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post #16 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:38 AM
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Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
People really need to get a grip. Shaming and fear mongering isn't helpful. Turns out, it's entirely possible to divorce amicably, date responsibly, and find a new partner who is actually compatible on all levels, physical included.

So what if he's a great guy? He's not the right great guy for OP or she wouldn't be here.

@AJBrooks, the truth is you made a mistake. You married a man you weren't chemically compatible with in hopes that romantic love would grow over time. It hasn't and now you've let this go on so long you're actively repulsed by him. You can't manufacture chemical, physical, sexual compatibility. Attraction is either there or it's not. So, what now?

* You could stay married and be more or less best friends and roommates.

*You could stay married and resume sex when he asks for it. Just close your eyes and think of England.

*You could ask for an open marriage so the family stays intact and you and your husband are both free to have your physical and emotional needs met outside of the marriage.

*You could amicably divorce and free both of you to find truly compatible partners.

Personally, I think staying married is the worst choice. Staying married deprives you both permanently. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't physically want and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who doesn't physically want me.


Then again OP has implied she will self destruct, go for bad boys who won't care about her or her kids, and search for someone who doesn't value her because she desires the chase. Oh yeah and the fubar FOO issues

So no, I don't call it shaming to point out that is dysfunctional, not in her best interests, and not in the best interest of her kids. But I guess she'll get hot going after those losers. So there's that


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post #17 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
People really need to get a grip. Shaming and fear mongering isn't helpful. Turns out, it's entirely possible to divorce amicably, date responsibly, and find a new partner who is actually compatible on all levels, physical included.

So what if he's a great guy? He's not the right great guy for OP or she wouldn't be here.

@AJBrooks, the truth is you made a mistake. You married a man you weren't chemically compatible with in hopes that romantic love would grow over time. It hasn't and now you've let this go on so long you're actively repulsed by him. You can't manufacture chemical, physical, sexual compatibility. Attraction is either there or it's not. So, what now?

* You could stay married and be more or less best friends and roommates.

*You could stay married and resume sex when he asks for it. Just close your eyes and think of England.

*You could ask for an open marriage so the family stays intact and you and your husband are both free to have your physical and emotional needs met outside of the marriage.

*You could amicably divorce and free both of you to find truly compatible partners.

Personally, I think staying married is the worst choice. Staying married deprives you both permanently. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't physically want and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who doesn't physically want me.


Then again OP has implied she will self destruct, go for bad boys who won't care about her or her kids, and search for someone who doesn't value her because she desires the chase. Oh yeah and the fubar FOO issues

So no, I don't call it shaming to point out that is dysfunctional, not in her best interests, and not in the best interest of her kids. But I guess she'll get hot going after those losers. So there's that


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The OP did NOT imply that at all.
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post #18 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Maybe your husband willingly moved into the other bedroom because he feels the same as you OP. Possibly you both have been living a lie and he just does a better job of faking than you. Maybe you both are afraid to talk about the elephant in the room. I think you need to have the talk soon.
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post #19 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

an unrealistic view of what real love is.



Thats what I see.
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post #20 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:53 AM
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an unrealistic view of what real love is.



Thats what I see.
It's not unrealistic or unreasonable to be attracted to your partner. Or even just not physically chemically repulsed by them. The smell thing is real. It doesn't have to be a BAD smell, but she just is not chemically attracted to him. Scent--pheromones are a real part of sexual attraction. They have done studies on this.
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post #21 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

I absolutely agree, and I hold my breath around my H too. He's a mouth breather and smells like rubber most of the time. He also loves eating smelly food (onion, garlic), which combined with rubber, smell awful. The smell thing is real for sure, and it's not always something that a new cologne can fix. Unless it's drinkable cologne...

And no, OP, you're not unrealistic for wanting to be attracted to your partner. Hell, minus a few years and kids, I could've written your post.

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It's not unrealistic or unreasonable to be attracted to your partner. Or even just not physically chemically repulsed by them. The smell thing is real. It doesn't have to be a BAD smell, but she just is not chemically attracted to him. Scent--pheromones are a real part of sexual attraction. They have done studies on this.
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post #22 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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The OP did NOT imply that at all.
No. But the fear is that she may well slip back into that lifestyle again.

Like when an alcoholic starts hanging out with friends who drink excessively. They fully intend to stick to water or soda pop but eventually they decided to have 'just one drink' and undo 11 years of sobriety.

