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post #61 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
That's pretty much a description of most men, sadly. They seem to think being born with male genitalia somehow precludes them from having to do much of anything once their lazy asses are home from work and planted on the couch at home.

Women are expected to be Super Woman and carry the overwhelming burden of all the domestic chores, the clear majority of the child-rearing AND many are also expected to work full time outside the home while doing it. Someone has to do it all while these lazy asses lay on the couch all night watching reruns of Bay Watch or playing their ignorant video games. Some of them think messing up the kitchen one night and using all the ingredients that YOU went out and shopped for and making some 'specialty' dinner of theirs - that YOU get to clean up after - somehow makes up for their extreme lack of motivation for the other 99% of the time.

It does not.

Yet, some of these replies indicate you should be praising him up and down and jumping all over the kitchen and praising him to the heavens to make sure HIS efforts are recognized so that HE feels like he's accomplished something and that you're oh, so grateful to be cleaning up his mess after he's managed to throw some chicken and pasta on a plate. Gee, that ALMOST makes up for you doing 98% of everything else all the rest of the time, doesn't it?

Be still my beating heart.

This is exactly why I laugh my ass off every time I hear some fool man whine and cry about how marriage is a big trap for HIM and he should avoid it all costs because it only benefits the woman. What a complete joke.

Add on the fact that he's a complete emotional cripple and brings nothing to the table in the way of love, respect, and support, and that pretty much leaves you with a whole lot of nothing. I'd kick his ass FOR you if I could.

Wow your view of men sounds really bitter, angry and frankly extremely wrong. Not all men are lazy and expect their wife's to do all the work, as it would not be fair to generalize and say that all woman are lazy ad expect their men to do everything.

My husband is not lazy. He does not come home from work and sit on the couch. He does 50% of the housework, cooking and childrearing and I don't ask, nag or manipulate him to do so. I do however express my appreciation for what he does with words and phycial touch, just as he expresses his appreciation for what i do with words and physical touch. It's called being nice and considerate.

I think what Mr nail was trying to suggest to you is to give your husband what you want to get out of the marriage. If you want words of encouragement, give them. If you want romance, give him romance. If he does make an effort to do something no matter how little, please let him know how much it meant to you. Make him feel good about himself. I for one would not want to be married to someone who makes me feel bad about myself.

Healthy men wants to please their wifes, they will do just about anything to please them, but if they constantly get negative feedback, nagging about how it's not done right, fast enough , good enough, then they will stop trying. You are not going to try to please your wife if all you do is get "kicked" in return.

Men are also pretty clueless when it comes to emotions and you need to be direct with what you want. They do not like to play games. If you feel you are doing too much around the house, stop doing it all and tell him nicely, i need you to take over these chores.

You may feel like your husband does not do thing to encourage you or appreciate you as you are looking for things you would think show these emotions, but you need to look for things men think would show these emotions. Of course once a husband reaches the point of giving up, all these things will stop as they feel it's pointless to try.

I know it seems unfair that you need to make the first move, but frankly woman have a lot of power in a relationship. If he's not depressed or a damages man he will change as you change , but it takes time and it doesn't happen over night. If being a little nicer and "rewarding" your husband for a "job" well done makes him feel better about himself, he will be a better version of himself. It's not going to hurt you to say thank you more, or i appreciate that, or you are so good with your hands, look at this wonderful house you build us...etc

If you truly believe your husband is depressed, please encourage him to seek treatment.

It's hard to give feedback on situations where we do not know they other persons thoughts or feeling. My own personally experience was when i started treating my husband better, rewarding him and showing my gratitude for what he does for our family and letting him be a man and not have to make excuses for it, he changed dramatically. He went from the most unromantic man who barely said i love you, to leaving me love notes in the morning, running me baths with flowers all around the bathroom, planning picnics, leaving flowers in my car to find after work, giving me compliments...etc

I hope you can turn your marriage around. You deserve all the things you want, and if your husband is not damaged, you can and will get them from him. All the best.

