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post #31 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

Well loss of virginity is vaginal/penile sex for hetero sex and anal sex for homosexual sex IMO. Especially the first. On technical terms.



Well it wasn't mean to be IMO. If someone cheats on someone they're clearly not the ideal partner for that person they're cheating on. Plus he was actually treated badly by his ex. So I'd say he was wrong to everyone involved as it was his responsibility to be faithful not his 16 year old boyfriend's responsibility to keep him faithful. If it wasn't with him he'd probably had done it with someone else.

I'm pretty sure that's not why the affair took place.

Pretty sure he has less than your man or most men generally. So I'd say his risk has always been low and is why we've both been std free all our lives.
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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Oral sex is calls "oral sex" because it is SEX. If it's penis in mouth, it's a form of intercourse. More importantly, STDs can be contracted via oral sex.



Yes, I get it, your fiancé was an affair partner to a married man. Your fiancé helped to destroy a marriage and the family life of some children. I get that.



The affair is far more vengeful than the ex outing them.



You are right that being bi-sexual does not mean that someone has an STD. However, the more sexual partners a person has had, the more likely that they have at least one STD. When a person has sex with someone, they are also exposed to any STDs passed on by all that person's previous sexual partners. A person can have sex once and get an STD.




I would be interesting to talk to you in about 5-10 years.
I cant wait in 5-10 years this will have to be behind us all.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
That seems fine to me. I was worried that he generally preferred men and might be "settling" for other reasons. That can end badly regardless of orientations. As long as he is very attracted to you, that is great.

I really don't know why some other posters seem concerned. It seems he's been open with you about his feelings and his actions and YOU are OK with that. That is what matters.
No he's biromantic and homoflexible technically. Which means hes romantically attracted to both genders and is attracted to men and women but much more often men. And obviously he wasn't trying to settle down as a junior in high school. He just prefers men over women which I actually like because we sometimes watch stuff beforehand and we have similar interests in some materials. Etc... He is certainly attracted to men but also he likes some women too.

Yeah to me it doesn't impede in our relationship. So its not a problem. It has nothing to with the quality of our relationship and companionship. It has nothing to do with our future together or our future marriage. And it has nothing detrimental to do with out sex life oflr monogamy etc....

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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
This is an interesting topic s I have come across this many times. I am going to sound like a dinosaur but what I say is based on experience - I have seen real bisexual women make relationships work and I believe that their sexuality was pretty fluid. I have a great many gay friends from all walks of life and cultures. I have NEVER seen a truly bisexual man. A great many of the gay friends I have started out thinking they were bisexual and with "great" relationships with girlfriends in some cases. Not one survived. They all eventually came out as gay as time went on.

You are being given very clear indications that this is the case with your "fiancé" and you are both quite young and inexperienced in this matter. You would be well advised to pay heed to what I am saying and do your own research. I am not saying that he is deceiving you - he probably doesn't know yet. If you had a threesome you might find out that you become the onlooker as he engages in what is his true sexuality. He has already told you that he prefers men. His first was a man (albeit a married man) which is where he may have had the idea that he too might be "bisexual".

There are a small number of hedonistic men who will literally **** anything that moves and they don't count. I have not seen a bisexual man that can carry on a long term relationship with a woman. At best it would be a sham or a lie in the long run.

That is just my findings especially with me witnessing the heartbreaking case of one of my childhood friends who broke his wife's heart and this was not the only case.

Be warned.
Yeah this basically is the whole ignorant thought all women are bi and men are either straight or gay but not in between. I don't believe in that.

I have seen bisexual men who had monogamous relationships with women actually. But maybe because you're old all those gay people were just dealing with the lack of acceptance in their community. Your community that they needed to hide etc.... My fiance isn't in that type of environment. My family is just a little backwards. But most people aren't. Its much easier honestly to be gay than bisexual for men or women as they can be very misunderstood by a lot of people gay or straight. So saying someone is saying they are bi to be more acceptable is unrealistic because it tends to be less acceptable than being gay to many... There's a lot of stigma against as you have demonstrated.


