Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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She already knows that EleGirl. She said she knows more than her elders. They only screwed up her and the world as she knows it. That's all there is of it, what she was taught. We know everything written for education has no bias at all and includes both sides of every story to help youths learn how to think and make decisions based on facts and the opinions of both sides.

The sarcasm in my post was almost overwhelming for me. I might have to take a nap. I'm of the baby boomer generation, you know. It hurts to think. I have to forget all that I was taught to form a cogent analysis.
You're just upset I don't appreciate the largely liberal generations. With good reason.

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post #122 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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We're both actually excited to be expecting our first child its not unwanted and we're both looming forward to our future marriage. Its not a disaster its the best relationship I've been in yet.
Oh come on. At a mere 20 years old, what other relationship COULD you viably compare this to - you're fresh out of high school. You can hardly compare teenage high school romances to this current dysfunctional situation, so you don't even have a benchmark 'good' relationship by which to measure.

I agree with the other posters who say they'd love to hear what you have to say in 10 years. Cause contrary to what you fervently believe, you're only 20 with zero life experience and your outlook IS going to change. Sadly, at 20 you don't know everything like you think you do.

But you'll find out.
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post #123 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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You're just upset I don't appreciate the largely liberal generations. With good reason.
That was a good retort. It actually made me laugh. Thanks.

Nope, not liberal. Not today's conservative, either.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #124 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Eww that's hypocritical. You called my fiance gay. So you were stereotyping very readily. Why not practice what you preach.

Please and thank you.
There you go mincing words again. I don't care what your fiancť's sexual orientation is. He's a human. It's all good. He's ok. I don't need a basket full of words to measure him by.

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post #125 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

It's hard to figure out what you're looking for here. You've been told it's no one else's business what your boyfriend's sexual orientation is. Do you want to change your parents' minds about his sexuality so they'll be more open to you tapping their wallet?
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post #126 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

Well apparently hes been keeping some stuff to himself. It came out that hes done this before with other men in hs.
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post #127 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:00 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Well apparently hes been keeping some stuff to himself. It came out that hes done this before with other men in hs.
How did that come out?

How do you feel about it?
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post #128 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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How did that come out?

How do you feel about it?
His ex friend said he'd been doing that since he was 13 with older married men he dfound online randomly he confirmed that he did have affairs when he was that young and that he didnt know why but when he was a kid he was really interested in older men who were usually married and that hes changed that he wouldn't do it now and that hes ashamed and all that but he kept all this as a secret from me and in the dark that's what is getting at me. But its not the worst thing its just I trusted him and now I found out to some extent he lied to me.
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post #129 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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His ex friend said he'd been doing that since he was 13 with older married men he dfound online randomly he confirmed that he did have affairs when he was that young and that he didnt know why but when he was a kid he was really interested in older men who were usually married and that hes changed that he wouldn't do it now and that hes ashamed and all that but he kept all this as a secret from me and in the dark that's what is getting at me. But its not the worst thing its just I trusted him and now I found out to some extent he lied to me.
In my opinion someone's early sexual experiences have a much stronger tendency to become imprinted on someone's personality and impact preferences moving forwards. So if you are now in a monogamous relationship with someone for which you are not exactly able to nurture those initial experiences of his, and it sounds more as if he is perhaps enjoying a relationship with you as a way to run away from his first sexual experiences.

Does your family need to know all of this? NO! This is between you and your fiance and it should be considered private. Unless "he" is the one that wants to be open about it with everyone, but that would come across to me more like an advertisement of being available to other men in my opinion. If he is truly monogamous, his bisexuality is now none of anyone's business but yours so that you can understand him and know him.

My advice? DO NOT be in a hurry to get married! Take your time as you two are still very young. You should NOT rush into marriage out of fear that you will have a baby out of wedlock just because you worry what people will think. You should marry because you and you fiance want to and there are no doubts what so ever.

Regards,
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post #130 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

I'm not sold he's in denial about the experiences not being abusive. Because he says the stuff he did at 13-16 were affairs too and the men were in their 40's or 50's I think there's a deeper issue dealing with like trauma... Etc...

