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post #16 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

The same argument holds for straight people as well. A partner of a partner could have had lots of other partners. Nothing special here about being gay.


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STD's.

This is a big issue. Some gay males often have had hundreds of partners.

Your fiancee had one bi/gay partner. His married bi-sexual AP may have had ten bi/gay lovers and just one of those men could have had hundreds.

When you have sex with a gay man you potentially are sleeping with the viral remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of other men.

You get the picture?


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post #17 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Was he tested for STD's before you slept with him?

What would be the point in telling your family? especially knowing their feelings.

do you trust him hundred percent to not sleep with a man while you are together? I would be hard pressed in thinking he could just be faithful to a woman when he likes men as well.
He was actually a virgin before we had sex. I was not. But I regularly check for STDs. Just because he's bisexual doesn't mean he's promiscuous. He's been with less people than I have.

I definitely trust him. I have no reason not to he's been an open book to me from the very start. He's attracted to men but I do r really cafe his orientation includes an attraction to someone like myself.
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post #18 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:10 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

OP. I don't think you need to tell your family - or specifically hide it from them. Your and your husband's sexual interests are your own private business. There is no more need to tell them that he is also attracted to men than to tell them that one of you likes being spanked.

The only point of concern is your comment that he was *more* interested in men than in women. Are you sure that won't be a problem?

Otherwise its all good, I wish you a long and happy marriage.
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post #19 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:14 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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The same argument holds for straight people as well. A partner of a partner could have had lots of other partners. Nothing special here about being gay.
Not really true. Read the stats on gay sexual activity.

This is not one of those issues that I am overly concerned with....just as it relates to the spread of AIDS. Such a tragic disease.

People can live life any way that suits them. As long as it is legal.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #20 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:23 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Now the thing is my fiance's ex boyfriend was married. And had a family and they ended up divorcing. In the process. Both his exwife and brother outed him to like friend and both of our families out of clear vengeance. There's actual evidence other than hearsay.
Our families? Is that a mistake? Because from what you wrote, it sounds like his exwife & brother outed him to your family and his family. Please clarify.

Also, just to clarify for you. It is normal to out a cheating spouse to family and friends. Anyone who cheats can pretty much expect that to happen. It's also normal to out the affair partner to everyone.

I don't blame his exwife for doing that. Both the man who cheated and the person he had an affair with deserve to have their cheating outed.

The only issue in the case of your fiancé is that he was an underage person taken advantage of by an adult male. How old was the man he had an affair with?
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post #21 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:25 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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He was actually a virgin before we had sex. I was not. But I regularly check for STDs. Just because he's bisexual doesn't mean he's promiscuous. He's been with less people than I have.

I definitely trust him. I have no reason not to he's been an open book to me from the very start. He's attracted to men but I do r really cafe his orientation includes an attraction to someone like myself.
If he had an affair with a married man, how could he have been a virgin before you two had sex? That makes no sense at all.

Also, the bolded/underlined part makes no sense at all. Could you please correct that or explain it.
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post #22 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:26 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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If you and your fiancé are getting married, why does it even matter if he is bisexual? He would be in a monogamous relationship with you. He will not be having sex with men. Right?

So he will be living as a heterosexual.

Your fiancé is young and naïve. This is going beyond being honest. It is not the business of anyone outside your marriage what his sexual orientation is.
I hope you are correct.

This comes across to me as a risky marriage.

He is, at minimum, psychologically "wounded?' or, at minimum, "confused" about his sexuality. Not so. OP says he presents himself as would a gay male.

I agree, it is her life, her choice and her risk to take this man into her life.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #23 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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My wife is bisexual and repressed it for a very long time. In our day when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, no one accepted bisexuality as a valid sexual orientation, not even the LGBT groups. Some still do not. If you were bisexual you would be labeled and treated as either gay or a lesbian. In my day that meant being disowned by family and friends. It could even mean losing your job and being beat up or killed. There was zero tolerance and much hatred before most here were born. My wife's best friend/lover of 30 years is also bi but never let it show. They were best friends since their early teens and were frightened to tell each other until their twenties.

First off, bi woman have it much easier than bi guys. No one buys a guy a drink if he makes out with another guy and feels his breasts. If guys hugged each other, kiss hello or goodbye, held hands, dirty danced together and introduced their friend as their boyfriend, they would be thought to be gay, not bi. Some gay guys do claim to be bi and I have known a few. They all eventually ran off with male lovers after marrying and having a few kids. My godfather ran off with his male lover when he was in his 40's and all the woman in our family thought he was sexy, as did his wife who bragged about him.

For my wife it was easy. She could dirty dance with her girlfriend, hold her hand, kiss her hello or goodbye, hug her and more, without anyone thinking anything about it. She just introduced her girlfriend as her girlfriend. If a guy introduced his male friend as his boyfriend, it screams gay. No one ever questioned why my wife's best friend had her own room in our home and seemed to always be visiting us when they came to see us. Try that with a guy and it will not fly. Life is not fair that way.

