Non-supportive Husband - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Non-supportive Husband

This is my first post here, and I hope the post isn't too "all over the place". I'm feeling pretty low today. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and were together for about 5 years before we married. Both of us have been married before.

I'm probably not the first woman to say this, but my husband treats me like a roommate. I've been turning a blind eye for a long time and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his good qualities. But frankly, I'm getting tired. The end result of all of this is that I feel worthless. I don't ask him for anything, and as a result I get nothing. I wonder how we got to this point. I thought that being a fairly self sufficient woman would be an attractive quality to a man, but I guess I was wrong.

I'm not a particularly romantic person, but my husband does nothing to make me feel like I am important to him. I honestly can't think of anything he does for me. I don't think that he is doing things and I am missing them. I am the major breadwinner. I have an "almost" full time job (home based business) that I started 14 years ago. I also worked at a large company for 15 years and got laid off last year, so now I am trying to start a new self-employment business venture. My husband does not offer any help or encouragement. He used to help with the home business but he doesn't have very good office/computer skills or communication skills so I ended up doing all of the work. Now he won't help at all. He claims that he won't help because I have to do everything my way. I understand that to a degree. But my husbands background does not lend itself to the home based business and mine does. So it all comes easily to me. All I want is some help, but he says he doesn't want to "help". I think he finds it demeaning to help a woman. I'm not sure, but I suspect that's the case.

I work all the time, do the taxes, take care of our dogs, pay all the bills, clean the house, etc. I take care of "us", him and me. My husband does cook, but he does that because he likes to cook and eat. Plus, I agree to clean the kitchen. He never remembers anything. He has a horrible memory and his way of keeping up with anything is to ask me ........like I'm a walking encyclopedia/calendar/datebook. He doesn't say he appreciates anything I do or show appreciation in any way.

My husband never says anything complimentary to me, although he used to. I frequently tell him that he is a very good looking man (because he is) and tease him that so many women find him "hot". I'm in my 50's and active, so I'm in good physical condition. My husband is 10 years older than me so I understand that he is tired at times. He has some health issues (nothing debilitating) and I am always trying to help him deal with those. He, on the other hand, pretty much ignores any health problems I have.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I've held it together for a long time and now I feel like I'm going to blow. My husband has agreed to talk to a therapist (finally), but I don't really know that it will help. I don't see him changing at his age.

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post #2 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

My husband is exactly like this. Some men just really, really don't get it. Our therapist used to tell us this is how men are wired and that they (not all) need to be prompted. Women on the other hand are naturally nurturing, have empathy, etc. We always take on that mother role. The problem is that you have let it go on so long, he doesn't need to do anything. Nothing is expected of him. Your best option is to discuss this in therapy.


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post #3 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I'm a lot like your guy. My wife does everything for me and I let her. She is a control freak and that works for me. My life is so good because of it. I have learned what she needs though. An occasional there, there and a pat on the back so she knows that I appreciate all that she does for me (us). She is very active and needs to be busy all of the time. I can lay around and just enjoy doing nothing. I think my job is to make her happy. She thinks her job is to make me happy.

It takes a real man to be cool with a wife that earns more than he does.

How would you like him to change? Do you guys get away together?
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post #4 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

How were the five years prior to marriage? Was he like he is now?

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #5 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.
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post #6 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Is he meeting your intimacy needs? How's the sex life? Ever make out?
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post #7 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Midge View Post
This is my first post here, and I hope the post isn't too "all over the place". I'm feeling pretty low today. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and were together for about 5 years before we married. Both of us have been married before.

I'm probably not the first woman to say this, but my husband treats me like a roommate. I've been turning a blind eye for a long time and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his good qualities. But frankly, I'm getting tired. The end result of all of this is that I feel worthless. I don't ask him for anything, and as a result I get nothing. I wonder how we got to this point. I thought that being a fairly self sufficient woman would be an attractive quality to a man, but I guess I was wrong.

I'm not a particularly romantic person, but my husband does nothing to make me feel like I am important to him. I honestly can't think of anything he does for me. I don't think that he is doing things and I am missing them. I am the major breadwinner. I have an "almost" full time job (home based business) that I started 14 years ago. I also worked at a large company for 15 years and got laid off last year, so now I am trying to start a new self-employment business venture. My husband does not offer any help or encouragement. He used to help with the home business but he doesn't have very good office/computer skills or communication skills so I ended up doing all of the work. Now he won't help at all. He claims that he won't help because I have to do everything my way. I understand that to a degree. But my husbands background does not lend itself to the home based business and mine does. So it all comes easily to me. All I want is some help, but he says he doesn't want to "help". I think he finds it demeaning to help a woman. I'm not sure, but I suspect that's the case.