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post #131 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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I'm not sold he's in denial about the experiences not being abusive. Because he says the stuff he did at 13-16 were affairs too and the men were in their 40's or 50's I think there's a deeper issue dealing with like trauma... Etc...
I am admittedly NO EXPERT on trauma, but from what I have read most people tend to withdraw sexually. So if you two have been enjoying a very active and fulfilling sex life, it would seem as though your partner grew from those experiences as opposed to shutting himself down. However if he was only 13 and his partners were in their 40's or 50's, then you are very correct to label it as trauma b/c it would be defined legally as "statutory rape" in many cases and his partner should be a registered sex offender.

I am however just trying to point out that regardless of what happened that your partner is somehow managing to have an active and fulfilling sex life with you which based on your description seems as though the relationship with you is a healthy one for him.

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we have a great relationship and a great sex life. Plus it doesn't bother me I find gay sex a turn on.
Just do NOT be in a hurry to get married until you get everything sorted out! Take your time, perhaps even go to some marriage counseling together as a preemptive way to help make going into your planned marriage even stronger. Obviously bisexuality will create a unique dynamic in a monogamous relationship over the long term, and you two really should talk about that very openly with a third party that is trained to help couples with things of this very nature. This way you two can get married with confidence and make it more meaningful. Or you may determine that you need a little extra time to help each other sort some things out with one another.

There very well may be some aspects of your personality that would attract you to someone of this nature that you may not fully understand, and your desires for a threesome to watch him be with another man may actually be more traumatic for your partner than you are fully aware. Or perhaps it is not. But I would not get married until you feel confident about everything. Obviously the fact you are here asking for help is a red flag all on its own!

Take your time. There is no hurry. You two will have your whole lives to get to know one another now that you are each working towards getting married. If you do get married, make sure it means something that you can both really be proud to share!

Regards,
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post #132 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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His ex friend said he'd been doing that since he was 13 with older married men he dfound online randomly he confirmed that he did have affairs when he was that young and that he didnt know why but when he was a kid he was really interested in older men who were usually married and that hes changed that he wouldn't do it now and that hes ashamed and all that but he kept all this as a secret from me and in the dark that's what is getting at me. But its not the worst thing its just I trusted him and now I found out to some extent he lied to me.
So he lied to you and only admitted this after you found out. It's highly likely that there is a lot more that he is not telling you. He's already proven that although you are the his biggest and most loyal champion, he will lie to you. You are willing to accept anything he tells you and not hold it against him, but he's lying.

I have no doubt that over time more and more will be coming out. This is probably the tip of the iceberg.
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post #133 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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I am admittedly NO EXPERT on trauma, but from what I have read most people tend to withdraw sexually. So if you two have been enjoying a very active and fulfilling sex life, it would seem as though your partner grew from those experiences as opposed to shutting himself down. However if he was only 13 and his partners were in their 40's or 50's, then you are very correct to label it as trauma b/c it would be defined legally as "statutory rape" in many cases and his partner should be a registered sex offender.
I did volunteer work for years for children who were victims of sexual abuse. A 13-16 year old having 'affairs' with older men is childhood sexual abuse. A very large percentage of victims of sexual abuse become hyper sexual , they act out sexually.

Some withdraw sexually. Some act out.
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post #134 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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I'm not sold he's in denial about the experiences not being abusive. Because he says the stuff he did at 13-16 were affairs too and the men were in their 40's or 50's I think there's a deeper issue dealing with like trauma... Etc...
A lot of victims of sexual abuse become confused because they enjoyed the sexual experience. They have a hard time coming to terms with the idea that they were abused when in fact they liked the attention and the sex. It often makes them feel special.

However, the issue is that that they liked it. The issue is that an adult took advantage of the child's vulnerability to use them sexually.

And Bad Santa is right. Studies show that a person's earliest sexual experiences have a profound impact of that child's sexual preferences in when they are adults.
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post #135 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

@Maj1996

Even if you do not agree with @EleGirl I've been around these forums long enough to know she actually cares, so try and appreciate that.

Regards,
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