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post #62 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I think what Mr nail was trying to suggest to you is to give your husband what you want to get out of the marriage. If you want words of encouragement, give them. If you want romance, give him romance. If he does make an effort to do something no matter how little, please let him know how much it meant to you. Make him feel good about himself. I for one would not want to be married to someone who makes me feel bad about myself.

Healthy men wants to please their wifes, they will do just about anything to please them, but if they constantly get negative feedback, nagging about how it's not done right, fast enough , good enough, then they will stop trying. You are not going to try to please your wife if all you do is get "kicked" in return.

Men are also pretty clueless when it comes to emotions and you need to be direct with what you want. They do not like to play games. If you feel you are doing too much around the house, stop doing it all and tell him nicely, i need you to take over these chores.

You may feel like your husband does not do thing to encourage you or appreciate you as you are looking for things you would think show these emotions, but you need to look for things men think would show these emotions. Of course once a husband reaches the point of giving up, all these things will stop as they feel it's pointless to try.

I know it seems unfair that you need to make the first move, but frankly woman have a lot of power in a relationship. If he's not depressed or a damages man he will change as you change , but it takes time and it doesn't happen over night. If being a little nicer and "rewarding" your husband for a "job" well done makes him feel better about himself, he will be a better version of himself. It's not going to hurt you to say thank you more, or i appreciate that, or you are so good with your hands, look at this wonderful house you build us...etc

If you truly believe your husband is depressed, please encourage him to seek treatment.

It's hard to give feedback on situations where we do not know they other persons thoughts or feeling. My own personally experience was when i started treating my husband better, rewarding him and showing my gratitude for what he does for our family and letting him be a man and not have to make excuses for it, he changed dramatically. He went from the most unromantic man who barely said i love you, to leaving me love notes in the morning, running me baths with flowers all around the bathroom, planning picnics, leaving flowers in my car to find after work, giving me compliments...etc

I hope you can turn your marriage around. You deserve all the things you want, and if your husband is not damaged, you can and will get them from him. All the best.
The reason I am frustrated is because I do show him gratitude for anything that he does, but he doesn't reciprocate. I give him emotional support but he does not reciprocate.

I truly don't like to cook, so I always tell my husband that I appreciate the fact that he cooks most nights. When he overcooks something or tries something new and it doesn't turn out so great (which happens to everyone) I always say "You'll never get a complaint from me about that. I don't want to cook so I'm certainly not going to complain that the steak is a little overdone."

In one of my posts I made a statement that I was not "particularly romantic". What I was trying to express was that I don't ask for much and am not demanding. I'm not a teenager who thinks life is like the movies or TV. I don't need a man to give me flowers. I like gifts, but practical one make more sense to me. I only need a man to run my bath water if I am physically incapacitated. What I need is someone to help me out when I need it, like getting a prescription when I am too sick. I have taken my husband for minor surgery a couple of times and no one had to tell me that I need to go into CVS to get the prescription filled. No one had to tell me that I need to stay close by for a while to make sure there were no complications. I just did it, because I wanted to and that's what you do for your husband. And I certainly never complained about it. I think a lot of people's idea of being romantic are things done for show. I am more about substance than show.

What I expect from a marriage is equal treatment. Both partners should be treated with respect and both should show appreciation for the other. Both partners should be there when the other is sick. When one does these things and the other does not reciprocate it causes friction. People go through ups and downs so there are times when one has to be a bit more supportive while the other may be in a rough spot. That is normal.

I don't understand why people are posting here that I "nag" or call my husband "worthless". Huh? I don't do that. I'd rather do things myself (if I can) than have to remind someone else. I've never called my husband names at all. I usually say nothing, and I think my husband takes that as "all is ok."
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post #63 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:16 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

My H is the same - if I'm not saying something out loud, all is fine. And he has a short memory. He REALLY blew it Friday - I was so livid I couldn't even talk to him. And what does he do this morning? Try to have sex. When I said no, he asked why. I said because I'm still upset about Friday and I can't be intimate with you. He was shocked, because I almost NEVER tell him when he is doing something wrong; I just carry on. So for me to say so out loud - and for him to get a REAL consequence (no sex), really shook him up.