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post #23 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Then again OP has implied she will self destruct, go for bad boys who won't care about her or her kids, and search for someone who doesn't value her because she desires the chase. Oh yeah and the fubar FOO issues

So no, I don't call it shaming to point out that is dysfunctional, not in her best interests, and not in the best interest of her kids. But I guess she'll get hot going after those losers. So there's that


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I didn't see her imply anything of the sort. She explained where her head was over a decade ago and how that contributed to her decision to marry a man she wasn't into. Big difference. She's had over a decade and become a parent since then. I get the impression, were she to leave, that she'll be seeking out another good guy who she actually finds sexually appealing.

Also, if we're going to talk dysfunction, I'd like to point out that being in a marriage where you do not find your spouse sexually appealing and are actively repelled by his scent and touch is fairly dysfunctional.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #24 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

I have had years of counselling and have sorted out my past. No issues there, I have worked through everything, we have also seen a counsellor together to try and bring the intimacy back with no luck as yet. As I said in the post. My life is sorted out. I have completely turned my life around. Have a successful job, do dancing 5 times a week, no to the gym, have passions I peruse - including nutrition and my own food blog. I wish this was coming from me not being happy but the truth is I am happy with in myself, but just not with him.
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post #25 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Thanks for your post - it rings true and you may have hit the nail on the head. However I didn't mention anything about now wanting to go for bad boys. As I said I have turned my live around and have absolutely no interest in bad boys. I liked bad boys cause I was a bad girl. I am now a successful business woman, on the committee of the kindergarter, fit and healthy and have my own healthy eating blog. I want someone who is as passionate and responsible as I am otherwise it would never work. Thanks so much - I'm going to take on those options as you mentioned very seriously. Best wishes.

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post #26 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Very true, I have thought about this. However he has always said that he %100 knows where is heart and feelings lie and if anyone was going to leave it would always be me. However now he knows my feelings, I'm wondering if he will be able to live with it if we were to stay together.
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post #27 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.

I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.

I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself and my achievements, however I have not been true to my feelings or honest with him and being with him has always felt wrong.

Since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattracted and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on. On our wedding day I almost felt sad, and when he asked me to marry him I also felt in the pit of my gut that it wasnít right, but I listened to my head and not my heart.

I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do!

I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us. We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasnít changed how I feel.

My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????

Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings?

I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship?

Are you better off being single than with the wrong man if it means being true to yourself?

My husband and I have already discussed the possibility of not staying together and we already agree on co-parenting arrangements, I mean every single detail. Is this enough to save the kids?
If you had a friend who you found so utterly irritating and annoying, how long would you keep them as your friend?

I just hope that your irritation and annoyance with him will not become disdain or even worse.

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post #28 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:15 PM
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However now he knows my feelings, I'm wondering if he will be able to live with it if we were to stay together.
No. He won't. Because he is a good man and will or does realize if you love something you set it free if it wants to go. But know this, once you undo his love you may never be able to get it back should you realize that you are actually in love with him. I'd get some counseling first for you. It can't hurt and won't take that much time from your life, unless you are chomping at the bit to get back into the dating pool.
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post #29 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Absolutely not - this was 20 years ago. I am a mature, straight laced, fit & healthy, responsible, self aware, compassionate, successful and hard working woman. Bad boys make me sick! I would have absolutely no desire to go there again. All I want is a spark which I never had. The heart and head thing I understand, however from what I have read you have to have both for it to work long term. If you don't have a spark to begin with, what do you have to go back to? This is not about me finding a new partner it's about me being fair to myself and my husband and being responsible for my feelings. Your feelings are there for a reason and if you deny them they eat you up. As it has for 4 hours a day 11 years.
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post #30 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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It was one thing to subject your physical and mental health to a bad boy when you were young and single.....but it is not okay to do that when you have young children...and you end up possibly subjecting them to another one of mom's boyfriend who frighten us or worse...then all you are doing is repeating your history for them, with the possibility of one of them becoming you...could you live with that? ...so don't you think it should stop with you? What ever this is between your husband and you not feeling it, you owe it to your kids and him to find out why you feel this way....seek help first before attempting to move on....otherwise leave the family alone....if you want to be a train wreck do it alone.
Absolutely not - this was 20 years ago. I am a mature, straight laced, fit & healthy, responsible, self aware, compassionate, successful and hard working woman. Bad boys make me sick! I would have absolutely no desire to go there again. All I want is a spark which I never had. The heart and head thing I understand, however from what I have read you have to have both for it to work long term. If you don't have a spark to begin with, what do you have to go back to? This is not about me finding a new partner it's about me being fair to myself and my husband and being responsible for my feelings. Your feelings are there for a reason and if you deny them they eat you up. As it has for 4 hours a day 11 years.
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