Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

My fiance is bisexual and he's very bisexual. Before me he had a relationship with a man for 2 years. And we've been together less than 3 years. He does prefer men I knew this from the start. But we have a great relationship and a great sex life. Plus it doesn't bother me I find gay sex a turn on. I used to want actually to do a thresome before we settled down but he was always against it. We make it work and we're both very open minded. We are planing on getting married in the summer and I'm expecting our first child together in September. My family is homophobic. And my fiance seems to be stereotypically homosexual in how he acts. So they've always thought he was "gay". Now the thing is my fiance's ex boyfriend was married. And had a family and they ended up divorcing. In the process. Both his exwife and brother outed him to like friend and both of our families out of clear vengeance. There's actual evidence other than hearsay. Now I don't want him to come out as my family won't take it well. And if its just denial it looks just like that. Like he's gay but in denial. And I don't want to act like I didn't know all this time because that says a lot about our relationship etc... But my family acts like bisexuality doesn't exist. So what do you think we should do? Advice?

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post #2 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:51 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

To those that don't care about the distinction, bi is gay. Whether they're right or wrong is -- and will remain -- a matter of perspective.

Doesn't really matter either way.

What's way more alarming is that you'd actually consider marrying (or even dating) someone that carried on a relationship with a married man (or woman).

But then if you don't require or expect him to remain faithful then there's really no problem.

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post #3 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:55 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

I don't think you should tell your family. It would only introduce a lot of problems into your relationship.

How often do the two of you see your family?

I would be more concern about the affair he had with a married man. It seems that he does not take marriage all that seriously. He is very likely to cheat on you. If he will do it to someone else, he'll do it to you.
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post #4 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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To those that don't care about the distinction, bi is gay. Whether they're right or wrong is -- and will remain -- a matter of perspective.

Doesn't really matter either way.

What's way more alarming is that you'd actually consider marrying (or even dating) someone that carried on a relationship with a married man (or woman).

But then if you don't require or expect him to remain faithful then there's really no problem.
Well we actually are a monogamous couple and bi is straight too if its gay. We enjoy each other's company. We enjoy each other's personality and physically etc.... He's not gay completely as that's why we've been together almost 3 years. And I honestly enjoy our sex life more than I have with any straight guy I've ever been with. So he's clearly not gay.

He was open and honest about our last relationship and he was actually underage for our laws in Nevada. Homosexual relationships you can't consent to until you're 18. He was 16 when it started and he was really tricked into thinking that this guy was really going to commit to him when all he really did was use him for sex. They broke up when he was 18 and we started dating shortly after and I forgave him for that as it appears he learned his lesson. He was young and made a mistake. He righted it by moving on.
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post #5 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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I don't think you should tell your family. It would only introduce a lot of problems into your relationship.

How often do the two of you see your family?

I would be more concern about the affair he had with a married man. It seems that he does not take marriage all that seriously. He is very likely to cheat on you. If he will do it to someone else, he'll do it to you.
I'm close to my sister. We talk everyday but not much of anyone else do I talk to. I think coming clean and him comic out as bisexual that my family wouldn't understand it. My fiance wants to just be honest and let things be however they may be but I think it'll cause more harm than good.

Well he's never cheated on anyone I don't gink. Hes always been open about his past. He didn't keep any secret so I do trust him.
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post #6 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:14 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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I'm close to my sister. We talk everyday but not much of anyone else do I talk to. I think coming clean and him comic out as bisexual that my family wouldn't understand it. My fiance wants to just be honest and let things be however they may be but I think it'll cause more harm than good.

Well he's never cheated on anyone I don't gink. Hes always been open about his past. He didn't keep any secret so I do trust him.
How old are you and he now?

So he was a 16 year old being used sexually by an adult male. Legally that's called rape.
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post #7 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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How old are you and he now?

So he was a 16 year old being used sexually by an adult male. Legally that's called rape.
I'm 21 he's 20 soon to be 21.