I work all the time, do the taxes, take care of our dogs, pay all the bills, clean the house, etc. I take care of "us", him and me. My husband does cook, but he does that because he likes to cook and eat. Plus, I agree to clean the kitchen. He never remembers anything. He has a horrible memory and his way of keeping up with anything is to ask me ........like I'm a walking encyclopedia/calendar/datebook. He doesn't say he appreciates anything I do or show appreciation in any way.

My husband never says anything complimentary to me, although he used to. I frequently tell him that he is a very good looking man (because he is) and tease him that so many women find him "hot". I'm in my 50's and active, so I'm in good physical condition. My husband is 10 years older than me so I understand that he is tired at times. He has some health issues (nothing debilitating) and I am always trying to help him deal with those. He, on the other hand, pretty much ignores any health problems I have.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I've held it together for a long time and now I feel like I'm going to blow. My husband has agreed to talk to a therapist (finally), but I don't really know that it will help. I don't see him changing at his age.
Does your husband have a job? If so, how many hours a week does he work? What percentage of your joint income does he earn?
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post #8 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Is he meeting your intimacy needs? How's the sex life? Ever make out?
Sometimes, but not as much as we used to.
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post #9 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Does your husband have a job? If so, how many hours a week does he work? What percentage of your joint income does he earn?
My husband has been a self employed general contractor for over 40 years. He’s quite good and has done everything to do with residential construction. He’s has also built custom furniture and dabbled in home inspections. He hasn’t really worked steadily for several years. He kept saying he was helping with the home business, but in reality he only did about 1/4 of the work. He tried, but he really wasn't suited for it. Part of the problem was that he simply didn't have the needed computer skills. I explained it to him that it would be like me trying to go into construction after spending 30 years in an office environment.

He did spend the last 3 years building a house for us. We’ve been in the house for over a year now and he hasn’t done anything to bring in money. I think part of his problem is that he is depressed about what to do now. He keeps saying things like "Who wants an old geezer like me. No one cares about my experience or skills." I keep telling him that the "new retirement" is working somewhere that you somewhat enjoy to bring in some income. My home based business is OK to live on but the health insurance is killing me. Now we have no house payment but our health insurance costs more per month than a house payment. So that's why I'm starting something else. But I'm feeling resentful that it all falls on me.
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post #10 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 07:52 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

How old is your husband?

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post #11 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.
@Midge Is any of what @Mr. Nail said arcuate? If so, how much? 25%? 50%? 75%? 99%?

It's possible that after 40 years of being important your husband feels depressed about his situation and being old(er).

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post #12 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.

I suspect this is the CORE problem.
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post #13 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:34 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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My husband has been a self employed general contractor for over 40 years. He’s quite good and has done everything to do with residential construction. He’s has also built custom furniture and dabbled in home inspections. He hasn’t really worked steadily for several years. He kept saying he was helping with the home business, but in reality he only did about 1/4 of the work. He tried, but he really wasn't suited for it. Part of the problem was that he simply didn't have the needed computer skills. I explained it to him that it would be like me trying to go into construction after spending 30 years in an office environment.

He did spend the last 3 years building a house for us. We’ve been in the house for over a year now and he hasn’t done anything to bring in money. I think part of his problem is that he is depressed about what to do now. He keeps saying things like "Who wants an old geezer like me. No one cares about my experience or skills." I keep telling him that the "new retirement" is working somewhere that you somewhat enjoy to bring in some income. My home based business is OK to live on but the health insurance is killing me. Now we have no house payment but our health insurance costs more per month than a house payment. So that's why I'm starting something else. But I'm feeling resentful that it all falls on me.
Let me get this right, you had no problem riding his coattails, and now when he need to recharge his batterys after years of working a physically demanding job, you want to complain ? Men NEED to FEEL USEFUL, find a ****ing way to make him feel useful and appreciated and he will come around, and if not, your going to continue to get what your getting.
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post #14 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Let me get this right, you had no problem riding his coattails, and now when he need to recharge his batterys after years of working a physically demanding job, you want to complain ? Men NEED to FEEL USEFUL, find a ****ing way to make him feel useful and appreciated and he will come around, and if not, your going to continue to get what your getting.
Excuse me? Riding his coattails when exactly? We've been married for 13 years and I have taken care of the majority of the bills the entire time. I also took care of them before we were married. He has never supported me financially. Ever! I have never had any man take care of me financially except my father. I have had a full time job my entire adult life. The last 14 years I've had 2 jobs.
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post #15 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: Non-supportive Husband

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Excuse me? Riding his coattails when exactly? We've been married for 13 years and I have taken care of the majority of the bills the entire time. I also took care of them before we were married. He has never supported me financially. Ever! I have never had any man take care of me financially except my father. I have had a full time job my entire adult life. The last 14 years I've had 2 jobs.
So, you do understand the natural male prerogative ? your response though, says it all. you don't VALUE your husband, and he knows it.

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