General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This might be a weird one for some of you, but maybe you can help me...
I really don't know how much help I expect to get in an online forum, but I need to make a decision so I am calling out for guidance...
I am married to a beautiful woman that treats me good, yet I feel a longing to go out on my own.
Here are all the current positives:
she's beautiful (model hot)
she loves me
she'll do anything for me
she puts up with all my crap
we have a long history together
she knows me well
we have similar interests
we have a good relationship together (we get along great, think alike, have fun together, don't fight a lot, etc.)
Sounds like an ideal relationship right? That is why this is so hard and may seem very odd to some of you. Even with all those great things listed above:
I feel an urge to go out on my own (I've had this feeling for years). It is not because I want to mess around or be with someone else specifically - it is literally an urge just to be solo freely roaming the world.
I'm not sure that I love her in the soulmate kind of way (or if that even exists). But I do love her as a person and I don't want to hurt her. I care enough about her that I'd almost rather stay with her than hurt her by leaving her (regardless of how I feel).
I feel like I am a free spirit and destined to travel alone on my own path, but I don't want to destroy what I have built up with my wife or our potential future together.
Maybe I will choose to leave her to go alone on my own path, only to realize what I lost and it will be too late.
Or maybe I will stay and regret that I never fulfilled my longing to go out on my own...?
There's no way around it, really. One way or another you will wind up wondering "what if".
My suggestion? Talk to her about it. If she loves you and supports you enough to let you roam - stay with her.
If she tried to keep you caged, fly.
I wish there was a way you could do both, but there isn't - at least for an extended period.
On the other hand, if you aren't sure you love her perhaps you should have a heart to heart with her about this... She deserves that soulmate kind of love in her life, and if you aren't giving that to her she's missing out! Don't let guilt and momentary discomfort get in the way of ultimate happiness.
That being said - how old are the both of you, and how long have you been married? Posted via Mobile Device
My suggestion? Talk to her about it. If she loves you and supports you enough to let you roam - stay with her.
Yes, we've talked about it. She says its ok because she knows it means a lot to me, but it is a different story when it actually happens. She gets sad and gives me bad vibes when I do things on my own or with other people. She equates anything done without her as "I'm choosing to be without her" rather than just "choosing to do something on my own".
On top of that, I do believe that marriage is a commitment. I don't want to be that guy that stays married, yet has a second life. I don't think it will work for me to half-ass it either way. I want to man-up, and make a decision: either stay married to her, give her what she wants, and put in 100% effort to make our partnership the best or go on my own and put 100% effort into just being free...
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On the other hand, if you aren't sure you love her perhaps you should have a heart to heart with her about this... She deserves that soulmate kind of love in her life, and if you aren't giving that to her she's missing out! Don't let guilt and momentary discomfort get in the way of ultimate happiness.
I am a very loving person (its natural for me to be loving to all people and creatures). She claims that I am "the one", but I am not sure about that. I guess it makes me wonder if she is my true "soulmate" since I am having these questions in the first place...
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That being said - how old are the both of you, and how long have you been married?
We are both turning 30, have been together since college, and have been married for 5 years.
I don't know how old you are but you may want to research mid-life crisis.
I understand the feeling and I acted upon it after 23 years of marriage and the mistakes began. One right after another. But you may have a different experience. Perhaps you could talk to your wife, perhaps she is feeling the same way. MC or IC may help. But you have taken the right step in discussing it here.
Good luck on your voyage, be wary of the hidden reefs.
If you leave, you will have to face the fact that once you do you might not ever get her back. The fact that she supports you speaks volumes, and her pain is what you are mistaking as "bad vibes".
However, it isn't fair to stay with someone just because they suit your needs, because she is a good person, because you may end up regretting your decision in the end - she deserves to be fulfilled in ways it seems like you aren't.
If you are correct in your uncertainty she feels it too, without a doubt.
"Going solo" and leaving her behind to spend time with others are two different things in my book. Weigh this heavily. It seems like you have been experimenting while not completely committing to this change in lifestyle, and it has very likely made her confused. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't know how old you are but you may want to research mid-life crisis.
I understand the feeling and I acted upon it after 23 years of marriage and the mistakes began. One right after another. But you may have a different experience. Perhaps you could talk to your wife, perhaps she is feeling the same way. MC or IC may help. But you have taken the right step in discussing it here.
Good luck on your voyage, be wary of the hidden reefs.
Thanks for the words Sparkles. We've been married for about 5 years and I have heard this voice since day one. At first, it was quiet, but it has gotten louder over the years. I feel like it has nothing to do with boredom, complacency or even my wife. I'm never bored, we have a great time together, and the relationship is great. Yet I have this subtle voice inside that says I was meant for a different path. I have always been a "free spirit" (for lack of better word) since I was born.
My wife definitely doesn't feel the same way - she will be devastated if I leave. This is one of the reasons that makes this so hard - I don't want to do that to her. I've actually had thoughts that it might be good if she fell in love with someone else so that I could slip away in the night without hurting her...
It would even be strange to go through MC because our marriage is great. It literally comes down to something inside me that says I may be meant for a different path...
If you leave, you will have to face the fact that once you do you might not ever get her back.
Yep, this is so true and why I have been mulling over this for years...
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However, it isn't fair to stay with someone just because they suit your needs, because she is a good person, because you may end up regretting your decision in the end - she deserves to be fulfilled in ways it seems like you aren't.
If you are correct in your uncertainty she feels it too, without a doubt.
Actually, this is more of a quiet voice in my head, that I think about while I am alone. When I am with her (which is most of the time), I am fully present with her. She is absolutely "certain" about us. (which makes me feel more like a jerk for having these thoughts, but I can't help how I feel).
