacks the empathy chip. You can make his surroundings as joyful and fulfilling as you can muster, but when it gets down to brass tacks, no one is responsible for another's happiness. In his defense, he does have reason to feel depressed- he doesnt feel useful. Not a good feeling.

Re: his asking you to remind him of things. Does he have a phone with a calendar? Tell him to start using it. I realize you're a do-er (i am too, im always moving around and doing something and i like helping people), but you do too much for him. And it's been to your detriment for years. He's a big boy and you're not his mother. He can use his calendar to remind him of things. I live by my google calendar. It's part of my daily life.

Re:feeling lonely although you have a husband. I used to be in a physically abusive long term relationship (way different from you, i realize this). I used to have a 40 minute commute each way and i dreaded the drive home. I would cry my eyes out. I would even burst into tears at work, grocery store, and workout classes! I would see these happy couples be so kind and considerate and respectful to each other. I thought, i can have that too. Im tired of trying to help my abusive bf get some mental health help. Im tired of steering the ship and being able to count only on myself. He was a liability to me. I was just SO.DAMN. TIRED. It shouldn't be this hard!

i kicked him out after 12 arduous years. Best thing ive ever done!

Im not saying kick H to the curb; im saying i can so relate to your feelings.

Have you thought that H is contradictory in words and actions because guess what? If you were to leave, he'd have to handle his own life. You wouldn't be there to do everything he doesn't want to deal with. That's pretty enticing to stay if the other partner is willing to do the heavy lifting. He gets to act as pissy as he wants, knowing you will be there to tolerate it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Your recount of the myriad of your health scares and your H's treatment of you during those times makes me so sad for you.

That's great he's going to therapy but i just dont think he gets it. I'm not sure that at this stage in his life, that he'll change. So the burden to effect change is on you.
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post #51 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
I'm sorry to say that your husband is a poor excuse for a human being and a pile of crap for a husband. He doesn't give a rat's patoot about you.


I get more support from my 20 year old daughter.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #52 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Midge, there are 2 likely reasons why a therapist will end therapy after 3-4 sessions. One is your husband is remarkably mentally healthy and the therapist literally can't do much more for him (he's not). The other and more likely reason is that your husband has massively glossed over his problems and the therapist wrongly thinks there isn't much more to be done here. Your husband sees nothing wrong with treating you this way. It's not even something on his radar worth mentioning to his therapist.

Your only hope here is marriage counseling where you can air out your grievances and get some validation and support. That instance where he saw no problem with the fact that you were unable to leave a bathroom in CVS because you were too dizzy and nauseous as no big deal speaks volumes about how he views you. He just doesn't care. Maybe his empathy chip is broken like someone else said. But if all he does is hurt you and make you feel lonely, and this is not something he can fix at the end of the day, does it really matter? It doesn't mean you have to put up with it or stay married to someone who makes you feel terrible just because they can't help it or can't change it. If a woman you stand next to on a bus every day can't help stepping on your foot every bus ride, would you keep standing next to her and getting your foot stepped on? Of course not. You deserve the right to look out for yourself and your well being even from people who aren't hurting you intentionally and that applies to your husband too. If he can't change, by every measure you can and should find someone who meets your needs.
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post #53 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

From everything I'm seeing, it seems that is is really not doing his part. That happens: A friend of mine's husband stopped working 10 years ago. and simply decided not to get another job. He doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't help her, just has fun with friends while she supports him. He is an adult child.

It seems like your husband may be the same. He may have never understood the sort of responsibilities that real adults have. Has never understood that he should help and protect you as you help and protect him.

Unless I'm missing something he sounds like a worthless human being.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Midge View Post
I don't belittle and nag. I'm not that kind of person. I am a firm believer that once you say something, it can't be unsaid so be careful what you say in anger. My husband, on the other hand, does not think that way. He's not a vicious person, but when provoked he can say some nasty things. And he is not one to come back later and say "I'm sorry, I said that in anger. I didn't mean it." So when he says things and doesn't apologize later, he must have meant what he said.