In Nevada consent is at 16. For females but for homosexual relationships its at 18. So technically it wasn't legal. If he were female it would have been. So from my understanding he didn't feel he was raped. Considering they were involved even when he was 18. Either way the relationship was inappropriate and wrong. And not something he'd normally do nowadays.
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post #8 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:32 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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I'm 21 he's 20 soon to be 21.

In Nevada consent is at 16. For females but for homosexual relationships its at 18. So technically it wasn't legal. If he were female it would have been. So from my understanding he didn't feel he was raped. Considering they were involved even when he was 18. Either way the relationship was inappropriate and wrong. And not something he'd normally do nowadays.
You are awfully young for this kind of relationship.

I dated a woman who was bisexual. She dumped me for a woman.

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post #9 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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You are awfully young for this kind of relationship.

I dated a woman who was bisexual. She dumped me for a woman.
The foundation of our relationship built on honesty open ness and communication. If he wasn't happy with being with me that would benefit us both IMO. Because I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is miserable.
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post #10 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:55 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

Was he tested for STD's before you slept with him?

What would be the point in telling your family? especially knowing their feelings.

do you trust him hundred percent to not sleep with a man while you are together? I would be hard pressed in thinking he could just be faithful to a woman when he likes men as well.




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post #11 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:07 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

Was his first sexual partner a man or a woman?

I don't think you should tell your family. One thing about setting healthy boundaries is knowing who we can trust with information that can hurt us.

Some people are against homosexual and/or bisexual behavior and those who practice those behaviors are considered to be bad people and are treated as if they were bad people. Some people are again homosexual and/or bisexual behavior, but don't treat people who practice those things any differently than they do other people. They consider it wrong, but they don't think of the people who did it as bad. (We already know that your family is not of the group who thinks it's perfectly normal and healthy to be homosexual/bisexual, so no point in discussing that situation.)

If your family is of the first group, telling them would not be safe for you or your fiance if you want to have a positive relationship with your family. If your family is of the second group, you would be more likely to be able to have a positive healthy relationship with your family. In the second group, it depends on whether your family would think it would be unhealthy for you to be with him or if they would honor your choice. If they won't honor your choice to do something they are strong opposed to, telling them would not be safe for you or your fiancee.

You believe that your fiancee will be faithful to you, that he loves you, and that he is satisfied with you. If that is the case, then there is no reason to let anyone know about his past as it does not matter in the present. He is living in a hetrosexual, monogamous relationship with you and plans to make that permanent in the form of a marriage. For all intents and purposes, he is now hetrosexual, so what does it matter what he did in the past.

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post #12 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:38 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

If you and your fiancé are getting married, why does it even matter if he is bisexual? He would be in a monogamous relationship with you. He will not be having sex with men. Right?

So he will be living as a heterosexual.

Your fiancé is young and naïve. This is going beyond being honest. It is not the business of anyone outside your marriage what his sexual orientation is.
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post #13 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Was he tested for STD's before you slept with him?

What would be the point in telling your family? especially knowing their feelings.

do you trust him hundred percent to not sleep with a man while you are together? I would be hard pressed in thinking he could just be faithful to a woman when he likes men as well.
STD's.

This is a big issue. Some gay males often have had hundreds of partners.

Your fiancee had one bi/gay partner. His married bi-sexual AP may have had ten bi/gay lovers and just one of those men could have had hundreds.

When you have sex with a gay man you potentially are sleeping with the viral remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of other men.

You get the picture?

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post #14 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

My wife is bisexual and repressed it for a very long time. In our day when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, no one accepted bisexuality as a valid sexual orientation, not even the LGBT groups. Some still do not. If you were bisexual you would be labeled and treated as either gay or a lesbian. In my day that meant being disowned by family and friends. It could even mean losing your job and being beat up or killed. There was zero tolerance and much hatred before most here were born. My wife's best friend/lover of 30 years is also bi but never let it show. They were best friends since their early teens and were frightened to tell each other until their twenties.