My two ladies felt no need to gain acceptance from family or friends. They did not need validation or feel that they were living a lie. They just felt that only those with a need to know, should know. If someone asked, they would have answered them truthfully but no one even did. Perhaps some suspected but we never found out about it. They did not have to hide much and no one but people we had sex with were in our bedroom so why bring drama into their lives when they were not restricted from living it the way they wanted to. We had a lesbian couple as friends in one place we lived in. They never told us they were lesbians in all of the 11 years we knew them. We assumed and eventually found out because one of them was on the radio talking about gay rights. They were able to live together in the same house, go out together and no one in the neighborhood ever said a thing about them. Not telling anyone did not interfere with their life.

Aside from not feeling a need to broadcast their sexuality, we moved away from our families. Only saw them on xmas most times. Each time we moved it was like starting our lives all over again. Both our our families would have disowned us. Me too since I had sex with two guys in my younger days, just to experience it. Liked the orgasms but no attraction to men unless surrounded by women and a lot of drinks in me. We lived life as a poly triad for 30 years. When our girlfriend wanted to get married for financial security and to have her own home and family, she went online and found a guy who was OK with her splitting her time between him and us. She found a way to make it work. We found a way to make it work. If we did not fit in where we were, we found someplace where we did fit in.

You face a much, much harder road and need to be sure he is really bi. I have know gay guys who cling to being bi because they are fooling themselves. If he acts stereotypically gay, you better make sure. I can think of 4 marriages with kids that ended when the husband finally realized he was gay and not bi. Even if he is bi, it is still going to be rough going unless you only tell those with a need to know and if that is not possible, do what we did and find a little slice of happiness in this prejudiced world and cling to it for as long as you can. Good luck. My wife prefers sex with women but has very intense orgasms with me too. However, she does not want to marry a woman, romance her or even date her. She just likes having sex with them. For all else she only wants me, with sex of course and she always included me when she had sex with her girlfriend, who also became my lover too. We lived in what is called a poly triad. Often it is FFM but a good number are also MMF. It works best if all three of you love one another or else you run into all sorts of jealousy provoking situations. Make it work. It can be done.



Yeah we're in a monogamous relationship even though its a fantasy of mine to be poly or mmf. But its nor his. He's very monogamous. Has never wanted to do a threesomes with me because we're in a serious relationship. So we wouldn't likely have an open marriage as nice as it could be. He's not into that type of thing.

And I know he's bisexual neither does he need to be with a man outside of our relationship. Etc... We as a relationship are good despite having different orientations. I'd say our relationship isn't any different from any straight guy I've been with besides wexually I feel actually more like we're on the same page as far as openness with to try much of anything I felt more restricted with other guys tbh.
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post #24 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
I hope you are correct.

This comes across to me as a risky marriage.

He is, at minimum, psychologically "wounded?' or, at minimum, "confused" about his sexuality. Not so. OP says he presents himself as would a gay male.

I agree, it is her life, her choice and her risk to take this man into her life.

I didn't say he says he's gay. He does not. He's identified as bisexual. He is not mentally wounded PR damaged. He's a great guy I'm proud to say is my fiance.

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If he had an affair with a married man, how could he have been a virgin before you two had sex? That makes no sense at all.

Also, the bolded/underlined part makes no sense at all. Could you please correct that or explain it.
To me frottage isn't exactly sex. Nor is oral sex. Etc.... One can have all sorts of sex without actually having intercourse.

I mistyped I meant I don't care his orientation includes attraction toward someone like me. That's all that matter.

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Our families? Is that a mistake? Because from what you wrote, it sounds like his exwife & brother outed him to your family and his family. Please clarify.

Also, just to clarify for you. It is normal to out a cheating spouse to family and friends. Anyone who cheats can pretty much expect that to happen. It's also normal to out the affair partner to everyone.

I don't blame his exwife for doing that. Both the man who cheated and the person he had an affair with deserve to have their cheating outed.

The only issue in the case of your fiancé is that he was an underage person taken advantage of by an adult male. How old was the man he had an affair with?
My fiance never had an exwife his exbf's wife outed my fiance to friends and it got back to both our families. His mother actually thought he was gay and she accepts him and so it was probably less of an issue for his family and friends. Mine are much less forgiving and more close minded individuals.

This was like almost 3 years ago. I do find that a vengeful act IMO.

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Not really true. Read the stats on gay sexual activity.

This is not one of those issues that I am overly concerned with....just as it relates to the spread of AIDS. Such a tragic disease.

People can live life any way that suits them. As long as it is legal.
My fiance has only been with 2 people myself and the other guy so I don't think this really applies just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean they have diseases.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
OP. I don't think you need to tell your family - or specifically hide it from them. Your and your husband's sexual interests are your own private business. There is no more need to tell them that he is also attracted to men than to tell them that one of you likes being spanked.