I feel like my husband puts me in a catch 22. He constantly forgets things, some important, some not important. He also frequently says to me "Remind me to ........fill in the blank here with any number of tasks, appointments, etc." But if I remind him more than once I am "nagging". The end result for me is I do as much as I possibly can so that I know things get done. I don't like asking other people to do things for me, so I don't ask him for much of anything.

I am posting here because I am at my wits end. I've been holding all of this inside and ignoring things for years. I know that is not healthy. And yes, I am seeing a therapist. My therapist says I am an overly responsible person. I don't air dirty laundry with friends and I have no family close by so I talk to a therapist. I have suggested marriage counseling but my husband has resisted. He FINALLY agreed to talk to a therapist and has been to 3 sessions. The therapist talked to me once for background data. Last night I asked my husband about how it was going and he said "I think he (therapist) is about ready to wrap things up." I thought......what?? 3 or 4 sessions and that's all. Wow.

Here are some random thoughts and nagging issues that may fill in blanks for the nice people posting here.

1) I do think many (not all) men have some inner need to be praised by their wives. But they often don't think of reciprocating. Many men take women for granted.

2) My husband puts many responsibilities on me without thinking. One of my dogs (100 lb labrador) had some terrible skin problems and infections. I had to bathe him frequently with different medicated shampoos, and I tried a lot of different things. I tried to get my husband to help because it was hard on my back and the poor dog hated the baths. My husband wouldn't help because "I don't want the dog to not like me." He said this with a smile. And I asked was it OK for the dog not to like me and he just laughed. I loved that dog so much. He was a very special dog. He ended up getting a terrible kidney infection and the vet couldn't save him. The dog had to be put to sleep. When the time came, my husband said "I can't do it. You'll have to". So I had to go by myself to the vet. IT was truly horrible for me and I tear up every time I think of it. I had no choice in the matter. It had to be done so I did it. My husband got a choice because I am responsible and shouldered the responsibility. He also never thanked me.

3) A few years ago I had a "female" minor procedure that required anesthesia, which affects me far more than most people. On the way home I told my husband to stop at CVS so I could get an item plus a post-op prescription filled. He sat in the car rather than offering to get the scrip for me. I went in and started to feel sick. I asked the clerk where the bathroom was because I was feeling sick and dizzy. She told me, and I had a really hard time getting in there because I was so dizzy. I made it in, managed not to vomit, and sat there for a little while to recover. I recovered somewhat, went out and got my prescription and another item I needed. I was in CVS way longer than I should have been. My husband sat in the car and never came in to see if anything may be wrong. When I said something about it later he just blew it off, like so what. He said how was he supposed to know I was sick.

4) In 2015 I had knee surgery. It was a done on a Tuesday. My husband had agreed to volunteer at a tennis tournament out of town that weekend and he needed t leave on Thursday. He had gotten his dates wrong and I am the one that caught the fact that he had the tournament dates wrong. It was the tournament directors fault technically because she had given wrong dates. Anyway, bottom line is that I was the one who caught the error and pointed out to my husband that I was having surgery on Tuesday and he was planning to leave town Thursday morning for the tournament. He didn't see the big deal. I threw a fit and got so upset I cried. Post op instructions are that someone should be around for a few days to help in case of complications. He ended up relenting and stayed home with me. But he resented it greatly and said I was being ridiculous. My surgery went well and I was doing well and getting around by Friday. My husband said something along the lines of......see, I could have gone to the tournament. I was devastated because he felt more obligation to volunteer at a tennis tournament that to take care of me after surgery. And he can't understand why I hold a grudge.


5) I do think my husband is depressed. I think it bothers him greatly that I am very responsible and he knows deep down that there are problems.

6) I can't figure out if my husband really just doesn't like me at all, or he is just dead on the inside and has no idea of what it means to care about somebody. I asked if he wanted me to leave and he says "No", but in a pouty juvenile way. He pouts and won't talk to me for days on end when I confront him about anything at all. I ALWAYS have to be the one to break the silence and make peace when he stops talking. It makes me feel so alone and empty.