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"Going solo" and leaving her behind to spend time with others are two different things in my book. Weigh this heavily. It seems like you have been experimenting while not completely committing to this change in lifestyle, and it has very likely made her confused.
Agreed. I don't spend much time with other people. How could I experiment completely with going solo - like a trial separation?
She gets sad and gives me bad vibes when I do things on my own or with other people. She equates anything done without her as "I'm choosing to be without her" rather than just "choosing to do something on my own".
This is what lead me to believe you are experimenting with time alone.
You could do a trial seperation - but you will be putting her through a lot of distress. You also risk the fact that SHE might see she is happier/better off without YOU.
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Actually, this is more of a quiet voice in my head, that I think about while I am alone. When I am with her (which is most of the time), I am fully present with her. She is absolutely "certain" about us. (which makes me feel more like a jerk for having these thoughts, but I can't help how I feel).
You can't say you are completely present with this having been on your mind for years. It's possible, again, her "bad vibes" is her feeling you pull away. Trust me, she feels uncertain, and being the person she is, is still trying to support you. The bad vibes are also your guilt that you're probably projecting onto her.
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I've actually had thoughts that it might be good if she fell in love with someone else so that I could slip away in the night without hurting her...
This speaks volumes.
At this point you might as well flip a coin. You are in limbo, keeping HER in limbo, and it isn't really fair to either of you.
You can't say you are completely present with this having been on your mind for years.
Touche - but I don't think about it when I am with her.
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It's possible, again, her "bad vibes" is her feeling you pull away. Trust me, she feels uncertain, and being the person she is, is still trying to support you. The bad vibes are also your guilt that you're probably projecting onto her.
The bad vibes come about when I go off on my own like if I go surfing for an afternoon instead of being with her. Definitely no guilt - everything has been fine with us. It is just a recurring thought that has resurfaced again - now I want to look into deeper and get it resolved...
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At this point you might as well flip a coin.
There is no way I could decide this from a coin...
Let me try it now. Heads I stay, Tails I leave...
It was heads but it doesn't help.
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You are in limbo, keeping HER in limbo, and it isn't really fair to either of you.
The thing about marriage is for a successful happy marriage it takes two people being happy, and you are not. Your life has been structured, parents home to college and then in a relationship since, you never were truly solo, and personally I think everyone should spend some years being solo. Also it sounds like your wife may be a little insecure about letting you do things without her which may add to your feelings of being trapped.
Maybe try an occasional separate vacation or solo hobby before doing anything that can't be undone like leaving your wife. And encourage your wife to try some things on her own as well.
Well. I think you should go. For a number of reasons. But I don't think this conversation has provided you with anymore clarity than you came here with.
Your relationship with her may be great, but I worry if you stay, later on, perhaps years later, you will grow resentful. And by that point you will only have yourself to blame.
I don't know what you want to hear, but if you doubt your love for her at all, in ANY way, based on the things you've said, I believe you DON'T want to be with her but can't find a good enough reason to LEAVE.
You could go on vacations and explore on your own here and there.
My husband loves fishing and hunting. He travels to Alaska with his cousin for 10 nights every year to every other year. He also takes the opportunity to hunt on the weekends during whatever season it is. I have no issues at all of him going. He also goes up north to fish at the BWCA quite often. I even took a weekend myself to CA and met a girlfriend. We stayed on the Queen Mary ship. I'm meeting up with her again along the Gulf coast in Floirda to spend a long weekend on the beach. We use frequent flyer miles, so all our air travel is basically free. My husband does so much for me, he deserves his free time whenever he wants. We are both very supportive of each other.
You may also want to try IC if your feeling of freeness continue to grow. You seem pretty happy with your wife. Posted via Mobile Device
The thing about marriage is for a successful happy marriage it takes two people being happy, and you are not. Your life has been structured, parents home to college and then in a relationship since, you never were truly solo, and personally I think everyone should spend some years being solo. Also it sounds like your wife may be a little insecure about letting you do things without her which may add to your feelings of being trapped.
Yep, I've never been solo - went right from mom to wife. Even my wife says this has something to do with my longing to be solo. She is definitely insecure about letting me do things without her, although she has gotten better once she saw that it might break us up - but there are still 'bad vibes' as I've said before.
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Well. I think you should go. For a number of reasons. But I don't think this conversation has provided you with anymore clarity than you came here with.
Your relationship with her may be great, but I worry if you stay, later on, perhaps years later, you will grow resentful. And by that point you will only have yourself to blame.
You make good points. I do think that this conversation has given me something to think about though as well as just putting my thoughts down for others to read has helped.
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I don't know what you want to hear, but if you doubt your love for her at all, in ANY way, based on the things you've said, I believe you DON'T want to be with her but can't find a good enough reason to LEAVE.
I think you might right - I can't find a good enough reason to leave besides my own selfish wants to be "solo" and I can see many reasons to stay with her especially not to hurt her.
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You could go on vacations and explore on your own here and there.
I've tried this. I take trips with my family each year, but it is always awkward - I get the guilt trip for leaving her to be with my family instead of her and I must check in on a regular basis. I know it is a compromise, but it's definitely not the same as if I was roaming freely answering to no-one...
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You may also want to try IC if your feeling of freeness continue to grow. You seem pretty happy with your wife.
spend more time with her in a fun and loving way, you can rekindle feelings by bonding by doing such activities
I believe you're experiencing a grass is greener phase and your marriage needs a tune up. It's good you are recognizing the feelings rather than making a bad decision like cheating or abandonment.
You said it yourself, you have the perfect partner. You just don't have that same endorphin rush you once had for her. You can get it going again by sharing intimate moments and experiencing new things together.
Married vs. Alone? Can you help? 