Also added to that. I would love to do a threesome. I **** my fiance but it would be great to see another hot guy **** him. I have always had fantasies of sandwiches etc.... So no seeing that would just turn me on. Its like all the porn and wet dreams so to speak and fantasies co.ing to life. I'm actually the type that used to have two crushes and dream about them like having sex. Probably weird but that's just me. It wouldn't bother me to see him have sex with another man. But it would bother him he'd always been against a threesome because he thinks it would mess up the dynamics and the foundation of being monogamous. So we can't even do it like once. But yeah its not me holding him back. Its him. He knows I'm open to it and my opinion on it completely. So clearly if he were gay and had no interest in me he'd be ****ing around with guys any chance possible under the guise of threesomes. And secondarily how can someone who's gay like women seriously. Can you like women? If you only like guys? I know I can't. I couldn't marry a woman to supposedly hide. If you like men and only men you couldn't sustain a long term relationship with a woman. End of story. And you can't have a good sex life with a woman either because sex with a woman would be disgusting. That's how I think as a person who is only attracted to men and all.


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post #32 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Do you depend on your family in any way now? Or are you 100% independent financially and in every other way?
Yes I kind of do. But not completely we live somewhat tight sometimes and sometimes I ask for a little help his mom is way more generous and helpful though. He's closer to his mother than I am to my mom or dad. My dad is so ****ing traditional its annoying. And he's so simple minded not just with this. He's like a social conservative. In a dumb way IMO.
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post #33 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:32 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Well loss of virginity is vaginal/penile sex for hetero sex and anal sex for homosexual sex IMO. Especially the first. On technical terms.
This whole issue of ‘virginity’ came up in reference to STD testing. Germs, viruses, etc. do not care what definition humans give things. The fact is that STDs can be passed via oral sex, kissing, etc.
Also, legally, oral sex is sexual penetration.


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Well it wasn't mean to be IMO. If someone cheats on someone they're clearly not the ideal partner for that person they're cheating on. Plus he was actually treated badly by his ex. So I'd say he was wrong to everyone involved as it was his responsibility to be faithful not his 16 year old boyfriend's responsibility to keep him faithful. If it wasn't with him he'd probably had done it with someone else.
If you don’t think that cheating is mean, you have clearly not been cheated on and had your marriage and the lives of your children torn apart by it. I’m sure that the guy said that his wife was mean to him. Just about everyone who cheats says that. It helps them justify their cheating. Sure it was the responsibility of the married man to not cheat. But it is also the responsibility of the un-married affair partner to not engage in an affair with a married man/woman.
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I'm pretty sure that's not why the affair took place.
????????
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Pretty sure he has less than your man or most men generally. So I'd say his risk has always been low and is why we've both been std free all our lives.
How do you know that the two of you are STD free? Have you both been tested?

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I cant wait in 5-10 years this will have to be behind us all.
I did not say anything about you waiting 5-10 years for anything. I said that it will be interesting to talk to you in 5-10 years to see how things are going with you and your fiancé.

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post #34 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 01:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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My thoughts exactly. He aided in causing the destruction of a marriage and caused the children to have a broken home. You are portraying the mans wife as being the bad one, she was deeply hurt and betrayed, poor thing.
A man who acts that way wouldn't be one I wanted to marry. Where is his integrity?His sense of decency?
OK by that's the past. He's not with him anymore so it doesn't really matter.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
STD's.

This is a big issue. Some gay males often have had hundreds of partners.

Your fiancee had one bi/gay partner. His married bi-sexual AP may have had ten bi/gay lovers and just one of those men could have had hundreds.

When you have sex with a gay man you potentially are sleeping with the viral remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of other men.

You get the picture?
Well a straight guy who sleeps with a straight women sleeps with all the men she slept with which could be a hundred too. What's the point? Same picture.

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If you and your fiancé are getting married, why does it even matter if he is bisexual? He would be in a monogamous relationship with you. He will not be having sex with men. Right?

So he will be living as a heterosexual.

Your fiancé is young and naďve. This is going beyond being honest. It is not the business of anyone outside your marriage what his sexual orientation is.
No he doesn't wan to have sex with men. We are monogamous and that's all he wants. Its like my family ha mad it their issue even before it came out they have stereotypes of what a gay man acts like and how a straight man acts lime and apply those ignorant beliefs on my relationship with him. That never took our relationship seriously. And also acted like he'd come out eventually. Now that we plan o marry but this came out its made them more militant against our relationship.

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Was his first sexual partner a man or a woman?

I don't think you should tell your family. One thing about setting healthy boundaries is knowing who we can trust with information that can hurt us.

