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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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Thank you for all the responses. I have been at my parents. He is home. The kids have been back and forth. I chose to go so I would have help with the kids. I am glad to know that some find a way through.
So he is living by himself right now? How long ago did you leave the marital home?

If I were you, I'd hide some VARs (voice activated recorders) and/or hidden spy cameras around the house. For example a VAR secured with Velcro under the bed. A VAR hidden on top of some tall furniture in a living room, or wherever the front door to your house is.

You can go in the house when he's not there to put them out and pick the up.

Do you know what he is doing with his time while you are not there?

I'd also put a VAR, secured with adhesive backed Velcro, up under the front seat of his car. Most people use their car like a phone booth. Plus, if he is still cheating, he might have women in his car.

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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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So he is living by himself right now? How long ago did you leave the marital home?



If I were you, I'd hide some VARs (voice activated recorders) and/or hidden spy cameras around the house. For example a VAR secured with Velcro under the bed. A VAR hidden on top of some tall furniture in a living room, or wherever the front door to your house is.



You can go in the house when he's not there to put them out and pick the up.



Do you know what he is doing with his time while you are not there?



I'd also put a VAR, secured with adhesive backed Velcro, up under the front seat of his car. Most people use their car like a phone booth. Plus, if he is still cheating, he might have women in his car.


Yeah that's probably smart. It has only been since Tuesday. He has had the kids the last two nights. I was with him during the day.


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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

Make sure that you keep getting mail at your house (the one you left). That will maintain that you have not abandoned the family home. That way you can come and go as you please.

How did he react to you moving out?
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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Make sure that you keep getting mail at your house (the one you left). That will maintain that you have not abandoned the family home. That way you can come and go as you please.



How did he react to you moving out?


He keeps asking for me to return home. But says he respects why I need space.


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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

How long ago did you find out about the affair?

It is completely possible to rebuild your marriage and go on to years of a very good marriage. It takes a lot of work.

What has he been doing to help you heal?

Has he said why he cheated? And if so, what is he doing about it?
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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I agree with Steve. It's highly likely that he has had sex with both of these women.

Do the women know about each other?

You need to get an STD test.
It's damn near a certainty.

After all, EA + physical proximity = PA.

Hell, ^this^ is reliable enough that it ought to be referred to as Newton's Fourth Law.

OP, he wants to reconcile, right?

Does he realize that will mean getting a new job?

And do you know whether or not either of these women are married?

Do any of them (your husband or either of the other women) manage any of the others?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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How long ago did you find out about the affair?



It is completely possible to rebuild your marriage and go on to years of a very good marriage. It takes a lot of work.



What has he been doing to help you heal?



Has he said why he cheated? And if so, what is he doing about it?


I found out Tuesday. He said he cheated because he wanted to feel admired and wanted. He is answering questions and giving access to devices. He did his first individual counseling session today


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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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I found out Tuesday. He said he cheated because he wanted to feel admired and wanted. He is answering questions and giving access to devices. He did his first individual counseling session today
He needs to keep you updated with IC progress. You need to know that this counselor is NOT giving him a free pass here, or counseling for him to rugsweep, or that the cheating is in ANY way your fault.

Please read the Newbie link I posted earlier. There's a TON of stuff in there that will help you.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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Dont take blame. Sounds like to get the reassurance you need a Poly Graph is a must. Its the only way you will get truth. I wouldn't believe a single word he says.



Its far more likely it went physical with the close proximity.



Do you really think 2 grown adults, that have full access to each other, who have a sexual tension between them, find each other attractive, share explicit text messages of a very sexual nature dont also have sex? That's insane.



Poly Graph him

Make him set it up

tell him its the only way you will stay

Watch out for the trickle truth

expect the parking lot confession


He set it up. It's not until Wednesday.


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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

Do some reading about polygraphs. They are not all that reliable.

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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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It's damn near a certainty.



After all, EA + physical proximity = PA.



Hell, ^this^ is reliable enough that it ought to be referred to as Newton's Fourth Law.



OP, he wants to reconcile, right?



Does he realize that will mean getting a new job?



And do you know whether or not either of these women are married?



Do any of them (your husband or either of the other women) manage any of the others?


Yes they are both married. And my husband is now one's boss but says the contact stopped when that became the case


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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:07 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

1. He needs to find a new job.
2. You need to tell the women's husbands.
3. You need to get him to write you a complete time-line of events with both women: when texting started, flirting happened, when they met in person to flirt, and when they had sex. I'm assuming he had sex with them both.
4. You need to protect yourself. This man is not marriage material. His excuse for doing what he did is not something to be taken lightly. He is fundamentally incapable of fidelity.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

Well he passed the lie detector. No physical affair or intent for one.


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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

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Well he passed the lie detector. No physical affair or intent for one.
How do you feel about that?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Emotional/sexting affair

I feel good to have confirmation about what he has been telling me. I feel like I have some understanding to what he was thinking. I still feel very hurt that it happened at all.


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