First off, bi woman have it much easier than bi guys. No one buys a guy a drink if he makes out with another guy and feels his breasts. If guys hugged each other, kiss hello or goodbye, held hands, dirty danced together and introduced their friend as their boyfriend, they would be thought to be gay, not bi. Some gay guys do claim to be bi and I have known a few. They all eventually ran off with male lovers after marrying and having a few kids. My godfather ran off with his male lover when he was in his 40's and all the woman in our family thought he was sexy, as did his wife who bragged about him.

For my wife it was easy. She could dirty dance with her girlfriend, hold her hand, kiss her hello or goodbye, hug her and more, without anyone thinking anything about it. She just introduced her girlfriend as her girlfriend. If a guy introduced his male friend as his boyfriend, it screams gay. No one ever questioned why my wife's best friend had her own room in our home and seemed to always be visiting us when they came to see us. Try that with a guy and it will not fly. Life is not fair that way.

My two ladies felt no need to gain acceptance from family or friends. They did not need validation or feel that they were living a lie. They just felt that only those with a need to know, should know. If someone asked, they would have answered them truthfully but no one even did. Perhaps some suspected but we never found out about it. They did not have to hide much and no one but people we had sex with were in our bedroom so why bring drama into their lives when they were not restricted from living it the way they wanted to. We had a lesbian couple as friends in one place we lived in. They never told us they were lesbians in all of the 11 years we knew them. We assumed and eventually found out because one of them was on the radio talking about gay rights. They were able to live together in the same house, go out together and no one in the neighborhood ever said a thing about them. Not telling anyone did not interfere with their life.

Aside from not feeling a need to broadcast their sexuality, we moved away from our families. Only saw them on xmas most times. Each time we moved it was like starting our lives all over again. Both our our families would have disowned us. Me too since I had sex with two guys in my younger days, just to experience it. Liked the orgasms but no attraction to men unless surrounded by women and a lot of drinks in me. We lived life as a poly triad for 30 years. When our girlfriend wanted to get married for financial security and to have her own home and family, she went online and found a guy who was OK with her splitting her time between him and us. She found a way to make it work. We found a way to make it work. If we did not fit in where we were, we found someplace where we did fit in.

You face a much, much harder road and need to be sure he is really bi. I have know gay guys who cling to being bi because they are fooling themselves. If he acts stereotypically gay, you better make sure. I can think of 4 marriages with kids that ended when the husband finally realized he was gay and not bi. Even if he is bi, it is still going to be rough going unless you only tell those with a need to know and if that is not possible, do what we did and find a little slice of happiness in this prejudiced world and cling to it for as long as you can. Good luck. My wife prefers sex with women but has very intense orgasms with me too. However, she does not want to marry a woman, romance her or even date her. She just likes having sex with them. For all else she only wants me, with sex of course and she always included me when she had sex with her girlfriend, who also became my lover too. We lived in what is called a poly triad. Often it is FFM but a good number are also MMF. It works best if all three of you love one another or else you run into all sorts of jealousy provoking situations. Make it work. It can be done.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #15 of 140 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Should my fiance come out as bisexual to my family? Or? What?

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
To those that don't care about the distinction, bi is gay. Whether they're right or wrong is -- and will remain -- a matter of perspective.

Doesn't really matter either way.

What's way more alarming is that you'd actually consider marrying (or even dating) someone that carried on a relationship with a married man (or woman).

But then if you don't require or expect him to remain faithful then there's really no problem.
My thoughts exactly. He aided in causing the destruction of a marriage and caused the children to have a broken home. You are portraying the mans wife as being the bad one, she was deeply hurt and betrayed, poor thing.
A man who acts that way wouldn't be one I wanted to marry. Where is his integrity?His sense of decency?
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