Some people are against homosexual and/or bisexual behavior and those who practice those behaviors are considered to be bad people and are treated as if they were bad people. Some people are again homosexual and/or bisexual behavior, but don't treat people who practice those things any differently than they do other people. They consider it wrong, but they don't think of the people who did it as bad. (We already know that your family is not of the group who thinks it's perfectly normal and healthy to be homosexual/bisexual, so no point in discussing that situation.)

If your family is of the first group, telling them would not be safe for you or your fiance if you want to have a positive relationship with your family. If your family is of the second group, you would be more likely to be able to have a positive healthy relationship with your family. In the second group, it depends on whether your family would think it would be unhealthy for you to be with him or if they would honor your choice. If they won't honor your choice to do something they are strong opposed to, telling them would not be safe for you or your fiancee.

You believe that your fiancee will be faithful to you, that he loves you, and that he is satisfied with you. If that is the case, then there is no reason to let anyone know about his past as it does not matter in the present. He is living in a hetrosexual, monogamous relationship with you and plans to make that permanent in the form of a marriage. For all intents and purposes, he is now hetrosexual, so what does it matter what he did in the past.

Well yeah the only relationship he's been in outside of our relationship is the married man. So his first sexual relationship was with a guy. But the past really does not matter.

The ****tt side to this its already out there so its like I know its worst that they do know. But that's something I can't help neither of us can. I guess I'm just looking to see e what I can do to make the best of the situation overall.

They don't directly tell him he'd going to hell or that he should commit suicide but they do say stuff to me about how it's never going to work I should accept that hes gay he acts like hes gay so its a matter of time before he come out etc..... They're very negative and in general about homosexuality they encourage them to be clsered or not bring forth being gay so often etc.... Idk if that's more of the first or second group tbh.

That's what I tried to the past almost 3 years but that failed now that he was outed and I don't know quite how to respond to this new revelation for everyone else in my family and friendone etc....
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post #35 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

I wasn't speaking in reference to STDs I just said he was a virgin as he hadn't had intercourse yet before me. And we've been tested neither have ever had an std ever.

I spelled this out poorly my bad. I meant to say well it wasn't meant to be. Not mean. And my fiance never talked about his ex's wife. I said his ex was pretty ****ty to both his wife and my fiance. He would tell him how much he loves and stuff and all that how he was going to leave his wife and they'd move in together and then totally ignore him for weeks. He would talk about being together for life and then totally ghost him. He basically used him for sex. And of course he was wrong for leaving his wife in the dark.y fiance has nothing to do with this woman marrying a guy that's practically scum. That's her bad luck and my fiance's for that matter. I don't think he owes her anything. I think of course the relationship was wrong. But hes Lear end from that mess.


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This whole issue of ‘virginity’ came up in reference to STD testing. Germs, viruses, etc. do not care what definition humans give things. The fact is that STDs can be passed via oral sex, kissing, etc.
Also, legally, oral sex is sexual penetration.



If you don’t think that cheating is mean, you have clearly not been cheated on and had your marriage and the lives of your children torn apart by it. I’m sure that the guy said that his wife was mean to him. Just about everyone who cheats says that. It helps them justify their cheating. Sure it was the responsibility of the married man to not cheat. But it is also the responsibility of the un-married affair partner to not engage in an affair with a married man/woman.

????????

How do you know that the two of you are STD free? Have you both been tested?


I did not say anything about you waiting 5-10 years for anything. I said that it will be interesting to talk to you in 5-10 years to see how things are going with you and your fiancé.
And I was saying I'm pretty sure he didn't have an affair to be vengeful against some woman he barely knew.


I'm looking forward to it too....
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post #36 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:07 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

You've said that he acts gay and that people basically think of him that way. You are wanting to believe he is this or that---because you want to marry him. You're so young, you don't have the experience to see that your emotions are clouding our judgement.

One thing is for sure---he acts gay because he IS gay. And he will want a man again. Since it's easy to see he's gay by the way you describe him, he's going to get lots of attention from gay guys.

What you're going to do is not wise. But I'll bet you don't want to hear that, right?
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post #37 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:06 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Well loss of virginity is vaginal/penile sex for hetero sex and anal sex for homosexual sex IMO. Especially the first. On technical terms.