I suggest you start sharing your honesty more often. Let him start seeing how often you are affected.

If you're afraid of getting him mad, use the 'drive-by' approach to share your feelings: when you're getting ready to leave the house, stop by him, say a simple statement (you hurt my feelings when you ABC), and then turn and leave. Leave him alone with that fact. Hours later, when you return, he'll either address it or store it away. If he addresses it, you're more likely to have a productive talk; if he just stores it away, well, he'll start storing away a LOT of such issues and it will probably start having an effect on him.
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post #64 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:37 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by Midge View Post
The reason I am frustrated is because I do show him gratitude for anything that he does, but he doesn't reciprocate. I give him emotional support but he does not reciprocate.

I truly don't like to cook, so I always tell my husband that I appreciate the fact that he cooks most nights. When he overcooks something or tries something new and it doesn't turn out so great (which happens to everyone) I always say "You'll never get a complaint from me about that. I don't want to cook so I'm certainly not going to complain that the steak is a little overdone."

In one of my posts I made a statement that I was not "particularly romantic". What I was trying to express was that I don't ask for much and am not demanding. I'm not a teenager who thinks life is like the movies or TV. I don't need a man to give me flowers. I like gifts, but practical one make more sense to me. I only need a man to run my bath water if I am physically incapacitated. What I need is someone to help me out when I need it, like getting a prescription when I am too sick. I have taken my husband for minor surgery a couple of times and no one had to tell me that I need to go into CVS to get the prescription filled. No one had to tell me that I need to stay close by for a while to make sure there were no complications. I just did it, because I wanted to and that's what you do for your husband. And I certainly never complained about it. I think a lot of people's idea of being romantic are things done for show. I am more about substance than show.

What I expect from a marriage is equal treatment. Both partners should be treated with respect and both should show appreciation for the other. Both partners should be there when the other is sick. When one does these things and the other does not reciprocate it causes friction. People go through ups and downs so there are times when one has to be a bit more supportive while the other may be in a rough spot. That is normal.

I don't understand why people are posting here that I "nag" or call my husband "worthless". Huh? I don't do that. I'd rather do things myself (if I can) than have to remind someone else. I've never called my husband names at all. I usually say nothing, and I think my husband takes that as "all is ok."
I don't understand it either since your pots have made it very clear that you are not doing what some posters seem to think you are. I'd suggest just ignoring those posts or a brief answer telling them to please re-read your previous posts as you have already negated their take on things.

Your husband is clearly not there for you in any way at all . What are you planning on doing?
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post #65 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I don't understand it either since your pots have made it very clear that you are not doing what some posters seem to think you are. I'd suggest just ignoring those posts or a brief answer telling them to please re-read your previous posts as you have already negated their take on things.

Your husband is clearly not there for you in any way at all . What are you planning on doing?
I think her post has got some people unsettled as they see themselves in it and therefore rather than let it sink in and ruminate, they shoot first, it's a 'defensive' mechanism, no-one likes to be confronted with the not so nice aspects of their personality or reality.
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post #66 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I don't understand why people are posting here that I "nag" or call my husband "worthless". Huh? I don't do that. I'd rather do things myself (if I can) than have to remind someone else. I've never called my husband names at all. I usually say nothing, and I think my husband takes that as "all is ok."
Honestly, I dont get it either. Your husband is not there for you in any way, shape, or form, and personally, I think you need to get out.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #67 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

@Midge

I was only suggesting that you take a look at how you interact with your husband as you could be doing things that you don't even know are damaging your husband and causing him to shut down and not give you what you need out of the marriage. I can't nor can anyone else tell you if you are or are not doing this. You need to be honest with yourself. If you feel you're doing your part and your husband is still not pulling his weight in this marriage than you may have married a man incapable of change. There are always two sides to each story and frankly we can be biases as to not see our own faults and see things from our perspective. Your husband may be taking some of your words and action in a negative way that are in your mind not intended to be negative at all. It's easy to misread someone and just assume they are feeling what we "think" they should be feeling or to not understand that they interpret something we did to mean something to never complety different than what we meant to do/say.