The only point of concern is your comment that he was *more* interested in men than in women. Are you sure that won't be a problem?

Otherwise its all good, I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Thanks. Yeah he finds more men attractive than women buy that's more a ratio type thing I'm one of those women he's attracted basically.
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post #25 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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My fiance is bisexual and he's very bisexual. Before me he had a relationship with a man for 2 years. And we've been together less than 3 years. He does prefer men I knew this from the start. But we have a great relationship and a great sex life. Plus it doesn't bother me I find gay sex a turn on. I used to want actually to do a thresome before we settled down but he was always against it. We make it work and we're both very open minded. We are planing on getting married in the summer and I'm expecting our first child together in September. My family is homophobic. And my fiance seems to be stereotypically homosexual in how he acts. So they've always thought he was "gay". Now the thing is my fiance's ex boyfriend was married. And had a family and they ended up divorcing. In the process. Both his exwife and brother outed him to like friend and both of our families out of clear vengeance. There's actual evidence other than hearsay. Now I don't want him to come out as my family won't take it well. And if its just denial it looks just like that. Like he's gay but in denial. And I don't want to act like I didn't know all this time because that says a lot about our relationship etc... But my family acts like bisexuality doesn't exist. So what do you think we should do? Advice?
If he is faithful and makes you a good match, nothing else matters.

Why would anyone else have any business with his sexual history besides you?

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post #26 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:15 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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To me frottage isn't exactly sex. Nor is oral sex. Etc.... One can have all sorts of sex without actually having intercourse.
Oral sex is calls "oral sex" because it is SEX. If it's penis in mouth, it's a form of intercourse. More importantly, STDs can be contracted via oral sex.

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My fiance never had an exwife his exbf's wife outed my fiance to friends and it got back to both our families. His mother actually thought he was gay and she accepts him and so it was probably less of an issue for his family and friends. Mine are much less forgiving and more close minded individuals.
Yes, I get it, your fiancé was an affair partner to a married man. Your fiancé helped to destroy a marriage and the family life of some children. I get that.

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This was like almost 3 years ago. I do find that a vengeful act IMO.
The affair is far more vengeful than the ex outing them.

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My fiance has only been with 2 people myself and the other guy so I don't think this really applies just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean they have diseases.
You are right that being bi-sexual does not mean that someone has an STD. However, the more sexual partners a person has had, the more likely that they have at least one STD. When a person has sex with someone, they are also exposed to any STDs passed on by all that person's previous sexual partners. A person can have sex once and get an STD.


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Thanks. Yeah he finds more men attractive than women buy that's more a ratio type thing I'm one of those women he's attracted basically.
I would be interesting to talk to you in about 5-10 years.
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post #27 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:18 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

This is an interesting topic s I have come across this many times. I am going to sound like a dinosaur but what I say is based on experience - I have seen real bisexual women make relationships work and I believe that their sexuality was pretty fluid. I have a great many gay friends from all walks of life and cultures. I have NEVER seen a truly bisexual man. A great many of the gay friends I have started out thinking they were bisexual and with "great" relationships with girlfriends in some cases. Not one survived. They all eventually came out as gay as time went on.

You are being given very clear indications that this is the case with your "fiancé" and you are both quite young and inexperienced in this matter. You would be well advised to pay heed to what I am saying and do your own research. I am not saying that he is deceiving you - he probably doesn't know yet. If you had a threesome you might find out that you become the onlooker as he engages in what is his true sexuality. He has already told you that he prefers men. His first was a man (albeit a married man) which is where he may have had the idea that he too might be "bisexual".

There are a small number of hedonistic men who will literally **** anything that moves and they don't count. I have not seen a bisexual man that can carry on a long term relationship with a woman. At best it would be a sham or a lie in the long run.

That is just my findings especially with me witnessing the heartbreaking case of one of my childhood friends who broke his wife's heart and this was not the only case.

Be warned.

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post #28 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:19 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

That seems fine to me. I was worried that he generally preferred men and might be "settling" for other reasons. That can end badly regardless of orientations. As long as he is very attracted to you, that is great.

I really don't know why some other posters seem concerned. It seems he's been open with you about his feelings and his actions and YOU are OK with that. That is what matters.



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snip

Thanks. Yeah he finds more men attractive than women buy that's more a ratio type thing I'm one of those women he's attracted basically.
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post #29 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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If he is faithful and makes you a good match, nothing else matters.

Why would anyone else have any business with his sexual history besides you?
Yeah really it doesn't but they will make it an issue that they need to advise me to not continue a relationship with him. Etc....
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post #30 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:40 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Yeah really it doesn't but they will make it an issue that they need to advise me to not continue a relationship with him. Etc....
Do you depend on your family in any way now? Or are you 100% independent financially and in every other way?
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