Well it wasn't mean to be IMO. If someone cheats on someone they're clearly not the ideal partner for that person they're cheating on. Plus he was actually treated badly by his ex. So I'd say he was wrong to everyone involved as it was his responsibility to be faithful not his 16 year old boyfriend's responsibility to keep him faithful. If it wasn't with him he'd probably had done it with someone else.

I'm pretty sure that's not why the affair took place.

This is blind justification of the bad thing your "fiancé' did. Cheating is cheating. If somebody murders someone, then clearly he didn't deserve to live and if it wasn't your fiancé then it would have been someone else who would kill him. You have a lot of growing up to do.

Pretty sure he has less than your man or most men generally. So I'd say his risk has always been low and is why we've both been std free all our lives.


I cant wait in 5-10 years this will have to be behind us all.
In 5-10 years he will come out as fully gay - again I say you have been warned.



No he's biromantic and homoflexible technically. Which means hes romantically attracted to both genders and is attracted to men and women but much more often men. And obviously he wasn't trying to settle down as a junior in high school. He just prefers men over women which I actually like because we sometimes watch stuff beforehand and we have similar interests in some materials. Etc... He is certainly attracted to men but also he likes some women too.

Yeah to me it doesn't impede in our relationship. So its not a problem. It has nothing to with the quality of our relationship and companionship. It has nothing to do with our future together or our future marriage. And it has nothing detrimental to do with out sex life oflr monogamy etc....



Yeah this basically is the whole ignorant thought all women are bi and men are either straight or gay but not in between. I don't believe in that.

I have seen bisexual men who had monogamous relationships (In your 4-6 years of adulthood, huh ? Yeah right!)with women actually. But maybe because you're old all those gay people were just dealing with the lack of acceptance in their community. Your community that they needed to hide etc.... My fiance isn't in that type of environment. My family is just a little backwards. But most people aren't. Its much easier honestly to be gay than bisexual for men or women as they can be very misunderstood by a lot of people gay or straight. So saying someone is saying they are bi to be more acceptable is unrealistic because it tends to be less acceptable than being gay to many... There's a lot of stigma against as you have demonstrated.


Also added to that. I would love to do a threesome. I **** my fiance but it would be great to see another hot guy **** him. I have always had fantasies of sandwiches etc.... So no seeing that would just turn me on. Its like all the porn and wet dreams so to speak and fantasies co.ing to life. I'm actually the type that used to have two crushes and dream about them like having sex. Probably weird but that's just me. No we all went through the experimentation and fantasy stage - mostly at college or universityIt wouldn't bother me to see him have sex with another man. But it would bother him he'd always been against a threesome because he thinks it would mess up the dynamics and the foundation of being monogamous. So we can't even do it like once. But yeah its not me holding him back. Its him. He knows I'm open to it and my opinion on it completely. So clearly if he were gay and had no interest in me he'd be ****ing around with guys any chance possible under the guise of threesomes. And secondarily how can someone who's gay like women seriously. Can you like women? If you only like guys? I know I can't. I couldn't marry a woman to supposedly hide. If you like men and only men you couldn't sustain a long term relationship with a woman. End of story. And you can't have a good sex life with a woman either because sex with a woman would be disgusting. That's how I think as a person who is only attracted to men and all.
FYI I have seen this happen with men much younger than I and I have watched each and every bi man become gay (or in 1 or 2 cases become straight as they were "confused"). You came here for advice on a topic that Ele answered very well - why should your family or anyone else for that matter know if your fiancé is bisexual - it should be none of their business. My comments are that you are focussing on the wrong problem. I really do hope I am wrong and that your fiancé is the exception.

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post #38 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 06:43 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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He was actually a virgin before we had sex. I was not. But I regularly check for STDs. Just because he's bisexual doesn't mean he's promiscuous. He's been with less people than I have.

I definitely trust him. I have no reason not to he's been an open book to me from the very start. He's attracted to men but I do r really cafe his orientation includes an attraction to someone like myself.
So you trust a man who has already broken up another family???
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post #39 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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To those that don't care about the distinction, bi is gay. Whether they're right or wrong is -- and will remain -- a matter of perspective.



Doesn't really matter either way.



What's way more alarming is that you'd actually consider marrying (or even dating) someone that carried on a relationship with a married man (or woman).



But then if you don't require or expect him to remain faithful then there's really no problem.