Either way you need to realize that you still need to make the first move, whether it be to change the way you interact with your husband or to not tolerate the behaviour and treatment you get from him, you still have all the power. If you truly feel that this is just who your husband is and that he wont change, then stop wasting your time and his and move on. You deserve to be happy and if your husband isn't contributing to that happiness than you deserve to find someone who will.

Just remember that the grass if not always greener on the other side, it's the greenest where you water it. I have known countless people separate and leave their spouse to realize later on that they really didn't have it that bad and regret their decsion to leave.

Have you had any luck with seeing your marriage therapist? Have you sat down with your husband and laid out all of the feeling and frustrations you have that you have told us here? If anyone can help you understand why he's like this it's him. Maybe if he realizes that you are not going to stick around to live in a marriage like this, he might change.
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post #68 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:14 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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@MidgeI was only suggesting that you take a look at how you interact with your husband as you could be doing things that you don't even know are damaging your husband and causing him to shut down and not give you what you need out of the marriage. I can't nor can anyone else tell you if you are or are not doing this. You need to be honest with yourself. If you feel you're doing your part and your husband is still not pulling his weight in this marriage than you may have married a man incapable of change. There are always two sides to each story and frankly we can be biases as to not see our own faults and see things from our perspective. Your husband may be taking some of your words and action in a negative way that are in your mind not intended to be negative at all. It's easy to misread someone and just assume they are feeling what we "think" they should be feeling or to not understand that they interpret something we did to mean something to never complety different than what we meant to do/say.
I understand what you're saying, however what could @Midge (or I) have possibly done to cause our spouses to neglect us to the point of endangering our health and safety?

She has described psychopathic behavior on the part of her spouse ... as could I, as I'm sure could EleGirl.
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post #69 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:27 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I understand what you're saying, however what could @Midge (or I) have possibly done to cause our spouses to neglect us to the point of endangering our health and safety?

She has described psychopathic behavior on the part of her spouse ... as could I, as I'm sure could EleGirl.
Here is the thing... if he was distressed because of something Midge is or is not doing, it's on him to bring it to her attention and try to resolve it. The health of the marriage is not 100% on Midge's shoulders.

For example, his refusal to help her out when she was ill. There really is no acceptable excuse for that. And if there was, what did he do to try to fix things so he could be supportive of her?

He is also just as inattentive to his own family. I doubt that Midge has anything to do with that.

Someone brought up Asperger's. This might be what the issue is and if it is, it's very hard to live with a spouse who has that condition. And there is not a lot that Midge could do to mitigate it except expect nothing from him.
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post #70 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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I understand what you're saying, however what could @Midge (or I) have possibly done to cause our spouses to neglect us to the point of endangering our health and safety?

She has described psychopathic behavior on the part of her spouse ... as could I, as I'm sure could EleGirl.
I'm not saying what your husbands have done is right. Some people are damaged, but ultimately you still have all the power in your life. You chose to be happy or miserable.

If your husband is being abusive and making you miserable, then leave. You can't fix him, and if he doesn't want to fix himself then there is no hope.

No one can make you unhappy and miserable but yourself and if your husband is that unsupportive, and i'm willing to meet your needs, find someone who is. No point continuing to make each others life's miserable. If he can't make you happy, let me go.

If you want to try to fix this marriage, all I have to say is that faults in a marriage are usually 50-50 and you have to look at yourself first before picking out someone else flaws. When I started changing my behaviour in my marriage for the better, my husband changed for the better too, but like I said some people are damaged and this doesn't work.

I wish you all the best, you deserve to be happy and what you want from your husband is not unreasonable, it's what a good husband should do.





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