7) I hung in there and put on a brave face for a long time. For the last 2 months I cry at least once a day.....always when no one is around. I have long drives to and from office, tennis, etc because we live so far out now. The whole drive I think about how lonely I am and how can a person treat their wife like such garbage. How can a person treat someone as though they don't care at all and claim to not want that person to leave and not want a divorce? It's so contradictory.

8) I feel so guilty for posting here, even though it's an anonymous board to help people. I feel like I am cheating on my husband.
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post #54 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:06 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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His family was very closed off emotionally. When we first started seeing each other it was all very new and I was very different from most women he knew because I was into sports and action movies, and I made him laugh. I'm still the same person but in a relationship you go through ups and downs. I don't think he knows how to deal with those so he shuts down.
Well, there you go. He IS what he grew up with. You can't expect him to know how to - or WANT to - be emotional.

What you CAN do is build up healthy boundaries and consequences over what you'll accept in your life, and seek out other ways to get what you need emotionally if he's incapable. And he is incapable. At least unless he goes to about 4 years of intensive, weekly therapy to deconstruct what he learned growing up and replace it with healthy actions.
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post #55 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Midge I dont have alot of advice for you but wanted you to know that I very much understand what you are going through. Your husband sounds exactly like my first husband. It truly never occured to him that he should ever have to do anything that did not directly benefit him. I later came to understand that he had at the very least strong narcissist traits if not a full blown narcissist. If that is the case for your husband he will not change.

You have two choices if you choose to stay. Continue to be diminished emotionally and spiritually until you disappear entirely or refuse to continue to be his narcissistic supply. If you choose the latter he will eventually decide to move on and feed off someone else.

Try reading on narcissistic personality disorder so you can at least get an understanding of what you might be dealing with.

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post #56 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:36 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I am a man and a husband and I just want to say I think he sucks. What kind of a man lets his wife take care of him and doesn't honor and do the same in return. I pretty lame excuse for one.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-08-2017 at 06:26 PM.
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post #57 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:51 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I think the basic question here is "do you want to understand what he's thinking or do you just want to cut him loose?" Clearly there is something wrong with him, but what I'm hearing from you is "I've done enough, it's HIS turn to act." Have you talked to him about this stuff with some forethought so as to keep him from going on the defensive and shutting down?
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post #58 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I think the basic question here is "do you want to understand what he's thinking or do you just want to cut him loose?" Clearly there is something wrong with him, but what I'm hearing from you is "I've done enough, it's HIS turn to act." Have you talked to him about this stuff with some forethought so as to keep him from going on the defensive and shutting down?
I want to understand what he's thinking. Yes, I have talked to him and tried different ways and he gets very defensive. He walks out, won't talk or answers questions with "I don't know." He frequently says, "That's how I was brought up." When I point out that he wasn't like this early in the relationship and ask him what's changed, he can't answer. He also says that I need to get over anything that happened in the past. I can't seem to do that because I don't see any great change.
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post #59 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by Midge View Post
I want to understand what he's thinking. Yes, I have talked to him and tried different ways and he gets very defensive. He walks out, won't talk or answers questions with "I don't know." He frequently says, "That's how I was brought up." When I point out that he wasn't like this early in the relationship and ask him what's changed, he can't answer. He also says that I need to get over anything that happened in the past. I can't seem to do that because I don't see any great change.
You have amassed a nice collection of grudges. Are they making you happier?

-- just another Fool Man

PS my advice to your Husband would not be the same things I'm trying to tell you, but then he isn't here to ask.
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post #60 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Well, the therapist wants to see us together next week. It will be interesting. But, I don't think things will change if we don't air grievances.

The odd thing about all this is that his ex did nothing. And I mean nothing. Didn't work and expected him to to take off work to take kids to Dr. He made lunches, saw them to bus while she slept in. He said basically all she did was talk on phone all day. She told him that she married to be taken care of. He worked 7 days a week for years.


Fast forward 20 years and things are reversed. I think my husband hit a crossroad with his work several years ago, and froze. Then got depressed. I got resentful because I hit crossroads & chose a path. I've never felt like I had a choice.
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