This^^^

The fact that you are marrying a home wrecker should be more important than his sexuality.
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post #40 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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You've said that he acts gay and that people basically think of him that way. You are wanting to believe he is this or that---because you want to marry him. You're so young, you don't have the experience to see that your emotions are clouding our judgement.

One thing is for sure---he acts gay because he IS gay. And he will want a man again. Since it's easy to see he's gay by the way you describe him, he's going to get lots of attention from gay guys.

What you're going to do is not wise. But I'll bet you don't want to hear that, right?
That's weird acting a way that people stereotype as gay doesn't determine someone's true sexuality. Some straight men are perceived as gay by their personality. Being gay is an attraction to just men. Not a personality. There is no gay personality.

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post #41 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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This^^^

The fact that you are marrying a home wrecker should be more important than his sexuality.
Yeah I already said that was a mistake and I know he wouldn't do that now. He was 16 and hes not 16 anymore. Hes grown and learned a lot from that situation.
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So you trust a man who has already broken up another family???
Well he didn't break up another family that's what his ex did.

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FYI I have seen this happen with men much younger than I and I have watched each and every bi man become gay (or in 1 or 2 cases become straight as they were "confused"). You came here for advice on a topic that Ele answered very well - why should your family or anyone else for that matter know if your fiancé is bisexual - it should be none of their business. My comments are that you are focussing on the wrong problem. I really do hope I am wrong and that your fiancé is the exception.
I'm not going to blame a 16 year old's actions for someone's actions who's in their 20's fully capable of making decisions on their own. Her husband is the culprit.



Um I'm straight I don't experiment I've known my sexuality since I was 12/13. I am BTW talking about men so yeah that's just how I am.

This is text book ignorance. Saying if they end up with a guy they must be gay. If they end up with a woman they are straight. I guess if I end up with no one I go from straight to asexual... Lol. Not true. We are all born with our sexuality whether we are gay bi or straight. A bisexual man or woman who marries a woman isn't straight or lesbian. He or she is still bisexual that's how they're and that how they die.
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post #42 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

LOL... to be 20 again.

I'd love to read your updates at age 30.

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post #43 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Yeah I already said that was a mistake and I know he wouldn't do that now. He was 16 and hes not 16 anymore. Hes grown and learned a lot from that situation.


Well he didn't break up another family that's what his ex did.


I'm not going to blame a 16 year old's actions for someone's actions who's in their 20's fully capable of making decisions on their own. Her husband is the culprit.



Um I'm straight I don't experiment I've known my sexuality since I was 12/13. I am BTW talking about men so yeah that's just how I am.

This is text book ignorance. Saying if they end up with a guy they must be gay. If they end up with a woman they are straight. I guess if I end up with no one I go from straight to asexual... Lol. Not true. We are all born with our sexuality whether we are gay bi or straight. A bisexual man or woman who marries a woman isn't straight or lesbian. He or she is still bisexual that's how they're and that how they die.
We shall see. Don't know about text book ignorance - can only go by what i have seen. You are just about turning legal to drink in the USA. And you quote text book ignorance to me. As for terminology call it what you will. Lesbos is still a lovely island in the Greek islands. Gay is a fantastic word meaning happiness. Bisexual is the only really descriptive word as would hetero and homo sexual be. If a man prefers men to women he is a homosexual. Same for a woman who prefers women. If a man only sleeps with women then he is heterosexual. Same for a woman who only sleeps with men. Now here is where the statistics come in. If a woman is capable of sleeping and enjoying a healthy relationship long term with both women and men then she is truly bisexual. Haven't seen too many cases of that - they either go back to being hetero or stay homo - however there are some success stories there. When it comes to a man in that scenario - I haven't seen ANY success stories. Hence the warning which you can choose to ignore in your youthful certainty that you are right.

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post #44 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

And you won't be the first woman that has fallen hard for a gay man. They generally are very attractive, aren't they. Montgomery Clift, Rock Hudson etc etc

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post #45 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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To those that don't care about the distinction, bi is gay. Whether they're right or wrong is -- and will remain -- a matter of perspective.

Doesn't really matter either way.

What's way more alarming is that you'd actually consider marrying (or even dating) someone that carried on a relationship with a married man (or woman).

But then if you don't require or expect him to remain faithful then there's really no problem.
Add to this being careless enough to become pregnant with him and there is a hell of a storm on the horizon. What a shame. An innocent life is put in the middle, again.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
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